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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, IDK that I can prove the money trail. He paid cash. He had too many withdrawals he can't account for, and would pay for a whole group to eat out on his card and take cash for their portion - and then use that cash, that sort of thing. And like I said, I'm pretty sure he would get money from his mom I didn't know about, which she never expects to be paid back for when she gives either of her kids money. So in that sense, I am in the same boat as you. And I see how very realistically my scenario could become yours in the future if he does not make the right choices, and I don't plan ahead for it as a strong possibility.

Somer, that is awesome. You deserve it. And you are absolutely right, the stress of dealing with this totally affects our appearance, and that is so unfair. Something I've done for myself is sign up for a monthly massage service. I really think it is medically necessary at this point. After the expenses of the new house/moving are more under control, I am budgeting some money to improve my appearance as well. Looking good is the best revenge, no?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,
Yes, that makes sense, re: money. Your H is shrewder and more in control than my STBX.

Somer, you rock. I'll say some prayers for everything you're facing at work. And since I'm turning 44 this summer and dreaming of Fraxel, you'll have to fill us in (no pun intended) on how your work goes!


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm SO happy! He did a great job and I can see the difference already. It is a more refreshed look, very natural.

It must be good so far, my Mom and sister saw me after I had it done and they are going in next week to do it, too!

We need to treat ourselves very well!


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 10th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm SO happy! He did a great job and I can see the difference already. It is a more refreshed look, very natural.

It must be good so far, my Mom and sister saw me after I had it done and they are going in next week to do it, too!

We need to treat ourselves very well!

I love it Somer. A happy post on this thread - we need it!

Now you've got me googling the price of Fraxel! Just for fun of course.


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope,

I looked at a Fraxel website the other day while doing my "research". I'm not sure if they give the price, though, but I really liked the results!

I'm done with my pity party over losing most of my income. I now have a fresh face
and a fresh attitude and tomorrow morning starts Chapter 3 of my new life. I am actually looking forward to it!

Even though the refreshed "look" cost $$$, I figure it cost way less than IC would!


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps Fraxel should advertise on SI.

Update. So he said his CSAT said he needs to talk to mine before scheduling with me. I guess to get an idea of where I'm at, IDK. Problem is, and SAWH doesn't know this, my CSAT is having a medical procedure done tomorrow so IDK when they'd get to discuss me. He also said that CSAT said it is ambitious if not unlikely that we'd be able to schedule a formal disclosure by the end of the month due to scheduling, but he'd try to get it done ASAP. Again, until I actually talk to said CSAT who knows what all that really means.

Could mean it's darn near impossible to get their schedules aligned so quickly (which I would totally believe, it took a month to get into either of their calendars to begin with), could be he thinks he knows a whole lot more than I do about SAWH's history and wants to get my CSAT's take on how to handle me (and maybe he does, maybe he doesn't - I don't know which is worse), could be he knows SAWH is still not fully truthful and pursuing stuff like this is fruitless. Could be something else entirely I haven't thought of. Basically I don't know jack at this point, because I can't believe anything that SAWH says without verification from another source.

Sigh.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what pisses me off on your behalf, Hath, is that you are being "managed" and "handled". Like you're some delicate flower that cannot handle THE FRIGGING TRUTH ABOUT YOUR OWN FRIGGING LIFE!!!

I hate that. I hate that people think they have to couch things delicately and follow all these BS rules & procedures. Just tell the truth already! Spit ot out!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tru dat, NG. I do feel handled. I am so sick of being underestimated all the time. FWIW, SAWH had offered, when I laid down the law, to do disclosure on our own if we couldn't get a formal one lined up by the end of the month. IDK how I feel about that. I appreciate the gesture, but we've done that once before and he totally lied, how do I know it's the real truth this time?

I get that formal disclosure is a process, and it takes time to do it right. I also get that it is difficult to align two overbooked CSAT's schedules to do it, and I know they are doing other people's disclosure right now too, making availability even more challenging. But for chrissakes just meet with me already so I know if all our time is being wasted. A 10 minute discussion will determine if his CSAT knows as much as me (I don't need to know what he knows, only if he knows much less than I do). Another 10 minutes to know if he feels SAWH is all in, and not phoning it in. IDK what we'd do with the rest of the hour.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 5:01 PM, June 10th (Sunday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Evil  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,

My DDay was January 19, 2012 and I got my full disclosure on April 7, 2012 along with SAWH passing a polygraph. That was less than 3 months between. I'd tell your husband to shit or get off the pot. Enough is enough and a year is way too damn long! I think they truly hit rock bottom when they have to look at themselves in the mirror and REALLY see what they've become. Why do they need so much time? So they can procrastinate and avoid? Isn't that part of what led them down the SA rabbit hole? How are you supposed to start truly healing when you're missing so much information? Now, my SAWH and I work on our own issues separately, but we also work together. We both still have a ton of work to do, but things are very different now than they were 5 months ago and I feel a lot of that has to deal with a full disclosure and the polygraph.


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 10th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath,

I know you are getting a lot of advice about this, and you have to follow what you think is the right path. I am wondering if you really need to have both CSATs involved in the actual disclosure. That seems to be holding things up.

When I got disclosure, we did both see different CSATs at that time, but my CSAT was not involved with the other CSAT or the disclosure process.

I went to my SA's CSAT for the disclosure and the polygraph, then followed up with my CSAT in a different appointment. I am not saying that is how it should be done, but it worked well for me.

I am wondering, and maybe I missed this in your posts, but is your husband relaying all this information about what the CSAT is saying about the timeframe for the disclosure and scheduling, or are you hearing this from the CSAT himself?


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I know different therapists/places do disclosure differently. I do appreciate the different inputs on this, because clearly there is no one right answer for everybody. Knowledge is power, and I am getting verification from you ladies I am being jacked around.

The standard procedure at this place, and this is a center that specializes in sex addiction and spouses/family/children of SAs, is to have both CSATs involved in the disclosure process if possible. For the protection of both parties, an advocate for each side if you will. I want mine there. She will make sure it is not done at the expense of my healing. If he actually tells the truth, it's going to be absolutely earth-ending for me. 15+ years of frequent hooker use, at a *minimum*.

It pretty much means he married me without ever intending to be faithful, at a *minimum*. And we all know it is always worse that what we know. I could be dealing with legal ramifications fallout kind of stuff. Possibly every SA spouse's nightmare kind of stuff. I need an ally there for ME when it happens. If it happens. For all I know he's just stalling and never intends to do it.

I have not spoken to his CSAT directly. Yet. All the info thus far is through SAWH. Like I said my CSAT is having a procedure tomorrow morning, so nobody is getting a hold her of until Tuesday at the earliest. I can put a call into his CSAT tomorrow but if SAWH is telling the truth, it may not really expedite anything.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading this thread and wondering what everyone's opinions are on the polygraph.

Do you think it's accurate and was it a good tool to restore trust?

I have been doing a lot of research on the internet and from what I gathered, they aren't that reliable. The issue I am having is reestablishing trust with my H and it's a huge roadblock for me to think he is still not being honest.

Any help would be appreciated. Everyone here seems to really understand SA. We are new to this!

Thanks!


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGR- I don't have any experience with polygraphs, so I can't offer any advice.

hath- I wish I had more than hugs to offer, but I don't. I believe it's important for you to push for disclosure and arrange a date ASAP. Something is really off here & I'm concerned that it's at your expense. There needs to be truth and a clearing of some of the fog and lies. I'm afraid that if you continue to be accomodating, disclosure won't happen.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGR, I have mixed feelings about polygraphs. The center we use thinks they are a wonderful tool, use them for couple's therapy and also for IC with extreme addicts. But they have tremendous faith in the person they use for it, and they say he knows exactly how much is possible to extract in a session and where potential problem areas are.

I think of it like a sonogram. I've had techs that were barely knowledgeable and carried around clunky old equipment, and wasn't told much of anything that was useful. Then I have also been to a doctor's office where that is what they do all day, have the best and newest equipment, and can see things that even when pointed out to me I still couldn't see . But they were dead on, weere able to tell me the exact size of both my babies before they were born (not just weight, all the stats) and what issues they'd have. It would highly depend on who is running the poly for me, because I *know* YMMV for this kind of stuff.

I think it is all about your gut with the poly reader.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGRBEET-

I have required my SA to have a polygraph after disclosure, and then one every 6 months until I feel comfortable. I am using the polygrapher that worked with Doug Weiss (author and expert on sex addiction)

I believe that the biggest benefit to the polygraph is it is a good tool to elicit information even before the test is administered. Many SA's confess beforehand because they think they will be caught on the polygraph. I do believe it can work for the majority of people, if you have a experienced polygrapher and work with a CSAT in developing the questions.

Then there are those like my SA who can pass a polygraph, even when they lie, or "forget" things. On his last polygraph, I asked if he had had contact with any former affair partners in the last 6 months, he answered no and passed - then I found out months later that he had in fact contacted and taken a former affair partner out to lunch(and who knows what else) Now I am doubtful about the effectiveness of the polygraph with him. I think some SAs are either just so compartmentalized or skilled at lying that the polygraph does not work with them.

I would still recommend the polygraph, but just keep in mind that you must use it in conjuction with other tools, and your gut feeling is your most valuable tool.

[This message edited by cleo at 8:51 AM, June 11th (Monday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The idea of a polygraph was very useful for me, because the fact that I seriously thought about it demonstrated that for me, R wasn't possible. It wasn't even desirable. For me, being in a marriage with a man who was so low as to do ANYTHING which had me seriously considering a polygraph to force the truth was a marriage I didn't want to continue any longer. Polygraph or no polygraph, for me the marriage was too broken, and the man too undesirable.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would still recommend the polygraph, but just keep in mind that you must use it in conjuction with other tools, and your gut feeling is your most valuable tool.

This statement is so frightening to me because my "gut" was always at least six months behind my husband's activities. He would be able to ratchet things up for months before you could tell something was wrong.

I guess I feel like there's no real way to know what's in an addict's head, nor what he's really done or planning on doing. If a polygraph won't work, it seems sort of hopeless.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 1:26 PM, June 11th (Monday)]


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope,

I did not mean to say that a polygraph does not work for everyone, I do believe it can work. I get how hard this is.....you obviously can not know everything all the time, and addicts are masters of manipulation and lying. Unfortunately, sometimes even with our gut we don't know what is going on.

I struggle with the feeling of hopelessness too. The best I figure I can do, if I choose to stay in a marriage with a "recovering" sex addict( attends SA meetings, goes to counseling, and seems to be doing some work) - is to make sure I work on my own stuff and sharpen/ acquire tools to deal with this situation, work to keep myself sane, safe, to speak my truth and pursue some joy in life.

We have to have VERY tight boundaries and consequences with our SAs and hold them accountable -have very concrete bottom lines, whatever that means for you.

I hope my SA gets it together and stays in recovery. I have seen it happen with some of the couples in my recovery group, but I also know it might not happen for us. This is the choice we have to make - bottom line is that staying with an SA, even a recovering one is very risky...it just is- but in the end it is our choice to make. I am still trying to figure out if I want to take the risk. I would have to go into it with the very real knowlege that I could be tricked again... and I may not find out for a few months or even a year...it sucks!

In the mean time, there is nothing to stop you and I from being the best we can be, aside from the addict we are married to. We can be a great Mom, daughter, sister, friend. Go back to school, pursue your career goals, make new friends, or spend time with old ones. Find some joy in our lives.....this SA crap is not all we are about.

[This message edited by cleo at 5:04 PM, June 11th (Monday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry - double post!

[This message edited by cleo at 4:52 PM, June 11th (Monday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks you for all of your advice....no matter where I turn with this situation my H has created it...it just sucks for me and my kids.

How can he lie, lie, lie about who he is and what he did?

I am trying my best to try to get thru this as positive as possible. It is so DIFFICULT! The pain he has created nearly has destroyed me and I try every day to pick myself up and yet I still stay here and try to make it work.....

I am in counseling but am still struggling with what I want to do. I am in LIMBO hell and I still don't understand why he did this and there is so much work for him to do to get to the point of being able to make this ok with himself, me and his kids.

Why oh why do they do this? I don't think I will ever accept what has happened.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
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