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User Topic: "No Reason to Stay?" A thread for BS's
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Often advice given to those who are unmarried, or young, or childless does not account for the fact you may have your own reasons for staying and need to be able to talk about your options. This is a thread for BS's who need a safe place to talk without being told to "RUN!!".

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Exit Wounds
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Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this thread. I kind of belong in here. I stayed with my WH even after he got someone pregnant. Truth is I would STILL be with him, but he decided to leave US. I stayed for my kids sakes and I support anyone who chooses that or any other reason to stay.
He eventually just walked away from US. But truth is, I would have let him stay with us, until my kids are older and out of the house....

I understand...

Exit Wounds


Posts: 2474 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...
Hopin2Heal
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Member # 34275
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for this thread. I belong here for sure. I'm married to a (reformed?) serial cheater.



Posts: 182 | Registered: Dec 2011
hopefulfutur
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Member # 34964
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no reason to stay, but i do. I was always a strong willed person, if a guy did one thing wrong I wouldn't tolerate it and move on.
Then I became friends with this guy. He was smart and made me laugh. We got along well together. And the sex was amazing.
We finally decided to move into together and that's when I found out the real him.

But even after all of the many lies he's told me (has still yet to admit anything I haven't found) I still don't know why I stay. We don't have children together, separate but not together, and I'm set financially, and it's my house. But I love him. I keep hoping that it will eventually be great, we will be the family I want us to be and he will be him without the porn and looking at other women.
I don't know how to make this better.


DDay 9/30/11
DDay 3/13/12
Separated 11/10/2012

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
get-a-brain
♀ Member
Member # 35295
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been a stay at home mom For 13 years. I have Chrones disease that requires a treatment with Remicade that costs $12000 every 8 weeks (no that wasn't a typo). I never went back to finish my degree after my 3rd child. I enrolled again after d-day. My h is a SA in denial. I have PTSD and in general my life is a mess. My plan at this point is to finish my masters within the next five years and then evaluate where my life is headed. I am angry at myself that I allowed myself to end up in this situation. I should have been working on my degree all these years.
It is really the health issue that i
worry about being able to


Read Why Your Spouses Infidelity Isn't Your Fault
http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
nordicbabe
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Member # 35419
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting thread. It's been 6 months since dday and it was only last night where I thought maybe I had reached the place where my head and my heart were in sync, meaning that my head told me he's a serial cheating asshole, while my heart loves him and years for him.

Now I realize that I love him and yup, I'd take him back if he got into therapy. I have no idea if that will ever happen so I'm getting on with me, but still no one has filed, although I'm getting close.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: Apr 2012
tounne
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Member # 20553
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this thread mods.

When I first came to SI I was 22. My X and I weren't married, and we didn't have kids. Hell, we didn't even live together.

I know the members meant well, but I was often told I had "no reason to stay" and to just "run".

But I was in love and I wasn't ready to give up. It made me feel a bit alone when I couldn't find anyone in my situation. Of course, everyone wound up being right, and I'm glad I finally DID run! But that isn't everyone's solution and everyone here deserves a place they can talk to someone who's BTDT.


Me - 27
Him - Irrelevant
Tried to fix him, then realized he wasn't worth fixing.

Posts: 1641 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
WhatsRight
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Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 6 years since my husband's infidelity, nd 5 years since I found out.

I continue to suffer every day because of this. When I first found out, my husband said, "I'll go." He said this not that he wanted to leave, but in an effort to accept consequences for his actions.

I don't know why, but from the first I wanted to stay together and work together to heal - heal him, heal me, and heal the marriage.

Sadly, it hasn't turned out to be so healing. My husband answered my questions for a while, but then started getting upset with my continuing questions.

We have tried counceling, reading books together, Retrouvaille, etc. He says he doesn't want to talk about it any more or do any of those things because "none of it has helped".

He feels worse than horrible for what he did. He has told me on more than one occasion, when I have told him that I forgive him, that he hasn't forgiven himself. I think that discussing it - working through it - is like pouring alcohol into a wound. It brings up the shame and guilt for him. But NOT dealing with it causes me equal or worse pain. And yet...he wins...we don't deal with it.

He says it is in the past, and we should move on and try to be happy.

And so, we are mostly kind and respectful to each other, try to be good parents, and continue with our lives.

I do not believe he has cheated again, but we certainly do not have the connection that a marriage should have.

I have forgiven the infidelity, but I have not forgiven the fact that he did not consider me worthy of the "trouble" to go through the healing process. And I will not forgive that until he is willing - because every day it is in the present...his unwillingness to help.

I have noticed lately that my pain doesn't seem to be quite as sharp and deep as it was. I don't feel this is because I am getting better. I feel it is because I have detached in order to survive. (Learned something truly destructive from my husband.)

Now, I'm not sure I even totally want to bring the monster out in the open again - because I fear my muffled pain will be unbearable again.

And yet, as with all of you, I stay. I think it is 1. a little bit of hope - sad, I know - 2. a sense of wanting stability for our children, and 3. a whole lot of - "marriage is a sacrament, and you just don't cut and run" kind of belief of mine.

I also want to thank SI for providing this thread. So often I find myself in the position of not really being in the same place as some who are frantically investigating, or who want revenge, or will not tolerate this or that.

I am not judging their feelings, I am just not in the same place at this time.

Limbo. Settling. Accepting less than I deserve. All "bad words" to me, and yet - here I still am.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
always-hope
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Member # 27814
Helpless  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He feels worse than horrible for what he did. He has told me on more than one occasion, when I have told him that I forgive him, that he hasn't forgiven himself. I think that discussing it - working through it - is like pouring alcohol into a wound. It brings up the shame and guilt for him. But NOT dealing with it causes me equal or worse pain. And yet...he wins...we don't deal with it.

I know that my WH feels bad about his A's. He has said to me "I can't handle what I did." My response (that I know was not helpful) "You handled it great the weekend you were with her". (the LT/EA/PA/SOW)

The EA's have been forgiven, because I know they were not romantic/bonding type relationships. Not there yet on the LT/EA/PA(even though it was not romantic). Maybe the PA part is a dealbreaker for me & I am denying that?

WH is unremorseful, okay when I am in a good mood. Responds to me when I initiate, when I make the first move. (which is a huge trigger since OW made the moves to initiate sex) He is also defensive, sarcastic & downright evil(called me by OW's name on purpose) when I am in a bad mood, down, bitchy or bring up the A. He has not followed through on the timeline, IC for him, MC for us, has read one book, registered but never posted on SI.(makes nasty comments about SI) He basically has not done much work to make the M better, help me, the M or himself heal. I do not trust him, he has not earned that back. He has also not earned the place he held in my heart back.

When I asked him what marriage ment to him post-A he said he wants to move forward & have fun...

I start to do the 180 & then I think back to when he was in the LTEA. I was living my life taking care of the kids, had my own friends & interests. WH was nasty to me. (telling me everything was my fault, I was broken, I needed IC) All the while in the LTEA & ramping it up, making plans to leave us. (with OW's encouragement, that he needs to do what makes him happy) When he made his plans to leave, he & OW then planned to spend a weekend together for a HS reunion. I have the fear now that if I 180 hard WH will do it again. I know that I cannot live my life in fear that he will cheat again. I couldn't have stopped him last time, I opposed him talking to OW when I found out(2005) and it still turned to a PA. If WH wants to cheat again he will. What boggles me is that he wants to rug-sweep & gets mad that I won't let that happen. I will keep the A in the forefront until he deals with it. Maybe I go about it the wrong way.

I have had people ask me why I stay, I don't know anymore.


This is where I sit now. Frozen in limbo, motionless in fear.

Gotta go to work now, thanks for listening.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
WhatsRight
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Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alwayshope...

I don't mean to discount the rest of your post, but...

(called me by OW's name on purpose)

I am just so very sorry for the pain this must have caused you. Oh my goodness!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
capri
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Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have forgiven the infidelity, but I have not forgiven the fact that he did not consider me worthy of the "trouble" to go through the healing process.

I think this was key for me, too, along with a few other 'final straws.' But I figured if he forced me to heal all by myself, if I was strong enough to heal by myself, what in the world did I need him for?

I stumbled across this thread, I guess I don't really belong here, because I did finally file. But I didn't do it until probably 8 or 9 years after I found the first secret e-mail, and probably 6 after I finally decided to dig and find out what he was really up to. (For a long time, I figured the secret e-mail was just about talking to his sister, who had caused a lot of trouble in our marriage--although of course in retrospect, I suspect a lot of that was really NOT her causing trouble, but him once again spinning the story, not telling me the truth about why she said and did the thigns she did.)

Annnnnyway...I did stay longer than most people thought I should. I stayed for kids, for finances, to make sure an immature, drinking, partying 22yo skank was not going to hurt my children by playing step-mommy; to give myself time to heal (I consider it dealing with one thing at a time--I figured it was easier to go to counseling and work on healing with his full time income coming in rather than dealing with healing AND financial disaster at the same time.) I stayed to give him every possible chance to come clean and change his ways, so I would never have any regrets. I worked on preparing a future for myself in case he chose not to clean up his act. I'm sure there were more reasons, too, but the specifics don't change the point: I stayed for many reasons, for longer than people thought I should.

The end result is, I'm making a smooth transition to single parenthood in much better circumstances than I would have had I filed immediately (although a part of me still wishes he'd been hit hard and fast with consequences).

I'm also 100% at peace with my decision, and for a devout Catholic/champion second-guesser self-doubter who's just torn apart a large family and has my own parents bad-mouthing me for it--that's saying a lot.

We all have or had our reasons for staying. People may not have agreed with mine and I may not agree with some others, but one thing some people did say here that helped me was reminders to others that we can all only act in our own time, when we're ready to.

[This message edited by capri at 11:36 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
MyReturn2Me
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Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will post here later but this thread was linked from another one and MAN-O-MAN do I belong here.

I'm a SAHM with a hobby business, 2 teens, I'm a college student, and my cake eating husband travels/fucks all over the country.

He says he hasn't had sex with anyone since his 50th birthday, St. Patricks Day, 2009. I say he's a LIAR!


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
beautifulmess7
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Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopefulfutur - My story is very similar to yours. I am also a very strong woman who always said I would leave someone who cheated on me. I was attracted to him intially because of his great personality, his witty humor, and the way he could get me to open up like no other person had before.

I wasn't married to my H when I he first cheated on me. We had been together a little over a year at the time. I still can't quite explain what made me stay and give him another shot... He had moved in with me, but not too much before the affair (about 2-4 months), I owned my home, I was (and still am) financially independant (I earn more than him), and we don't have any kids. But I felt there was something there to hold onto.

Now a few years down the line I have found out about multiple lies and discovered that he is an SA. But I'm still here. Many people would probably tell me to run, to move on, that I'm still young enough to start again with someone else. But we have a lot together and we connect and complete each other in so many ways. And now he is in true recovery and dedicated to making himself a better person. I'm still in this as long as he is willing to try and give our marriage the effort it deserves.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
La Traviata
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Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. I belong here!

29, married 3 years, no kids.

I actually take strength in the fact that I have "no reason to stay." Leaving would definitely be easier, but I chose to stay and do the work. I told WH as much, too.

My favorite response to people who start bashing WH or telling me I should leave: "That's not helping."

(I have to say that a lot )


edit: I'm sorry- I'm a "madhatter" (stupid ONS while we were dating.) Am I allowed to post here? If not let me know and I'll take it down!

[This message edited by La Traviata at 10:32 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
tounne
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Member # 20553
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((La Traviata))) I dunno if you're allowed to post here or not, but it doesn't bother me so I'll reply.

It seems so easy for people to tell us to just go if we have no kids or whatever. But the way I see it is if they're ONLY staying because of kids, etc. then they are exhausting and draining themselves for someone they don't even love???

I think love is the MOST IMPORTANT reason to stay. In my case, I did end up having to run, but there was a time when that's not where I was. It's nice to have others in our shoes we can relate to.


Me - 27
Him - Irrelevant
Tried to fix him, then realized he wasn't worth fixing.

Posts: 1641 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Canada
MyReturn2Me
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Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 17th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri my story is a lot like yours except my stbxh doesn't have one OW but engages in ONS with women he meets in bars, while on the road.

He swears he hasn't done it since 2009 but I don't believe him.

I am a college student and am almost finished with my degree. I too am thinking bout the financial ramifications of all of this and I am proceeding with a plan.

Fortunately, or not, he has taken a corner of my sewing studio as his "dog house", which sits in a large spare room in his mother house. Oh, did I mention the mother fucker is right next door!

Otherwise, I'm lining it up, getting myself mentally and physically healthy, educating myself so that when I break out of this gilded cage, I never have to look back!


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 18th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's only one ONS, actual physical sex, that I know of, for sure. There were plenty of emotional affairs and inappropriate relationships, and I have reason to suspect he slept with more than just the one--stories over the years that were off, long unexplained absences, etc.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
introspect
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Member # 34040
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 19th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually take strength in the fact that I have "no reason to stay." Leaving would definitely be easier, but I chose to stay and do the work. I told WH as much, too.

Absolutely agree. It's important that WH chose to stay and do the work as well. In my situation, we're both absolutely capable of leaving and starting fresh. We chose us. And in making that choice neither of us was pressured by an external "have to" or "we should stay for . . .". Instead we both know that the other chose to do the work because they wanted to

I get very upset when BS's who don't have kids or aren't married are told to run. It feels as though people are saying that only a ring or only a baby makes a relationship real. Truly, every relationship is unique. every situation Is unique. Only you know what's worth working for and what your deal breakers are.


Me: BW, 34
Him: WS, 39
D-day June 15, 2011

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2011
moonchild53
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Member # 26620
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say thank you for this thread, I'm an unmarried BS who has been told to run as well, but I love my SO, it's not always so easy to just leave when your heart is so invested. I'm happy there is a safe place to go to vent.

Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2009
moonchild53
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Member # 26620
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get very upset when BS's who don't have kids or aren't married are told to run. It feels as though people are saying that only a ring or only a baby makes a relationship real. Truly, every relationship is unique. every situation Is unique. Only you know what's worth working for and what your deal breakers are

Amen!


Posts: 187 | Registered: Dec 2009
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