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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

*****(((GHOST)))***** I am so worried about you. Are you still at the cottage? Are you safe? I will PM you.

Hath, I'm sorry that things don't seem to be going well. I'm thinking of you.

Welcome to everyone new here. Beachbunny, I don't know exactly what occurred near your children. But whatever it is, it could hurt your children in all sorts of ways. Children are all too often the innocent victims of SA parents. They overhear things, they read things, they see things that hurt them forever. So one of your first steps now is to do whatever it takes to protect your children. Please keep posting here - lots of people will help you. I can't recall which books contain advice about children, but I think you can google it. Try Google Scholar. And good luck, stay strong.

BeautifulMess, you can't control a SA, even if you give him a million rules. Bamboozled said it best:

You didn't cause him to be an SA, you can't control his SA, and you sure as hell can't cure his SA. He is the only one who can do that. And he's not going to magically do that overnight--regardless of how many rules you give him to follow.

and


But, I've learned thru 7 years of recovery work that you can't force someone else to be sober. You're right that you don't want to enable him. He has to want to recovery for himself. You do him no favor by ignoring his bad behavior, but you also do him no favor by being his parent and spelling out every possible way he can screw up.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all....brand new here. Been lurking about for a couple weeks getting the courage up to register and post. To start, have to say I'm sad for all of us who have had to post here - reading all these posts is heartbreaking.

My story - married for 13 years, my anniversary is this week,so I guess 14 now. Have known my husband for another 4 years before we were married. Had a really good marriage for the most part - two wonderful kiddos, husband's work has him traveling a lot (about 2 weeks a month on average). We've always done well, gotten along well, have similar interests and whatnot. Sure, we had some sticking points - life was somewhat stale from age (typical, I think for where we're at family-wise), and he has some issues of laziness and anger/communication issues that popped up now and again.

So, couple days after Christmas 2011, while he was upstairs putting the kids to bed, I got on his computer to play a facebook game. It was password protected, but he uses a pattern so it was only a couple of tried before I figured it out. One of the bottom tabs on his browser read "Red Light Reviews". Heart pounding, I clicked it and opened up a whole new chapter in my life. Husband has been using prostitutes and reviewing them for the benefit of a pervert community he was active in. I was stunned...read through as much as I could stomach, including his profile to get as much information as possible before calling him downstairs. He saw what I was looking at, and immediately denied it, saying it was only "curiosity" blah blah. Long story short, he ended up admitting to the one time, saying how sorry he was and how committed he was to me. However, while I was on there, I saw a secret email address he was using. I continued the hunt and figured out the password to the new account and BAM! Found out he had been cheating on me for 10 years, with men and women, all races, spending up to $2K a month (he always wanted to do all the finances, and with my trust blinders on, I let him). I never suspected a thing, as he acted out on his way to the airport for his work trips, or took long lunches at work.

I kicked him out the next morning, and filed for divorce within the week. He has admitted to it all now (as much as I know about, anyway), and is in IC with a therapist for SA. He seems to have broken off the relationships with his pervert network and his favorite prostitutes (he had been texting them over 1500 times a month - why didn't I check the records sooner?).

I put the divorce on hold, more out of financial fear than anything, and we are still seperated. He wants to R, but I'm just disgusted and horrified still, even after 7 months. Thankfully, I tested clean for STDs. He's given me control of all the $, and tried to be accountable for all his actions, but I can't trust, and wonder if I ever can, or if I even want to. I don't want to grow old with a sex offender, and the first thing that pops into my head when I look at him is "pervert". *sigh*

I've started school again, though it will take about 3 years to get licensed in what I'm trying to get, so there is a lot of financial fear. Right now, just coasting, trying to work past the anger and grief, making contingency plans,seeing my own IC and looking for happy moments. Thanks for letting me vent.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Benificence, what a shocking way to find out out! I'm so sorry you're here. Since you've been reading here for a while, you know that many members have the sudden, overwhelming, "shock & awe" type discovery like you.

What is your SA doing to begin recovery? What did he initiate on his own for recovery, and what is/was at your prompting? What are YOU doing for your own recovery?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, NG. So far, we've both been seeing IC's separately. With his travel, he only sees his maybe once or twice a month. I've been seeing mine every week to every two weeks, depending on my mental state. I don't really trust his recovery. I get that he is "doing things right" - I now insist he gives all his receipts to me, no excess cash, must take cabs to the airport, has given me all the passwords (but not to say he couldn't just create new secret accounts so easily).

He's doing the steps I've asked for, but I think in his head that he is sorry he got caught, but not really truly remorseful about it. It just feels like he's checking off the boxes to get me to allow him to come home. I don't think he's in a great place - he never made a group of friends here (always said he was too busy with work), but I think his group of "friends" he developed were the pervert community. His family is across the country, so now his only social network is our family, so he is feeling lonely. He even complained about 4th of July about feeling "excluded". Well, duh! Separated = excluded.

He's started giving me grief, too, about taking the taxis to the airport and how "incovenient" it is for him, and how it's been 7 months and I need to be giving him "concessions". I just don't feel he really gets it - probably has justified it to himself for so long that he'll never get it. I'm just thankful I didn't find out from a call from jail, which it could have easily been.

For myself, I've been seeing my own counselor, but I'm beginning to feel it may be time to stop or find someone new. She's pro-marriage, and talks in psychobabble that I have trouble relating to and understanding. I don't feel I'm making a whole lot of progress healing anymore. When I show my anxiousness, it's always just keep a journal, exercise, and self-care. Which I do, but that's about it from her. It's my first experience with counseling, so I have nothing to compare this to.

Hopefully I will learn and get ideas from you guys too on how to deal, move forward.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Beneficence)))
I'm so sorry to hear your story - it must have been so shocking and traumatic. It also has so many familiar elements to me. I have two wonderful children too (6 and 7), and I'm getting divorced.

He's doing the steps I've asked for, but I think in his head that he is sorry he got caught, but not really truly remorseful about it. It just feels like he's checking off the boxes to get me to allow him to come home. I don't think he's in a great place - he never made a group of friends here (always said he was too busy with work), but I think his group of "friends" he developed were the pervert community.

This was all very true about my STBX too. He was never able to express true remorse or empathy for the pain he caused me. He said sorry a lot, but could never elaborate on it. He started parroting the words that the therapist gave him, but he never came up with an original thought that seemed to express true remorse.

And I believe that the friendship thing is important too. As my STBX was drawn further and further into his own pervert world, he started "leaving" this world in many ways. The most obvious was friendships. He stopped reaching out to old friends, got quieter, and stopped making new friends. I think this is common. Then the SAs become more and more isolated - they really do start leaving the real world behind as they spend more and more time in their addict world.

It's all very sad and traumatic.

I really hope you can switch ICs. Your IC shouldn't be allowing her personal beliefs or philosophy to enter into her sessions with clients. And psychobabble is not a good sign either. I hope you can find someone that can relate to your situation, and remain neutral and professional.

Are you and your husband able to see a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist)? They are trained in SA. I just wrote here a few days ago that my STBX and I wasted many years with normal therapists when we should have been seeing CSATS.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, everyone!!

I just wanted to pop in with a reminder about the partner program over at recoverynation.com


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, July 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding, CH. It's horrible to think more people are suffering as I am - I'm sorry for your divorce. It truly is mind-boggling.

I don't think thre are any CSAT's around where we are - we kinda live out in the sticks, and we are limited by insurance to certain people. Right now his counselor is one that deals with general addiction issues (drugs/alcohol), not necessarily SA. I picked mine based on a friend's recommendation.

Is your relationship with your STBXH amicable? Are your kids handling things okay? My oldest kiddo is confused and wants his dad back home. We can't tell him much...just that dad broke trust issues. Sad for kiddo. I feel guilty for having them in this situation. I came from a happy unbroken home, as did my husband, and we were always talking about how great it was.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**((SA Spouses))**


BeautifulMess~

I identify with everything you wrote. Truly I do. TBH, though, I agree with Bamboozled. Work *your* recovery. Your lists repeats detachment as a consequence- but the list itself shows efforts to control him. Detachment is *healthy*, not a punishment or a consequence. Obviously, donít be an enabler. Be upfront with how you feel. I canít emphasize enough- find an S-Anon or AA program, attend meetings and work your recovery. Several things I struggle with:

1. Accepting that I will be shown what I need to know when I need to know it. I have found this to be completely true. For example, I learned of WHís reconnecting with EAOP *by accident* less than three weeks after he initiated contact.

2. Recognizing that my recovery timeline is completely different from his, and neither of us will be in the same place at the same time. And that this will continue for a long time.

3. *My* desire for his recovery and his ability and willingness to work his recovery are totally different.

beachbunny~

Children will be affected by living with an addict regardless of whether or not they know specific details. My children know WH is an addict and Iíve not hidden that. However, my children were teens on Dday #1 & when WH diagnosed. IMO, honesty is the only way to go. Other than that I have no suggestions.


beneficence~

Welcome to the SA Spouse board. Your story sounds horrible. I know the trauma and horror of that type of discovery. Keep posting for support. Iíve posted links for finding support groups & there are links for finding certified sex addiction therapists (CSATs) on p. 1 of this thread. I canít emphsize enough how crucial it is to find a CSAT for each of you. Failing that find an addiction IC for *each* of you. It really does make that much of a difference. Seven months out is still very very early in the recovery process. Donít set a healing timeline for either of you (one of my biggest mistakes). Let time unfold your path. Believe me, I know how hard that is.

As for me, I posted down in OT. Nothing new re: SA issues or recovery this weekend.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome, Sabina. I love how you said to let time unfold your path. I worry and think about everything so much, and try to think of different paths to take, that I end up paralyzed, unable to do anything. I definitely feel his pressure to "do" something, but I can't even look him in the eye yet, let alone do more at this point.

I'm almost afraid to do anything concerning his SA - it is so abhorrent that I don't even want to contemplate it - I would be scared to see a CSAT. I think its just me protecting myself from the pain and horror. I don't know. I don't want to be associated with it. maybe I'm still in denial - can't really face/grasp it. I did check for conselors, though - none in our insurance network. :(


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beneficence, your story makes me so sad. I hope you can find some of the support you need here. (((Beneficence)))

I hope everyone is doing ok. H and I spent part of the weekend trying to find our new "normal." This is going to be much longer and harder of a process than I thought at the outset.

In other news, my NPD asshole sister, initiated this conversation and went on and ON about her boob popping out of her bikini while jet skiing with my H (cue awkward moment for H and I), and then proceeded to call her BF my H's name... all this in front of a bunch of people. Aside from the fact that H and I are privately dealing with his SA, she really embarrassed herself in front of the whole family. She stormed out of the house pouting and her poor BF had to go comfort her.

I thought about making an issue with H but decided that I was going to just call this what it is... my sister being the complete NPD asshole she is. If it turns out there's more to the story... well, I'll deal with that train wreck when if it ever gets here. But for now, I didn't feel that it was fair to make assumptions about H.

Anyway, I'm still waiting on my books from Amazon NG recommended so i can read up on how to deal with this stuff. Not much else to report here.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Benificence, I spent many years feeling like just being married to a SA made me dirty. This past year has been especially hard on me in this way because I finally forced myself to see and acknowledge what was true. Since the separation six months ago I found out even WORSE stuff than I imagined. I have at times felt like just clawing my skin off to try & shed the filth of being associated with STBX. I felt like just having been married to him contaminated me.

Is that kind of what you're talking about? Is that kind of part of your denial?

I'm better now, BTW. The only way to get past it was to go through it.

Interestingly, I've never once felt any revulsion for my children. I bring this up because in a county-mandated parenting class the teacher mentioned several times how we shouldn't transfer our dislike of our STBX onto our children. I found that a bizarre notion, since such a thought has never even entered my mind. Maybe I'm so good at compartmentalizing due to my FOO issues that I've been able to completely keep my kids separate from my revulsion about STBX? Which would be a good thing, I think.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**((SA Spouses))**


Beneficence, when your SAWH pushes you, heís projecting what he knows he needs to do onto you. Typical addict behavior. Try not to let him succeed at pushing your buttons. NEM, we too are trying to find our new normal. Although TBH, for a long time I resisted and pushed back against making SA part of my/our new normal. A long time. I still donít want to weave this into the fabric of our M. I have to though. I canít let my desire for the comfort of denial hold me back. Eyes wide open is my motto. NG, Iíve always thought it was ironic that a spouse can use compartmentalization to a good purpose- protecting our kids, but the addicts in our lives always use it to hide their repulsive secret lives.

edited for clarity


Have a good day everyone~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:12 AM, July 16th (Monday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, Im still around... still disgusted about half the time. Maybe less than half. Is that supposed to be good enough?

What disgusts me the most is that I will never get the whole truth out of him. I dont even know if hes capable of it.

Im sorry you have to be here beneficence and hugs to all of you.

I was wondering how your counseling has helped you? Because, as Ive complained about before, mine really has NOT. She has actually caused me more stress. Shes the only one around here who deals with spouses of SA. Shes not even covered by my insurance and Im sick of shelling out money for nothing. I mostly see her for MC and occasional IC.

I guess what Im wondering is, what should I be looking for? Someone with my philosophy? In what ways has yours helped you? How do you know you found the right one for you? I dont really want to go around to every therapist(with no clue abt SA) in the area and start all over from scratch.

Thanks for listening. I guess Im feeling bummed today


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Beneficence
♀ Member
Member # 36129
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NEM - thanks. It's nice to be here and not feel so alone in this. I don't know anyone else who has experienced something like this.

NG - I can't even really put into words what I'm feeling about it. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in the porcupine/ostrich stage that I started in - either consumed with rage and prickles, or comforted by denial, like Sabina mentioned. It's just hard to wrap my head around, because I never *saw* the affairs, I never *saw* the behaviors. It's all from things I've read, which makes it rather intellectual. Like being with him with him acting normal feels like it was before, because we were always normal together, and sometimes the feeling is so normal and comforting that when reality sneaks back in again, it's a sledgehammer. I guess I'm just fearful of truly processing it. Even though I've spent every day in the last 7 months thinking about it, I really am not sure it's really sunk in yet - it still feels like I should be waking up from the nightmare soon.

It's interesting about the transference with the kids thing. I haven't noticed it with mine, but I could see where it could happen. I'm lucky that my kids look like me. I have noticed though, that I am not lenient on bad behaviors my son picked up from his dad (anger expressions/behaviors), and I'm cracking down on that, especially useful now that SAWH is away and not reinforcing them as much.

DrivingPast - Sorry you're having a crap day. I hope you can shake it off for a better one tomorrow. I'm interested in responses to your questions about what to be looking for in the "right" therapist. I would like to know as well.

Sabina - thanks for the button-pushing advice. You are spot on.


D-Day: 12/27/11
Me: BS, Stay-at-home mom, 36
Him: SAWS, 38
Married 14 years, discovered 10 years of affairs on D-Day, now separated
Two awesome kidlets, 10, 7

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the Betrayed Men thread, someone was saying that there is a limit for how much of this A shit we can deal with before it becomes just too much, can't let it take over our day, that kind of thing. I'm sure I'm not doing what was said justice, but it got me thinking today before and during IC about how needy H is and how exhausted I am trying to support him and be reassuring and comforting in this SA crisis.

...and then I thought WTF, this is what y'all have been telling me since I came to this thread. Didn't cause it, can't fix it. Why am I running myself ragged trying to make him feel better? Some of it is probably because of my guilt as a WS and I do need to make that right. So there's some sorting to do... But he's been in a really desperate, upset and lost place ever since we found out he was SA. Worse than D-Day and the aftermath of finding out about our A's. I'm so tired of trying to make him feel better. I'm drained. I need a vacation, so instead of working late or reading about A stuff, I'm watching an old episode of a favorite TV show and hanging out with my cats tonight. Hopefully this recharges my batteries so I can get back in the game and do things right (step one being continuing to figure out what I'm supposed to do to make things right because of my A/ let him figure his SA shit out himself). Blah!


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
beachbunny
♀ Member
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was never able to express true remorse or empathy for the pain he caused me. He said sorry a lot, but could never elaborate on it. He started parroting the words that the therapist gave him, but he never came up with an original thought that seemed to express true remorse.

I'm living this particular horror movie too. I get paranoid about it sometimes, like, "Is the man capable of killing me???!!!!" (because the extreme lack of empathy

Just wanted to chime in and give hugs to us all...I'll catch up on rest of posts later after babies in bed.

I've been posting in General about dropping SAWH at SA Rehab yesterday...


BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, (((beachbunny))) I'm so sorry. You sound like you are being so strong for your little ones. I've been following your thread in General. My thoughts are with you. (((bb)))


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was never able to express true remorse or empathy for the pain he caused me. He said sorry a lot, but could never elaborate on it. He started parroting the words that the therapist gave him, but he never came up with an original thought that seemed to express true remorse.
I'm living this particular horror movie too. I get paranoid about it sometimes, like, "Is the man capable of killing me???!!!!" (because the extreme lack of empathy

(((BeachBunny))) This is how I finally realized that my STBX has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No true empathy or remorse. Also two separate therapists told me they suspected he had it, though he was never formally diagnosed.

You might want to google it. For some reason, there is a huge overlap here between men with personality disorders (esp. NPD) and sex addiction. First the wives discover the sex addiction, and then they start observing other cracks in their spouse's personality. Things that had been getting worse for a long time.

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm living this particular horror movie too. I get paranoid about it sometimes, like, "Is the man capable of killing me???!!!!" (because the extreme lack of empathy

I lived this nightmare, too. Many nights I barricaded the door to the room I slept in, "just in case". Other nights I had one or more of the children sleep in the same room with me (depending on which child, or all of them, he was currently angry with all the time & bullying)(and many nights they requested this, sleeping with me, because they were so afraid of him), door barricaded, knife under my pillow. Just in case.

Even though he's gone now I still sleep with a knife, and I have weapons available in most rooms. Just in case. STBX is a scary SOB. His verbal violence, his black rages, his hair-trigger tempers, his complete unpredictability. He scares the shit out of me even to this day. Sex addiction was not the only problem. Him cheating was hardly the worst thing about him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrivingPast asked:

was wondering how your counseling has helped you?.. I guess what Im wondering is, what should I be looking for? Someone with my philosophy? In what ways has yours helped you? How do you know you found the right one for you?

Iíve seen a CSAT for a year for the SA part and I saw a regular IC for eighteen months for the codep/trauma part. I also went to S-Anon meetings weekly for a year. For the first twelve months after SAWH's diagnosis I averaged two hours of therapy and two hours of group support *each week*. It was enormously expensive and worth every single penny. Every minute of hard introspection and turmoil and sheer *hell*. HELL.

Iím on a temporary hiatus right now. Last time I saw a therapist of any kind was last December. Iím slowly contemplating returning to therapy some time this summer. What did I look for? A female therapist who is multi-credentialed across more than one specialty. For my IC I needed someone on a sliding scale who specialized in womenís issues, particularly codependancy, trauma and abuse. Even on the sliding scale Iíve spent and still owe a significant amount of money. My original IC retired after a year, we had great rapport and she approached me in ways I could relate to- this doesnít happen on the first try very often and I was lucky- and grateful. My second IC only lasted five months. We werenít a good fit & I ended up dropping out of therapy last fall right in the middle of a serious health scare.

I wanted someone who could lead me back to the path of mental and emotional wellness. I expected it to be difficult and painful- and it was. I expected to grow and learn, and I have. I expected a long hard look into my contributions to the dance SAWH and I choreographed together. I tend to be very blame oriented, and I didnít see the connections between my childhood and my approach to our M. I didnít *want* to see the patterns I unconsciously built and maintained which contribute to the atmosphere in my M. I can only control and cure myself, if I refuse to look inward and see the dark and ugly parts of myself, I wonít be able to fully heal and be well.

Therapy isnít for the fainthearted. Someone here on SI says that therapy will make you well, but first it will piss you off. Lol I canít say I *enjoy* therapy, but I know that with the right IC itís really good for me.


~ Sabina


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"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


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