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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "No Reason to Stay?" A thread for BS's
bestbecameworst
♀ Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhatsRight - feeling the same.

April101 - I have no kids but everything else is the SAME. We are even the same age, except my WH is 45.

I'm now too tired to do what it takes to break up, but since he hasn't worked in years and is in school, I don't really want to leave him with nothing. I just want him gone.

Maybe.

I just wish he could already have graduated so that he had his own money and I was on my own.

And yet, I really wish I'd kicked him out on D-Day. At the time, I still loved him. His guilt prevented him from helping me emotionally so over time the love died. Never thought it would, and he's truly remorseful and a better person than ever but my question is, is that a good enough reason to stay married?

bbw


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile. Planning separation.

Posts: 590 | Registered: Mar 2011
ElectricBlue
♀ Member
Member # 35110
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay because of finances, and my kids. I don't like my H. Sadly, I rarely want to be around him. It really hurts because there was a time that all I wanted was to be around him, not any more. I don't know if its the deployments/ time away and just LIFE that's changed me, or the A. Or both. In any case, I have no plans to leave. I don't know what will happen to our M in the future, though. For now, I just try not to be mean and show him how disgusted I am with him.

To TXMommy, OMG, that is my life, too. Being a military wife can really be the END of your life, can't it? Being married to someone the world sees as honorable and brave but sadly you know differently....My first DDay was just a month after yours....

(((hugs)))


I'm the BW, 3 DDays since 2010....
6/28/12, the day I finally admitted to myself that nothing I did would ever matter to him, he's just broken. So I'm gonna just let go.....

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2012
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread appears to be inactive, but maybe if I post here, others will join.

I was a little surprised at some of the reactions I had gotten upon my first post of this website. Very little support (though some) most people telling me to leave him.

In short, I have no children. We are not married. I am 26. He is 36 and we have been together about 10 years (minus some time apart).
Here is more detail in the original post:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=501156


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Schilling! I replied on your thread in General (the last reply). How are you doing today?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:52 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Silver.

I had a rough day yesterday, but I was able to talk to my therapist which sort of broke me. But it's a good thing.

I'm overwhelmed. Not only with what is going on in my relationship, but the fact I am finally starting to talk about my childhood abuse for the first time.

My partner and I are going to a couples session tomorrow, it's been a while since we went, I am hoping to have the stones to tell him he needs to commit to going AT LEAST twice a month, no matter HOW hard it is because of his work schedule, that *I* need him to make that commitment.

We will see.

I ditched my original thread, I wasn't in a place to hear the "pick up and run" comments. My apologies that I never got back to you.

How are you today?


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me reply to your comment here:

The last time he cheated was in March or April.

We lived together in 2007, 2008 and 2009. I moved out when I found some items on my computer of him seeking women out on craigslist. Things had been really up and down but got pretty bad towards the end, he was pretty mean, pushing me away.

We live separately right now because it was something I needed. I went from living with my parents to living with him when I was 20 and decided I need to live on my own. We have talked about moving in together, but it would be into the house with his mom since she is retired, we will be taking care of her and honestly, I am not really ready to take hat on.

He has showed remorse. Intense remorse. But then he slips again. Then he gets remorseful, things get better then he slips. It's our endless, annoying cycle. The remorse gives me the strength to continue.. to a point. But right now, I am just feeling worn down.

He does have a lot of work. While in a drunken state recently he told me he was abused as a child. He has never told a soul, I think a lot of this plays into his issues, has does his height (she is pretty short) and his parents and his past career (he is a former PD). He's never sought help one-on-one. We talk about it, but he is scared.

I'm just now learning how to focus on myself. My entire life has been spent trying to make everyone happy and it's transferred over into my adult relationship.

He would need to go to One on One counseling. He would need to continue couples therapy regularly. He would need to give me access to his cell phone, his emails and his facebook (and I would happily give him access to mine as well).


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has showed remorse. Intense remorse. But then he slips again. Then he gets remorseful, things get better then he slips. It's our endless, annoying cycle.

It doesn't sound like a very stable change, because it's not consistent. It's hard to feel safe, isn't it? Not knowing if his remorse will stick. In order to stick, he'll have to make consistent changes.

Have either of you read any resources on infidelity? Would he be willing to read some self-help books? A good starter book is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda J MacDonald.

He would need to go to One on One counseling. He would need to continue couples therapy regularly. He would need to give me access to his cell phone, his emails and his facebook (and I would happily give him access to mine as well).

These are some really good guidelines/requirements. Have you told him these? Is he resistant on any of them?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
powerthroughpain
♂ New Member
Member # 39165
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I worked to heal myself on my own, and as my own fog began to clear, I realized that the affair was just her ultimate stab of unkindess. When I look at our marriage without the affair, I can see a long history of bad mistakes and unkindess that I brushed aside. Her mother even validated me she she said her daughter is a soul vampire and she was worried that I wouldn't leave! There is no reason for me to stay. There are countless beautiful kind people out there.


14 years together 1 dd 3 yold
5 years married
WW dday 4/23/13 8 month ea/pa
WW in ic
Separated
No contact finally 6/3/13
Not working on r
Filing for d

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: powerthroughpain
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a read a few things, but it was years ago. I doubt he would read anything. Maybe I am wrong, but I sort of treat him with kid gloves because I don't want to rock the boat.

We had a pretty nasty therapy session. It was a lot of me crying and a lot of him not saying anything or playing the "isn't love enough" and "I thought things were going so well then you spring THIS on me" game.

And of course he was really defensive when our therapist suggested he was a sex addict.

Then our therapist asked him if he wanted to continue the behavior and there was this insanely long pause, then my boyfriend said "Well, I should say yea, I'll do it for her". I took it for what it was worth and asked him to SAY the words, literally say "Yes, I want to stop cheating" and he wouldn't do it. While there was the really long pause, my only thought was "say you don't want too so I have a reason to walk".

Things aren't going well. I feel sick today.

Last night he sent me all these songs, which he does to express his emotion and they were songs about being blind sided, feeling incompetent, apologies etc. But, this is becoming not enough for me any more. He often doesn't have clarity until a couple of days after our sessions, he can't think in the moment and gets defenstive, but things do sink in.

Intellectually, I know this is good for me but being in the middle of it is killing me right now. I'm not an emotional person, but it's like the flood gates have opened and I can't keep it together.

I'm feeling like this is a really pivotal point for him and I. We will either make this work now, or never.

No, I have never asked any of these things from him, I've tried to very gingerly, but I always get push back. He says it makes him feel smothered, like a dog on a leash, that it pushes him to want to go and act out. To his credit, he does call a lot but it's not enough for me.

[This message edited by Schilling at 10:05 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

powerthroughpain,

That is a tough thing to go through. And I am sorry you had to suffer through it.

There has been a lot of unkindness and disrespect in my relationship as well, but that was years ago, he no longer belittles me or calls me names, because I started to stand up for myself and it shocked the desire right out of him.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Schilling! Not much time to comment on anything but I wanted to say I'm glad you found this thread!

I'm young too, mid-20s, married 4 years, no kids (well if furbabies count...), and I get the "RUN!!!1!!!!1!" comments as well. It's very... irritating, honestly, because I see people in HORRIBLE situations, MUCH worse than mine, and much unhealthier, who just happen to have a kid or 2, and no one tells them to run. Seems like the 2x4s are swung a little harder at us young-and-childless folks too.

I've found posting in Reconciliation will get you more reconciliation-minded replies. You get more responses in General but the folks there tend to be more on the D/S side of things.

(((((hugs)))))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mysticpenguin,

Thank you for the information. I will check out those threads.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm staying because I need closure. I need to see what's ultimately going to happen before I walk away. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if this marriage was fixable."

This made me pause. Although it's only been a week since true (hopefully haha) NC with OW, this is where I am.
But I really don't WANT to be here "wasting time".
I've spent 4 months of my life and my kids life on this pos debaucle.
I consider myself a strong person, but this has torn my life apart-never have I felt this way:
can't get out of bed, can't eat, on sleeping pills, lost 30lbs in 3 months, smoking more than a pack a day (wasn't smoking before!), not even able to cook my children a meal each day or spend valuable time with them.
This situation has totally and fully consumed my life, piece by piece.
I told WH last night that if I could send myself down each path (D or R) for a year and have them tell me "What happens??" which road is better?
I want to KNOW, I want SAFETY. I want HEALING.
Right now I haven't filed anything. I do love my husband. I love being married and having a family that's together...but it's not a safe M, it's not healing.
Sorry...ranting...


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myperfectlife,

Are you in IC?

Feeling unsafe is a scary place to be. I hope you are taking time for yourself and doing things for yourself and not just your children and your marriage.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schilling
I was in IC a few months ago and didn't like her much, I have a new IC appt next week with our MC.
I am able to get out of bed and interact, just some days I am so exhausted. I am not that type of person at all so it's been strange for me to have those feelings. I am no longer using the sleeping pills either and have slept well recently.
The food/weight thing, I am trying to not lose anymore.
One day at a time...
Sorry for the t/j.

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 2:37 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also chose to stay. Hope was my biggest ally. I am running out of hope. HE may not have had any more A's but he can't seem to let go of the one he had. If the subject comes up, he defends her, his a, everything but me.

I am back to considering a D. I just have to really think long and hard about it. so far three years has not been enough time.


Me

Posts: 799 | Registered: Apr 2010
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

myperfectlife,

How did IC go?

Dallas2,

I am currently considering giving the final ultimatum. I've written out a list of things I need from him, boundaries, transparency etc. I know all too well this won't go over well, but I NEED THIS from him if I want to truly heal and if we want to truly move on with our lives to a better future.

My gut is telling me he will choose to leave the relationship when faced with such change, but this is what I need to do for myself, as scary as it is.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
3Xthefool
♂ Member
Member # 40113
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I stay?

I know exactly why I stay: to put it bluntly.....fear

1. Fear of never being able to be a father because at the age of 48 I'm too old now to date any woman young enough to be interested in having kids. (WW is 39 and still expresses that she wants to have children but time is running out.)

2. Fear of being on my own and finally realizing that I stand no chance of ever finding love again. Even in the best of situations it is so damn hard to find someone compatible and who finds you compatible as well. And even if you do find someone, chances are that the slightest hiccup or bump in the road will cause them to end it and put me back at square one and still trying to find someone.

3. Lastly, fear that I am unworthy of being loved by anyone. Right now my self esteem is non-existent and my belief is that I am now an unattractive, out-of-shape old geezer even after spending the last 10months working out at the gym and working on self improvement. My WW expresses how I've gotten to be an "Abercrombie & Fitch" type physique.....but I put that in the same bucket as all her lies and secrets and assume its all a bunch of hooey. Because if I'm so damn attractive, why did she still have to get her "fix" with OM the first chance she had when I was away for work?

sorry for ranting.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
madsadalone
♀ Member
Member # 39201
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fear for me as well.


Me: BS 46
Him:WH 54
M: 26 yrs
DD 4/29/13
3 kids (25,23,22)

"The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that
they have a greater capacity to diminish us than
exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation


Posts: 80 | Registered: May 2013
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3Xthefool,

I feel the same way and I will agree that a lot of it is fear.

For me, it is also fear of giving up. I've never given up on anything.

My dad was also a cheater, and my mom left him. As an adult, I fear and see the pain in him for his blindness and mistakes. I see a lot of my father in my partner (cliche) and I have stupid hope that my partner will Wake Up and realize things before it's too late.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Topic Posts: 99
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