I made a comment a few days ago about knowing that my WH loves me.. and I was told something like: "of course he loves you.. he loves the cover that you give him.. you keep him looking like the upstanding citizen/normal guy that he wants to appear to be".. Then I was told something that has forever altered my thoughts.. "he needs you.. you don't need him".
It won't change anything in the near term.. but next time we have a discussion (read: blow out) I will feel like I have a bit more hand. (Seinfeld fans? Anyone?)
So.. TG - I am sorry you are here.. but am happy that you have found a place where you can vent and look for help in figuring out what is best for you.
You can't cure an addict.
Just like Beachgirl says, you can't make him do anything. The more you try, the more screwed up you make YOURSELF. Many spouses of SA's are "codependent". Some people use the term "co-addict", but that isn't always applicable, and it also hurts some people's feelings becuase it implies we're endorsing the SA's activities.
The fact that you're wondering what you can do to help your addict suggests that, at the very least, you have some enabling, codependent tendencies. Please believe me when I say THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO. Truly, you can do nothing. And some SA's are so sick, there isn't even a rock bottom for them to hit.
For instance, my STBX should have hit rock bottom when I kicked his sorry ass out of the house & hit him with divorce papers, right? You'd think losing your home & family would be a serious wake up call, right? Instead he simply started digging himself in even deeper, reaching out to people in our church & lying to them in an attempt to save face & cast me as the bad guy.
And yet here he is, still entrenched in his lies, still acting out, and in fact still involved with at least one of the OW (who, BTW, is a heroin dealer).
I finally realized that I can't fix him. The longer I am away from him, the healthier I am. My blessed IC is helping me get better & better the more I see her. Therefore I strongly urge you to get your own IC and start to figure out your own head. Forget fixing your WH. He's an adult, it's his job to fix himself. Your job is to make sure YOU are mentally & emotionally healthy.
Sorry to be the bearer of such harsh news. It's just best that you see your reality for what it is so you can get better.
She told him that he's identified the problem and when it originated and why, addressed his shame, dug into his parts of his FoO and worked on it -- like it's a over and done with.
He doesn't feel like he has really worked on it. He's just getting started. We identified it a while ago and he only just truly embraced it. Hell, he told me more TT a few days ago. He still hangs on to secrets out of shame and fear and he told his IC that. He doesn't think she links his affair to his SA and neither did he until recently.
You can read about the 180 here
1.Were you unable to give your full consent to the sexual activity? †
He has never touched me without consent or forced anything on me. But, in lying, he has robbed me of my ability to consent with full awareness of the truth. If I had known about the sexual addiction, I never would have consented to a sexual relationship. †
2.Did the betrayal involve the betrayal of a trusted relationship? †
Itís very traumatic to find out that the decisions Iíve made in our relationship (including entering it and becoming attached in the first place) and the way Iíve felt about my partner hasnít, in large part, been based in reality but in deception.
3.Was the sexual activity characterized by violence or control over you as a person? †
I feel like Iíve had my sexuality stolen from me and that even as an adult, Iíve had very little say about what happens with and to my body and what kind of sexual relationship I will have and what my partner is allowed to do and bring into our bed. † I feel as if my sexuality has been ripped from me and I wonder if Iíll ever be able to have sex again. †
4.Did you feel abused? †
I have been raped and molested in the pastÖand I have done some healing around that. This too feels like a rape, but even worseóbecause I know and love this person. He is my husband. † I feel that I was sexually abused and that I suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome. I have flashbacks regarding the prostitutes.
Carnes Ph.D., Stefanie (2011-09-22). Mending A Shattered Heart (pp. 106-107). Gentle Path Press. Kindle Edition.
He told me that he's had approximately 10-15 ONS (can't remember the exact number)and also went to several sex parties and had sex with 2 women at the same time there. I'm crying as I'm typing because I just can't believe it. Right after he told me these things, he asked me when I was going to be moving back in since he had disclosed. I said, I appreciated him telling me what has gone on, but I politely told him I can't move home right now. At no point during our conversation did I get angry. But, I told him I wasn't sure I could get past everything. He then said this is what my counselor said was going to happen.. you were going to get this information from me to help make your final decision and end our relationship as a result. He made me feel like I was using the reconciliation word, just to get him to spill the beans.
I just feel sick... maybe if he was talking to these women on he internet and 1 or 2 ONS, but 10-15 ONS... holy crap that's so hard to swallow.
[This message edited by lastin12 at 6:34 PM, August 30th (Thursday)]
Your WH's IC does not sound to know what she is talking about regarding SA. I am sure she means well, but it's like expecting your general practitioner to manage a lengthy cancer treatment regimen. You wouldn't. You would go to an Oncologist. A specialist in cancer and it's treatment.
Even my 'general' IC who had a PhD with years of counseling experience and ever some addictions experience did not want to 'treat' my WH. She knew SA required specialized treatment and, actually, in her opinion, an 'in patient' treatment center would be the treatment of choice...with CSAT/support group/sponsor combination treatment 2nd choice.
About Recovery Nation: I liked it. I felt doing the online lessons would be a nice complementary exercise in conjunction with CSAT sessions and group therapy. My WH was not interested, so I did the 'Partner' lessons by myself...for me.
Just ignore the stupid things he's saying now because he's just trying to use guilt to manipulate & control you. He's also trying to spin this so any failure to reconcile on his timetable will be your fault.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
I'm sorry the truth was worse than you imagined. The truth of what I've discovered has also been worse than I could have imagined. Like I tell some people IRL, it would be one thing if STBX had "just" had a plain vanilla affair/cheated on me. I say that not to minimize ANY cheating, of course! I say that to put the impact of a SA's infidelity into the proper context. When you find out that your flippin' HUSBAND, of all people, has not just cheated on you (and all the pain that entails), but has cheated on you with so many people, in so many ways, in so many debauched situations, and often in such dangerous situations, it just blows your mind. It's just more than you can take in.
It takes months, years, even, to fully process what you discover. Because a SA isn't mentally well, they cannot understand the enormous impact their kind of betrayal has on us fairly normal spouses.
Lastin, don't let your stupid WH dictate to you how soon you should get over this devastating news. I can tell you that for me, it often took me 1-2 weeks after each new discovery before I could even communicate with people semi-normally again. I have had multiple DDays, and each time I've had to literally go to bed & basically become a zombie as my mind tried to process the new information, sort through it, see how it fit into my life, make sense of it, and have the inevitable & horrible flashes of insight as pieces of the puzzle of WHY DID THIS/THAT HAPPEN suddenly fall into place.
You take your time, Hon.
Breathe. Take it one minute at a time. We have all been there. We know the way it feels like your stomach is falling out of your body. It feels like it can't be your life. We know.
You will get through this. It isn't up to him to dictate when and how.
Do you have support IRL? PM me if not. I am here all day tomorrow...
YOU are the priority.
Please keep this straight in your head: IF the M ends it will because your WH chose to betray and hurt you in the worst way possible by engaging in multiple A's. The M will not end because of anything YOU did, but will be because of what HE did. HE ended the M. Not you.
That is what happens when a spouse cheats. M's end. Infidelity is a deal-breaker for most people. Sometimes all it takes is one ONS...and you have numerous ONS's to deal with.
Do not let your WH make you feel bad or responsible if the M ends. M's end as a natural consequence of infidelity all the time.
Rather than expressing disappointment in you for your reaction to learning the truth about him, he should have been filled with shame, regret, remorse, and empathy for the heartache he has brought into your life. But, instead, it sounds as though he's just worried about himself and his own losses and disappointment that you cannot just get with the program...move back home...and get on with the M. (I apologize if I am misinterpreting what you wrote, but that is the impression I got).
Anyhow, give yourself some time to process and digest all this. You may decide to try to R...maybe not. But, whatever you decide is OK.
Again, don't let a mentally ill SA who is incapable of understanding the impact of his actions on you anyway dictate to you how you should react or how quickly you'll "get over it". You go ahead & own your reactions, whatever they are, and don't rush through them. Take your time. Even if things get really freaky, like you feel you're "out of body", that's normal. Just try to be really gentle with yourself, and be really self-aware. If you feel like you're losing your grip, reach out to someone ASAP IRL and lean on them. I could not have gotten as far as I have during this nightmare if I hadn't reached out to people IRL & let them carry me along.
@Dixie...Your husband's IC therapist blows. I don't think that therapist knows what she's dealing with. If he doesn't feel he's worked on it, then he hasn't. Truly. Get a new one. The therapist we see isn't a CSAT, but consults with one. That's an option, too.
I missed who brought up Recovery Nation, but I've also been doing the workshops online for me,
@Lastin...Like NatureGirl said, don't let your H dictate to you. Girl, the ball is in your court!!! He's pretty much begging you to come back! It doesn't sound like he's getting on without you. As beachgirl said, we don't need them, they need US. So that's what his IC said would happen, then it happened! Oh F-ing well!! Guess he should've kept it in his pants, then, eh? If he really is serious about R, make HIM tow the line. If he's not serious about it, there's nothing you can do to make him that way.
An update: My H is away for the weekend with his family. (They live out of state, and I have to work.) I'm 97% sure that my H is serious about staying sober and recovering, but since he's away, it would be a great time to install a keylogger on his computer. Do you ladies think I should do it, even though I think he's serious about recovering?
I do feel like I'm not in my body right now. I just can't believe this is happening and I'm having to deal with this. Even after hearing everything, I still love him and that just pisses me off. I asked WH, if I had 1 ONS what we he do.. He said he would be long gone. He said I was a better more understanding person. I honestly just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I hate this and I don't know what to do next.
You feel sad. The 'crawl in a hole and die' is hurt, sadness and depression. It sounds as if you still need time to grieve. You just found out how unfaithful he was. It's okay to take time to grieve for the relationship you once had. Don't worry about what to do next. You don't have to do anything. You just take your time and be sad, honey.
I do feel pressure from him.. even after I told him I needed time and I wasn't moving back in, he said he wasn't sure how long he could wait for me to make my decision. It was horrible. We were both just sitting there crying together.
I still can't stop crying.. Everytime I close my eyes I see him screwing some random chicks and I feel like I want to vomit.
I spent so many nights alone waiting up for him wondering what he was doing/knowing he was up to something. Here I am now feeling bad that he's sad and alone right now. What the hell is wrong with me?? I want to hate him.. 99% of me wants to run away. Why does he have that 1% hold on me?
I installed eBlaster and all it has given me to date is peace. I no longer panic when WH is in the office.
BUT in future it will give me what I need to know... and keep me informed.
Go for it.
My husband has only had one ONS with a lot of online stuff going on before that (people here, I'd be really interested to know if that can be the profile of a SA).
I believe he would have had another ONS as I found a credit voucher in his wallet after d day which he had bought 8 days before d day and not used YET. He admitted yesterday in front of the MC that he would possibly have used it.
For me, I can get past the one. But multiple... I really do feel your pain. I don't know what to say only to look after yourself and don't let him guilt you into anything you don't want to do.