Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he said he wasn't sure how long he could wait for me to make my decision

lastin,

This is the 'wiring' which needs to change.
It continues to be all about HIM and what feels good to HIM. His inappropriate online activity...selfishly all about HIM; each and every ONS...selfishly all about HIM.

Here is my advice based on my personal experiences of the last 7 years: Do not invest in him until he demonstrates selflessly doing everything in his power to get himself 'well', to help you feel safe, and to begin to rebuild trust.

What does this look like?

Him willingly....

*get into treatment with a CSAT
*participate in group therapy
*work with an accountability partner/sponser
*agree to have a web filter in place to block internet incoming porn/hook-up/etc sites

OR...he can go to an 'in-patient' treatment center.

For you:
Put the M and R on hold for now. He must sincerely want to get to a place of sexual/emotional health AND he must actively take steps to get there (above list). Until he gets to a better place, talking about the M or working on the M will likely be a source of chronic pain for you. That's not to say that after there's been some significant change in him that you, then, can't begin to work on the M. You can. But, just don't put the cart (M) before the horse (H in serious, active recovery).

Let his recovery be HIS task. You can be supportive, but not 'involved'.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for YOU to see a CSAT of your own. There is nothing like talking with someone who knows and understands exactly what you are dealing with and what you are going through. You will get such clarity and understanding about SA, your H , your M, and yourself. You, yourself, will get to a place of restored self-esteem, self-confidence, and get re-grounded in your own identity. All things which have suffered.
You will be 'heard' and validated and reassured that everything you are feeling is 'normal'.

All of this can happen with your either living together with your WH or living apart. So, the act of moving back in with him has no real significance or meaning...in that it does not mean that you and he are 'all good' now and R'ing. It could just mean that you do care and that you are supportive of him during treatment and that R may even be possible in the future, BUT for now the M is off the table.

I know this is a lot to digest. Take your time in making any decisions. Do not let him guilt you into doing something which your gut is screaming 'no!' to. Most importantly, get some help for you from a CSAT. No matter what the outcome of the M, YOU will benefit from therapy in important, life-enhancing ways.

((((lastin))))


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has only had one ONS with a lot of online stuff going on before that (people here, I'd be really interested to know if that can be the profile of a SA).

CallMeRed,

Yes, it can be the profile of a SA. For some SA's, it's 'only' an online thing. But, with SA having a progressive quality to it, often there is a cross-over from strictly online activity to 'IRL' activity.

This is not intended as a diagnostic tool, but if your WH meets some of this criteria, he may be dealing with SA:

*compulsive interest/activity in that he indulges frequently...regularly...sometimes in ritualistic fashion (for example, he sneaks down into the basement every night after the family is asleep to log on to porn or sex chat or fantasy stories and mb's)

*there is often associated shame and self-loathing to the point where the SA tries to stop the activity, even avoids it for a period of time, but, then ultimately 'acts out' again.

*progressive in nature in that previous interest or 'activity of choice' no longer provides adequate stimulation/satisfaction, so the SA will kick it up a notch to intensify the experience...maybe become more adventurous...or push the envelope...or progress in more and more degenerate ways

*the behavior is injurious to themselves or others (this includes the W...who has lost her H to porn/etc or is the victim of infidelity)

*addictions are tenacious in that the addict will do whatever it takes to preserve and protect the behavior ~ lie to self and others; go further underground; twist and distort things; blame-shift; even lose everything over the addiction (W/kids/family/lifestyle/etc)

Hope this helps!
In my opinion, it takes an IC with addictions experience or a CSAT to diagnose SA.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Genius, clearly that is a good name for you as you are a mine of useful info! I really appreciate that.

I just took my children out for a 2 hour play in the park leaving the WH home alone. First time since installing the keylogger.

When I got back I checked the reports. Nothing. So I then asked what he'd been up to.

"I got bored and I looked at a photo". My heart rate went up and I felt sick immediately. TMI alert but it was a photo of me... which "did the trick" as he put it.

The keylogger didn't show me this though and I asked to see the photo purely to see which computer it was on. And it was on the one with the logger. So I have updated my keywords now (didn't have any on there before).

Oh jolly days


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take it all back, the latest report appeared and it did show WHs keystrokes getting to that file. And now I definitely know which folder it is.

eBlaster is one incredible bit of software.

That also explains why he took a while to open the door when we got back.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is my WH's excuse for looking at/cruising porn, etc.. "I got bored". And then I immediately feel guilty.. like I need to entertain him or something to keep him from doing this stuff.

UGH.. I get bored too..Usually I read a book or go shopping or something.. I just don't get it.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi beach

WH said, "when you're here and I get bored I come through and talk to you or something. And I was frustrated because nothing had happened for a while" (That would be wednesday night ).

I said: "I'm not taking ownership of that any more, if you are frustrated it won't kill you."

How proud of myself did I feel???

(Thanks again to everyone here).


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I am so disgusted with my WS.. Last night I made a comment that my throat was scratchy.. He had the same scratchy throat last week. He said "I know a treatment for that" in a suggestive way.. WTF.. everything is always ALL about sex.. I hate sex.. I hate that everything is all about it.. that every show, commercial, etc is suggestive in some way and it triggers the f&ck out of me.

Given his latest (or maybe just the info is new to me) interest in 'doing' men, I should have asked him if that was how he fixed his sore throat last week..

ICK ICK ICK


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((beachgirl))))

Sent you a PM.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 11:53 AM, August 31st (Friday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Beachgirl, that's so gross! I'm so sorry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first discovered the emails and trolling on the internet, WH said he was just bored too. I actually believed him!

Fast forward 6 years, he started with porn, then emails then actaully meeting up with these people. He said over time, it wasn't enough and he needed more so that is why it progressed. It took me 6 years of torture for him to finally confess! :( Follow your gut and I suggest to install a keylogger. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. If they are being at all secretive, dig because they are definitely hiding something!!


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah.. I posted in the Investigative thread that I need suggestions on a keylogger for MAC.. I am all on that. :-)


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lastin, I have the progression story here too

It's only when it got physical that my WH admitted he had a problem.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call Me Red,

Did he admit it right after he had the ONS?

My Wh answered the fake ad I placed, I had to confront him on it and I had leave before he fnally admitted he had a problem. I have moved out 3 times in 6 months becasue I knew something was up and he would never give me the truth.. He made me feel like I was going crazy!! Now that I've finally reached a point that I don't think I can do it anymore, he tells me almost everything. And as you know.. 10-15 ONS because he dosen't remember the exact number! :( Who knows, it could be way more...


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lastin, if ONLY.

He only told me because I was ill. I got ill and when the doctor asked if we had sex with anyone else I blindly said "no we are monogamous" so I have one round of tests where that poor doctor was looking for something he'd never find. Meanwhile I was worrying about cancer or appendicitis for a couple of weeks before I went to the doctor.

That night my WH came home and told me to get checked for STDs as he thought I might have PID as he'd had sex with someone else.

Sure enough it was PID and I had antibiotics for A MONTH to clear it. Luckily all my other tests came back negative and so did his. Such a relief under the circumstances.

But now I am glad it happened like that because if dday hadn't happened I am 100% certain he would have used that revolting site again and met some other tramp.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 4:13 PM, August 31st (Friday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX tells people that he never even looked at internet porn until we began having problems in our marriage.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
loveisareddress
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never gone to any of these websites but frequently get spam from christian mingle, some site about dating BBW, match.com, the seniormeet one, the cougar one and others.
Way back in the day, I used to get a lot of porn spam too, and I've never gone to those kinds of websites.

Is this just a coincidence?

Or is it because someone else on this pc has been to those places?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2012
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get them on my work email using a laptop that no one but me has access to so I know that someone hasn't been visiting those sites on this laptop. I think it is just SPAM in a lot of cases.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad tonight. I'm really feeling in a deeper way than I did in the past that this isn't love. Yes, this is obvious but for some reason it lingers in my heart tonight. Before I would say this (that whatever we have it isn't love) to myself and to him with anger and indignation and self righteousness. Tonight I'm sad, mourning I guess. Whatever we might have between us, it isn't love in any way I recognize it. And if it isn't love, then what is it? Emotionally I mean; I know it's dyfunctional & unhealthy, but emotionally, what is this? My new IC asked me if I love him & I said no (for the above reason)- but what *is* this? Other than crazy...

**((SA Spouses))**

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Sabina))))))))
You have been together for so long. And even if he isn't capable of real love, you are. You can't turn that off overnight. You have kids and history together. You have recall of your love for him. It's likely that you do love him in some ways, because you are a loving and caring person. Unfortunately, he just is incapable of giving you that adult, mature love necessary for a marriage. No addict in active addiction is.

But we both know you deserve the real deal. YOU ARE WORTHY. And you need to be selfish right now. That is the healthy way.

Holding you in the *****LIGHT**** my dear friend...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, September 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sabina

I just read through your profile.

I think you are right to be having your "plan" and I am already creating a plan b "just in case".

I am also worrying about the "do I really love him" aspect. To me trust is the most important thing in any relationship and now our trust is gone I don't feel the same AT ALL.

Hearing the MC asking my WH what he likes about me and having him pause for so long and only find one thing to say was like another nail in that coffin.

And last night when I got showered, put on some lingerie and went through the motions with him I was thinking the whole time, WTF am I doing?

I am in the early days of this but I just wanted to say something even if I am incapable of helping one bit.

((Sabina))


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.