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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somedaydig --

You do realize your wife wanted to get caught? She left her e-mail open with a hotel receipt from THAT DAY on it?

There are a lot of kinds of affairs, and your wife's affair just reeks of the "cry for attention" type.

Yeah, it's screwed up, but your marriage will survive it and probably thrive in the future if you want to remain in it.

As for forgiveness, it takes a huge amount of time. And even then -- for many after a while it's not the forgiveness that grates on them, it's trust.

But all that is far in the future. Don't let anyone give you speeches on forgiveness. There is no way to rush it or force it. I will say though, I read a book called How Can I Forgive You? That I really liked, because it talks about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Which is important.

I'm touched by how strong you are. Just remember, you don't HAVE to be that strong right now. If it's your nature, then God bless you. But even the strongest have tough moments. You'll heal faster if you let yourself feel them when they come. Mine usually came out of the blue -- like a sucker punch.

One more thing: I think you should ask your wife to go to counseling (individual). She does seem remoreseful and committed -- but a 5 year affair is quite a coping mechanisim to give up. She won't be able to do it alone. People just don't work like that. I know in my house, by Dday, my husband was drinking too much, sneaking illegal and prescription drugs, embroiled in his LTA and also trying to start another A with an XGF from high school. He was a MESS. And not a hot one. Not surprisingly, he was having violent outbursts as well. It was insane -- like he was 2 people. It took time, therapy, medication, some public humiliation, a bit of help from social services, a hard look at what my divorce attorney said I was entitled to, listening to me cry for hours every day for months on end, facing the very real possiblity I might now allow him to accompany me for our daughter's birth (I was pregnant on Dday), finally realizing that he was VERY close to losing his family, a few speeches from his friends about how I'm awesome and OW is a douche, etc. etc. Oh, and I think OW sunk his boat too. And I totaled his car. ACCIDENTALLY..... I mean -- I just had to grit my teeth, set back and let the consequences rain down on him. It was UGLY. Trust me. A lot of LTA can tell you that it was borderline scary it was so ugly. But, I believed deep down that the guy I fell in love with was still in there somewhere. And I think you see that in your wife too.

I'm very sorry for your wife's miscarriage. Miscarriages are heartbreaking. I've had several -- and I've also had that surgery to remove the dead fetus twice. And it is exactly an abortion. Is it possible that your wife has had an abortion in the past? Possibly following her rape? Even if not -- reproductive trauma is all harrowing and certainly a D&E following miscarriage could set you off. But tryn is right -- it's not the REASON she did this -- it was the trigger. And I know that my personal experience is that I have bipolar disorder, and my episodes with it are all hormonally related. I was diagnosed with it following my second miscarriage. I'm not saying your wife is bipolar, but she could be depressed, or anything really. A 5 year LTA is not normal behavior, and she might need medical help. I know my WH and his OW were both on AD's during the affair. Many other people I know who cheat are also being treated for some form or another of mental illness. It's a high, like any other drug, and a form of self-medication for many.

Ok. I'm rambling. But God bless you, and please know that I see a lot of good signs in your situation -- though I do think your wife could truly benefit from some professional help.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, and thanks for the birthday wishes all!

Nell -- I totally agree that it's not coincidence. My realtor even looked at me after the closing and said "It's your birthday, your house just sold and you're expecting another child. You do realize that you are very, very blessed? I knew that from the moment I met you. You are a very blessed woman. Always remember that" It was very sweet.

So, y'all will be quite proud of WH. He took the day off on my birthday to spend it with me. Took me out to lunch before the closing. Then, he planned a surprise for me the next day -- we went out that evening on a dinner cruise on the Potomac and friends met us there too! It was very thoughtful. I was touched.

I have to say that Baby Paddy's developemental delays brought us closer in a way. I think watching me work with her was very moving to him. It was so hard. At first, I spent 16 hours a week doing therapy with her -- and making it feel like fun rather than work.

Also, a close friend has obviously been having an affair (her husband knows) and talking about that has brought us closer too. Honestly, WH just cringes over it. We were talking about it one day and he said she'd better get her act together soon or she might lose everything that is important to her. He was mad too -- and concerned for her -- and sad that her husband doesn't deserve to be treated poorly. It's an important mental change.

Ok. H&c and Laura -- don't let that alzheimer's get you lost while you're going about your day today. I think you two probably just need (1) less stress and (2) more sleep. alzheimer's. humph.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M...thank you very much for your post. Your "cry for attention" comment is exactly what this was. She admitted to that need for attention shortly after Dday and truly does hold herself responsible for her betrayal.

For me...yep, its my nature to be a strong and nurturing man. I come by that honestly from my Grandfather who helped to raise me. He was an Italian immigrant who worked extremely hard for his family and had great values. I think that is what helped me, as a pilot who flew all over the world, not cross that line - though there were plenty of opportunities.

I will look up the book you noted, thank you for that, too.

As for her gang rape coming out last Friday, I haven't revisited that yet. We have an MC appointment tomorrow and hope she will bring it up on her own. I don't feel I should push that because it was so extremely painful for her to talk about. Did she have to have an abortion because of that or anything else? I do not know but I am honestly ready to hear if she did. We will get a referral for IC tomorrow from our MC.

Again, thank you for your reply.


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome. That's what we're here for. My guess is that in 2 years or so you and your wife will be just fine. Unless she does it again. Then I fear I'll be reading -- "this is Somedaydig posting from prison..." --


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there everyone. I know I haven't posted much lately...just can't. Too overwhelmed.

Mom is back in the hospital, other leg in jeopardy plus now her mental state is altered.

A year ago, today, fWH was in Vegas with OW. I'm barely holding it together right about now.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here, too worst-year-ever...but ((((hugs))) to you today.


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE - Bigs hugs for you & prayers for your mother.
Take care.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye - prayers are coming your way.

It's ironic...my H took OW to Vegas too. It still cuts me deep.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{worst-year-ever}}} for strength with everything you are experiencing esp. the anti-versary... It's all so hard to deal with (BTDT) and (((hugs))) to your mom as well.

M3... great to read your positive progress, fwH's mental changes re: A's and wise counsel for Somedaydig.

Hate to read of OWomen being taken to Vegas bt wHs. My H didn't' take OW there, he only paid for NYrsEve overnight hotel with her which he had never done for us in our 30 yr (at the time) marriage! It just plain hurts.

fwH is out of town but calls me from the office and his hotel. Right now my emotions are all over the place for several reasons and I can't decide if it's comforting or a sad reminder of past events (trigger) as he did this all through his A years.

Time to think of something else. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs all around.

XNell is doing a very good job of showing me his true colors. He is really truly broken. But he's the old COW's problem now. As long as he keeps her away from my kids, he is welcome to wallow in her muck. A point that I have made approximately seventy kabillion times in the past 38 hours.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A point that I have made approximately seventy kabillion times in the past 38 hours.

Some do tend to stick their fingers in their ears and shout "la la la la la la" when they don't like what they're hearing...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya a 2 year old!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the Vegas thing... I had a conversation with a BS and former Navy guy who said that he hates the "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" because it was exactly the phrase his brothers-in-arms would use to talk about cheating on their SOs while deployed. "What happens on the shore stays on the shore," I think was the exact wording. It's a weird kind of justification, isn't it? Specific geographical point = no consequences.

Hm. Lost my train of thought. Must be Alzwhatevers.

Nell out!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya Nell.

I pretty much hate everything about Vegas anymore. We had to go there last summer right after dday for fWH's brother's wedding and I felt nauseous the entire time.

I hate Vegas.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happens in LTA stays in LTA...

Hey! We just jumped right in and never picked a setting ...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE- Sending hugs...antiversaries are tough...
and Vegas...yep..I agree with all of you.
Hate that commercial.

Meanwhile...my FWH and the OW would meet up in Atlantic City....same thing as Vegas...
There were 2 yearly work conferences and they would get together secretly for their sick hook ups after a day of work sessions etc.with other co-workers...

all that sneaking around...
such fun for the WS...part of the attraction of the affair...
and yes... if they cando it 'away' from familiar settings it stays a fantasy.

Like those Secret Service guys in Columbia...they would say... wheels up/rings off...meaning that after the plane lifted up and the trip began..all bets were off.

Nell- Just curious....
your WH is now with the OW?
Does that mean that he never really went NC with her? even after d-day?
That does seem to be the pattern that I see on SI....if the WW/WH seems less than enthusiatic about working on the marriage and not real remorseful...it usually means the affair has not ended.
Just curious as to what happened in your case.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post...sorry

[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:50 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal,
No, he wasn't in contact with her as far as I know. He squirrelled away all her contact information so that he would have it when he needed it and called her to see if he could pick back up immediately after I said the D word, showing quite clearly that he was never 100% in the marriage. What can I say? I gave it my all and he gave it about 15%. I win.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{WYE}}}} You are in my thoughts.

Happy Birthday M3 and congratulations on the baby.

Hugs to all that are hurting.

I haven't been around much. Been in much too much pain. Mom was in the hospital with atrial fibulation and pnuemonia. She is fine. I had (and still have) a horrible case of asthmatic bronchitis, which didn't stop Mom from calling 31 times one day ( a record, it's usually 10-15 times a day)

I'm having a hard time reconciling a lot of new info (more lies, more OW's, a lot of hurtful stuff) and having to rewrite what I thought was my past....what I believed was happening and what was happening in reality.

My third year antianniversary comes up at the end of May and I've just been surviving......

Love to all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honest))) I am so sorry. I can't imagine unearthing more details now. My heart hurts for you. :(


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
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