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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats.. wow such a huge post with so little words. I was at the end of my rope in February and I was ready to S and D my wife over sex. I wanted her to go to sex therapy because I thought this was her problem. I was trying to fix her. I cannot fix my wife. Only she can fix herself.

My wife does not know I am in therapy, because this is about me, not her. It is me who accepts living a life not to my liking. I have grow to be a much stronger man today. The results are starting to show. My wife is starting to initiate sex and want to have sex with me again. I know it is working for us. So I will share a few things.

Tonight ended with more of her stating that no matter what she does I will never be happy.

She is not correct in saying this.. it’s a “poor me” statement.. But she may be making a good point I can say. Nobody but YOU can control your own mind brain. Only YOU can make yourself happy.

If you look at what gives you most happiness… Most of the time it is about giving or helping others. It is about laughing at stuff. It is about not associating yourself with people who make you think “down thoughts”; it’s about you not being so needy and accepting the blessings you have. It’s about letting bad things that happen to you… GO.


I asked what she had done to meet my needs, and there was nothing. Lots of work on her, but nothing to reach out to me.

A woman must WANT to fill your needs. This is what I now know in my sex therapy. I have grown to know that ATTRACTION is the only way someone will WANT to fill your needs. It this goes beyond just sex. It is about being strong and not a… me, me, me needy type mentality. Only when you know you have met 100% of you woman’s need to the best of your own ability, can you start conflicts and lead your wife to make her own choice… her own decision to want to fill your needs will be the only way you have your needs filled. And if she makes the choice not to fill your needs, she is breaking your vows and you bring on the consequences with courage.


I said again I want time together, contact, and yes I want sex.
YEP! A man will make sure he makes it perfectly clear what he WANTS. But it must be communicated in the proper way. Words mean things. They way you say things can place people in very defensive positions. Retrouvaille is a safe method of communication!


Instead if she thinks I am unhappy she withdraws.

ats.. Your wife has needs you might not be giving her. This seems to be very clear to me. These are needs she doesn’t even know she needs. This is a very important need for most all women. A woman wants a man who is masculine and a leader. A woman needs male approval. Your W needs YOU to take the lead and approve of her.

They showed information that some woman have made house husband out of there men because these men were.. nice. This nice man did everything for that woman. He ended up jumping at ever request so he could get sex. Over time, a man like this becomes a whiner for sex. “I did this, I was that, whine whine”, This man needs to look at himself! He allowed his woman to put him in a feministic role. This is opposite of what a woman needs to give a man sex. A woman like this will then finds a more masculine man for sex.. even at the expense of adultery. She is also the woman who cannot explain why she cheated. It is because she lost respect for this man. A woman must have respect for that man to qualify him for sex.


She will not flirt or make plans for time together for fear if she has to cancel I will be upset and hate her.


So rather than try to meet my wants and risk failing, she is passive and does nothing. For us to work I should do this, and I need to do that.


This goes back to leadership. For most marriages, a man is a leader and a woman is a follower. It is just that way. The fine woman here will kick the shit out of me for saying that. But they should not view this in a negative way.

I am going to make a point. Very few women are as big, quick, or strong as a man from a physical point of view. If a man and woman is walking and a man robber confronts them with risk of rape, injury… What man does a woman want?

a. A man who will look at his wife and say, I am going to kick the F out this man… then try and do it
b. A man who looks at his wife and says, it will be alright and over soon.
c. The woman says to her man, honey let me handle this.

Who is the knight in shining armor so many woman are taught from childhood, movies, books, soaps, etc.. That wife, that wimp, or that man? Sex is very much the same from that point of view.

She says with the OM it was the anticipation she enjoyed, not the sex. But with me there is no anticipation. When we do have sex once in 2 to 4 weeks she enjoys it, but there is no sense of bonding it love connected to it.

I have come to know that several things may be happening. Your wife may have disqualified herself from having sex with you. Feeling like shame and guilt. YOU need to figure out what will qualify you again.

In my case ats, I stopped romancing my W… I expected, whined, poor me, for sex. Some women here tried to tell me just stop wanting sex from my wife and maybe she will want it. With me, it was much more than that. For a woman to want to have sex with you, you need to increase your masculinity, you need to romance her, and you need to fill every need of a woman. You need to learn how to open up your partner to her inner sexuality because most every woman has it. You must first be attractive! Only then will a woman want to fill your needs.
And you know what? some woman, no matter what you do, how much you fill there needs, they will mess up there lives. Some woman don’t WANT to give you sex, willing, wantonly, to meet your needs on purpose. Many woman fail to understand the sex aspects that bring more happiness, meets that deep physiological need of every man. They are unable to communicate to you what they need so you will qualify for them to give you sex. They just won’t want to fill your needs and are hurt is such a way they cannot be happy. A man of value realizes this woman will never live up to meeting the vow and this man will find a new partner.
We as men need to fully be aware of this…. when a woman has sex with a man, That woman just told us, I totally approve of you. A whiny man may get sex for his own validation of love, but something always seems to be missing. A woman can give sex to a man and not get anything from it not even realizing what they just told that man. We think so different. Some men cannot see the lie… That was me once. NEVER AGAIN. A man of values never accepts this kind of sex. A man of value never accept obligatory sex.

OTOH, I am 52, and by the time I would D and find a new relationship I will not likely have much interest in sex, I find my "stamina" has already fallen off these last two years.

ats.. really? NO WAY brother. This is about your unhappiness.

YOU can be that 53% who has sex 50-60 years old at least once a week. 45% 60 to 70 years old and 21% over 70.. ME, I will be this when I am 70+ I am going to be in the 21% because I will do everything to be a man of good values.
But it is not just sex. A hug, saying she loves me, sitting with me would be great. But she is to nervous, I cause her anxiety so that she cannot sleep. She says she wants us to stay together, but I cannot understand why other than it is what "normal" people do and it is comfortable. I think it is up to me to pull the plug on this comatose relationship.

Yes, you might need to pull the plug. But you damn well make sure you are the kind of man a good woman will want in the future or you end up exactly where you are right now again! I suggest you go find a few books on meeting a woman’s needs. This has worked very well for me.


M3.. In my therapy, they say when your wife is pregnant, all bets are off! Nothing a man can do will bring rationality! LOL… So a man must be at his strongest and be aware, fill her needs to the fullest and extra! Her chemicals in her body and brain are at highs and lows and changing.

Peace!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:57 AM, June 9th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats-
so sorry that you are dealing with this!
It's hard enough to R after a LTA with an enthusiastic, remorseful FWS. I don't think that I could have done it without my FWH showering me with lots of attention and affection....
and also knowing that he finds me very attractive and pursues me all the time! LOL
As a matter of fact FWH is 61 and his interest in sex is on the above average range on Tryin's chart.

ats- you have many many healthy productive years ahead of you.
Your wife sounds chronically depressed and as if she has given up on life, on your marriage, on herself.
Is this really the way that you want to spend the rest of your life?
You know me... I'm a big cheerleader for reconciling after infidelity....

but...that's if your marriage post d-day has changed for the better and the WS has made huge changes in their way of thinking and acting etc.

A separation does not mean divorce. It might be helpful in your case. To get away on your own and just... live without this dark cloud over your head.
You deserve to be happy.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a pretty good weekend away with fWH. Time has a habit of moving on and DS17 is getting nearer to leaving school. We are starting to view this lovely house as no longer ours and to think of where we would like to live. Under normal, pre d-day circumstances, this would be a something to look forward to, a bit of an adventure after 18yrs being in the same house. I can actually choose where I would like to live. But it’s a dampened down enthusiasm, all the “what if's” creeping in. We stayed in a lovely little place with a super restaurant – really beautiful food. I did quite well, the fact it was a very small, intimate hotel (hotel? 8 rooms….) dating back to 1152. Yes, 12th century. So, not your normal run of the mill shag hotel. Although the hotel was lovely, staying in hotels hasn’t been a pleasure for me since d-day. I feel slightly grubby and worse, because it’s as if the sex is part of the package for fWH. Because sex means we are okay.

We as men need to fully be aware of this…. when a woman has sex with a man, That woman just told us, I totally approve of you. A whiny man may get sex for his own validation of love, but something always seems to be missing. A woman can give sex to a man and not get anything from it not even realizing what they just told that man. We think so different. Some men cannot see the lie… That was me once. NEVER AGAIN. A man of values never accepts this kind of sex. A man of value never accept obligatory sex.
I think my fWH needs to understand this. If we have sex, we must be okay – aren’t we? Um, no. Not necessarily. And while he and MOW were having sex, that meant the affair was still ongoing. Well, only because he made it so. She thought he was having sex because it confirmed their love for each other, he was having sex to keep her sweet and make her believe they were okay. Sex does funny things to people’s brain synapses and rational thought process.

And fWH won’t talk about the tailing off of sex or communication or affection in the last few months. Strange for a man who spends his working life talking. And so I drift further and further away.

OTOH, I am 52, and by the time I would D and find a new relationship I will not likely have much interest in sex, I find my"stamina" has already fallen off these last two years.
Huh? You are 52 – that’s 52, not 92! BTW, Mr UKg is 55 and, if I was currently so inclined, would have sex every day.

Tryn’s given a much needed chivvy up. Come on ats! When I think to before d-day, I viewed Mr UKg as someone I looked up to, someone who had my back, my partner and friend. While I was in the dark, he was still taking me out to dinner, rather than us just going out for dinner (although we did that impulsive thing too, for us), him buying me something while out shopping (“I’d like to buy that for you”), it might only have been a printed t-shirt or a hat, but it was for me. And I’d make him feel cared for by asking him if I could get him a drink when he got in from work, or if it was too late for dinner, if I could make him a snack.

I’m very aware that things have changed. I will never love Mr UKg to the same depth and completeness as before. He, on the other hand, seems to love me more than ever. But everyone is right – happiness comes from within. You can fuel your sense of happiness with a feeling of fulfilment with your partner and be happier than ever. But the nugget of happiness is inside you. It becomes self fulfilling. A lifestyle choice, if you like.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG -- I'm glad you had a good weekend away!

M3.. In my therapy, they say when your wife is pregnant, all bets are off! Nothing a man can do will bring rationality! LOL… So a man must be at his strongest and be aware, fill her needs to the fullest and extra! Her chemicals in her body and brain are at highs and lows and changing.

Yes, tryn. I am my own special brand of crazy right now.

BUT ... if my husband spent less time whining about sex and flirting with whoever this former HS chick is and more time courting he would get better results.

He lacks empathy as a human being though. At my second visit to his IC -- his IC and I were chatting (WH was deliberately 40+ minutes late, but ha! I booked 2 hours, sucker) anyway, I mentioned something, his IC said ... well, was he empathetic and I said "actually,yes" His IC was in complete shock.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33-
I'm still shaking my head over the fact that your WH is continuing to behave in inappropriate ways.
Sexting with an old high school
friend is not something that married men do...especially if they are hoping to reconcile after a long term affair!
There is something not right with this guy.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this crap while you are expecting.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday came & went...forgot about it actually as I was busy with work & the kids & then I had a dream about her being pregnant...wtf...any over that pretty quick ..its only a dream.
Ive only skimmed the last few pages but ATS - I'm only 51 & I want sex at least twice a day .
& thats after the 1.5 hrs training everyday.
M33 & UK Girl - all I can say is they dont deserve you.

Take care Tribe
Has anyone seen my wetsuit?


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, June 12th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep.

I have your wetsuit. I thought it would be neat to wear while grilling. Sort of a new fashion statement.

Ats.

You are not that old.....


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep, glad your antiversary came and went without notice. I have a crap month for June. And July. Still, I’m away for most of it and fWH and I will be ships passing in the night other than our week in Italy.

Dreaming of your WW being pregnant – let’s hope it means new beginnings and a new life for you, but you just have to wait a little.

Dip - I bet you look dandy in it!

Hoping that the quiet thread means everyone is okay.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - you are not old....and yet, here I am feeling OLD...like who would want me at my age?

I deal with a lot of men on a daily basis (all work related). Yesterday I had a business lunch with an attorney I also deal with on a weekly basis. My H asked me why I was having lunch with him AGAIN. (Last time I had lunch with him was 6 months ago) I explained it was business related. He got mad and said, "you better not get caught." Now he isn't speaking to me. He's gone to IC today. His issues are drowning me.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Nofun... Let's see...

Your pic you once show us all told my brain you are pretty cute.

And you have a business says you to me you have a brain. I bet you can have some pretty interesting conversations with a man

Then you have kids means you are probably nurturing, caring and all that stuff.

Never once saw a ugly post by you and that has been a couple years.. a few vents but we all can understand that.

And if you would have sex with a man a couple times a day (Not all of us need it that much like Deep though.. lol)

You must be Ok at forgiving since you are still married.

All make for this word… Attractive

of course someone would want you…. 15-20 million unmarried (45-65)available men in the US. I guess your H also thinks a lawyer might want you too…

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:51 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tryn...you made me smile.

There are really that many men available?

I just want to get along, keep the family together, smile, have fun and H just doesn't get it. He wants all of my attention, every waking second. He even has his desk in my office. I'm smothering!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Edited because it was nonsense. I'm just tired.

Can't share people it's just all too hard.

FWH has slipped up again. Not infidelity related but not supporting me when it counted.

HUGS to all.

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:20 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun, can he pronounce "projection"? Ugh on the smothering. It would be way too much for me, too.

Oh, Laura. I'm so sorry. Let us know if we can jump in with virtual shoulders to cry on.

XOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mojo Needed..... Tonight marks the 7th anniversary of the day my FWW threw our marriage of 24 years(at the time) away. She put down the first time the official screwed him in her timeline.
It's been 3 years since DDay, which is in 2 weeks, and I've been doing fairly well but today it is just eating the hell out of me. Why, did she have to go and do this? Why couldn't she just leave? She is doing the right things now but we are at best "good friends". I just don't have that excitement to be with her or that joy that comes from doing little things for her anymore. I am just really having a miserable day and I'm sorry to come here and let it out but this is the only place where people really and truly know what I mean.
I still read here every day and keep tabs on all of you and want you all to know I still think about you every day whether I post here or not.

jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jollum- so sorry that you are struggling today.
It is hard. It took me over 4 yrs to start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was still pretty up and down about things 3 yrs post d-day.
And now.. 5 yrs post d-day I still think about the affair every day. The pain is not the same though.
It's like a scar. When you look at it you remember how you got it but it doesn't hurt anymore. It will begin to fade with time but never totally disappear.

But, again... that's how reconciliation after a LTA works if you have a very remorseful FWS that is willing to do everything and anything to help the BS heal from the trauma.

Laura- Sorry that your FWH has disappointed you once again.
Vent away if you need.

Nofun- It definitely sounds like he is worried that you may have one foot out the door.
What is the solution?
Would you consider couples counseling again? Or are you done?
I wrote about this a few days ago- another SI friend of mine- LTA survivor was struggling about the LTA for 6 yrs. Still thought about divorcing her husband daily. Was very disappointed in herself for not divorcing him after d-day because she felt it showed weakness.
Well... she decided to try Retrouvaille. She and her husband are not Catholic and not particularly religious so she was wary about going....
and she has been raving about the experience ever since.
She says it was the final puzzle piece that she needed. That it was life altering for them.

I know Tryin speaks highly of the program as well.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Nell

(((Jollum)))

(((Fun)))

NJ - I wish they had Retrouvaille in Oz!!!!

Gotta Run

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:46 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
DestroyedDad
♂ Member
Member # 33525
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum,

Mojo Needed..... Tonight marks the 7th anniversary of the day my FWW threw our marriage of 24 years(at the time) away.

Mojo thrown your way... I hope your day has turned somewhat for the better.

Today is the 11th anniversary of my WW's first decision to destroy our then 10 year marriage by engaging in a PA with her boss. D-Day anniversary (1 year) is coming up for me later in the summer.

Today has been rough for me, too. I only found out the date through sleuthing - there has been no timeline from my WW...so sad when I think that SHE was only married to me for 10 years while I was married to HER for almost 19.

I think I'm gonna pour a stiff drink, call it a day and just go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

A better tomorrow is my wish for all of you.

DD


D-Day - 8/18/11
Me: BH - 42
Her: WW - 42
Kids - 14 & 9
OM: 63 - her boss
Headed for S then D.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: USA
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Laura)))
(((Jollum)))
(((ats)))

And hugs for anyone I missed. I've been reading on my phone when I can, just got a computer back.

Things here have gone from bad to worse.

He's threatening to call a lawyer every time we fight anymore, he doesn't want to do this anymore. Seems this mess he created is "too hard".

Our anniversary is next week, and we are a few weeks from the first antiversary. I'm struggling pretty bad.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my WH and I went to a MC that is connected to his SA treatment. I have been asking him for full disclosure. I have had so many questions that I needed answers to and he has been very
reluctant to divulge. I would get bits and pieces. My story is pretty long and involved (see profile) After the 2nday in 10/11 and then the confrontation where I told him I knew he was still at it -even though we have been in MC for 2 years, I found out another ow. After some snooping I was able to find out that she has been around at least since 2006. My wh told me only the past 10 months. Well, after I confronted him about this and told him to leave
be begged to stay and he would do whatever it takes (again?) NC everyone
etc. I then asked how long has this new ow really been around. He asked if we could go see the couples therapist at his SA institute. I agreed.
We had the meeting yesterday. I spoke up right away and laid it on the line.
I'm not here for MC I'm here to get answers and until I do, I am going no further. I think the MC was a little taken back but she went along with it and said she usually waits after a few sessions but if he was comfortable okay with her. So, I turned to my wh and asked him AGAIN how long has this lasted. How long has this one that I just discovered really been in your life? Very quietly he says..since 1975. 1975!!! He said it was off and on over the years. She would go away and be in another relationship (she never married) then when that was done she call him and suggest they get together as "friends" And my fucked up, sick wh went right back everytime. She has been around for almost all our married life!! Of course, this didn't stop him from having other A's with numerous when and escorts
that I did find out about.
Now, I had been preparing myself for this meeting and I promised myself that whatever he told me I would not go crazy in front of him or MC and I was able to do that. I sat there very calmly and asked more questions and he answered them. But, I actually felt like someone literally kicked me in the stomach.
How the hell could this have gone all this time? How could I be such a fool. He say he has NC with her now but she has tried to call numerous times, crying etc. But , he says he has not seen her and the last time she called he hung up on her. Whether this is true or not, who knows. He said that for the past five years he has tried to end many times
because she was crazy and he had other pursuits. She threatened suicide or to contact me so he continued with her.
I want to hurt her. I want to destroy her. I want her to suffer like I have. Part of me wants to confront her
but I know it would be useless and make me look more pathetic. It bothers me that this whore has been in my life and I don't even know what she looks like. I tried to facebook her but no luck. I have this impulse to call her and I might but not yet, I'm too angry.
My thoughts are all over the place right now. From rage to extreme sadness.
As for him, I'm numb ,again, I can hardly look at him. I still have a lot of questions about this affair. We are going back to see this MC in a few days so I am laying low and not talking about it. At this point I did tell him thank you for finally telling me the truth because that's all I wanted. Whether this will help me or whether i decide that this M
is over at least I have (I hope) all the pieces of the puzzle of my life.

M-BS
Him-WH
M-41
Dday#1, 11/09, Dday#2 10/11 and many more since.
PA's too many to count
LTA's too many to count- One that has lasted since 1975.
Escorts, etc way too many to count
Broken Heart - too many times to count
R? can't even think about it yet.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 414 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mojo for jollum, wye too, hang in there guys

I left today to spend a week on travel (actually in Tryn's state) in Indianapolis. Last night FWW spent the evening cleaning the house for her sister visiting. We have been pretty distant the last week, but she has been busy with her sister a couple of days. I did some cleaning and laundry last night, no thankyou from FWW just told me I did not need to feel obligated to help. I assured her I was not doing it out of obligation.

I have been looking up and reading about attachment disorders. I suspect I was / am in the anxious-preoccupied grouping while FWW is clearly fearful - avoidant. If I am not constantly fanning the relationship and constantly putting on an act that all is wonderful FWW withdraws. I can be OK when she withdraws, but the more time I spend being OK on my own, the more I am OK on my own.

After last weekend when she went with me to visit my Mom in the hospital, we have not spenat any time together, and obviously will not for the week I am gone. When I get back it will be up to me if I want to reconnect the relationship. FWW I think is OK "being married" living in the same house, raising our kids, spliting expenses, but has said she would be OK never having sex again. She would just keep dogs.

So there it is for me, if I want a relationship that is a friend I sometimes do thigs with and have a history and good time it is FWW. If I evedr want an intimate and supportive relationship I will first need to D.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

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