You tried, you did your best, you tried to reconcile after finding out about her betrayal.
You tried to stay for the kids.
You can't save your marriage by yourself.
You need to think about yourself and your psychological well being.
Life is too short to feel miserable and unhappy all the time.
It sounds like you have a good plan in place.
welcome to the LTA forum.
All of us here are in different stages but all of us have suffered through the shock and heartbreak of finding out that our WS had been involved in long term affairs.
In my case my husband had a 5 yr LTA with a married co-worker.
I am 5 and 1/2 yrs post d-day and we are reconciled.
It is possible to reconcile after d-day but it is a long journey and an emotional roller coaster.
The LTAers know what you are going through.
We're here to offer any help or advice that we can.
When I look at pictures of fwh from that time, his eyes are so dark, almost dead. The true windows into the soul, right?
We just had some family pictures done. One of the poses is the three of us together, with DS sitting on fWH's knee and me behind. She snapped the picture when we were all smiling naturally, and it is a great photo. We all look very relaxed and happy. I have a similar photo from when DS was 18 months old, in almost the same position, and I look resigned, but fWH just looks dead from the neck up. I hate that picture, which is sitting on my grandma's table, and can't wait to replace it for her tomorrow.
ats, I am sorry you're where you are. I know you've tried, and it does seem like your WW has given up. But what is sad is that she seems to have given up on herself! I know when fWH was in that "poor me, I suck" stage it was when I was least comfortable, but thankfully he didn't stay there.
whytellmenow, welcome here. I agree that it sounds very positive that the A ended on its own, if your WH has been honest with you. People do reconcile afteer LTAs, though I think it can be really hard because many times it seems we can't really get all the "facts" that we need to really heal. Are you in any kind of IC or MC? I also don't talk to people about it, since only my family knows and they are either not interested in talking about it or wanting to rugsweep it as much as possible.
It will be ok. We're here for you.
Miracle: Good to see you!! We missed you and hope you are doing well.
Dip - I have to agree with M its bacon time!!
Miracle, Honest & Nell - lovely ladies - so good to hear to from you.
NJ - so much wisdom.
finally M - you know the drill - take care of this little one.
Take care Tribe
He never took OW anywhere, never bought her anything, it was just sex. Usually in his truck. Twice at her apt. and yes, once in our home, not in our bed, in the floor of our den.
This is there perspective.
Your H did quit on his own which is good. Still he needs to understand the trauma he has caused and attempt to make amends. I hope it all gets better and you find peace.
Yes, it makes one cringe.
OM did not take my WW anywhere either except for the hotels. And yes, they had "just sex" in his car too. And the WS has a different code of honor: they will betray their spouse, bting an AP into your home, just have sex but will not tarnish the bed they sleep in next to you.
I screwed up!
no answers really, just wanted to say I am in a wheel spinning situation just like you as it pertains to the 'whys'. so i can comiserate.
in fact, my WW is so great now that if there were no A to digest, I would have the best M ever!!! OH WELL.
My WW is not as reflective as me and it takes a LONG time for her to process things. Over the weekend, out of the blue, she offered some opinion related to the 'whys' based on something I said a week ago...
She thinks about things differently and over a longer time. She whittles on the log, whereas I would just use a chainsaw...
So its ok to be impatient...but your WH may be doing the best he can at the current time.
I have seen your posts and have been meaning to ask you: how have you been coping with the memories issue?
The duration of the A and all the thing we did together, times where she could have come to me and said something, anything, hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. not good. actually really not good.
Yes he has been a model H since 8/15...the end of TT (I think!!) He helps more than ever, expresses his love more than ever and is thoughtful when it comes to triggers. But, reality is setting in for me and I feel like I just need more.
I have come to believe that my H's 8 year LTA with a woman who he regularly brought into our lives and our home, someone who he encouraged me to befriend, reveals a serious character flaw and this is something to this day I struggle with. My H did not suffer from some childhood abuse, did not have a problem with alcohol and does not have some undiagnosed condition to help me explain (and feel some compassion for) his behavior all those years. His decision to engage in this behavior and betray the trust and love I gave freely to him is because of a "sense of entitlement" that he agrees he felt regarding his infidelity. He admitted that his father told him often that he "should get as much (sex) as he wanted whenever he wanted it" and this is the attitude he carried into our M.
I guess my question to you is, "Could this be what you are struggling with?" We need to find the answers to the WHY and HOW could they do this but sometimes it really does just come down to character. Once we see our FWS's true character, at least for me, I had to ask myself, Can I really love a man whose character is so flawed?
In truth, even though my FWH has worked so hard and fairly consistently (there have been slip-ups) to prove he does love me and wants this M, I cannot seem to forget what he was capable of and this continues to hold me back from fully moving on.
Just the other day he told me a blatant lie and admitted it when I called him on it. This single incident immediately sent me back and I could physically feel myself shutting him out (and just 2 days earlier we had a very satisfying morning together).
I don't want to discourage anyone from really working on a M when their FWS is working so hard to reconcile but I do think we also need to ask ourselves, How has this changed me? How has this changed how I see my S and can I reconcile for myself what I now know about him/her? Can I really love this person who has shown himself/herself to be so flawed? At what point do I see my S as someone worthy of my trust and my love?
After the counseling session from hell, he agreed to stop seeing that therapist, but is refusing to find another one. Told me last night that he thinks it's all a waste of time because no one can teach him empathy and either I take him or leave him as he is. Broken, and unwilling to fix himself.
Did I just waste the last 15 months?
Told me last night that he thinks it's all a waste of time because no one can teach him empathy and either I take him or leave him as he is. Broken, and unwilling to fix himself.
Your call, but do you want him as he is? FWW was improving, but when she hit the stopping point where she essentially said the same things to me "this is who I am, I am a lump, I cannot be who you want", I decided I wanted more and asked her to move out as a preperation for D.
Depends what yuou did with them. If you have been working on you (feelings, finances, personal habits, fitness)to be a better and healthier person no matter what the outcome of your M, then no. If you have been cajoling your WS to be better abnd waiting for him to step up and make things OK, then yes.
It has taken me years of IC to try to process all of this.
It is so difficult.
So many conflicting thoughts.
Like MCJack's WW my FWH has become the ideal husband. Our marriage is the best it has ever been.
To someone who has never experienced a LTA that may sound great-a no brainer-of course you stay married.
Well....not so simple for me.
MY PTSD would not let me rest.
I would have triggers every single day that sent me into a tailspin and made me feel like I needed to run away from this man who was able to betray me in such a profound way!
And then-I would see the remorse and regret and all of his attempts at making amends.
He would show me love and devotion and I would think- I can do this. I should do this.
It is an emotional roller coaster.
your comments are so insightful.In my case with my husband being a functional alcoholic I knew he had character flaws but until d-day I didn't know how flawed he really was!Although, since d-day I have found out that infidelity is the next step for most alcoholics. I didn't realize that before. Now, I know.
What has helped me is that my husband has admitted to having character flaws and he has been working on himself in IC and AA since d-day.
You have to decide for yourself what you want to do with that. I joined SI and the LTA group here nearly 3 years ago. Over the last three years, a good portion of the people posting here who were trying to reconcile have gradually made the decision to divorce. Several others aren't thrilled with their marriages but have decided not to dissolve them for other reasons.
It's a two way thing. You have to get yourself in a good place, decide what you will and will not tolerate, and see whether or not your spouse is able to get to a place where he can meet your needs before you're ready to move on.
Can I accept this character flaw and still be with him? That is the question. Of course my next question is...is it possible for this flaw to exist yet for my wh to remain a faithful partner in the years to come?
I never gave cheating much thought during my marriage. My awareness is a whole bunch higher now. I am no longer Naive. That is my change. It is part of my value today.
I forgive my wife because humans are flawed. A person can make a mistake. It is the person who can see the mistake and change; Not to make the mistake over and over. This person will continue to be in my world.
We all can have this value.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:52 AM, October 24th (Wednesday)]
People can certainly change. Unfortunately, I am like you--no longer naive, no longer innocent in thinking someone I love would not be able to treat me this way. My change may seem bad, but maybe it IS a good thing...it opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't happy in my marriage. WH certainly wasn't feeling appreciated, but mostly we were like 2 ships passing in the night. When we did see each other, we only talked about the essential logistics of raising our kids, didn't have or make time for anything else.
I was resolved that this is what married with kids looked like. My friends seemed to have similar situations. I thought this was normal & that being unhappy was not my right--my kids come first.
I have changed that perception & my actions. I take time for ME now. I do things for ME now. Part of what WH was missing was the ME I had let go of...what I was missing was that part too.
Whether or not our M works, I feel better about myself (most days). I still feel the shame that I let this happen. I still feel the pain, hurt, humiliation, despair, distrust, uncertainty, utter hatred, and for some twisted reason: love & compassion which adds confusion to the mix.
What was a fear of being alone & codependency in the first few months has somehow become strength to know what I want now and what I won't tolerate.
I hadn't found that until just recently & I really credit everyone here with helping me find that in myself: sharing the stories, insights, advice, hurt, pain, anger and everything else in between. Thank you for that & for helping to remind me in future months that it is true!
So, back to the point: If I can change this drastically, it is not so far off to think my WH can. I will not be so naive to believe again what my eyes, ears, and heart cannot see or feel to be the truth. If own M doesn't survive, it is not from my lack of trying & I must know that. I must hope for change in my WH, but not depend upon it. IF I depend on him to change to make me happy, I am only letting myself down & setting myself up for failure.
I know only I can make ME happy and as much as I may want him, I will only take him one way. He knows what that is & he knows this is THE chance for him to prove it. There will not be another: not now, not in 5 yeas, not in 25 years--NEVER.
But most importantly today--I am strong enough to walk away. I honestly wasn't a few weeks ago. I think he knew it & he continued with his rugsweeping crap.
Has he changed now? I believe, Yes. Is that change permanent? Damn, I hope so. Is it enough? not yet.
But there are no guarantees for any of us...I thought my vows were guarantees. I thought like all little girls--this was the fairytale.
Unfortunately, fairytales are for books. I don't want the fairytale--no one works in the fairytale & everyone has nannies to take care of the kids or there aren't any kids. That isn't real.
If I can get through this, if we can get through this together, truly committed & "fixed", there is nothing I would rather do.
I guess this is what MC & IC mean when they have told me: there are no guarantees. There never were any guarantees. You have to make the choice to trust again. It doesn't mean you forgive or forget or even that you like it, but you have to start somewhere...it may not be with your WH, but at some point for future relationships, you have to make that choice.
I am choosing to believe he can change, but I am not ready to trust that he has. Do I want to get there? yes
But do I need it? No, I don't need that anymore. I can & will be fine on my own.
Seriously, what's a reasonable timeline, given that I seem to have a truly remorseful spouse who's doing all the right things? Posted elsewhere today that I'm lost in a bog right now. My brain tells me that things are as good as can be expected, my heart tells me to go crawl in a little dark hole and come out later.