A little background first. I had been abused physically my whole life until I met my husband. I fell inlove with him because he had a beautiful heart. I trust very few people but I trusted him completely. Hell, everyone does. I always told people I knew he was the one person who would never hurt me physically or mentally. I felt safe with him for the first time in my life.
We had no issues and I do mean none in our life. Both have good paying jobs, spend lots of time together, talk, had sex. I had no freaking clue until four days before d-day.
That made me think something was up. I had surgery that day so it took a few days to really start looking. He went to the store and I checked his browser. There is was.
He admitted to it. Said she kept threatning to tell me. I saw emails so I know that part is true. It lasted a year and a half...how do you live two seperate lives for that long??? I know some of yours did it longer but I can't wrap my mind around it. He had the balls to cheat on me but not to just tell me ?? That still ticks me off.
He threw her under the bus. Changed his phone number. Closed emails and IM's. She can not get hold of him. He does everything I ask.
I know he will not go back to her. He said it was a MLC..boo fing hoo. I can check where he is at all times. GPS on his phone, keyloggers on computers, etc. I used to do it all day long, check and check. Now I do it once a month.
Now to my question :) I am scared all the time. That he will cheat again. That I will be made a fool of for months. I feel so stupid. He was not even that clever. I never looked at bills or our bank statements. One look and it was all there. How do you stop being scared so you can live again normally?
Said she kept threatning to tell me.
If she is gone – really gone – then you will slowly, very slowly, lose the feeling of insecurity. That’s what the fear is based on. You have lost your sense of safety within the relationship. Trust has gone out of the window. Your fWH will have to prove every single day that the only person he wants to be with is YOU and that he is prepared to do anything that will offer you some security again.
Those who kick the AP into touch on d-day, who answer all questions, who show remorse and concern, who want to stay in the marriage, who don’t lie or hide anything, they are the ones with a decent chance at reconciliation. I struggle because my fWH kept contact for far too long, showed more concern about the MOW than me (Lord knows what he thought she might do – it could never be worse than what he did to me) and STILL lies by omission. So my sense of safety is at best 10%.
As for “reasons”. There are none. There are only excuses.
ETA - how to live normally? I can only suggest time.
WYE: chiming in a bit late:
He sat there while she picked and picked away at my soul and said nothing……..He claims he defended me after I left,
Lately I keep thinking that I just don't feel like staying married to someone who cheated on me for years and years. Not sure where that's coming from, but there you go.
Oh, and she's the Sassmaster!
I know you guys love her, but you would love her. She's just a really cool, fun and positive person.
Meanwhile, the bitch is the other side of the world. My calm for a while. I see she and her BH are still together. I hope a period of cold turkey will stop her addiction. Fingers crossed.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:32 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]
How do you stop being scared so you can live again normally?
Care about yourself much more than your marriage or your spouse.
Set your life up so it would be easy for you to be independent.
Emotionally detach from your spouse to the greatest extent possible while living with them.
Actively seek independent friendships and make notice of when others find you attractive to remind yourself that there are other fish in the sea.
Basically, get yourself to the place where you 100% don't need your spouse for anything, really, and are with them by choice and for no other reason.
How do you stop being scared so you can live again normally?
Here is what worked for me.
FWW was transparent for an extended period of time about where she was and what she was doing. If she was at an office she called from the landline instead of her cell so I could identify the location.
If she was out with friends she sent me a photo or posted one to FB.
I have access to all her accounts, even work.
She quit her service clubs where she flirted with men. She no longer meets alone with a man, even for work.
She spent time in IC to identify, own, and begin to work on her issues that led her to thinking a "fling" would be a good idea.
I did enough work in IC that my M is much less important to me than it used to be. I no longer define myself by my M. If it fails, I will move on healthy. I also have taken steps to shore up my financial situation the best I can.
What has he done to address his MLC issues? What will happen the next time he is depressed or stressed?
FWW and I have been sleeping in different rooms since August. When sex and touching are not a part of the relationship, it seems easier to not have to worry about waking a partner up or different bedtimes when sleeping in the same bed. I can go to bed when I want to and not be bothered by her playing solitary or watching the TV when she comes to bed. I do not disturb her when I get up earlier.
I again told FWW that I am not happy being non-sexual. She keeps waiting for a sexual arousal to "switch on" in her body (magical thinking), but still says she would be fine never having sex again. She confirmed that it makes her nervous if there is a chance I might initiate, so she does not want me to. In a rare moment of honesty, she said that she has not had sexual desire for me since 1995.
OTOH, she is happy with our M. We do things, and I take care of her. She is safe. We enjoy each other’s company.
I told her that I wanted the opportunity to be sexual, and that if she is not interested, I want to talk about an open M where I would be free to flirt and if the opportunity comes up, have sex with OP. Our M would stay exactly the same with the difference that sometimes when I was out for drinks or an activity it could be a "date".
She explained all of the reasons why I would not be able to find partners. She told me I would not enjoy the sex if I did find a partner. She asked me what response I wanted. Did I want her agree and give her blessing? Did I want her to be jealous and fight for me? Did I want her to say no? I told her I wanted her opinion and thoughts, which is why I asked. If I did not care what she thought, I would not have asked. She told me she thinks I am just looking for someone hot in bed so I can leave her and M that person.
D is really not a good option for us with our current economic condition, in a few years it is possible. D would certainly be trading the frying pan for the fire at least in the short term. If she is not interested in sex, I do not see why I too should be forced to not have sex. Some no strings attached flirting and fun, maybe some FWB would provide an opportunity to be a sexual being while still being the father and husband I am now and have been.
I'm just thinking out loud without any advice for you... I know you're in a tough place but this "solution" sounds like it has the very real possibility of making your situation worse (physically and spiritually).
(((((ats))))) The fact that you are even considering this just breaks my heart for you.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
Having to deal with being rejected in this way must feel awful.
All of us who have been betrayed are so fragile and easily hurt.
Meanwhile, you face this rejection every day.
IMHO This is not a marriage.
And no one would be surprised if you divorced your FWW.
your solution of looking outside the marriage (again in my opinion) would only add to the sadness and hurt for all concerned.
Why not try living separately?
You could test it out....see how difficult it would be financially etc.
Ats, it sounds as though your fWW wants simple platonic companionship. I have to agree with Nell & njgal insomuch as that is not a marriage. It is friendship. Something more of a brother/sister relationship. It seems you have both tried looking into all avenues to reignite her interest in sex. But really, the interest has to come from within. It’s not something that can be cajoled or brought out by medication (although that can be an assist), it has to be there as a spark or ember. For most women, sex is an emotional response first, a physical response to a situation second. For it to be good (for both parties, I guess), it has to be both.
You say D isn’t an option right now, so you are living separately under the same roof. If you were to find and become sexually involved with another woman, I don’t think your fWW would be happy about that. She has been a OW herself and she knows women don’t often put up with being a sometime fuck for long. So I can’t see that working AT ALL. JMHO.
She is pushing you to the brink and I don’t understand why. Is she wanting you to initiate divorce proceedings? I wonder the same as njgal – perhaps a good look at all the options to see what is financially viable and then take the best option – not necessarily the one offering the best economic one, the one offering some peace but with less money which is still enough to live without worry.
I have taken the rewritten history of our marriage document back for a second time and put it in a place where it will not be accidentally found. fWH kept it among some work papers in a box. There was too much risk that he would forget about it and take it off somewhere. Or that DS18 would come across it. The box is in full view next to his desk. I’ll decide how I’m going to tackle things over the next couple of weeks. I’m a planner! I need a back up plan too – and this time not the one that says “do/say nothing and be apathetic.”
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:06 AM, October 6th (Saturday)]
Ukgirl-Would your FWH agree to go to a MC and finally read the document there? With a third party there to moderate?
Could you just set up a time and a date and tell him to be there?
If you remember...that was how I confronted my FWH about the LTA. I took him to a therapist's office and asked him about it there.
My FWh was extremely remorseful and started making amends to me immediately after d-day (even though we were separated because I kicked him out of the house!).
Over the next 6 months I saw a real change in him.
He didn't just get sober and didn't just stop the affair...he really worked hard on trying to change himself and worked on his character flaws in AA, IC, and MC.
That was when I agreed to let him move back home.
And then it still took years for me to feel OK about my decision to R.
I'm sorry to scare you but it does take that long to 'get over' a LTA (if we ever really do).
I do feel that now... 5+ years post d-day we have built a new marriage on the wreckage of the old marriage.
What is wrong with people?
and sorry that date has now become jinxed for you...
Meanwhile, I hope you are not too out of pocket or lose out on your fishin’ and grillin’. I’m feeling mad for you. What low life.
She's back. For fucks sake. On linkedin. There she is - and she's in Australia! Gimme a fucking break!
I'm just about to go to bed (midnight), finished Facebook and a quick look on Linkedin. fuck me, there she is. Her DD got married yesterday. What's WRONG with her??
And fWH has said nothing. I'll wait and see if he says anything tomorrow after he's checked his messages. God help him if he doesn't.
I wish she was dead. I fucking hate her.
I was kind of hoping she would still be there so I could ask fWH to click on her name just to see what happens. Oh well. It could be that fWH didn’t see her name at all as she slid through the list so fast.
I was absolutely beside myself last night. fWH had gone to bed and I thought I’d just have a quick look on Facebook and his Linkedin. I looked at the people who have gone to the wedding and who have their pages more open to try and confirm when MOW comes home. And then fWH’s Linkedin. I wasn’t expecting to see her name. She must be using her phone to snoop. I feel sick for her BH. God, she must be so unhappy. Her DD’s wedding, all the family there, beautiful time, warm and sunny – and she just can’t stay away.
Driving me nuts. I need to know when they are coming home. I think I’m going to have to either get fWH to confront her and tell her to fuck off or print off the evidence and go see her BH. Don’t fancy either scenario.
why look every day?
and... in the middle of her child's wedding festivities....
what could she be looking for?
or is she hoping that he will connect with her?
I would do both!
tell her BH and then afterward...have your husband call her on speakerphone and tell her that he wants this to end now!
can you threaten with a restraining order like we have here in the states?
even if linked in doesn't qualify...you can still scare her with that....
what is wrong with these people?
but, IMHO if it were my spouse I would want to know..
[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:33 AM, October 8th (Monday)]
Just put in Robert and then my surname and for location choose UK. There are is only one with his name and a pic. Click on the name and it all comes up. But by doing it as a non-member (or not logged in), it doesn’t show on his page for “who’s viewed your profile”. So that’s why I think she logs in – to put her name in front of him. Except she doesn’t know how much he gets viewed or what membership type he has. He has the basic free one.
I don’t know why she looks so often. He is very active, so that could be it. Obsessive? I think if you are a member, you can see more in the way of activity. She managed a whole 10 days. But even then, she may have viewed and fallen through before I logged in to check. I’m not going to do my head in by checking every day. But I do get annoyed that fWH doesn’t volunteer information.
I don’t think he can connect with her – she takes herself off straight away. The only way to find out is for him to click on her name when she’s on the list and see what happens. She’s not there when I name search her and when I used the URL I had for her profile, it came up as no longer available.
I have no mobile number for her BH, the only thing I can think to do is call the house (withholding my number) and pretend I’m in a call centre making multiple cold calls if she answers. I have12 screen captures in 6wks. I do wonder how long it’s been going on.
What's wrong with her? She's just fucked up. And very unhappy.
And fWh wonders why I don’t trust him!
As for your desire for sex & exploring opportunities outside of your marriage...I know how you feel but I side with the ladies on this one. It will cause more problems/issues than it will solve.
UKGIRL ....Im sorry you have to go thru this day after day. Take care.