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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My favorite bookmark says "Keep Calm and have a cupcake". My waistline doesn't appreciate it, though.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Helpless  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's me again. I just called and made an appointment with a new therapist. She specializes in trauma therapy. I'm scared. "Cuz really? Rugsweeping & compartmentalization are my specialties.

I need a hug.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Sabina)))) I hope this new therapist can help you grow and heal in all the ways you need.

...and maybe this is a good day for that cupcake?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, I'm realizing I've lived my life rugsweeping & compartmentalizing. I could teach classes.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey spouses and new spouses to the board,

Have been absent a few days, doing lots of research and prep. Still working on crafting the post-nuptial agreement. I've been pulling things together from all I have found, and from people's kind suggestions (thank you!). I'm hopefully going to make an appointment with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst that I found in my area. Supposedly they help craft these things and divorce settlements and can give you a clear idea of your financial state pre-, during-, and post-divorce, so I can prepare. I really *need* to know, because I'm still getting panic attacks wondering what will happen financially. I hope it gives me peace of mind.

Been trying to figure out about our family house. We have a large monthly payment that I don't think I could foot on alimony, and I seriously doubt I could even get a bank to pre-qualify me, as I've been stay-at-home for 10 years, and my only income would be the alimony and CS. Can't rent - too many pets. Might have to move in with my parents. SAWH says he's willing to keep the original mortgage with both our names on it and pay the bill, but it seems hairy that way. How will he feel about this arrangement if I get a NB? My parents might be willing to buy a house for me, and I can rent it from them. Not sure what avenue is best. Hopefully the financial analyst can help sort things out.

SAWH says he is "tired of beating himself up over it" and is ready to move on, and if I'd only forgive him, everything would be normal. Umm....maybe if he had screwed up *once* rather than hundreds of times over ten years, maybe.

I can't comment on any of the drinking issues - neither my SAWH drinks, nor I. I think that's part of what stinks the most in my situation, in my own head. I've always prided myself on being clean and healthy - no drinking, drugs, smoking, etc. - SAWH is the only man I've ever been with. And here he was exposing me to all sorts of nasty diseases. Thank God I always insisted on condoms.

Stay well and hug yourselves, ladies. We deserve so much better.

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I've been married for almost 4 years. Since before we got married I've caught him on craigs list even answering ads... i've also seen text msg with him trying to set up meets with people.. he always told me it was nothing and he was bored... I've left twice and we've reconciled twice. the last time he gave me password words and everything i asked for, but i still had this feeling. you can read my previous posts for more detail.

well I recently went out of town and posted an ad craigs list seeing if he would answer. well he answered it and even sent a picture. it was the most horrible thing ever. i emailed him and told him i knew everything and to be gone from the house when i got back so i could move my things out. he was beyond sorry that i had to see that and it was the first time he admitted there was a problem. this was 2 weeks ago. i had no contact the 1st week. since he's continued therapy and discovered he is a lust addict. he's also started going to church. he goes to church and couseling there as well as individual couseling. In an email he sent apologized several times and told me he was in a 12 step program. I asked him if he had cheated and he said I'm not at that point in my recovery yet to talk about that with you and my couselor said at this point it would do more harm than good... By answering it like that know he has and through other conversations it was way worse than I thought. :( But at the same time, it validaed everything I have ever felt.

i saw him today and he really seemed genuine for the first time, i could see that the light blub finally went on. i told him why now.. he said he had to get this bad. i told him i was so mad and it was unfair that he was trying to get me to come back again after i told him the last time was his last shot... i have this small piece of me that keeps saying what if he actually changed, but then i keep looking at the picture he sent to the fake ad and reading my journal reminding myself of how he's treated me our entire relationship.

i'm back at my parents feeling content and at peace, why do i feel bad for him and why is he making me doubt myself... any thoughts or advise will help. if you have any questions, please ask!!


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lastin,

Sorry you're here. I have the same thoughts you have about whether he's actually changed, maybe give him another shot, feeling sorry for them. But you know what? The reason we have these thoughts going through our minds is because WE'RE NICE PEOPLE. Nice people CARE about one another. We don't have the ability to just switch off all our emotions and care towards someone who we trusted and loved. Don't feel bad about waffling emotions, its totally normal and natural, and it will take time for them to settle down. I've been on the rollercoaster for 8 months now, and I waffle every week. But, read your journal. Think hard about how you felt. Imagine what it would be like without him. Imagine what it would be like with him. Even if he never cheated again, could you live with the knowledge of what he did, what he's capable of?

Don't feel sorry for them. They willingly CHOSE this path, not you. ((lastin))

~Bene


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM - My SAWH was quite a drinker. People with addictive personalities often have more than one issue, more than one way they cover their emotions. Mr. Mess was as various points in his life a drug addict (basically any drug that didn't require injecting) and alcoholic. We're talking decades of D'estaing up behavior. The sex addicted was woven throughout things since adolescence.

Now neither of us have more than two drinks per day now, and rarely even that. He has kicked all drugs over 10 years ago with the exception of marijuana. I set my foot down on that over a year ago. No drugs except the prescription kind, and those to be taken as prescribed (only). I just found out today he hasn't been taking his meds now for over 2 months, but that's another story.

As for whether or not to give a second chance to the SA in your life? I'm obviously not a good person to answer that question. I would advise against it, but have a hard time taking my own advice.

[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 11:57 PM, August 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bene, the certified planner sounds like a good way to go. Brava to you for taking care of yourself. Lastin, no advice other than to second reviewing your journals and seeing how you feel. Four years of proven behavior might weigh more heavily than new words and promises. Like beautifulmess said, though, I don't always take my own advice.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

specializes in trauma therapy. I'm scared. "Cuz really? Rugsweeping & compartmentalization are my specialties.
I need a hug.

Sabina,

It is hard! {{{{ StO }}}}

But you will feel so much better afterward that it will be worth it.

Are you looking at EMDR or something specific with the new therapist?

Welcome to the newcomers. I'm so sorry you have had to find your way here. It breaks my heart to see so many of us. I'm several years out from discovery and getting better. Hang in there!


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I'm not new to SI, but I'm new to this post. I have been in therapy with my WS for over a year now for two online EAs. The R was going really well for awhile, from about June 2011 up until last month, or so I thought. I found out last week that my WS "relapsed" and had been cybersexting with one of the original OW, and a new person was sending him inappropriate messages over FB.

Our therapist had always said that my WS was damaged in the sexual department, and definitely had issues with looking at online porn, after these recent "relapses", my WS has been diagnosed officially with sex addiction, specifically to porn/cybersex.

My WS has agreed to participate in a 12 step and continue with IC. Our therapist said that more than likely my WS will be sent to a specialist once insurance paperwork goes through.

I agree with WindyTree that the hardest part about this for me has been not wanting to "babysit" their treatment. They have to want to be healthy on their own. We can't do this for them, and that's the scariest part. If my WS doesn't commit to treatment, the marriage can't go on. So you sit around and wonder, will it work or not?

I'm very hopeful for the future, yet, I'm too scared not to plan for the worst. I'm working hard to take care of myself.

Thank you ladies (and I'm sure a few guys) for listening.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome QVee to our little refuge. I hope the paperwork goes through quickly. Waiting and watching and detaching are hard, I know.

Compartmented, I don't really know what to expect (thus the anxiety). I just know I need help processing all of 'this'. I wanted an IC who used the trauma model & specializes in issues similar to mine. Now that I've found one (I hope), I'm sure I'll be on the rollercoaster- but hopefully toward my own healing.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooo....with anticipation of doing EMDR with my IC, I went to my session and promptly dumped on her all the crap of the last week, DS#1's slip, my DS#2's possible relocation far away , and the fact that I mourn the childhood I wanted to give my sons, you know the one where they are never hurt by the absence of their father and the dysfunction of SA. She's good. She listens and affirms my need to mourn, points out the "yeah but" thinking, the ideas that there may be positives to me staying and supporting their dad in his recovery...

But the bottom line is that I still feel that there is something in ME that causes the people in my life to reject me so viciously and cause me such pain. She wants to try and fix that...I think she has her work cut out for her


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the bottom line is that I still feel that there is something in ME that causes the people in my life to reject me so viciously and cause me such pain. She wants to try and fix that...I think she has her work cut out for her

My FOO work is helping me identify the root of the same beliefs.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wrote the letter to my WS that was assigned as my homework. It has three parts: how the affair impacted me, how I will help in my WS' recover, and my list of healthy boundaries. Even though my WS will not read it until counseling on Monday, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest in just writing it.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, August 8th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QVee, I'm glad you got relief from writing that letter:) I hope I can sit down and do the same someday. Right now I am radiating too much anger to be able to write something like that start to finish without stopping over and over (and over and over)...

I hope things are going well for the SA spouses. Mr NEM and I are having ups and downs, much in relation to our LDM.

Tonight he told me that he doesn't know if he can go through the rest of his life with me mad at him. He wants to feel loved again.

...'the heck?!

I pointed out (gently, I think) that it takes approx:
2-5 years to heal from infidelity (per SI)
1 year from when a wife decides to forgive to when she actually feels like she does forgive (per my CSAT)
2-3 years for a SA to get into positive, consistent recovery (per my CSAT)

He didn't really want to be reminded of these statistics. They are not news to him, he knows. I'm pretty sure he just wants the instant gratification and worship that I used to give him before D-Day (and WTF Day when I found out the magnitude of his issues). It is going to take TIME and healing and effort for me to feel close to how I felt about him before all this shit. I can't believe he doesn't understand.

We are madhatters. He feels betrayed, too. Doesn't he know that it will never be the same?! We can get to a point where it is better (stronger) than before, but this will take a lot of time, individual effort/ IC, reading, consistent transparency/honesty, MC, etc. Is it a function of the addiction/ typical addict behavior that he wants the abject devotion and blind trust, the passion and vulnerability that was there before?

I think this is asking way too much this close to D-Day. Am I an asshole?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not an asshole! You are wisely protecting your spirit!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SA spouses

I haven't posted here much but I read and lurk most days. I am a year out from DDay. My WS appears to be in recovery. We have limited resources for sex addiction where we live, only one CSAT who WS sees weekly. He is going to SAA meetings weekly also. He says he is determined to recover and that he is a changed man, has not looked at porn or masturbated since DDay. Has had NC with any of the OW (except for contact I know about that was not initiated by him). In spite of this I am very much in limbo, sitting on the fence, not feeling able to relax, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still feel so confused about what I want. I still don't know even if I had a 100% guarantee that he would never act out again ( impossible I know) if that would be enough for me to get over what has already been done. I am so scared of wasting more years with this man, only to be betrayed again in the future. I guess the main reason I am staying for now is for my kids. I am trying to maintain the semblance of a happy family home for them. I don't love WS anymore. Initially after DDay I still did, but then you can't turn off feelings overnight. Now I don't know what I feel. For those of you who are trying to R, how have your feelings changed towards your WS?t


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all, hugs and light to everyone today.


Is it a function of the addiction/ typical addict behavior that he wants the abject devotion and blind trust, the passion and vulnerability that was there before?

For my money, this is WS thinking, not just addict thinking. Newcomers on the WS thread sometimes say this and the Ďoldtimerí WSís will tell the newbie that those days are gone forever. Nathan wanted this too- and was very unhappy once he realized that those days were never coming back. *Sternly*, youíre not an asshole for setting boundaries and practicing self care. ((NEM)) Remember, heís an addict. His thought processes are f-d up. At best.

You can do this. Weíll support you.


For those of you who are trying to R, how have your feelings changed towards your WS?t

I canít say weíre trying to R, but weíre still together. Iím figuring myself out and working a plan to heal myself. Iím not currently working on my M.
With that in mind, yes my feelings toward Nathan have changed. I was ragingly angry for 2 solid years. I couldnít see, think or function without rage and pain. Intellectually I knew I had put him on a pedestal and turned a blind eye to his failings (and my own). After DDays, all I could do was blame and point fingers and drown in my own rage and despair. I despised everything about him. Everything. It took me two full years before I was able in my mind AND in my *heart* before I could set aside my own feelings long enough to see and know, fully know, in my heart that Nathan is *human*, a child of God, flawed and vulnerable just as I am.

I say all that as a preface to explaining how my feelings about Nathan have changed. Iím having a hard time writing this without saying how *Iíve* changed too, so forgive me if itís too much. After DDays I went from idolizing Nathan to demonizing him. It has taken me the agony of infidelity and SA before I could see and appreciate Nathan as a person, a human being. Much of this is *my* flaws, my perceptions. Anyway, I saw him as repulsive, a whore, a user, ugly inside. Disgusting. Just about any negative adjective I felt that way about Nathan.

Now I when I look at him I see a flawed human being stuck in a dangerous, abusive pattern that he may not be able or willing to break. I see *him*, not the fictional person I created in my mind. I see a man, my husband, who is trying to unlearn a childhood, a lifetime, of abusive, addictive patterns. A person who is growing and changing. Will he be able to break the chains of his past and learn healthy patterns? I donít know. But I see progress.

edited to fix formatting

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 9:57 AM, August 9th (Thursday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 9th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm having a bad day today too. Isn't it funny how one day you feel so empowered and the next day you just want to lie in bed?

I guess this is the rollercoaster ride we can't get off.


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
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