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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow UKGirl....when I read your posts, I feel like I'm reading about My Life.

I too do everything. My H would be screwed if I threw his ass out, which I tried doing numerous times only he wouldn't and still won't go.
He can't even boil water if his life depended on it.

OW was a nurse who worked in a nursing home. I told him if he needs nursing care, that's where he's going. She can wipe his ass, because I'm all done with that.

Last night I was walking with DD29, and she told me that she thought I was a strong woman who held her family together and never gave up. Then she said, "I just hope that what happened to you, never happens to me." It's been 3 yrs since Dday and my DD29 and DS27 now talk about the A to me more than ever.

My son told me last week that he thinks his father is a dirtbag and it has changed the way he views his dad. He also told me that when he was younger, he often saw his dad in a phone booth down town. He asked him one day why he would use a phone booth with a calling card instead of his cell phone. FWH gave him a lame excuse and my son said he believed him although he thought it was weird. Now he says he keeps going back in his mind and now knows why some of the things he witnessed and heard were "weird." He said, who would ever think your father would have risked his whole family for some ugly skank.

Does anybody else's adult kids bring up the A? Just curious.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun
Does anybody else's adult kids bring up the A? Just curious.

No, not my kids any more. The first year I told them to stay out of it. And that is exactly what I would tell them today.

I will tell them this... It was a dark period in my life. Very few people ever make it through life without some sort of trauma. The trauma may be people you care die die unexpectedly; you have a terminal illness, a natural disaster, war, sexually assault or a strong emotional relationship betrayal. How you cope during your grief, how you end the grief is critical for your own happiness.

ats.. I hope your mom's surgery went well.

M3.. Yes I like those numbers.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, not my kids any more. The first year I told them to stay out of it. And that is exactly what I would tell them today.

Wow. My father's A had such a heartbreaking affect on me for many different reasons...I am so glad both of my parents were willing to help me through that by sharing their thoughts...and didn't just tell me to butt out.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 8:40 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

coastofsomewhere

My IC told me that is what I needed to do. My kids discovered from a neighbor kid. I have no doubt my kids hurt. What they learned is that pain is part of life. I saw it in my daughter. She told my W she hated her. I told her to butt out, it is none of her business. They saw me in pain too.

All of our situations are different. My kids were older. My son was at college. My daughter a Junior in HS. Age is a factor.

Throughout her 8 year A, I do not know if my kids saw the lies my wife told me so she could continue her A. But I do know today my wife is now teaching my kids a model of new healthy behaviors.

What my kids can see today is that my wife and I are now in a very loving, caring, happy marriage. They can see their father as a strong man who has the ability to forgive the unforgivable.

It worked for us in my situation and with certainty my IC was correct.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn, maybe it's different if you divorce. I don't know.

not even knowing the pin number? So funny!!!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
coastofsomewhere
Member
Member # 3624
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryin...I was 20 when I found out.

My IC told me that is what I needed to do. My kids discovered from a neighbor kid. I have no doubt my kids hurt. What they learned is that pain is part of life. I saw it in my daughter. She told my W she hated her. I told her to butt out, it is none of her business. They saw me in pain too.

Wow...again.

And I'm glad you and your wife are being a good model today...that doesn't make the heartache from the past go away though. Sometimes it lies beneath the service just waiting to explode...I hope that isn't the case for your children. I wonder, will you be so dismissive of them again...if it does?

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 12:05 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 5203 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: on the coast of somewhere beautiful
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not even knowing the pin number? So funny!!!
Yeh, except he had his phone locked with a PIN, and that number was................ OUR FUCKING ANNIVERSARY!!!!! He would punch in the PIN to open his phone to contact his fucking girlfriend! Respect for our marriage = zero.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Mom's surgery went well; she is on the road to recovery.

I think the mirroring comments are spot on. So now do I want to be in a relationship where the full responsibility for the "mood" is on my shoulders? I am disappointed that after a few months of being much better, sex is now back to once a month or so, and this is with FWW getting the T shots that were supposed to boost her interest. Hard to feel attractive and loved when your T-spiked W doesnít feel aroused and sex when it does occur is only after drinking and late at night, last thing before bed. Never sober, planned for, special, or flirting texts/photos like she did with OM.

As for the discussion of children knowing... Both of FWW's DDs (my stepdaughters) knew of her A's while they were going on. In retrospect, one did try to give me a heads up, and her Mom exploded that night. I have mended the bridge with that DD, the other hates me and blames me for all that is wrong in her life. Our older son was away at college at dday, but our youngest son (14 at the time)was around for some of the very intense fighting, and when I moved out. I do not know what the boys know. I suspect they know. If the youngest did not figure it out, I suspect their sisters might have told them.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:40 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

coastofsomewhere

I am sure my kids have no heartaches today or buried resentments. I think my son made one comment since... "I'm glad you both stayed together"


At the time, my DD had issues with her mom. Today, My W has made some sort of amends. My W and DD are very close.


I think the main reason the IC didn't want the kids involved because they might get in the middle. They didn't have to take sides with all the negativity involved. The less they know, the better; so no resentment sets in.


Today, if they want to know details, no, I am not going to give it to them. Iíll keep it simple. We both make mistakes and it was a dark period in our lives. It had nothing to do with you. . Iíll just move the conversation to a topic of marriage relationships. What you have when it is healthy and what is not healthy. What are good boundaries, what are not; Stages every marriage will go through, the needs of both a men and woman and tips on what you do to stay strong, loving, ending in happiness. Stuff like that. This is a teaching moment to be passed down.

M3.. if we did D, then yes, it might be different.

ats.. glad you mom is recovering well.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad my kids are talking about it. They express their feelings instead of keeping it pent up inside. My kids were also out of the house and on their own when Dday occured.

I will never forget the day I found out (dday). I had my door closed in my office and I was sobbing with my head on the desk. My son had never seen me this way and when he asked what was wrong I told him. He hung his head in his hands and sobbed with me.

I don't bring the A up to them, but if they want to talk about it, I will talk.

I guess everybody's situations are different.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun-
my kids both know about the LTA. After d-day I was a wreck and my DD (age 22 at the time) was planning to move back home in a few weeks. I had to explain why I was a total emotional wreck. My DS (age 24 at the time) was told about the LTA by my DD.

They were both extremely supportive of me and very upset with their father.

But, over the past few years they have forgiven their father...

He did speak to both of them after d-day and he apologized to them and they saw how remorseful he was.
They have also seen alot of changes in him in terms of his sobriety, attending AA, and general change in attitude.
He is a much better father-kinder, more attentive, more giving.

I do not regret telling my children.

They have not mentioned it in years...although I have! LOL.

If they wanted to discuss it I would.

I think my kids are happy to see our marriage survive this mess.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 5:49 AM, June 8th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mom's surgery went well; she is on the road to recovery.
Wonderful news, Ats!

{{{UKgirl}}} Can't believe the gall of your H in using your anniversary as his PIN while cheating on you! Sometimes I don't know which is worse... knowing details as you do or being in the dark, as I am about most of the A.

My DS33 and my DD31 know of my H's affair. I blurted it out to DS33 when he asked how I was (he lives on the West coast). His then GF/SO blind-sided my DD with the info one night at the bar when she was visiting. My H has talked to both of them... so have I. It's not brought up anymore (swept under the rug, IMHO).
My oldest DS35 is unaware of his father's A as far as I know. His relationship with us (my H & I)is "arm's length" since we moved to another city for 5 yrs and he stayed at H's mom's to go to university. Now that we are back, he says he 'forgets' that we're here & to me, seems not to want to know much about our lives. I love my kids and this is so hard to take.
One more stressor in my life - Saturday is our wedding anniversary. Looked at cards today... came home empty-handed. Next wk-end we are to celebrate H's bday, s-i-l's bday, and Father's Day. June can be a difficult month.
Did I mention I'm out of Xanax so have to contact the pharmacy?

Thanks for listening/reading. {{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsoul-
what helped in terms of celebrating anniversaries was to think of it as a celebration of our 'new' marriage.
Can you see your reconciliation as a second chance for your marriage and your family? a second chance to get it right?
As for cards-there are always blank cards where you can write as little or as much as you like. Gifts could be things both of you can enjoy....tickets to a local play, musical performance, concert, sporting event, movie theater, gift card to a fancy restaurant...make it something that you want to do!how about a side by side couples massage?

you deserve to be treated like a princess....be proactive and try to make yourself feel better.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 5:46 AM, June 8th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H also apologized to two of the kids, but not the older one. She doesn't speak of the A. She (DD33) was also daddy's little girl. So that's a tough one.

My H retired and now works with me. Being with me all day has it's challenges but we get along ok. But I am now seeing all the lies, exagerations, ommitions, forgetting, whatever.....and it's maddening.

Not sure what to do about this problem of his, I've talked to him about it and he denies, denies, denies and lies more.... Then he tells me I misunderstood him.

It's funny, I never noticed it was so bad before. Imagine living your life this way? And the sad part is I think he believes his lies. Does this go hand in hand with infidelity? I'm starting to wonder.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun..
H also apologized to two of the kids
I think that is a very stand up thing to do. I think this is pretty critical for someone to make amends with the kids... But mainly to you!

Not sure what to do about this problem of his

I think you point it out to him every time you catch one. But never argue over it. Just communicate it.. listen, Then go about your business.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone ....been out of commission for a while. He broke my computer after a big fight. :(

I need some support today. Went to a friends last night, got to talking and time got away from me. I honestly didn't check my phone and didn't realize how late it got. When I did check it, I had angry messages from him and a gps request.

He actually accused me of being "somewhere else".

He knows damn well where I was, who I was with and that we can talk for hours. Telling me about how I owe him common courtesy.

I didn't hear from him literally for years. I never knew who he was really with or what he was really doing. He didn't bother coming home plenty of times.

But now he's pissed at me. None of what he did before matters, and I am wrong in his eyes.

I was gone about an hour longer than anticipated, mostly because there was a huge t-storm....and he immediately leaps to accusing ME of lying?????

I'm so tired.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worst-year-ever

Sounds like he is insecure... And no wonder. gps request? what for?

I know when I was at your post dday time frame, it was the worst for me. Something must change. Have you considered Retrouvaille?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
friend of mine that is 5 ys post d-day just went to Retrouvaille and says it was life changing for her!
She had been 'stuck' for many years and not able to 'get over' certain aspects of her FWH's LTA.
Retrouvaille has helped them to communicate about the infidelity and their marriage in a way that they were never able to do in the past.

I know that you found Retrouvaille extremely helpful as well.

nofun-
some of what you are describing sounds like an alcoholics 'stinking' thinking.
That is something that they address in AA meetings.
Lying and grandiose exaggeration etc. are often part of an alcoholic's toxic way of dealing with the world.
As I've said before- the fact that my FWH got sober and began to attend AA meetings was a huge factor in my decision to reconcile.
His going to IC and to AA gave me tangible proof that he was committed to making real changes in himself.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight ended with more of her stating that no matter what she does I will never be happy. I asked what she had done to meet my needs, and there was nothing. Lots of work on her, but nothing to reach out to me. I said again I want time together, contact, and yes I want sex. Instead if she thinks I am unhappy she withdraws. She will not flirt or make plans for time together for fear if she has to cancel I will be upset and hate her. So rather than try to meet my wants and risk failing, she is passive and does nothing. For us to work I should do this, and I need to do that.

She says with the OM it was the anticipation she enjoyed, not the sex. But with me there is no anticipation. When we do have sex once in 2 to 4 weeks she enjoys it, but there is no sense of bonding it love connected to it.

OTOH, I am 52, and by the time I would D and find a new relationship I will not likely have much interest in sex, I find my"stamina" has already fallen off these last two years.

But it is not just sex. A hug, saying she loves me, sitting with me would be great. But she is to nervous, I cause her anxiety so that she cannot sleep. She says she wants us to stay together, but I cannot understand why other than it is what "normal" people do and it is comfortable. I think it is up to me to pull the plug on this comatose relationship.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS --

I honestly think she has nothing to give. Some people are takers.

I can't tell you what to do -- but if your main reason not to D is because you think you won't find someone else -- that's what you need to think about / work on.

FYI -- my aunt became a widow at 57, she was remarried within 3 years. My XMIL -- she was widowed in her early 50's as well and also remarried within a few years. Both are very happy in their new marriages.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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