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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC Jack, I’m still not sure about the journals. I had a couple of years of fWH writing pre the affair. At that time, I I strongly suspect he had an EA, perhaps PA with another ex-gf. I know our circumstances and spouses are different, but I couldn’t see anything but his “poor me” in them. He never said he was unhappy or indicated he was having doubts about us. To me, everything seemed fine, other than his strong desire to change jobs. Again. I just wonder if you will read things between the lines that are either not there or will make you question your marriage during those years. Diaries are private, meant to be revisited by the person writing them (unless you are a politician or an actor!) and not by anyone else. They act as aide memoires when looking back over life. For me, getting the timeline for fWH meant looking at accounts – which used to be my way of diarising. I knew where I was, what I was doing and who we were with because I had the details. Whatever it is you are looking for, I don’t think you will find it there.

I still say it is dangerous ground and I still ask why she has kept them. Just sayin’.

(((((honest))))) I was skimming and missed your post. I like what Nell says!!!

Honey, I don’t understand why you are giving him any sympathy. He has brought all this upon himself. He is STILL being a drama queen and STILL being the centre of attention. Yes, he’s got this heart problem. Yes, it’s serious. But y’know, the surgeons do this surgery every day. Every day. He is cranking it up and I can’t help but think “me, me, me,” He is doing that bit of reeling you in by his charm – even if it is from his hospital bed. I wonder if you love him because you would feel bad if you admitted otherwise to yourself and then he died.

Okay, be there for him. But try to remain detached. Be practical, like the nurses. And yeh, open heart surgery and recuperate for 6wks before flying back to OW? Don’t think so. As Ats says, optimistic. If all goes well and he has good healing, cautiously perhaps 6wks. He is using you sweetie. He is manipulating you. and he is still with OW too. Be practical as far as he is concerned, but do NOT neglect your own life. He will only hurt you – again. As you say, NPD. Hate to say it, but check the will.

Find your calm space and rejuvenate. Peace and strength to you.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, September 8th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses.

Check the will? I don't think he has one. Unfortunately, the surgery was moved to Monday, so not enough time to get one made.

I feel like such a bitch talking to him tomorrow before his surgery about what happens if he doesn't make it, because as many of you have said, this kind of surgery, although very serious, is done all the time. He's going to make it just fine.

I know I should stop looking at the phone records, but I guess I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll end up being complacent and go back to denial that everything is ok and going to get better because I want it soooo badly.

But, in a strange way, I feel guilty because I'm making this to be about ME, about how I feel and not about the fact that he is going to have open heart surgery. I feel so conflicted.

The only thing that is helping me to really detach IS the phone records that show that after NPD was finished with the angiogram and they whisked him through quickly and told me that he was going to need the triple bypass (they said at first a quadrupal bypass) and that I had to wait in the waiting room for a half hour before speaking to the doctor, the nurse comes in and tells me NPD wants his cell phones. The phone records show that he tried to call her First, and failed and then called me. I was with him in the hospital from 8 am and it was 3:30 pm and he is calling her first!! and then when they finally let me in to see him, he is talking with OC 9 and crying because OC (the one with the same name as my daughter that died) was crying and upset that he wasn't coming home yet and having an operation and that the OC's were so young.

This smacked me in the face so hard. This was his priority. He wasn't calling me or our 17 year old DS who would have understood more. No, he was calling OW and then speaking to OC.

I want to yell at him, but how can I when he is lying there in a hospital bed all hooked up to monitors and IV's?

I'm sorry, I know I have to do something, but I feel like a deer in the headlights.

Also, when I had a gallbladder operation 20 years ago, he was soooooo good. He was there for me 24/7 and in a way I want to do that for him too.

I'm so sorry, that I'm blabbering. It's just that I know you guys will understand.

There are newbies, and I'm sorry I'm not helping, but MC Jack's post about the journals did make me think.

DON'T READ THEM.

I only say this because I journal a lot, and many times I may just be writing what I feel AT THAT MOMENT and may not be what I really truly feel. I may be journalling because I'm soooo angry at that moment and write things that I would want to throw and break things (and people ) that I would NEVER EVER really do KWIM? Tell WW to throw the journals out.

Thank you all so much for listening to me vent and blabber.
I often think of all of you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
God bless you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Confession time.

I have become a lurker.

I read several times a day but not posting as I have nothing relevant to say.

All I can do is offer hugs to you all and say welcome to the newbies.

But the real reason I had to post was to say this:

Honest :

Listen to Nell. PLEASE use this opportunity!!!!

The bastard treats you like shit, uses you and you keep trying to ... I don't know what??

I wish he had died. I hope he still does. At least you might be left with some financial security. If he doesn't have a will that may work in your favour.

There.

I said it!!!!

Now friends hit me with the 2X4s if you think I am out of line - but I will still think/feel the same.

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check the will? I don't think he has one.
WHAT??? He has two families and he has no will??? If this is the case, then he really doesn’t care one jot about anyone but himself. Wow. However this turns out, he really should have one. Unless it works against you – in which case KEEP QUIET!!

I know I should stop looking at the phone records, but I guess I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll end up being complacent and go back to denial that everything is ok and going to get better because I want it soooo badly.
This is repeated confirmation that NPD is not going to change. Much as it hurts you, I think I would be concerned for you if you didn’t check the records. I’d say keep doing it.

I feel guilty because I'm making this to be about ME, about how I feel and not about the fact that he is going to have open heart surgery.
This is because you are insecure. He has consistently failed you and you are concerned that you are not worried about him? Come on sweetie. He is putting the OW and their children before you and yours. He chose to talk to OC because he could MAKE A DRAMA OF IT!!! 9yr olds do not reassure or talk sensibly when faced with a parent who is falling apart (apparently; but I doubt he actually was) and so it was so he could do the “what if I die, oh how my darling little ones and OW going to manage? Oh woe, woe, woe, poor sick and helpless me.” Whereas your 17yr old would want to talk him down, not have hysterics down the phone. IT’S ABOUT HIM. IT ALWAYS WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE. He likes the way OW and the children make him feel and OW will have trained her children to respond in the way OC did. He’s a self centred egotist. So I say MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. concentrate on you and the practicalities and let the staff take care of him.

but I feel like a deer in the headlights.
Blink and stop staring at the headlights. Get out of the way.

I don’t care if he lives or dies. But I want whatever is the best thing for you - although I'm not sure what that is. A will giving everything to you, I think! I think he is a waste of breath. He is an emotional cripple and a parasite. He is bleeding you dry. Look after you and the boys.

Fucking drama queen.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:24 AM, September 9th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, honest? I just had a thought. A question, actually. Who is (has?) his financial power of attorney? That would probably be a much easier document to get signed and witnessed before his surgery than a will. How could you feed his drama llama to get him to give the power of attorney to you? Maybe double it up with medical power of attorney (just call it power of attorney, maybe) and feed his boohoohoo poor darling; how will the earth continue to spin if he is not around...???

I'm sure I'll be back later with some new half-assed idea.

Meanwhile, don't read the journals. You won't find truth (nor will you find any remorse) in them. I predict that at best you'd see lots of selfish poor-me.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, has anyone heard from nofun? She hasn't posted since she left the M home... Anyone know if she's okay?

T2


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4097 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Nell. That is a good idea about the power of attorney. I'll see what I can do about that. Too bad they are having the operation tomorrow instead of Wed. Doesn't give me much time to do anything.

Take2: You're right, we haven't heard from Nofun. I hope she's ok.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest- We are all concerned for you! And do not want to see the NPD WH take advantage of your kind heart.
I know that he is the father of your children and for that reason you may be concerned for his health and well being but he is so unbelievably selfish!

And unfortunately you helping him through this surgery and long recovery afterward is the opposite of the 180.
The idea that he needs to have some consequences for his actions and that he can't have it all.
He should not have you to fall back on after he has treated you so badly.
If he wants a life with the new wife then he should have stayed there, had the surgery there...and let her have to deal with a sick husband.
Why would you have to deal with his recovery and then you ship him back to his other wife as good as new?

I would never be able to do something like this.
I would do the absolute minimum for him and would not allow him to stay in my home.
But, I realize that you are stuck in a way financially and that since he is still supporting you and the kids then you feel like you have to deal with him.

Does he have medical insurance?
Will they pay for a home health aide to care for him post op? If so..take advantage of that...even if not you should tell him to pay for someone to wait on him hand and foot.
This whole situation just infuriates me.
Have you ever spoken to the OW?
I would have called her and told her that she has destroyed a family and hurt you beyond belief and that bad karma will follow her wherever she goes.
It must be against their religion to hurt others and especially hurt families...

I just can't get over what a total cake eater he is....
he comes and goes as he pleases and has the best of both worlds.
Even when it comes to medical care.
All of his money and businesses are over seas but where does he go for medical care? here.

I don't know if there is anything you can do before he goes in for surgery tomorrow.
Could you just draw up a paper and have someone at the hospital witness it?
But, I think you said before that he has nothing in terms of money in this country-only debt. All his assets are in the other country and hidden so that you and your boys will never have access to anything unless he decides he will give something to them.

and my guess is that he will give everything to his 'new' family.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this mess.
I wonder if there are other women in the US that have dealt with this? maybe you could contact someone via the internet and get some advice as to how to deal with foreign governments etc. in terms of child custody and child support, inheritance etc.
Maybe that woman that wrote the book and movie about her daughter being kidnapped in Iran by the husband's family?
Could she be a contact person to point you in the right direction in terms of legal counsel etc.
Just some thoughts....



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, you have such a beautiful heart you dont deserve this. Agree with Ats & Nell about using this as leverage. I hope that you can get something organised before the operation.
I think 6 weeks recoup will more likely be 8-9 weeks.
Dont let him play you please.

Dip - havent been grilling either my friend & I dont have a boat


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault

I will give you my philosophy about life these days… and as it might relate to you to achieve peace.

IMO, obviously you are not going D your H. I say nothing wrong with you staying in this relationship for YOU. My grandmother made this choice once. It is a choice for security. She lived in a different bedroom, did her own thing, but she did stay married ; my grandfather went on to have a lifelong partner.

I think what is important is peace within YOU. You can make the choice… Peace is a state of mind and peace does come when uncertainty is void.

I am going to stay married and love him only in certain areas. I accept he is NPD and has a second wife, his culture and value, not mine. I will love him when he is sick. I will not love him with touch or only have sex when I want sex, when I want touched.. I will live my life happy as it is… raising my son, doing my own thing, enjoying the fruits from my husbands which sounds like the only good love he gives you.. his gifts of money. To achieve this peace comes… When his NPD come up.. You just look at him… SO WHAT attitude. You think to your H, “say what you want when you want.. I am taking you gift of money and happy about that, nothing you say about me, to me, is going to affect my feelings because I know you are NPD. I just don’t care about that.” Go ahead! It goes right through me.

Some people will not understand your choice and may even make comment. You make this choice for your own peace. I accept this is the way I choose to life.

You are far far too sweet to pull a sneaky legal maneuver to get what is yours. I always think it is better to face your problems head on looking someone straight in the face and say. A woman of courage, strength, honor, is a woman who can look her Husband in the face and say, “I am taking what is mine.” Or “I decided not to love you any longer to find the kind of love I want”

So, you love him with services… Because this is YOU, a sweet woman ANY MAN would be blessed to have. Today, I choose to love and be loved this way. If tomorrow you don’t get what you want from your H, You will have the courage to end the relationship. But for now, I choose this and my life is about me.

When ATS visited Indy and we had lunch a few months back, we talked about peace in a way. I saw some peace in ATS.. He got me thinking. At that time, I was in a conflict with my wife. My wife was very troubled and wanted to leave me. She found an email not addressed to her about my value and my activism. My value is that abortion is murder. Her value is that Abortion is a woman’s “choice”. She struggled with this saying our values are too far apart and cannot be with someone who has this value.

“Honey. I make the choice to love you with this value. There are things in life that are not about YOU. This is about ME and my value. You can have any value you want. I accept you have that value. It does not change my choice to love you” But if it ever came to my baby, My feelings would be greatly hurt and I would D her for making her “choice” that involved something I do have values. And if my wife cannot accept my value, she can make her decision to leave me and stop loving me. So we live today with each other values choosing to love each other.

Love is always a choice. Love is kind. I have for a long time known love is not some feeling. It is a verb, not a noun. Feelings are what they are and can come loving or not loving.

And all of us have different types of love we give and want to receive. This for some folks could be complete or not complete love. I choose to have a complete love in all areas. This gives me peace. A person can have accept not having complete in all areas.

I want the love of romance and touch. I choose to be married to someone who romances me, loves me with touch, and loves me that way. That is my choice. If my wife does not love me with touch, the love of sex, I will not be married to that woman. That value of connecting and closeness is that important to me. That is my values.

I want to love with quality time. I only accept my wife when we are together having quality time. If my wife is not giving me quality time, I will not be married to her. I will divorce her. Honest, your consequence could be totally different. Yours can be. “I will only spend quality time with my H when he is NOT NPD, he receives no quality time with me when he is NPD, I don’t acknowledge his comment or behavior when he lives his value of his other wife or life ”

The love of services. I want to love with services and I want the love of services. I want a woman who values and contributes to our family income. I want a wife who services me when I am sick by serving me comfort. Honest, you want and love your H because he services you with income and you make the choice to love him by comforting him when he is sick.

The love of gifts.. I don’t want this from my wife. I take gifts with grace. I give my wife gifts.

The love of affirmation… I want that too. I accept I don’t always get this love from my wife. I give her affirmation to the best of my ability because I want to do this.

Honest, you can change your choice and values. Make a choice to be happy with that value and choice and live it. My point is that YOU can choose to love your man anyway you want or not want. With this firm belief on your choice your thoughts are certain. With certainty comes peace. With firm belief comes good thoughts.. thoughts come before feelings.

Tryn’s doing well in all parts of life and ready for anything that comes my way.

I hope all find peace on the LTA board…

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:10 AM, September 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a long time I was flipping swiches on and off. Turning the dials, up and back... They are set in place today but of course I can always make a change because I can.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, whatever you think NPD is worth --- have him transfer 3/4 of it into your name alone. Have it done by a lawyer so it's done right, and he can't get it back. He's worth more than you'll ever be able to figure out, which is why I say take 3/4 of your estimate and be done with it. Have him sign away his parental rights to the kids, sign the house over to you, cop to the bigamist overseas marriage and get a D. In exchange, you'll take care of him until he can get back to OW and her kids and he can come visit your sons 4 times a year for a week each time.

You don't have to ACTUALLY flip him the bird when you offer him the "deal".

Otherwise, I suggest y'all take a nice, 6 week vacation and make him hire a nurse.

Well, MC Jack, the journal thing has been well analyzed so, I'll just let you decide, you've been given great advice.

Just an FYI -- Old dipstick "Dip" is our resident grillmaster. Y'all need to know that with Monday Night Football coming up.

NJ gal said:

I actually told everyone.

I think I'm the biggest blabbermouth on the LTA forum in terms of how many people know about my FWH's.

I told friends, family, co-workers,his boss, MOW's husband,my hair dresser, manicurist....

I'll go with second biggest.

I told whole heck of a lot of people -- my nannies, my parents, my sister, therapists, my doctor, my OB, half a dozen friends, cleaning people, hairdresser, old friends on facebook, the principal of the kids school... there is a whole army of people who know. Weirdly, I think my husband only thinks my parents know. Then again, WS's do denial well...

Feeling special: this is tough. You will get past it. You ARE special. You've just got to find your "inner special". How is a little different for everyone, but it will come. The upside of this is -- it's way more permanent than the "feeling special because of something your spouse is reflecting" special -- which honestly isn't a whole lot different than the affirmation your spouse was seeking from the AP(s). Be patient with yourself.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmmn.. I also want to address tryn's post a bit.

First, just wow. (A) she didn't know you're pro life and (B) that's divorce-worthy? I can't wrap my head around it. Nonetheless, I won't go farther due to the "no politics" policy and it's def. a hot-button issue for a lot of people. I just had no idea it was divorce-worthy hot.

So, tryn does have a point about the NPD --- in the sense of the disorder, etc. I think there is a lot to viewing the NPD traits/flaws as a disability in a way caveat being SO LONG AS you can keep yourself from being harmed by them. But there's the rub: honest can't. He's taken the family assets overseas and given them to a second family. That's not OK. That's about a million levels above Mr.M3 schmoopie texting some XHSGF... which is aggrivating enough.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest)))

Thinking about you today.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
I'm sending out thoughts to you and they go like this: Please take care of honest today; whatever situation brings the best for her, make it so.

Because I am at a loss. I love what m3 said about the exchange. (Portion of his stuff for X number of weeks of care.) That is fair. Relatively speaking...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Honest)) don't do what NPDWH wants, don't do what ICR LTA tells you. Do what feels right to you. Take care of Honest through this, even if that involves taking care of NPDWH

((honesttoafault))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, just wow. (A) she didn't know you're pro life and (B) that's divorce-worthy?

Yep... It sure was to my wife. But frankly, I just didn't care. It is her choice to love me or not. I never accept not being loved. I bring on conflict if she behaves in way not loving me. That's the approach I've taken these days. It took me my W’s A to discover how to be healthy.

Let me uses sex as an example because I once placed way too much value in that love. I have made it very clear to my wife that she is going to have sex with me, she is going to want to have sex with me, she is going to enjoy sex with me.. or the consequences is she is not going to be loved by me. And if I get the slightest hint of “chore” sex… Not for me woman. Go find some other man to trick and fool. And believe me, I have had years and years of chore sex. I know what it is.

Same goes for all the aspects of love. Love is your choice and love is my choice. I know this.. Good feelings come when someone chooses to love you and you choose to love them. When you behave unloving, this brings on misery. It’s a two way street too. I love and fill every need of my wife to the best of my ability. I care deeply for my wife because it is my choice. It is my commitment to myself. I expect reciprocity or she is going to be in conflict with me or not going to be in my world. Fear saved my marriage once.. Fear will not save it a second time.

Honest… No, you don’t have to love the way I suggested. M3 may have an out for you. Once security is in your own control, YOU can be bold and maybe get blessed with the kind love that we all deserve.. A whole good complete kind of love. But if not, you can still be happy loving the way I suggest. My grandmother lived that life and was happy.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW, thank you all so much for your advice and responses.

Unfortunately, M3 is right, there is no money here to negotiate with, plus he took out a home equity loan that is more than the house's worth. Yeah, NPD offered to put the house in my name, but it's worthlessa and I'll be stuck with the debt!

Tryn, I'm just reading the 5 Love Languages, and gift giving and services are NOT my love language, unfortunately. My main ones are touch (more affectionate touch ) , quality time and affirmation are tied. NPD calling OW all the time hurts me so much because that is quality time he is giving to her (and that is one of his, I had him take the test in the book, Touch is #1 for him, but that is sex, I think )

Nell, Ats, UKgirl, NJgal, M3, WYE,Laura, DP, Tryn, I hope I didn't forget anyone, I can't thank you enough. I really needed everyone's advice because you know my sitch and it's so crazy.

I know that NPD has emotionally abused me with a kid glove and charm...if that makes any sense. Because he's smart, he can wrap it up in a semi logic package and I end up buying it.

I've been down the Divorce road before, and it's not easy. I thought hanging on like I've had might be better for now because I wasn't ready for the D. I was just surviving for the past few years, being TT'd to death and gaslighted. Of course my mother's issues hasn't helped

I didn't want to lose all the money I gave to him, plus the house and having no money if I D NPD.

Sooooo, one step at a time. Thank you for your support. I really need it.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, I think this will bring you some peace. It is about a change of attitude.

Honest, to achieve inner peace… you must just stop caring about certain parts of her H behavior since you cannot control. Your H’s cash flow is how he is loving you and your son.

You can make the choice to stop living in misery. I say accept all that behavior and live your happy life with it. Take the position that your H’s life is what it is, and nothing you can do is going to change that. Accept it. Then choose to love him in the way you want. Accept to receive the love he gives her in the form of Love of services. You can pick and choose the love you want to give or receive.

You can sacrifice the love of touch for now. It comes with sacrifice but you can self sex or read novels to fill romantic needs. You should come to the conclusion in your own mind that I can live happy without the love of romance from your H. Your battle is with your own feelings and mind.

It takes awhile but you can start to form a solid value in your mind. “Honey, you can love any woman you want romantically, I give you the OK. I only want the love of services from you. Cash to live.”

He wants to love you with security of money. His choice is not complete love either, and that is OK too. I bet he wants the love of touch from you Honest too but, that is the sacrifice he makes for having a second wife. Those are the consequences of his behaviors. Protect your self from not telling what diseases are out there. Simple say go get that from wife #2. Or.. you love him with touch. You are at that point anyway. Kick out the dream of singular romantic love and fill it with other ways. It is not right or wrong. Honest to take this position of love. Heck, our society is redefining what marriage is anyway.. Men can marry men.. woman to woman. This is not my value but, who am I to say one man cannot have multiple wives? It is about what we accept.

Reciprocity in Honest situation is her wanting and loving her H in other ways. Nothing wrong with making the choice to care for her H when he is sick. He is loving her in some areas.

Honest, if you can take this value about your life, you might not have bad feelings. You won’t have feelings of wishing he would have a heart attack; wishing he was out of your life with death. Feeling guilty about wanting him dead. Hey, You decide to love the man by taking care of him when he is sick and some other parts of love just don’t matter to you. Maybe you also now start taking the attitude of just enjoy talking to him when he does visit.. you do all this in a pleasant way.

Should conversation happen about his other life, you simple say.. I don’t value that part of his life and refuse to go there. You stop looking at call records because you DON’T care if he calls this other woman or not. He is not going to do it in your presents. He leaves to call his other W. Should he decide to control you with money, YOU stand strong and tell him to D you… and If he does not like the love you are giving him, THEN GO FILE FOR D. I expect to be loved with my monthly cash because a “MAN” takes responsibility for his wife and his child. Tell him he has an obligation.

Just love him in a far different way. I will love him with pleasant enjoyable conversation only and I refuse to be around anyone unpleasant. I don’t get rattled, I just simply say things like.. “Repeat the exact same situation as if he was YOU.. Throw it right back as if HE was YOU.. so he can see his unkind behavior. I will not accept being in that environment no longer. But You love him ways you already do… with service of good food, good company so he can provide for me.

That’s my thoughts.. Call me crazy.. but I am at a good place with this attitude.. lol


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
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Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 10th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, you are not crazy. This is what I was trying to do: she's there, I'm here attitude, but NPD was constantly putting it in my face.

Thank you for your post. It really is empowering because you are making me see that I can make a choice. I can choose what I will accept or not, and no longer be a victim.

Actually, my IC has been telling me the same thing. If I want to continue the way I am for financial reasons, I MUST detach emotionally. It is my choice. I guess I've been feeling like such a victim. I've tried to put boundaries about this sitch and got so much heartache with it.

But boundaries of my choosing is what I must do. Get my ducks in a row. Get ready for possible D. If NPD cannot or will not accept the boundaries I set, whatever they may be and may be crazy, so be it.

I cannot thank everyone enough. I keep running on emotion mind, but NPD keeps doing hurtful things, and that has got to stop one way or another.

I love you all.

Oh, by the way, they kept postponing the surgery and NPD wants a second opinion and is thinking of leaving the hospital. Long story short, he wants to leave the hospital tomorrow, and may opt out of the surgery.
NPD= I know better than everyone else including the doctors. Honest will give her opinion, but I will not listen until I ask every Tom, Dick and Harry and then come back and say the same thing that Honest said in the beginning.


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