Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: mexico (43213)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-9
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsbetrayed's excellent post on resources for those dealing with SA:
List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.
~~
Educate yourself about sexual addiction.
First and foremost you should read these books:
"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
~~~~
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)
~~~~
Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.
~~~~
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")
~~~~
Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

12 steps of S-Anon:

1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


Here are some examples of the 12 steps translated to a secular versions:

Humanist 12 steps:

1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop acting out sexually have failed.

2. We believe that we must turn elsewhere for help.

3. We turn to our fellow man, particularly those who have struggled with the same problem.

4. We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to act out sexually.

5. We ask our friends to help us avoid those situations.

6. We are ready to accept the help they give us.

7. We honestly hope they will help.

8. We have made a list of the persons we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.

9. We shall do all we can to make amends, in any way that will not cause further harm.

10. We will continue to make such lists and revise them as needed.

11. We appreciate what our friends have done and are doing to help us.

12. We, in turn, are ready to help others who may come to us in the same way.

The Atheist/Agnostic 12 Steps

1. We admitted that we were using sexual acting out in spite of better judgment, and that it was destroying many aspects of, if not all aspects of our lives and causing harm to ourselves and those around us.

2. Came to realize that we needed the support of others that could truly relate to us, what our acting out had done to us and those around us, and could help steer us back on track when our thinking and behavior got destructive. In short, that we can not find all of the answers alone.

3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life into the right direction, despite my desire to overindulge myself. I realized that I am much more fulfilled as a person when I am truly there to take care of myself and others; and that this is impossible when actively acting out.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs. When appropriate, asked the opinions of others and were willing to take those opinions into consideration, whether they were what we wanted to hear or not.

6. Were entirely ready to make a plan of action to stop these behaviors that were harmful to us and others.

7. Let go of resentments, or at least became willing to try. Started to acknowledge that many of our resentments really came down to our defects, not those of others.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Made a genuine effort to maintain a positive attitude, practice patience and understanding of others, and remain honest with ourselves when tracing the root of our troubles. Continued to think for ourselves and not be easily led, but seriously considered the input of others.

12. Having a much stronger sense of self-worth and purpose as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other SAs, and to practice these principles in all our affairs


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, I am blessed by all your wisdom and experience.

SAWH has an appointment with his CSAT tomorrow. In light of recent events, and what you all have shared with me, here is my revised plan, subject to further changes as I see fit:

I'm going to tell him at his CSAT appointment tomorrow, he is signing that paper that says his CSAT can share info with me if he hasn't already. And I'm taking his next available appointment. SAWH can babysit the kids for it, unless it's during a time I already have a sitter lined up. I need to hear from the CSAT his perspective, find out if he is getting resistance or being snowed, and take out any chance it turns into a intervention for SAWH by not having him there.

I'm also telling him I need formal disclosure ASAP. I have waited long enough. He can schedule it after my parents leave, for my convenience and to give him time to do the work. However, every day until it happens, after my parents leave, he doesn't sleep here. He has to find somewhere else to live. He is welcome to arrange for visitation, to talk to me, etc but he's not staying here at night at all. And he should plan on sleeping somewhere else the day of disclosure too, I may need the space. And after disclosure, I will determine if/when he is allowed to move back in. If he's not fully honest, it's not happening.

I'm also telling him he is signing the post nup ASAP, confirm all the parameters, and tell him I am upping the spousal support amount. Our original terms were made after he lied to me about what happened, I am entitled to more since he lied and he was aware of that when he chose to lie to me. I will tell him I will not tolerate any stalling on signing it. It may mean we have to go get it signed while my parents are here, if I can get it done that quickly.

Still undecided on telling his mom. Leaning towards telling her together, so she is aware if she gives him money. Might be too much to take on right now though.

Then depending on how all this plays out, I can consider if/when i tell my FOO.

I have childcare set up for an extra day next week so I can go to my S-Anon, or to my lawyer, or to my CSAT.

What else? What am I missing?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,

I didnít tell my mom who was visiting and was with us at the time of DD2 and DD3 (she only missed DD1 which was a joke anyway.

My experience was that he hit rock bottom only AFTER the disclosure. And he felt such regret that he signed the post nup and gave me whatever I wanted. He cried while we were signing the papers.

I got the truth without any therapists involved (thanks to the place I live in), but it seems that they complicate things to much. He cannot not be ready to give you the truth of YOUR life. He can do it, he is as far as he is in recovery and it can take a week or a year for him to get ready, why would you wait and be considerate? If he could do all these thing, if he could be brave enough to live the double life it is time he puts his big boys pants on and takes complete responsibility. He has to face YOU sooner and later and why you should be the understanding one? I donít think he is that fragile, if anyone is, it is you.

Wait for your family to leave and just insist on the disclosure, or maybe decide to do it while they are visiting, you might need some help with everyday chores after it. I kept my mom in the dark (told her we have problems), but, boy, was I grateful that she cooked for us.

I have to run, but a know where you are as I also slowly discovered there is more and more. And the little power I thought I had was gone.

Hugs, hugs, hugs


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life is better when you break free of the chains FEAR binds you in.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8780 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, believe it or not we've had the discussion. He came home, brought me food, and when I told him we needed to talk tonight, he said, let's go and do it now, while the kids are occupied in the basement.

He isn't sure if he already signed the paper allowing me to discuss his treatment, but he will be sure it is signed tomorrow. He will schedule me for his CSAT's next available appointment. He was not pleased when I said he had to arrange for the kids if it was outside of my childcare arrangements. Once he figured out he could just call for a babysitter instead of leave during work hours, he relented.

He agreed I needed disclosure ASAP. He said however I needed to be open to doing while my parents are here since the CSAT's schedules will be hard enough to coordinate as is. He also said I should consider him sleeping in the basement instead of elsewhere if it drags out due to their scheduling conflicts, because it would really drain our budget. I said I would think about it. He's hoping it can be resolved quickly and thus a non-issue. We shall see I guess.

He understands it is a one shot deal. If he does not come fully clean this time, it is over. He says he's just grateful he gets a second opportunity.

No resistance on the post nup, including my new terms. He did say he may want to tweak wording, since that is what he does for a living, but he will not take away from the spirit of the agreement, or take a long time to review it.

I reminded him that among my consequences for not telling the truth the first time, was telling others, including his mother. That I had HUGE internal struggles with this. That as a mother, I felt she had a right to know, especially given the recent circumstances. That she needed to know if she gave him money, it could be used for his SA as it has been in the past. I told him I was taking a HUGE risk even just discussing this with him first, because I was giving him opportunity to gaslight her and discredit me beforehand, but I was trying to be authentic with my feelings and his consequences. I told him if I found out he did in fact do that as a result, it is over. He only asked I consider it fully, as it cannot be undone. And I reminded him she would eventually find out, when he got to the step where he made amends to those he had wronged. I don't know if he had actually considered that before, it was a bitter pill to swallow. I didn't discuss my FOO at all.

He said he understood why I needed these new boundaries, and he was grateful to have the opportunity to respect them. To please be patient with him as we worked out the logistics to meet them. That he loved me and wanted to do right by me.

So there it is. It is what it is. Only time will tell now.

As if that was ever not the case.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, how are your children doing? Are they oblivious to all the tension, etc.?

Also, I might have missed this, but do you have the evidence somewhere safe? Just in case you end up in a future custody fight?

(hugs)


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Angry  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things had been very good (or so I thought) but on May 27th we had a little argument and the way he was reacting and treating me was a huge trigger. He left to take our DD hiking and I tried for a couple of hours to ignore my gut. I finally gave in and found that he had started slipping sometime early this year, looks like February or so. He began with inappropriate "news" entertainment things like a slideshow of Jenny McCarthy but progressed to looking at pictures of a woman on Facebook who likes to post inappropriate photos. In this case she was taking a bath. Not only is that a huge slap in the face to me but she is a black woman. He cheated with several black women before. This is a HUGE trigger for me.

He claims he didn't look at porn (and I didn't find any evidence) he claims he didn't masturbate (I have no idea) he claims he didn't contact any women (and I found no evidence.) I've been set back to square one emotionally. I'm triggering all over the place. I can't sleep. I was calm and kind when I confronted him. He didn't deny it. He cried for an hour. But now, I'm angry. His CSAT and group say he doesn't have to reset his sobriety and are calling this "research" and not even calling it a slip. I've reached out to the women's group where he attends his men's group and gotten no reply. So, here we go again, all the support is given to the addict while I flounder all alone. I insisted that we see his CSAT together and that was a huge mistake since his CSAT spent the entire time defending my SAH and telling me to work my recovery. Um, EXCUSE ME??? *I* didn't do this. I didn't wait 6+ years and fucking blindside my partner AGAIN. What exactly do I need to be doing for my recovery? Where exactly is my fault in this?? And let's not forget that I had to fucking CATCH him AGAIN. He promised he would tell me when he struggled and early on in his recovery he did. I told him that if I found out without him telling me that it would be devastating to me and he chose to do it again. He's sleeping on the couch but otherwise suffers zero consequences while I'm swimming in his fucking sewage again. It took me over 3 years to recover from the first time I got blindsided and another 3 years to trust him and be in a really good place.

I had lately been feeling really, really in love with him. Our intimacy had improved and there were times I actually wanted to make love (rather than the norm of not really wanting to but enjoying it once we got going) And he had been initiating which was a huge leap. He NEVER initiated and it was always a problem. Not I can't help but think he was initiating because of what he was looking at online. He denies it, but the damage is done. My libido is GONE. I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole now. We did try to make love once since this last discovery and it was awful. I couldn't get the mind movies out of my head and I couldn't enjoy it. I have no desire to try again.

He destroyed everything again. How many years will it take to heal this time? And gee does it seem fair that it's all on me? I can stay or I can leave. No other options and either way he's fine because his CSAT and his group believe him and will support him. I'm on my fucking own.

Lovely.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 8:36 PM, June 8th (Friday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs,

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again. I cannot imagine how you must feel right now.

Just wanted to let you know that you've been heard.

Somer


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((SA Spouses)))***

7yrs~

I'm so, so sorry. I truly hoped you were moving on in positive directions and that's why you weren't here. I wish you had people and places to support you and I'm angry and dismayed that you don't. I'm shocked and indignant your SAWH's CSAT said what he did to you! *sigh* Come and vent away, we've big shoulders and time to listen.

hath~

I'm glad some important things have been ironed out. I hope it eases a tiny bit of pressure for you. Hold his feet to the fire re: legal paperwork. Take good care of yourself. Post often.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hath,
just wanted to tell you I admire you!

7yearsbetrayed....I think you and I started on this board years ago. Sorry to see we both are still dealing with this crap.......sending strength, love and peace to you.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to share a book I have found very empowering in dealing with the fallout from living with a sex addict - it is called "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.

I have fought hard against being labeled "co-dependent" - but this book of daily meditations has been very empowering to me and helped me to see some things that have allowed me to give away my power and to be abused by the SA. Is anyone else familiar with this book?

Also - as 7yearsbetrayed recommends "The Sexually Addicted Spouse" - a must read for partners of a sex addict.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Suspicious  Posted: 6:05 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's a liar. Big shock right? I didn't dig far when I checked his computer that day and when I asked he said he'd only been doing inappropriate things since February. I dug deeper. The history only goes back to October but he was at it then. Looking at things that violate boundaries and that he knew would be hurtful to me. By May he's escalated to looking at real women on FB who like to post slutty pictures.

I'm destroyed. I asked him how he could do this to me again after he saw the pain he put me through 7 years ago and his response was that he forgot.

He forgot.

Wow.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:18 PM, June 9th (Saturday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm destroyed. I asked him how he could do this to me again after he saw the pain he put me through 7 years ago and his response was that he forgot.

I could have written this last year. My STBX said some of the right things, but overall, I knew he didn't feel true remorse or have any empathy for me and how I was destroyed by what he did.

***(((7yrsBetrayed)))***


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((7yrsBetrayed)))

Are they able to feel real empathy? Are they able to feel real remorse? When we say they are damaged or broken emotionally it probably includes the inability to feel for others.

For a while now, I have been watching my WH reactions to my moods and feelings. My view might be distorted but I am sure there is something missing in him (might be something all of them have in common). Something big, emotional, human. Canít point out what, but believe me I am closer to finding it that any therapist is. I see it in small thing as much as in the big ones.

And that missing block is what makes it possible to FORGET the pain he caused 7 years ago. How can anyone forget such destruction? To me it is like saying you forgot that someone close to you died.

YOU JUST DONíT FORGET!!!


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Empathy....I think this is the biggest piece of the puzzle that will help us decide if our SA spouses are really in recovery. I believe while it is possible for an SA to struggle with empathy while they are still acting out and newly in recovery, there should be a point shortly after starting recovery that the empathy and real remorse is truly displayed.

I have seen this in some of the ladies in my recovery group....once their husbands got rolling in recovery(12 step, recovery group, counseling) they did everything they could to make amends. It was obvious how sorry they were, how heartbroken they were at the devastation they had caused. It was not an SA pity party, it was true concern for their partner.

Then there are those like my SA, even though he does go to meetings, counseling, and has sponsored some guys - he has had some slips and what I call a relapse, still tells lies, and still has a defensive, entitled attitude. It has been one year since disclosure and I still don't have the amends that are supposed to be part of the 12 steps, even though he has "completed" the 12 steps.

My gut tells me this is a personality disorder. That there is a good chance he will not ever be able to have true empathy or remorse.

It just keeps coming back to each of us as partners of SA's...we love them and have a desire to give them a chance to get better, but when is it enough? At what point do we decide we have given all we can, and our OUR needs are not being met. I don't know- I think I am close. I am learning to speak my truth and hold to my boundaries.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7rs...big big hugs. You know the truth. That's all that matters. Just remember the Karma bus always makes the rounds. I am SO sorry that you have to deal with the betrayal AGAIN. You are absolutely right, not fair.

Hope, the kids don't know, don't suspect D or anything like that. However, they are subject to parents with short patience and tempers. We both yell at the kids more than we should. Clearly I can't be the supermom they were used to, but that's been going on for a year so now regular mom is more the norm. I can say the tension has gone way down since moving here. As you can tell from my posts we are both very "reasonable" people so it's not like there is a lot of screaming and fighting. It's more of the tension for me continuing to wait for the other shoe to drop again, and him waiting for me to be fed up and make him leave I guess. The next month will be very telling. Although clearly from everyone else's stories not the last battle in the least.

As for the evidence...what I have is safe. Not entirely sure what all is legally useful. My focus has been to secure the sole custody via post nup so it won't have to be an issue. IDK how much the evidence would truly weigh in given yours and NG's experiences, especially since it is primarily limited to hookers met elsewhere. There's no evidence of acting out with others in the home, in front of the kids, fetish activity, teen/kiddie porn, random encounters, etc so it may not be all that useful in court. And to use it would destroy his earning capacity completely. So I can only use it as a last resort, when all hope is lost. But like I said, I'm learning from you ladies and other SI members so I can have the legal advantage anyway. Hopefully I inspire others to do the same.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have huge struggles with the empathy part of the equation too. IDK that SAs are truly capable of it.

My middle daughter appears to hbe incapable of empathy. there is not a mean bone in her body, she's very positive, affectionate, and giving, but she has NO empathy at all. If she wrongs somebody, she only says sorry because that is what social standards dictate she does. She's only upset about how it affected her. She has to be told, over and over again, how the choices she makes affect other people.

Part of this is being six years old, of course. But comparatively to her peers, it's much more pronounced. She has other issues, like being to determine other people's moods. Yet they tell me she's not Asperger's, just garden variety gifted which comes with some social retardation, for lack of a better word. That they learn empathy and reading feelings and all that, just at a slower pace than other kids.

I look at my SAWH, and wonder if that's true. He's also evil genius smart, and lacking in the empathy part. He appears to not be completely devoid, but I wonder how much of that is because he understands how to work the appearance of empathy and thoughtfulness to his advantage. He's definitely more interested in being right that doing the right thing most of the time.

Anyway, it's rambly, but my point is I think there may be a deficiency in SAs that compromise if not negate the ability to empathize, which makes addiction easy to escalate even at extreme costs to those around them. What I don't know is can it be fixed.

I fear for my daughter. If I'm right, she probably has the same deficiency, inherited it from him. Which puts her at great risk.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath - I live in a joint custody, no-fault state. I am using the evidence to pressure STBX to certain terms. He can't afford to have his story leak out anywhere -not in this town. I don't have anything to indicate that he's ever done anything in front of the children, or kiddie porn, or anything like that. I do have fetish activity, but I don't think that's much more shocking these days than prostitutes. (Esp. when everyone I know is reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and you have judges who like to engage in S&M sex in their own free time.) Plus with prostitutes, you can prove that he spent family assets/money on his addiction. Unfortunately, I don't have any money trail, which always disappoints the lawyers.

Just two short years ago, STBX would have done anything to make amends to me and his children (whether he felt true remorse or empathy is another thing entirely). Our first D-Day in 2005 was followed by years of therapy of every sort, accountability checks, apologies, etc. When he was not acting out, he was still completely likable, fun, relatively responsible - an all-around "normal nice guy" and good, devoted father.

I don't know what's wrong with him exactly, or how he had such a fast decline into what I can only describe as mental illness. But he's not the only one that this has happened to. If the SA goes on, these guys all seem to lose everything by the end. So just in case, I'm glad you're keeping the evidence.

I guess I'm one of the cautionary tales here. It sucks; I wish I didn't end up here.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought life would get "easier" once he was out of my life. After the end of my marriage I had a huge challenge in saving my business. My ex went through all of my savings with his idiot routines (SA) and I was in a position of having to focus so intently on him and his "look at me" routines that I neglected my own business during our marriage. He sucked up all of my energy and I let him. And shame on me for that.

I have worked my friggin' a** off since the end of my marriage four years ago and it paid off. I saved my business. I was getting back on my feet once again and was enjoying a feeling of contentment that I hadn't had in years.

Early this past week, I learned that I will be losing my biggest client. Not to a competitor. My client loves me. But the company has been sold. Not much solace in being loved, they like my work, but now they have a new owner and I am losing my main source of income because of that. And there isn't a thing I can do about that.

So, I've had a pity party and I accept what is happening. I know what I need to do. My problem is that I'm just not feeling very good about how I look and that is affecting my self-esteem.

A combination of my age (54), a chronic health problem (RA) and the toll my ex's "insanty" took on me and the subsequent D is really starting to show on my face. I don't like it!
I look tired. I look stressed. I look older. Not that "older" is bad. But it is not a good kind of old, if you know what I mean. The camera does not lie.

I need a "boost" badly. So, I made a decision. It is going to set me back some $$$, but in an hour, I am going in for botox and juvederm injections. I never, ever, thought I would do this. But, I've seen this doctor's work and he is very good and the results are very natural.

I don't care to look 30 or 40. Because I am not anymore! I don't have an issue with being 54. I'm totally fine with it. I just want to look like a vibrant, healthy and happy 54 year old woman. So, ladies, please wish me luck and a few prayers on my new business efforts would be greatly appreciated, too!

I'll let you know how my face comes out!!!


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Lock This Topic is Locked
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.