I thought we were reconciled, what a dreamer I was. WH weapon of choice are internet EA. They still hurt, and it's not just that, but how he treats me. I used to feel bad because he had a stroke and I wanted to blame part of it on that. The truth is, the stroke just allowed me to catch him quicker this time.
When I graduate school and get back to work, I'm GONE. I also have lots of health issues. They were in remission until WH's stroke. Now I'm a total mess. I can't walk without a walker, if I have to go too far I have to use a wheel chair. I hurt everywhere. And all the daily drama just keeps it going...
One more year to go.......
Hubby had a stroke 3-4-09 - working hard at recovering.
He decided to spend his days looking up old sluts on FB from years past.... Where are we now?
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Today, we are working on R and except for MOW fishing every 6-12 months things are looking up. But knowing myself and the way I heal and how long it takes for that process to happen and how ugly it is, I would not have stayed if we'd had kids. Well and MOW pretended to be pregnant after Dday, so I wouldn't have stayed if she actually were either. Alot of my anger outside of the normal A anger is the fact that FWH nearly gave my children's birthrights away - without a thought. It is a huge deal for me. When things were leaning more toward D than R in the beginning, part of what boiled my blood the most was that FWH and I would go our seperate ways and what did that say about the legacies and importance of the 3 babies we lost? So there are more than the normal issues when you're dealing with an A and some of these special circumstances. Does that make sense to anyone?
I actually take strength in the fact that I have "no reason to stay." Leaving would definitely be easier, but I chose to stay and do the work.
This^^ What La Traviata said holds so much weight with me. I have an MBA, I don't need FWH to make a living or do anything really. If we were to go our seperate ways except for the puppies, everything would be a clean break. I would move back to the midwest and FWH could suck it. Unfortunately having that attitude has hindered R sometimes, but I guess that's just the new reality of living with the aftermath of an A.
[This message edited by Thera77 at 3:06 PM, June 27th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by broken <3 at 3:04 PM, June 28th (Thursday)]
No Reason to stay??Over the last 21/2 years I have asked myself this very question. Our kids have grown and left home. s okids aren't the reason. Finacial -no I would be better off on my own. Fear - Maybe, I know this life and for the most part it's OK. I have some great moments and once in awhile they include him.
I think hope is the reason I stay. I hope for a better future. I hope we have more and more good times together and somewhere I hope he loves me like he did before, well actually more than he did before.
There was one EA at the beginning of our marriage and one ongoing PA that I know about. DDay for that one was a little over a month ago.
Since then we've been back and forth about D versus R. Sometimes I kick him out, sometimes he leaves. He always stays away for a few days and then comes home, ready for R, then we have a fight and he leaves (or I kick him out).
We had one MC session, then he said D and left again. Now he wants R and I just don't know. I was so unhappy when he left and I thought I wanted him to come home. Now that it's an option, I feel confused and scared that this will just keep happening if I don't take myself out of this situation.
No reason to stay, many reasons to go including very serious ones like emotional abuse and past sexual and physical abuse. When I see it written down or talk about it in IC the choice seems obvious. Then when I get back home I lose most of my desire to walk away.
Iíll try and be brief with my history.. or you can read my previous post. Iíve been married to my WH for 3 Ĺ years, together for 7 years. During our entire relationship he was very protective of his phone and email. I never had any reason to think anything, so I didnít think anything of it. December 2007 (3 months) after he proposed, he left his email open and I had a weird gut feeling, so I looked. He was corresponding with a woman regarding the ad she had posted on craigslistÖ It was basically setting up a date and time to meet up. I confronted him and he said he was bored and just having a little fun, nothing behind it. Silly me, I believed him. Over the next 5 years he grew more and more protective over his email/phone. He would wait until I left the room to put in his password, etc. Iíve discovered 7 emails/text messages over our relationship having to do with meeting up with other women/couples. The last one was (November 2011), I can only meet up during the week to do it, but trust me, and Iím your guy. Gross!! He still to this day swears nothing ever happened, I donít believe him and he knows it. I moved out in January, he was very distant and seemed over it and I was so tired of trying by myself. I missed his so much and the pain was so intense, I folded and went back home. Things didnít really change, but I pretended everything was ok and went back to my usual self. Doing everything, housework, cooking, cleaning always with a smile on my face (I work fulltime also). He became very distant again so I moved out again in May. This time, it was different, he was very sad and cried a tonÖ he said he loved me more than anything and he was going to do anything to get me back. This included counseling which he said he would never do. Iíve been in IC for close to 2 years now. I moved out for two weeks and he called me begging to meet him at counseling. I went and the counselor said I should moved back home to work on things, I said no, he needs to work a little more and she insisted. So, I did. He gave me the password to his phone and computer which is nice. With that being said, I found another email (in the trash folder) with him corresponding with another chick regarding her picture being nice and asking where she lived. This occurred while I was gone the first time. He again said nothing happened and the counselor said I need to close the past and stop digging/looking for something.
With all of that being said, Iím still having a ton on issues. He said he already feels like he ruined me and who I am as a person and heís done beating himself up all the time about what heís done and doesnít want to hear it anymore. I really donít bring it up very much and donít ask many questions. My WH is incredibly selfish and always has been. We have a 3 car garage and my nice car sits outside because all of his toys are in the garage (classic car, 6 motorcycles, dune buggy). He doesnít lift a finger around the house, but he told the counselor yesterday that I half ass things like not getting in the cornerís on the floor, not cleaning out the frig or dog bowl right. The counselor said well, you can do it yourself and he said yeah, maybe. He told the counselor he doesnít know how not to be selfish and think about other people (grew up an only child). Over the last 7 sessions, she has said he needs to put me on a pedestal and treat me like a princess and put me and my feelings first. She said leave her a note, card or send her flowers. She told me if there is something nice I can do for him, I need to bring it to his attention since he doesnít know. So, I asked him to get me a manicure and pedicure (I had my own money for it and had just bought him very expensive protein he has been waiting). He asked me where all of my money was going, I about died when he said that. In the 7 years weíve been together, Iíve never asked him for even a dollar. I explained to him I had the money, but that would be a nice way of showing he appreciated everything I did. He then proceeded to ask me how much my last paycheck was and where it all went. Fatherís day had just past and I had decided to buy my dad (who is so amazing and supportive) a treadmill, his old one was 10 years old and could only run 15min a time. He LOVED IT!! My WH, said so youíre asking me to pay for your nails so you can continue to buy other people treadmills. I started to cry and told him, you just donít get it. He said, yeah I do, I took you to dinner last week. So in the last 2 months, he hasnít done anything just for me.
He is being nicer to me. Heís always been my best friend and makes me laugh, but I donít feel special and other than our first year of dating, I donít think I have in a while. Iím not only dealing with trust issues, Iím dealing with someone who shows no empathy and is completely selfish. Iím struggling because I think I know I would be so much happier without him and Iíve given him plenty of chances to change. He always tells the counselor, why should I put forth the effort when sheís on the fence about me? I keep thinking what if he changes. I also know leaving him will completely devastate him and I feel guilty about hurting him/making him sad. I feel sick and itís hard to function some days.
Sorry this was so longÖ I just kept rambling, I donít Know, maybe I just needed to vent. Any advice or words would be greatly appreciated!!
I stay because for over five years, I have loved this man the same as if he were my husband, and despite what I always thought, my love didn't diminish at the discovery of infidelity. I see the remorse in his eyes and the effort to change his ways, and I know I would regret not giving this relationship a sincere chance at not only surviving, but thriving.
Life is never what we planned it to be.
He certainly was emotionally abusive, starting arguments, very cold and withdrawn. He says he stayed for our daughter, and for the times when I gave him a lot of emotional support (which was often, in all honesty...). He's like a sunflower, and turns toward whoever gives him the most attention.
So now, after learning about his +/- 2 year affair, both ONS and then the EA before and after--where he dragged both my personal life and our daughter's issues into the interminable convo with his mistress (he wouldn't know a boundary if it bit him in the ass), I can't decide if I should stay or not.
6 years ago it would have been easy: I still had a functioning career, was way thinner, had some of my mom's inheritance to fall back on.... now that he's manipulated me into giving all that up by his lies and my own gullibility , love for him, and desire to make it work, I'm at and age/stage where starting over will be really hard.
My older sister just went through this a few years ago, when her cheating husband dumped her, and then she got laid off. She can't find work, is nearing 60--she's getting desperate, and that's going to be me in a few years.
Do I have to live with a lying cheating bastard just to survive?
I've begun to cut myself with a razor to relieve stress (bad, I know--is there a thread for that?). I'm seeking a psych day program to relieve some of the stress and try to super-glue some of my disintegrating personality back together.
But part of the stress is not being able to figure out if I should stay or give up on the man. My sister said, "I knew I would either leave or die". I don't want to get to that point, but I honestly feel like I'm getting close. Yet I want to protect my daughter.
[This message edited by sevensisterhood at 8:29 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]
My story (abridged): I found out in March of 2011 that my husband was having two online affairs with other women. One of the affairs had lasted for awhile. I immediately was ready to bail. We had only been married for about 8 months. He begged me to stay, and I said the only way was if we attended marriage counseling, and we did. After marriage counseling, things seemed to get better, way better. I finally felt safe, and secure. Fast forward to July of this year, and I find out that he started back up with one of the women for about 2 months. We had been in therapy the entire time, but then when this happens, he admits that it's hard for him to stop, and that he can't stop looking at porn. He is diagnosed with sex addiction, and thus my our new battle has begun. He is now in therapy with a CSAT and in a 12-step. So far, everything seems to be going right, and he is very committed to recovery. So I have to see where this goes. If he can't kick the addiction, I'm out (I know this is a life long commitment.) But for right now, I have to stay.
I have forgiven the infidelity, but I have not forgiven the fact that he did not consider me worthy of the "trouble" to go through the healing process.
I hadn't considered that this might be a big part of my problems with healing. It never even crossed my mind. Thanks for the insight.
It's hard to make a decision when you're too tired to hold on and too in love to let go. ~ unknown
But I didn't I stood hard and fought for him and I won.
But did I really or did I just wear her down.
Time will tell right now he's beginning to work harder.
No kids I would not have done this to myself.
I did it for them.
Leaving a bad marriage without trying to repair it first is like buying high and selling low. Better to see how good you can make it, then look at it and ask: is this good enough? --From Dr. Glass from the Healing Library
That's where I'm at right now.
A friend of mine called me one day when I was really just ready to leave. Another friend of hers was divorced, because of a cheating spouse. This other friend just found out that her boyfriend's son was molesting her daughter. If I were to leave I would lose all control over who wh lets around my kids. That's enough for me.
But I do have a plan. The day after our 3month old leaves for college I'm done. I can put away a whole lot of money in that time, and a relative has agreed to open an account in her name so wh doesn't know about it. One small step at a time.
Can anyone else relate to this statement? After three months of job and apt hunting without submitting a single resume or application, I am beginning to conclude that I donít really want to move out or get a real job. Lately, I have been thinking it may be in my financial best interest to forgive my WH, and that thought is like a spiked stake twisting in my gut.
The facts: We live in a no fault state. We have no kids together. We share no marital property. And weíve been married less than 7 yearsóin legalese, a ďshort-term marriage.Ē That means if I file for divorce, Iím looking at temporary alimony at best.
I am one of those over-educated, underemployed types. I would love to move out and get my own place, but I can barely afford to rent a studio on my current part-time wages. I would like to find full-time work that excites me, but also pays a decent salary. I am anxious about statistics that show how divorce negatively affects womenís finances in the long term, while their ex-husbandsí salaries continue to increase. Fear. Resentment. Laziness. Exhaustion. Paralysis of indecision.
Have I been living in a bubble for too long? Do I lack the ambition to start all over? Am I just getting too old to put up with the bullsh*t from both marriage and the workplace? What is the third option?
I love the waterfront house we are renting and my little-nothing jobówhy should I have to give up my comfort and security just because WH couldnít keep his d*ck in his pants?
I need help figuring out how I can make it okay for me to stay and not feel like Iím betraying myself. . .
Thank you for this thread!