PS - I no longer wear my ring as well.
What are your values as a woman?
I don't think I have gender-specific values. Maybe culture-specific; I don't know. I value:
* Setting and working to meet priorities/principles/goals (whatever you want to call a person's guiding ideals)
* A grateful/positive attitude
* Self-discovery and self-direction
* Kindness to self and others
* Living within one's means
* Family and friends
M3 - happy, happy birthday.
Tryin - I agree with Nell that values are not gender specific. Preferences will be different but not values.
Update on the h&c world.
Anniversaries have always been an appropriate time for me to evaluate the past, present, and future eliminating the noise of the daily activities of life. I am currently in the midst of a string of anniversaries related to my WW A and will share my thoughts, emotions, and paths being considered.
Triggers – few, if any, in months. Occasional clenching of eyes due to overall sickness of A but not triggered by anything specific.
Stress – still carry some in my back though it is significantly less than six months earlier.
Peace – getting closer. W and I were at a site that has one of, if not the largest, association with her A. I was not angry, uptight, but just wondered (and said to W), what do you think your AP is doing? I still grieve over what I have lost (or thought I had) and the future that could have been. Finally, I can enjoy a good drink (occasionally) again.
Reconciliation – W is attentive and affectionate. There is still the I love you with a subtext of I do not love you the way you love me. “I have also wondered if I would be happier if I were not married to you” – WW
Status – I understand her feelings and told her this week that I could no longer stay under those conditions. Yes, we would give up each others companionship (good); support (good); daily interaction with our teens (I would miss); comforts of our finances (not important). Her reaction was do not say it! I am not in a rush, the time is small relative to 20 years of M. Though I do not see her behaviors changing and see a D as inevitable.
Wishing all a great weekend!
Welcome to our little corner of SI.
So sad you had to find us but you will quickly learn that the tribe are very compassionate people who truly do understand your pain.
It sounds to me as though you are going very well considering.
I particularly like the story about your FWW putting the GPS tracker on her phone. That kind of proactive behaviour is really encouraging.
Like all of us you have a long way to go. Whenever you need us we will be here so don't hesitate to post your thoughts or experiences.
We all know each other well and I think that is the wonderful thing about LTA. We are a community.
I visit the other sections of SI regularly but unless I follow a particular thread for a while don't get to really "know" all those who post.
This is a safe haven for those of us who have suffered from LTAs. Hang around. You won't be sorry.
Take care Bro.
Belated Bday greetings to M3! Ditto on Nell's msg... I agree and applaud you both, admiring your strength & positive attitude!
As Friday is my day with my GS, online activity is pretty much confined to his favourite Youtube Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & other kids' viewing & music... "Don't read your email Gramma!" says my precious almost 3 yr old. July is his birth month and we spent some time marking his 2012 Cars calendar with family Bdays. The calendar lives on my fridge, in case you are wondering <GriN>
ETA to re-try posting the image. sometimes it works, sometimes not...
[This message edited by lostsuol at 12:41 PM, April 28th (Saturday)]
She says, “I have also wondered if I would be happier if I were not married to you” Is it a some moments of time or does she really say and think this every time?
I have some values…… I will be a man who gives my wife what she needs to the best of my ability. H&C, This kind of value has worked very well for me and I communicate it to my wife. I know that my values may not match those of others. If not, I manage them to the best of my ability.
This is what I have done to my wife… “If You’re not happy? Then it’s your choice to leave. I don’t want you to leave. I want to be the man you need and will change to be this man if this is a good man. But I will also tell you, I only be in a marriage that is mutually, loving, caring, happy, honoring and sexual (newly added this year). “
Thank you Nell for placing some thought in your values. Values may not be gender specific, but after talking to all you fine woman for a few years now, you do seem to think way different than a man.
H&C.. do you have this value Nell mentions? A grateful/positive attitude.
“Though I do not see her behaviors changing and see a D as inevitable.”
Too me, when we try to R, we get so negative. I did it for sure many times. You can make it your choice that it will be your W who files D and ends it with you. That is a value. If my W, njgal’s H, ats’s W and others, your wife can change too with your staying true to your own values.
Nell, I too have those same values. I think you made a good list. Thank you.
I told her that if she wanted me to get in bed that she'd better take a shower and do what she had to do.
I think what your wife is doing is a good sign to R. But the ultimate factor you can control is you.
So, you get gang raped in college and that is the reason. Bull shit IMO. She may have some issues but that rape has not a damn thing to do with her not living up to marriage commitment. That was done for you to feel sorry for her bad behavoir. They are separate issues.
Sent you a PM.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:43 AM, April 29th (Sunday)]
As for the shower and "do what you have to do" bit. Well, that was before I would climb into our bed that night. We did NOT have sex that night. No f'ng way could I have done that. I was trying to be subtle, but if you need clarification, I told her to shower so she could wash his smell off her and douche to get any bit of him the fuck outta there.
My apologies if I offended anyone there, but it seems like tryn wanted to know what I was talking about. I can be subtle or I can be pretty blatant. I'd rather be subtle not knowing exactly who I'm chatting with in a forum. But that's just me.
Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument; and the one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "Today my best friend slapped me in the face."
They kept walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one, who had been slapped, got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After the friend recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "Today my best friend saved my life."
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"
The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."
Learn to write your hurts in the sand, and to carve your benefits in stone.
[This message edited by trynhard at 4:39 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]
It's so early, I am not sure you are capable of forgiving right now. I wanted to early, but it tooks well over a year for me to forgive and even now I am not sure it is complete.
This is hard. It will be about the hardest thing you ever face in life.
I wish you peace.
To relate a bit more of my/our back story. 7 years ago, my wife had a miscarriage. I've been captain of a couple private jets for the past decade. I was thousands of miles away when she began spotting one night and then I got the call the following morning after her doctor's appointment. Luckily we were coming home that day and I was able to be with her for the next week as she had to have what amounts to an abortion to remove the dead fetus. I remember how horrible it was and how deeply sad I was at losing our baby. She went into a pretty deep depression and of course...I had to get back to flying the rich people around. Whenever I was home, I would try to talk to her, but nothing seemed to work. I walked on eggshells around her. I didn't know what to do or say to ease her pain. Then I began to shut down from trying to help. I stopped talking and continued my eggshell dance. We drifted at that point. She wrote to me this weekend (we keep a journal together) that it was during that time that she realizes now that she should have opened up to me. That she should have recognized that I was her strength. I was her husband and I was there to console her and help BOTH of us heal. Unfortunately, she didn't do that. So, she began to resent me, even though it was her that didn't confide in me. The resentment was wrongfully placed on me (her words) and she began to drift further away. She met the OM about 2 years after that. He gave her the attention that she thought she wasn't getting from me. Again, since everything has come out and she has been completely transparent and honest with me, she has admitted that during the 5 years that in her mind, she created the resentment and anger towards me to justify the affair. I was constantly to blame for everything that was wrong in our marriage...which I know now was pretty much bullshit. She admits that, too. She has told me on a daily basis for the last 8 weeks since Dday how sorry she is for her betrayal and that she will do everything and anything to get our marriage back. She bought a book called "How to Heal Your Spouse After Your Affair" and I can see a 180 degree change in her behavior since Dday. Literally, a different woman than 3/5. I'm not happy that this happened, however I AM happy that we are where we are. We talk to each other every day with honesty. Heck, we even sit on the same couch together to watch our nightly TV shows. The air in the house is totally different, and even though it sucks that we got to this place the way we did, I'm glad that we are here.
I made this for ats but it also applies to you.
If you don't leave your wife, your arm is missing forever. I don't hurt anymore, I can hurt when I want to take my mind in the past. I look at my arm all the time. It’s missing. Do you get what I am saying?
You can allow yesterday to ruin today... or not. This is about you now.
Forgiveness is a choice. You decide to forgive or not. Once you decide, then you begin act and execute forgiving ways. The execution is not so easy. We allow our feeling and emotion to overpower us. You should read a book on how to forgive. The path you are on should be a learning experience to pass on to your kids and others that will need you later in life.
A masculine man knows how to have self control. It is his value. I will not allow my emotions to make poor choices. Damn straight every pilot I know is a masculine man. My brother is a pilot and it takes courage to have that job. I know you have what it takes.
She bought a book called "How to Heal Your Spouse After Your Affair"
A man with values will not mislead his wife into believing all she does today to correct her failing is without reward. I think we all want a mutually, loving, kind, caring, happy and sexually relationship. If you fail to give your wife what she needs, you fail yourself and you stay and wallow in your own misery. I wallowed in it for months and months and it was my greatest mistake.
You are in a grieving period. It will take you through some stages. All I can say is self control is your biggest asset. Your goal should not be to fix your wife. She can only fix herself. I think you can understand that your W has failed herself, let God down, let you, your family down. Affairs are about the worst possible thing a person can do. Affairs are evil, no ifs, ands or buts.
Now is the time to be wise. You are not a doormat. You do not accept anything but new transparency. You accept only good loving, caring, happy and a good sexual relationship from now on. You need to take something from this experience. I will learn how to handle future conflicts. I will bring on conflicts to stay true to my own values and boundaries. I will be more loving and discover what my wife’s needs are and try to the best of my ability for fill those needs. I will control my emotions.
Have you read the 5 languages of love. Do it.
I am kinda new to the LTA forum myself, but not new to SI. I am almost 2 years out from my dday.
My fWH read "how to help your spouse heal" also. He has been rock solid for the most part in my healing. We still have issues at times, but I think a lot of it can be attributed to the crazy thinking I was gifted on dday.
Tryn suggested the 5 love languages. I also suggest it, however, when fWH and I read it we first did the online assessment and then focused on the top two love languages for each of us.
We didn't really need to read "gifts" because it was the bottom love language for us both. Anyway, here is the assessment.