Thank you for the advice...I spend a lot of time trying to find my happy place.
Nj- good for you!!! I have distanced myself from npd mom too. I feel like I can breathe again. Ahhhhh
Dip - grilled chicken with a peri peri sauce.
They know they are hurting you every single day and still continue.
Unfortunately, your WW reminds me of my FWH's MOW.
After d-day I called her BH ASAP and he told me a very sad story.
First of all...he already knew about the LTA with my husband!
But, he never told me.... he never confronted my husband...and never told his WW that he knew about the affair.
You see..this was not her first LTA. He had found out about that one 20+ yrs earlier and he did confront her then but he and she basically brushed it all under the rug.
He never exposed the infidelity to everyone, he never checked to see if the wife was telling the truth about the OM leaving the job (she wasn't).
And he never insisted that the WW go to IC and MC.
He never insisted on transparency.
IMHO there was no change at all and so....the WW continued the behavior for over 30 yrs....the affair with my husband was the last straw for this guy.
He quietly moved out of the bedroom and started planning his divorce.
They had 3 kids and he was hoping to stay in the house until the youngest graduated from college!
Even with all of her dysfunctional behavior the MOW managed to hold onto a her professional job throughout her antics.
So, he was hoping they could hold it together for the sake of the kids.
He was a very kind, caring father but...he allowed this woman to ruin his life.
And he allowed it to drag on for years longer than it should have.
He also told me about how the wife had been hiding money in secret accounts, spending money secretly- over $50,000 on the TV Home Shopping Network!
Yeah... this chick had a lot of issues...
In the end.. he couldn't hold out for as long as he had hoped. He threw in the towel because her behavior was becoming more and more blatant and he realized that it was not healthy for the kids and disastrous for him.
Just a quick update: WH got an infection and needs IV antibiotics for a MONTH!! Has to stay here. Bypass surgery is postponed. NPD doesn't want it. He wants to go back overseas before he might have to have it. Wants to see OC's before he might have to have bypass surgery.
Then proceeds to tell me that if he doesn't go overseas after the IV antibiotic treatment (at home, no less) then OW wants to come HERE so she can see him in the hospital. He says he can't stop her from coming because it's her "RIGHT". I said what about if she brings OC's with her while he's recovering here, "I can't stop them, I have to see them"
I am SEETHING.
I AM DONE.
I also can't seem to tell him that he cannot stay at home with me and the DS's while he is recovering with the IV.
Of course, I'm hearing how much he loves me blah blah blah. How much I'm an angel blah blah blah. How he loves only me, and only wants her because she's the mother of his children. That the OC's are girls and need more attention
Can you believe he even asked if OCD 9 can live with us here for a year??? I said while you are still travelling overseas and staying there for months? Yes he says. I said, why don't you send them all here while you live happily ever after with OW while you're at it?
Sorry, for the vent.
I guess anger is a great motivater.
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:20 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]
Suddenly, I had a GUT feeling.
NPD was talking about his will and what he wants to do. I mentioned about having it notarized or legalized and he seemed to be in agreement. All in all, it is fair...I guess ....giving the circumstances.
Here is where I need your feedback:
I was thinking that I should tell NPD that when he goes back overseas, I'll go with him Without our DS's fo sor a week or. (He's always been going on and and on about us going back)
I would then have whatever will he said he would do HERE, be translated and legalized THERE. I would also get whatever things I wanted (there are papers, etc that I left overseas that I wanted and NPD can't seem to find )
Then, I would come back home with the translaed and legalized will from overseas.
NPD doesn't want this bypass surgery. All the doctors feel he needs it.
He wants to see THEM OC's and OW soooo badly. He told me that OW wants to come here if he has the surgery to see him the hospital "as is her RIGHT".
Sooo, I felt that if I got the will notarized and came home and then NPD comes back to have the surgery, I would tell him, if OW comes here to visit you in ICU and/or sleeps over in the hospital for you as is her "right" , then she can continue to stay and take care of you as you recover.
I do need some input. I know I'm going crazy. I'm rereading my journals here and see that I'm saying the same thing over and over again.
Am I crazy? Probably. Because they say if you do the same thing over and over again and expect different results, then you are crazy.
Sorry for the long vent and rambling.
Love to you all.
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:06 AM, September 17th (Monday)]
Meanwhile, have you stashed any money away? I mean enough to tide you over for a year or so and for a lawyer’s retainer?
Next, OW and OC coming over. The answer is no. Honest, you really have to put your foot down on this one. No, you can’t stop her from coming over, but you do not have to have anything to do with her or OC. She is not to stay with you, nor are her children to stay with you. He cannot force his “beliefs” (they’re not beliefs, they are just convenient conventions to prop up his adultery) on you. Please honey, take a stand. Take a step back and stop being so attentive. And realise he is loving all this attention his health issues– shock horror! Potentially fatal condition! – and chance to see himself as someone even more important than he was before. You are feeding his very soul by what you are doing. He knows what this is doing to you and he is doing it because he can, because he wants the attention, because he wants two women vying for his love (and tears). He is unbelievably egotistical. The business of refusing surgery is just another example of wringing out every last drop of emotion from you all.
A thought flashed through my head. When MOW was pestering fWH before she got the NC letter, many of her texts and voicemails were littered with threats of suicide. fWH was actually concerned about these threats and thought she might do it. I was so angry at his gullibility. Of course she wasn’t going to do it!! She just wanted the attention and for him to be worried – because it was all about HER! Oh I’m so frightened I might do something stupid….. blah, blah, crap. Visualising his despair and torment at the news of her death, how he would weep at her grave. I do wonder if Me NPD is fantasising in the same sort of way. Which is quite dangerous. The boy who cried wolf.
Don’t let the anger get to you. Put out your boundaries and limits. If she comes over, he can go to her and she can take care of him. She has him 100% and you do the 180.
Please honest, take back control over YOUR life. There are times when I could slap his stupid head. I don’t like him at all. He is narcissistic, egotistic, selfish, mean, manipulative, a bully and a total head case. He doesn’t love anyone but himself. He only “loves” people who feed his ego. He doesn’t know what it is to truly love someone for who they are. They have to prove they love him. There are many, many stories about people like him and how they come undone, lose all that meant anything and bitterly regret how they have lived their lives. You can’t change him. He isn’t going to have an epiphany. You have to look after you, because he certainly isn’t.
2x4 over. Now let’s go for a drink. (((((honest)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:30 AM, September 17th (Monday)]
Rather than a will, can a trust be set up for you and your DS or a trust for each of you)? I am thinking a trust would be more like international business law, and may help with the taxes.
Duplicate wills create all kinds of legal issues, and generally the last executed invalidates everything prior. He could also change it at any time, so getting it signed literally means nothing if he'd go behind your back and change it afterwards.
You absolutely do not have to take care of him. You can say no. You sure as hell should say no if OW is planning to come and see him, particularly if all this is supposed to take place under your roof.
Put your foot down, protect yourself.
Can you believe he even asked if OCD 9 can live with us here for a year???
Yes, yes I can. He has HUGE balls.
I will save the ranting & raving, but, the bottom line is as follows:
You need to finish your business with this man asap.
It's just going from bad to worse.
You and he are legally married here. Your home is his home. Not only can you not stop him legally from coming back to the house while recovering, you also probably can't stop him from having OW and the kids stay there either. The house is just as much his as is yours in the eyes of the law. At best, you would have to call the cops and tell them it's against your will, etc.
You have to make it incredibly clear to him that if OW and/or her kids step foot in your house you will raise Hell to the point that they all will regret it. Maybe emphasize how stressful this will be - the friction between the 2 of you etc and how that will not be the best environment for his recovery either.
As to the 2 wills - not even sure what the point of that is- but you really cant have 2 original wills laying around. Try to set everything up here so that you dont need to go to court - that it becomes yours automatically = joint ownership or his name in trust for you/beneficiary, etc.
Idk - don't have time to think it all through, but this is sheer madness & I hope it drives you to the point of ending this.
1st, this post is not intended to be piling on or trying to push you in a direction you are not ready for or do not want to go. Really.
I thought some this morning about your sich, and felt like some pieces came together for me. Unfortunately, not pieces that solve any problem, but maybe cast things in a different light.
Setting aside that at times you still fee love and attraction for NPD (I understand that part)my understanding is that you have delayed on pursuing D because of finances. Money you had loaned to NPD. Not having sufficient money of your own for the needs of you and your 2 DSs and yourself for living.
So, here is the thought, if NPD were to die in the next days, weeks, or months I worry that what you fear will come to pass. I do not know his business, but if he is gone is there still income? If there is income, what keeps OW (his wife in country where business is) from claiming all of that income?
He apparently has a serious medical issue he appears to be disregarding. If he were to die, and eventually we all do, you may be left as you worry a D would leave you. I really think you need to work towards what guarantees you can while there is still blood in the turnip.
I have no idea what is right to fix this. I can envision you and your DS’s getting a portion of his business, or it going into a trust for you and them. I can envision him taking out a realitively inexpensive mortgage to pay off your house and signing it over to your or your DSs. If he is not willing to do any of these things, it should inform you as to how you and your DSs will be cared for when he is gone. He could purchase life insurance policy with you and DSs named as beneficiaries.
He has already said that the OC need him more. I worry that if he dies, the income will stop and you will be stuck.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:11 PM, September 17th (Monday)]
please... for your sake and for your sons.... take a step back and really think about what the NPD is saying and what you are considering doing.......
He made a decision a long time ago to cheat on you...he has told you that he was never faithful during your marriage.
Then he went overseas and had an affair and married another woman! Then he had a total of 3 children with her.
He allows her to live in the house that you and your children and NPD shared.
Now, that house is her's....
He comes and goes between the two households like he's some kind of prince. Expecting everyone to serve him and bow to his wishes.
He stays with you and expects you to cook and clean etc. for him but he spends much of his time on the phone talking to the OW and the OC!
Now...he wants to bring the OW here? and bring the OC too? and move them all into your house?
Please...think about how crazy this all is.
He is a master manipulator.
I would not go overseas to do anything with him.
I would not trust him at all.
He has done nothing to make you think that you could trust his word.
He mortgaged the house without telling you and now you are underwater on the house.
You gave him financial assistance when you first got married and he never talks about paying you back. He has left you in debt.
He has hidden his assets in a foreign country.
I would not trust any kind of will that he signs.
Like everyone else has said he can just turn around the next day and make out a new will and invalidate the old one.
He is an extremely cruel person. He has moved on to a new wife and family and yet wants to keep you hanging on.
He is the ultimate cake eater.
Have you looked into your options in your area in terms of support from the community if you were to leave him?
Do you really think that if you divorce him then he would stop all financial support for his sons?
I know that legally you will not be able to hold him to child support because he will be in a foreign country.
But, don't you think that he would still want to provide for his sons? even if he is angry with you for divorcing him?
I know that you would not want to be a burden to your older sons but they do love you and they love their younger brothers and I'm sure that they would be thrilled if you got the NPD out of your life.
Don't you think that they could help you while you made the transition from living in the crazy NPD house to eventually being on your own?
What about moving in with other family or friends?
I am so sorry that you are living this nightmare.
You do not deserve any of this.
Look, you can't beat this guy at his own game. It's impossible. And don't go to the Middle East. Women don't have enough legal rights there for it to be worth your while.
The only way to win his game is to refuse to play.
Actually, I must be really contrary, because I say let OW come over and take care of your husband and the household and get yourself a full time job.
Truthfully, the only way to "win" in your situation is to be completely independent, emotionally and financially.
As for all his plans, he's trying to throw you into a tizzy just tell him to calm down a d get some rest
My uncle was told the same thing years ago, that his heart condition was very serious but instead of staying in the hospital he checked himself out and the very next day dropped dead! I guess I can't help but wonder how a week after being told he needed triple bypass surgery your fucktard of a H is still breathing. Just a thought!
Honest, we get that you are not ready to leave. You have your reasons. But we are all so worried about the long-term damage all of his selfish, cruel manipulations are doing to your already wounded self-esteem. Please don't let him push you to the point of no return. We care so much for you and I think every one of us on here worries about you every day. Love yourself if not for yourself then for those wonderful sons of yours.
It's hard to know what to do when all I hear is him and then BPD mother calling all the time. She even called the hospital when we thought he was having surgery the next day and asked him if I was there so she could talk to me and get her something!!
First of all:
NPD did NOT suggest OW would come to my house. I have already told him many times that if she was anywhere near my house, I would cause a scene and call the cops (I can be VERY loud and can "Projct my voice" very well as colleague once told me
fnf: Yes, I was there everytime a doctor told NPD that he should have the operation. I was there to watch the CD of the angiogram and the doctor explaining.
I will be back later. I can't thank you guys enough!! I have to read and reread everything and will copy and paste everything.
How can I get my emotions away from all of this?
Truthfully, the only way to "win" in your situation is to be completely independent, emotionally and financially.
M3 is correct. I second that. Honest, you must desensitize yourself from what your H has done to you. He is committing suicide right now. People live for years after that surgery. That is his choice to make the decision to die. You cannot change the mind of a NPD individual. You just accept it.
You are in a very unique position.
How can I get my emotions away from all of this?
I am this kind of woman….
I am strong and will live in my situation.
I choose to only love the way I want love
I choose to be kind to my H’s other wife
I choose to embrace what has happen to me
I choose to end this kind of marriage.. ONE DAY because I want this for security.
I choose to allow my son to have a relationship with his half siblings, if he chooses.
I choose to be wise seek attorney advice on the Will
I choose courage and get all documents approved by qualified Attorney
I will make sure the Will cannot be changed without my approval
I will not cry or hurt when H dies because it is his choice to not seek advice of qualified doctors.
I will not miss him when he is gone.
I will not love him with touch
I will not love him with affirmation
I will accept he loves me only with gifts and services; this is all I want in this M.
My H is free to have, love, any other woman he wants.
I will be kind to my H.
I will be strong and correct his behavior should he do so. LEAVE the room with I will not be around this behavior.
I will not be bullied by my H. I Will let it go right through me with NO emotions.
I know one day when he is gone, I will be at peace.
I leave my fate in God’s hands.
I will be at peace even with his bad behavior.
His other relationship is what it is, I accept it as it is.
I will no longer hurt when his behavior is bad, It goes right through me.
One day, I will be free from this relationship.
I can take my own time for my own security.
This is my choice to be this woman.
You change your belief you will not have those emotions toward your H.
Mr. H, “I want other wife over here”
Honest, “I want you to make your son secure” “that means money for a home for him to live in until he is out of school” “I want access to all the cash accounts and I want sole control what is half mine”
Do not get rattled. Do not get angry. Be ready for his NPD behavior. Just let it go through you. “I don’t care”
Since you are a woman who has the belief above, this does not matter to you.
You can even befriend his OW if you WANT…. Or just be pleasant in her presents. This is forgiving OW for her trespassing on you. You can just believe, I just don’t care about your relationship with my H. One day, I will be blessed with a man who knows how to love me the way I want. Or One Day, I can be at peace just with me and my boys.
So be it.
I pray for your peace.
How can I get my emotions away from all of this? DAMN
Be your own woman. Be strong and take control. You give him way too much.
Meanwhile, in UKg’s world, we have another anniversary. It’s tomorrow. The other day, fWH said “don’t cook on Thursday, it’s our wedding anniversary. We’ll go out for dinner.” That crap again. So I shall wait until tomorrow morning, ask if he has booked anything, tell him to cancel it if he has and just do a normal Thursday night meal. DS17 has a piano lesson and then he’s off to a barn dance (thought they died out years ago, still, he might enjoy it!) so he’ll just snack. Not looking forward to it. I think fWH’s working from home for the day as well. Think I might just go out and not return until it’s time for the piano lesson. Ugh. If he had READ the document I gave him, he would KNOW why I refuse to acknowledge the day. Just a bit of a rambling moan rather than rant.
eta - oh, and MOW was lurking again at the weekend. What the fuck does she want? Sheesh.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:29 AM, September 19th (Wednesday)]
I'm guessing that she's not happy at all with her husband.
What she doesn't realize is that she would not be happy with your FWH either!
Very, very few affair partners end up together for the long term...why? because they have no idea who the affair partner is!
All they do is blow smoke up each other's butts and tell each other what they imagine the other wants to hear....
nothing about the affair is remotely like a real relationship. So, if any affair partners are dumb enough to try to get together post d-day the majority find out very quickly that it is NOTHING like what they imagined it would be like.
The kinky sex and sexting quickly falls by the wayside and is replaced with discussions about bills, medical issues, taxes, and taking out the trash on time......
anyway... enough of my ramblings on your kooky OW who insists on obsessing on a pic of your FWH.
Meanwhile, I'm sorry that you cannot enjoy your anniversary.
What would it take from your WH to be able to reclaim that day?
Could you tell him how you feel about it?
And tell him that a day devoted to MC might be the best anniversary gift for you?
A chance to sit him down and have him read your letter out loud with a third party present to bear witness to your pain and your concerns?
Maybe something like that would be the catalyst for change for the two of you?
a weekend like that?
spent together facing all of your demons once and for all?
so that you both could move forward after that and begin to enjoy life together again?
just some rambling thoughts....
[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:39 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)]
An interesting scientific discussion of the brain, its function, and ones behaviour.