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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bitch has gone off to Australia. Yay! I think itís her daughterís wedding cos her half-sister is posting from there too. That means she should be gone for at least a couple of weeks. Yay! No Linkedin crap to monitor. I feel I can relax.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl-
I got all excited when I read the first few words....
I thought OW had moved to Australia!!! LOL
Oh well...at least she's gone for awhile.

Yes, Arnold Schwarzenneger wrote an autobiography and is on various talk shows plugging the book. Apparently, he does discuss the affair and OC that he had with the housekeeper!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a bit of an interview with Arnold this morning. When asked if he lied to Maria, his response?

"I guess you could say that."

WTF


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duh,

much more interesting would have been to ask: What did it feel like to have to lie to your W Maria about so much and for so long?

or

How were you able to rationalize your relationship with your AP and OC with your M relationship?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movie star turned governor of the largest state in the U.S.? Maria is probably the only person on earth who doesn't blow sunshine up his tailfeathers 100% of the time.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was triggered when I read that Maria got Arnold to go to see a therapist with her (he didn't know why) and that's where she confronted him about the OC.
I did the exact same thing.
I confronted my FWH about the MOW in a therapist's office.

Arnold said he was blindsided.

Duh, I guess he was....
just like Maria must have felt when she realized about the housekeeper and the kid!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 29th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought OW had moved to Australia!!!
I wish! Oh how I WISH!!! Nope. But a couple or three weeks will do. Hopefully the fully tanked up karma bus is out there, waiting at her stop.

I did the exact same thing.
Well, at least it put him on the spot and would have been extremely hard to lie with two pairs of eyes glaring at him and no means of escape. I just wish Iíd had an inkling, just some smidgen of doubt. I was smashed over the head with a cricket bat with WHís confession.

But back to Arnie:

What did it feel like to have to lie to your W Maria about so much and for so long?
How were you able to rationalize your relationship with your AP and OC with your M relationship?
Seeing as this could be seen as a little close to politics (is he an actor or a politician? Actually, heís not a politician anymore, but presumably still moves in political circles) Iíll just quote this, which sums it all up.

ďBut instead of doing the right thing, Iíd just put the truth in a mental compartment and locked it up where I didnít deal with it every day,Ē


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss miracle.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me, three.
I love all y'all.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too....

Been so busy I have almost no time online these days.

Last week was rough. Really bad.

His IC wanted to see us for a session together. I reluctantly agreed.

It was awful. AWFUL.

She went on and on telling me that my anger was unnecessary, that I should be "over that" by now, that my anger was going to doom any attempt at R.

THEN she told me that I needed to take a step back and evaluate my role in the A.

WTF?!?!?!

We were good. Always good. I got pregnant and some switch in him flipped. I tried to get him to see a doctor, a therapist, talk to a friend, talk to me, talk to anyone. I tried and tried. I was there for him the whole way.

He sat there while she picked and picked away at my soul and said nothing.

I finally got up and walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. He claims he defended me after I left, told her that she was dead wrong about me having any fault here. Told her that he knew my anger was and is justified, and that he needs to deal with it as a consequence of what happened.

Then he made another appt to see her again.

Am I completely off base for not being okay with this? I feel like she was defending him in there, I was the bad guy, and I was the one ruining our relationship. How could she possibly be objective with him alone if she thinks this is the way our relationship works?

He agreed to cancel the appt and find a new therapist, but I am not sure that's the best idea either. I feel so lost.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle Who?

Wye.

I think you do need to take a step back and look for a new therapist. She sounds like a WS telling you to get over it. You do not get over any of this just because someone thinks you should. I would not go back to her again.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder how long she was angry after finding out about her husband's A? What? Oh, she never went through this.... I see.

He sat there while she picked and picked away at my soul and said nothing.

<snip> He claims he defended me after I left,

Day late and dollar short. Maybe he made excuses, but I doubt defended.

((wye))

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:52 PM, October 1st (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, WYE, maybe she's sleeping with him too. That's about how bad she sounds from your description.

Call her up and tell her she's fired. And full of shit.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-

Definitely get a new therapist/MC.

Her comments are very old school.
This is what therapists used to be taught.... to focus on the future and rug sweep the affair ASAP.
And ...of course the fact that the BS somehow was the cause of the infidelity.
Not.

All of the newer research on infidelity looks at it as a very traumatic event in the life of the BS and so the therapists often treat the BS as if they are dealing with PTSD.
You do not brush trauma under the rug.And you do not blame the victim for the trauma.

Finding a good MC/IC is not easy.

If you are in Ohio, Texas, California or Michigan I can give you the names of some therapists that have written books about infidelity (using the trauma model). You can message me if that's the case.

That is not the latest


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is gray and gross here today. However, I'm thankful that it's not depressing me, only making me sleepy, LOL.

Lately I keep thinking that I just don't feel like staying married to someone who cheated on me for years and years. Not sure where that's coming from, but there you go.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately I keep thinking that I just don't feel like staying married to someone who cheated on me for years and years. Not sure where that's coming from, but there you go.

I know where it comes from for me. When I do not feel valued or appreciated. When I feel like our M is just inertia and momentum.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, ATS, that makes plenty of sense.

it's just a strange day to be feeling this way. Nothing has happened really -- in fact, WH decided this AM that he'd take over making sure the two older kids get to school on time until we move into the new place and they can ride the bus. It's too hard for me to get 4 kids that small out of the house at a particular time by myself. He finally recognized that, mostly on his own (the school finally called him instead of me to complain about them being tardy) and he wasn't angry/blaming/etc. he just recognized that it's a problem, and a normal one to have when I'm 33 weeks pregnant and in pain and having trouble sleeping and he offered a solution.

So, it's a weird thing to be thinking about today. Maybe this is just part of the damage that is done when a spouse chooses to have an LTA. The residual crud.

In happier news -- Baby Paddy was discharged from physical therapy today! So, she's 100% done with all therapies. The PT suggested I put her in a light shoe insert type orthotic indefiniately and that she take swimming lessons and play soccer.

Not so sure Princess Paddy is going to be into soccer though. Unless she can wear a tutu with her uniform.

Anyway, I'm very grateful that the OT and PT WORK. I'm amazed by it too. Her tone is still and will always be low, but she's learned how to compensate for it. She still has some sensory issues, but they're more like quirks now.

Oh, and she's the Sassmaster!
I know you guys love her, but you would love her. She's just a really cool, fun and positive person. I'm so blessed to be her Mom. And her Daddy feels the same way about her.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for Baby Paddy!!!

I get where you are with the not being sure thing m...I do. I think most of us down here do.

I love fwh, always have. Probably always will...but sometimes I just don't know.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M - Yah for Baby Paddy.
With you as her mom she cant go wrong.
Give her a hug from me


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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