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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,
You said it right at the start - NPD... its all about him & always will be about him. He is using you, blaming you, using guilt to control you.
Keep reaching out & be strong for yourself & your children as you know you all deserve so much better than this.
Thoughts & prayers are you
((honest))

EJ - take care of youself

M - A pleasant 20 degrees c where I am. Cant be comfortable being pregnant in that heat.Take care


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, DP, the special thing about the heat wave here was that it started with a huge storm that knocked out most of the power. So a good portion of the DC/Baltimore metro area got to go through the hottest stretch of weather ever recorded here with no A/C, ice, etc.

Fortunately, the Lord was smiling on me and I had power so it was more a matter of staying indoors.

Honest, you deserve more. I think you're fabulous. The only point I'm trying to make is that you have to be your own hero -- you deserve more, but he's not going to give it to you; you'll have to take it.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you DP and M3. I know this is a long time coming, but I felt like I was the one who lit the fuse of this explosion and I wasn't ready for it quite yet.

SOOOO much pain.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way to be ready.

It's kind of a Yoda thing: "There is no try, there is only DO."

Same with being ready; it's never a good time for the world to fall apart. But it does, just the same.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,
I think you ARE ready. If you weren't, you would have just sucked it up and acted the way you always acted. But you didn't. You spoke up. Why? Because you are ready. And your heart is racing and you're having anxiety because you're scared. That's okay. Change is scary, and big change is big scary. But you know what... I'm so proud of you. You took the first step. And now all you need to do is just keep walking (crawling, shuffling, stopping for a minute to catch your breath...). Good for you, honest!!! That's what I say!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. This feels as bad as DDay.

The worst thing is the silent treatment. I hate it. He won't talk at all, and I would love to just ask so what is happening now? What are we going to do?

I'm tired of walking on eggshells, but don't want another explosion.

DS 13 told me he heard his father yell at me "You're torturing me!!" Because when we had the argument I told him that I was hurt that he keeps calling her all the time and for the past few nights all he does is sit on the computer and doesn't even engage in conversation with the kids. I told him I feel hurt that he can call her all day long and not even talk to us. Yes, I was yelling, but he exploded with I was always banging on his head, I want to have him on a leash and just do what I want him to do.....

We were having the pool done, I just wanted to keep things calm until it was finished. I wanted to be the one who chose when to have "the talk". I feel like I couldn't even control myself, and he gets me so mixed up emotionally. Makes me feel like I'm the bad guy who doesn't understand that he's having big business problems and may not have any money and might lose the house over seas.

I'm sorry, I'm too emotional to even be rational. I'm falling in the trap owning the responsibility of all of the disagreements.
Tell me not to go in there and try to talk him into being nice and taking me back!
WTF is wrong with me?????


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-

This is NOT your fault. The blow up is not your fault.

Your NPD STBXH chose to go to his home country and marry his OW and have 3 children with her! That is outrageous!

He also told you (eventually) about many previous affairs throughout your marriage.

Forget about walking on egg shells!
Most women would have gone ballistic on this man!

You have been extremely kind and patient throughout this ordeal even though it has truly traumatized you.

Your main concern was the financial situation for you and your boys.
Your hope was that if you could 'appease' the NPD STBXH then maybe he would continue to support you and the boys until you figured things out.

And, you also harbored some hope that maybe.... he would change his mind and choose you and the boys over the OW/wife and the OC.

But, after his last few visits it seems obvious that he will not let her go.

Maybe because polygamy is still tolerated in his home country he was holding out hope that you would eventually accept this situation-that was when he suggested that he might bring the OW/wife and OC to the USA! To your house!

I know this is so hard for you.

I know that you have dealt with a lot of disappointment and heartbreak throughout your life.

You watched your first marriage fall apart due to infidelity and alcoholism.

You have had to deal with a very difficult, very negative BPD mother.
And, because you are the only child the brunt of her care is on your shoulders.

I know you carry a lot of guilt about her and how to deal with her in her old age.

so...many,many really tough situations to deal with.

and this final betrayal....a huge disappointment.

But, you are a lot stronger than you think.

With all of these difficulties you have raised a house full of wonderful, kind, well- adjusted boys.

You are a kind and valued friend to many.

You have worked as a teacher and I'm sure your students and your colleagues think the world of you!

You have always reached out to others on SI with wonderful, genuine advice and support.

You are a valuable person-you deserve so much better.

You've been walking on eggshells with the NPD for years now in the hopes that things will get better or if only you could keep the status quo you would keep the house for the sake of the boys.

But, really?
do you think this situation is really healthy for the boys?
do they want to see their mom treated this way?
what kind of life lessons is this teaching them?

Your older boys definitely want to see you get out of this situation.
They have expressed their fears to you. They fear for your physical and psychological well being.

Extreme stress and anxiety can make us sick.
Your boys need a healthy mom. Being around this NPD is not healthy for you.
He belittles and blames you.

How will the completed pool help you? Is the NPD talking about selling the house?

Have you had a chance to consult an attorney to find out if there is any way of forcing the NPD to pay child support if he escapes to another country?

And..if he does not pay child support did the attorney give you suggestions as to what your options are?

There must be a Women's Helpline in your area...maybe if you called they could offer some concrete suggestions to help you escape this very toxic situation.

You are a wonderful person and deserve so much better.
You are still young enough to have that life you deserve.
Like Nell said ...it's just a matter of taking that first step and then one step at a time....
once you get away from the grip of this NPD I predict that you will be able to breathe....and live that life you deserve.

sending you long distance hugs

[This message edited by njgal480 at 9:30 AM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

Like the others said this is not your fault. He made the choice to have two families. He is the cause of all this. Do not accept any of this blame shifting. Do not argue with him. You will not win. He will change the rules mid-argument just like my BPD W does to me and your BPD mom does to you. Try to rely on your experience in dealing with all this. He knows which buttons to push and will keep on till he hits the one he is looking for. KEEP posting and venting here. It is good for you.

Hugs,
Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ngjal: OMG, thank you, thank you , thank you for the wonderful validation. I'm so low, especially since I know he chose her.
BTW, he wasn't going to bring them to MY house, just here in the US. He wanted me to go overseas for another 8 years so the DS's could finish HS and then go to college there. Divide his time between me and the OW and OC's. Telling me I'll be happier there
You nailed everything on the head about how I was feeling. And how many times I had given up hope and then it would grow a little.
For what? To be loved. Just to be loved, really.

Dip, Thank you. You are right, he will change "rules" in the middle of the argument and because I'm in emotion mode, I get confused. You are right, I can't win, just like with Mom.

I'm shaking, I'm scared, I'm really trying to keep going.

It's just the prospect of losing everything, things that were mine, MY money. I know I'll have the boys,

and for what? because I couldn't accept this sitch? I was even trying to see it from his pov and his religion and telling him that in HIS religion if he does this everything MUST be equal between wives. Time, money, etc. I was asking him for MY time was all.

I'm talking like a crazy person.

I have to respect myself enough, but it's not there.

Yeah, I was banging on his head to give me something he can't give me: love, respect, time

I can't make anyone love me. But he kept saying he loved me, only me, etc.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 9:16 AM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - You asked, WTF is wrong with me? Absolutely nothing!!
You want to be loved, we all do and your NPD fucktard of a H is incapable of giving you his love. Needing to be loved, is one of our most basic needs and every one of us on d-day was broken because we realized that we were not loved during those years of our S's LTA's. It brought us to our knees and takes years to recover from this reality. I am coming up on 7 years post d-day and there are days it can still hurt as if d-day happened only yesterday.

Only when a FWS truly is remorseful, works at R, proves in all his actions that he is committed to saving the M, to healing us from their selfish, hateful behavior during their LTA, can we begin to believe that they really do love us and that we have made the right decision to fight for our M.

Your H is the ultimate example of NPD. Everything is and always has been about him. He is one of the most broken, if not the most broken, S I have ever read about on this site.

You have done everything you can to get him to love you but his heart is cold. I know it must be so hard to give up the dream but it seems from all that you tell us his selfish behavior toward you and your sons is only escalating with each visit to the states. That he can come here for his brief visits and sit in his room calling the OW(ife) when he already gives you so little of his time is reprehensible, IMHO. I wish with all of my heart that your anger would rise up inside you and break his hold over you. You deserve so much better. We met in person and I found you to be so warm, so compassionate and caring. You do not deserve to be treated in this manner. No one does.

Love is in your world. Your wonderful sons have so much love for you. Let their love comfort you and fill your heart. I know it is not the same as having a S's love but it can be very satisfying. My grandchildren fill up my heart with so much love and on days when I hurt it is there that I go to feel happy and at peace.

I loved NJgal's post to you. Everyone here cares about you and wants you to find a way to be free from your NPD H. Only you can decide that you've had enough. We will be here for you while you work on breaking those chains that keep you hoping for him to change.

(((((((((((Honest)))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you FNF. I'm really trying to see reality. he sits in the living room and is on the phone most of the time. I do know that the majority of it is his business and he's working from home. He is also speaking in his home language which I understand a little. Many times he would leave the room or sit outside when he calls her. this time he was doing it in front of me. Granted, I know that he's got 3 OC's and I told him I understand about talking to her once a day, but the phone records show that he calls her 10-15 minutes in the am, a few hours later another 15-30 minutes, a few hours later another 10-15 minutes etc which adds up to 45- 60 minutes a day and sometimes more. there were days that it added up to 2 hours. when he's overseas, he calls ME once a day or every other day from 10 minutes, sometimes 15 and that's it.

I guess I am crazy even arguing for "my time" in his religion. God help me

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 10:25 AM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hon. Get him out of there. Get a lawyer, go NC and let this dude go. NC will help a lot.

I really hurt for you.

My appointment with my new lawyer is scheduled for the 18th. Here we go. This is gonna suck.

Hey dip -- glad to see you post; thought the alligators had gotten you and maybe your grill too!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I'm so sorry. This is so extremely hard for you especially now. I pray that all will go well. Is there someone who can go with you for moral support?

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

Yes, they rely on the confusion to advance their position. My W is a master at that. I am simple and like to have a discussion stay on track. I often find that she has pushed the discussion in another direction and I did not even know what in the hell we were talking about. It leaves you feeling like you just brought a knife to a gunfight.........

M3.

Thanks. I have been up to my forehead in gators but I am still kicking and still grilling. I saw that kid on TV that lost his right arm to a real gator. Damn!! Scary. I may have to change my saying to being up to my ass/forehead in Yorkies or something like that.


Tribe, just reading the past few pages shows how awesome this LTA house is. Excellent thoughts and advice. You all deserve a pat on the back.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip -- I watched the movie where the teenage girl lost her arm to a shark with Paddy -- even at 2 her sense of humor is AWESOME -- she pointed to the birthmark on her shoulder and said "you know, I got bit by a shark."

That kid is a riot.

She tells everyone that now.

Is there someone who can go with you for moral support?

I am OK. I will go alone. If I can't come up with the amount of $ he needs to do the paperwork, etc. I might need to tell my parents and sister -- otherwise I am going to do my best to make sure I do WH the courtesy of him being the first to know IRL.

But I do think I'm going to do it Katie Holmes style. Nice, clean break.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33-
Paddy is so cute...and smart!
but..remind us next Wednesday so that everyone in LTA can send some good thoughts your way!
I like the idea of doing it like Katie Holmes! Nice, clean and quick!
You've done all that you can do.

And do..reach out to your family for help. That's what family is for.

Dip is so funny isn't he? up to my forehead in Yorkies! Funny stuff.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Possibly my sister. My mother is very, very sick right now. Her MS is acting up and she's on steriods and cannot have visitors because they've given her stuff to compromise her immune system in an effort to stop the auto-immune attack. :(

Looks like a 3BR apartment is coming open in my complex; this one does not have a garage so it is $365 a month less. Might be a good option. We'll see if it's open still if the lawyer thinks that's a good idea.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest and M3...Ginourmus hugs to both of you. I'm glad to see you are both able to post about things.

Sometimes it feels like we're running in circles doesn't it....

My best to all of you

jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hug!

Everything is going to pot around here, but I'm happy. Doc has my medicine just about right again, my kids are smart and gorgeous and loving and healthy, the pregnancy is uneventful and the baby appears healthy, and I've got 7 years of IC, and you guys, and so... things will change, probably dramatically, but it will be ok.

I have a strong suspicion that my life this time next year will be hardly recognizable from my life today, and that's OK..

Thanks for all of you, so very much.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 and Honest...

I think we all have some sort of purpose in life. It does not always appear to be a good thing when pain comes our way, but by taking actions, we can then head toward something bigger and better.

Peace!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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