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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wishing all peace and happiness this weekend and beyond.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M334455 wrote:
Hey, I just had a thought; do you think the length of the marriage vs. the LTA predicts success in R in any way? Just asking, because many of you were married twice as long or more than the length of the LTA, whereas in my case the LTA was three times longer than my marriage on Dday...

It may. My FWW's A started shortly before our 17th Wedding anniversary. It ended shortly before our 21st. I'm at a loss on this one M334455. Sorry. I'm sure the tribe will come up with positives and negatives on both sides. I know my decision to R during the first 90 days was heavily weighted by the fact that we have been married so long despite that the A took up 20% of our M.


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inca,
He also says he never loved her even though he told her he did, always loved me, never wanted to hurt me or leave me, etc.
Classic lines. Telling the AP what they want to hear so they can both keep up the fantasy and that misty mirror that they preen themselves in front of. I do think this business of saying “but I always loved you” “I never meant to hurt you” “I was never going to leave you” is a pile of crap. If my WH had truly loved me, he would never have done the very thing guaranteed to destroy me and our marriage. Period. If he had never meant to hurt me, the same thing applies. What DID he meant to do, if it wasn’t to cause hurt? Some sort of sadistic test? As for not going to leave, was I supposed to fall at his feet and tell him how grateful I was for him still being here? The translation for those lines are as follows:

I always loved you
Translation: Please don’t throw me out
I never wanted to hurt you
Translation: You were never supposed to find out
I was never going to leave you
Translation: I liked having my cake and eating it too.

Sorry you are here inca. If he is truly remorseful (and he sounds as if he is), he will avoid OW and tell you if he should see her, he will be fully responsible for his actions and apportion no blame to you, he will not find excuses for his affair (there are none), he will acknowledge your pain and do whatever he can to help you, he will answer all your questions honestly, he will apologise repeatedly for what he has done, he will agree to MC and, even if he doesn’t think he needs it but it makes you feel better, he will go to IC. He will apologise to anyone and everyone who knows about the affair. Finally, he will put boundaries and tools in place to ensure he never has another affair.

Lying and TT is the worst thing. But I hope you managed to have a reasonable day on what should have been a happy one. Reconciliation after a LTA is possible, but it is a long and hard road.

No time for more - hi and hugs to the rest of the Tribe (((((LTATribe)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had another talk with Mr UKg on Friday night in the pub.

I said he makes a deliberate choice to NOT tell me things, to keep things from me. Then I find out and all hell breaks loose. And he hasn't learnt. And that fucking bitch still hasn't learnt either. Six years and she's still stalking. Maybe I should ask her if she wants to come in for a cup of tea.

I'm off, have a good week folks!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UKGirl)))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I meant that in terms of the WS really doing what it takes to heal the M


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
sadness1
♀ Member
Member # 32160
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time posting here and I am not sure if the question belongs here.

With these LTA's did you and your spouse separate for a time and then come back? It seems in a lot of what I read most of the the WS stayed the whole time?

How about D? Did anyone go through with divorces and come back to one another later?


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi sadness1 and welcome to the LTA corner of SI. Two years or more is generally considered a LTA.

From your postings, it sounds as though your WH is currently living with his 23yo OW and you are waiting it out with your DDs. Is this the case?

Whether or not you are in the throes of divorce, you can find support here. There are reconciliation successes as well as separation and divorce. Some have thrown their WS out on or soon after d-day and allowed them back some weeks or months after agreements and boundaries were set.

However, your WH seems set on a new life with this OW. As you imply, a classic mid-life crisis, seeking his youth with a much younger woman. Sometimes they work, mostly they don’t. Only time will tell.

As you have been here some time, I assume you have read Great Posts for Newbies in JFO. I will guide you to that again and for you to read the relevant articles to your case, esp communicating with a foggy spouse and understanding the 180. There is also one called Tactical Primer which is useful.

Yes, it can happen. But I think you have to ask yourself if you want this man back. He has been gone for 6mths and has gone from you to OW. I think you have to wait it out. If it doesn’t work with this OW, I would strongly recommend he lives alone and does not simply go from her warm house and bed to yours.

Hugs (((((sadness)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
sadness1
♀ Member
Member # 32160
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK - I think it is more curiosity. He left in Jan 2011 came back in Nov '11 for 3 weeks and left again. So I have been dealing with this about a year and a half. We are in the process of divorce and 95% of the time I know it is the right thing to do and that we couldn't make it work after all the damage.

However when he gives me the I love you's and misses me...it throws me off. Then sometimes when I read hear and on other forums I see how people had affairs for years and years and yet are still together.


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An affair by its definition is carried out in secret. The objective is to keep the spouse(s) or SOs in the dark. It seems incredible, but LTAs can go on for years and years, the whole marriage and then some, without the spouse knowing. People who haven’t been blindsided in this way find it astonishing and unbelievable. Then there is the gaslighting and smokeblowing and downright lying that goes on too. There are “rules” to having a successful LTA. 25 of them. My fWH followed 23 and he didn’t even know what the “rules” were – he just did it naturally. The ones he fell down on were falling in love and making promises he wasn’t prepared to keep (like leaving me for her).

when he gives me the I love you's and misses me...it throws me off.
this is to assuage any guilt he might feel about what he is doing and that he has left you for someone else. He also feels he is retaining an emotional link (should it all go pear shaped) and therefore some control over you and your emotional response to him. Of course he misses you – he’s with a child, for goodness sake! He probably misses intelligent adult conversation, having someone understand his moods, someone relating to things that have happened in the past twenty-odd years ago, someone who understands how it is to have teenagers, someone who understands how work can get pretty tedious after doing it for 20+ years. He says he loves you because he wants to keep the door open. I think you should shut it firmly in his face. Where is the love when he has shown such gross disrespect and contempt? Sorry, I wouldn’t believe the ILY line in any way, shape or form. It’s a “don’t hate me” reaction.

Return to the 180 and only talk about finances and your children. Carry on with the divorce, and make the process as speedy as possible. The sooner you are done, the sooner you can pick up the pieces of your life and move on to a new phase. Remember the DETACH acronym: Don’t Even Think About Changing Him. ‘Cos you can’t. Get your high heels and and walk tall.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey UK.. should we look for you at the Olympic??

I hope all are working toward peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 31st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always loved you
Translation: Please don’t throw me out
I never wanted to hurt you
Translation: You were never supposed to find out
I was never going to leave you
Translation: I liked having my cake and eating it too.

UKGirl.. nice, this is fun.

I will not tell you the details because you will be hurt.
Translation: I have been an ass and do not want anyone to know.
I said I was sorry.
Translation: I do not want to face what I have done
TT. Now that I have told you about this I feel so much better.
Translartion: I am still alive and now you can forget about what I did.
Now that I know the pain it has caused, I will never do it again.
Translation: Forget about it and trust me.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn' - I live a long way from London. DS24 and his gf live 3miles from the Olympic park, but are up here for a couple of days for our county show. A much nicer event! Watching it all on TV though.

M&FIL are up for the week, Mr UKg has chucked his job in and has August as garden leave, so we are spending the day at the show. Family day. Probably end up in the beer/cider tent!

I have given fWH my document chronicling our relationship from when we met. 37pages. I don't know what he has done with it or if he is going to read it. As for the anticipated response...., I have no idea. It's very personal. I'm a little apprehensive.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl- What a lovely idea.
Was this an anniversary gift?
I hope that your FWH appreciates this gesture.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to let my tribe know that I've left H on Tuesday. I'm a wreck but I couldn't take it any longer. Not sure what is going to happen at this point, I'm taking one day at a time.

Another one bites the dust!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP and Fun

Big hugs my friends and tears for you both.

Home from the holiday and jetlag is killing me. To be expected after a 27 hour flight I suppose.

Hopefully be back on SI soon.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs all around, and circling back for (((((UKgirl))))) and (((((nofun))))).
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, Laura, get some rest! I had a 27 hour trip to England once. Which is really ridiculous from MARYLAND, but there you go. It took me 3 days to recover!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((nofun))))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow nofun. I'm so sorry hon. If there was, what was the catalyst? Well, as we all know, there comes a point when you just know.
(((((nofun)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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