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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

considering i'm sitting alone in the dark after a huge fight looking at divorce papers, i'm gonna guess no.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WYE)))) - where did the papers come from? Did he give these to you or did you have them drawn up? I'm so sorry. Please keep posting, ranting, or whatever you need if it helps. We'll be here to listen if you need us.
((((((((((WYE))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - sending big hugs your way too. I just saw in D & S that you're seeing your atty today. Please let us know how your appointment goes and how you are doing. Take care of you, your kiddos and that precious little one your carrying.
((((((((M3)))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-
So sorry.
Same question as FNF... did he initiate this? or you?
either way..it stinks...


I hate all of this.How cruel people can be to one another.

M33- Keep us posted. Hope everything goes OK.
I know I was a mess after I went to see the attorney.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{WYE}}}} Keep posting here and let us know what happened. Are these divorce papers you had and were keeping, or did he give them to you? We're here for you.

M3: Keep us posted. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you bring someone with you for moral support. You have so much on your plate right now.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: Just to let you know, I've memorized something you posted that you said to your WH:
"I love my WH very much, but I also told him that while I would love him no matter what, I would NOT be his wife no matter what."

Big hugs to you. Keep posting.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the one filling out forms. I stopped halfway through. We talked it out finally.

God, this sucks.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I brought all of you in my heart for moral support.

Well, it ain't good financially, that's for sure.

It's going to take months to get all this ready. I can see it now. I think the faster I chug through it the better I will feel, but it's a pretty sucky situation.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE,
So what's the status now?

m3,
Yep to your whole post.

honest,
How are you?

Hey, lookee me. Brevity. Who knew?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW has hit a new low & threatens the financial future of our family. When this A shit started the depression hit me hard & I failed to lodge a tax return. WW received notice in Dec to refund what was deemed an overpayment of welfare (in the thousands) money she didnt have. I paid that debt & filed my return knowing those funds would be refunded. Little did i realise that she has been checking the mail each day for her mail & leaving mine in the box so I never knew the refund had been paid back to her account.So for 3 months she has had my money & didnt tell me it had been paid. Only discovered this when I was following up with welfare as I'm cash strapped.
Smack me round the head with a bat please. Tomorrow nite I'm confronting with MIL as witness so nothing I say can be misconstrued.I need the money - if she doesnt have it then I'm going to my lawyer then the cops?
Fuck it - how dare she steal from me & the kids.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow DP I can't believe she'd steal from you after all her other upstanding behavior. (sarcasm)

That truly sucks. I'm so sorry. I guarantee you she doesn't have the $ anymore.

See, this is why you have to file. Trust me. I just compared my situation on filing now to what it would have been if I'd filed after Dday. Bad. Bad. Bad. Being hopeful and romantic and trying R turns out to be very expensive.

Hope you get it all worked out, DP.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP: I'm so sorry. Geez, the selfishness of these people is beyond words. I guess talking to MIL might help, but I don't know if the cops can do anything. I hope you have discussed things with a lawyer.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you guys don't mind me keeping on posting, but I guess I need reality checks!

Finally NPD talked to me and it seems that I've been putting "restrictions" on him and he doesn't want that. What are these restrictions? 1. I had asked that he only call OW(ife) once a day like he calls me when he's overseas. 2. Don't call OW(ife) in front of me because it hurts. 3. Try to call me at least once a day when he is overseas. 4. I do not want to go shopping with him when he is buying gifts for the OC's.

He doesn't want restrictions. He tells me that I have known for 3 years now (actually on DDay he told me he divorced her and I found out the lie a year later)
I "spy" on him, or have other people spy on him (not true), Yes I have looked at the phone records.
I try to control him by putting restrictions on him.

I also don't know how to be in a relationship he tells me. People don't say, "So what do you want to do today?" (he did this in a mocking tone to make fun of me) "Normal" people tell others that they are going to do x and does the other person want to do it too.

Umm. I had told him that perhaps I could tolerate the sitch if she is there, I am here and he gives me my time as per his religion.
What he is calling "restrictions" are my boundaries.

I keep self doubting about the controlling part. I know I've been codependent with my mother, and probably with NPD. Yes, there are reasons, but I don't want to do that, not to fix our M, but for me.
LOL, he tells me he has been doing everything to fix our relationship

People tell me I've been depressed too long. My older sons tell me that I'm down all the time. My neighbor tells me that it's not good for the younger DS's to have a depressed mother.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 10:35 AM, July 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep-
You need to get some righteous indignation and anger going....
look at it as going into battle for the welfare of your children.
Your WW does not 'get it'.
She is in her own little selfish world...doing whatever makes 'her' happy without any thought as to the consequences.

You need to go to a lawyer and file. Speaking to her about this incident in front of a witness may help you to get some clarity or at least to have a witness to this insanity but I doubt that she will still have the money to repay you.
That money has been spent.
You need to get some advice from someone in a legal capacity as to what are your rights and what is the best way to proceed.

If you can't afford an attorney right now...maybe there's an agency that can offer advice?

so sorry for all that you are going through.
I know that you have tried to hang in there for as long as possible because you thought this was in the best interest of the kids...

but, it sounds like it's time to start moving faster on your plan.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep,
I third the "money is probably gone" and "see a lawyer yesterday" advice. I'm so sorry. She's a sneaky little asshole.

honest,
You are so far from controlling it's not even in the same solar system. NPD is projecting himself onto you (in addition to being an asshole). He's not talking about you. You are outside of his external dermal layer; therefore, you do not exist. He doesn't wanna do whatever teeny little thing you have asked, so he will try humiliating you into un-asking. I'm guessing because that's worked in the past? But this isn't the past. This is a whole new present.

I think I'll take the karma bus on my trip next week, maybe make a few stops along the way. ...in which box did I pack my Hitgirl costume?...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Q - How do you conduct a calm rational discussion with NPD?

A - You fucking cant

The money is gone - $4 in 2 months - WTF - her words (food & birthday presents for the kids).

I dont qualify for legal aid. Need to get 2nd job for 6 months to put money aside so i can move out; pay done as much debt as i can; am filing in jan once DD finishes year 8 (1st yr of high school) & summer holidays commence - hopefully real estate market may have slightly improved & sell the house by march/april.
MIL is very angry & disappointed with WW but agrees D is only solution.

Thanks Tribe


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry DP. :(

As for me, I am hanging in there, I guess. I think maybe he finally is realizing I will pull the plug. I wasn't kidding when I was filling out the papers. I will do it.

Since, he's been very attentive. He brought me flowers yesterday and wrote a card (which he never does).

It's just so hard to trust him, especially when things can get that bad that fast.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pack my Hitgirl costume

Nell - you in lyrca - WOW love to see that - you could also get a part in an action hero movie - so many about at the moment


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
We're here for you...keep venting....
what a difficult situation.
Do you still see a IC?
That was a life saver for me.

I am keeping you in my prayers.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 9:01 PM, July 19th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
inca
♀ Member
Member # 35298
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea how to jump into this 29 part thread - I don't even know how to read it! I am coming upon my 6 month mark to dday of a 2 year A. I don't know what I am doing. I can't figure out whether to stay or leave, with 3 kids (10, 8, and 4) to consider. He is trying and seems transparent and remorseful, but this is his 3rd A. (I learned about all 3 at once.) I just don't know what to do and having read about WS cheating even after appearing remorseful and doing the work to get over this makes me think I cannot trust him no matter what. How do you decide?

Posts: 129 | Registered: Apr 2012
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