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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard - Thank you for your positive thoughts and words. You are so right the hurt from his willing betrayal will never subside. You mentioned that I can decide to change my negative thoughts to positive ones. That sounds good in principle but hard to put into action...In so many ways it's easy if I block out the past and focus solely on the present but for so many years I've felt that so much was left unsaid which has made me mistrust the sincerity of his current actions. He is more affectionate and attentive than before, and I am grateful 'but' I'm always second guessing his motives, simply because he never had to work to remain in our marriage, all he had to do was attend MC, get kicked around a bit and only admit the most benign things to stay in our marriage.

Riding Healing Rd - Thank you for understanding my need for the truth. However I know one day it will be buried with the only two people who know it. In so many ways I'm so angry at myself for not leaving or throwing him out when I learned that he was having an A. I never realized that it was an LTA, and had I known then what I know now this story would be much different.

UKgirl - You are so right on the night I confronted him he denied virtually everything. Then he caught a bad case of the "I don't knows" and "I don't remembers", which he is still afflicted with all these years later. I'll never know the details and perhaps I don't want to, however I'd like to know some of the specific gifts exchanged (which is how I discovered this in the first place) and I'd like him to admit the extent of the PA, and for how long their contact continued afterwards. I have never been able to confirm continued communication, but these days additional cell phones, direct lines, and the delete button makes my job as an novice sleuth much more difficult.
However I am so conflicted that our MC would advise Denial. How can anyone trust after betrayal if denial is part of the equation?

Thanks for letting me ramble on...


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WYE))) This beyond sucks.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
salsagrl
♀ New Member
Member # 32522
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello - although I've been lurking & learning here on SI for almost a year, this is my first post. My fWH? has been doing things right according to the letters & articles I have shown him from this site.
My problem is that I feel like he stole 15 years of my life. While he was out having fun, I was taking care of our boys ( now 25 & 28), our home on 30 acres with horses, and I felt like I was a single mom because he traveled so much.
How do you reconcile 15 years of lies? I feel like I should be compensated I some way for all the skimping I did to make ends meet while he was taking various OW to resorts in Mexico, Brazil, & even Miami.
How do you get over the extreme pain & feelings of betrayal? How are you able to begin to trust again?


Me- BW (55)
WH (56)
M 32 yrs
DDay - 12/21/2010 TT for 10 months!!!
LTA 15 yrs?
At least 10 OW... Some ONS... 4 were LTAs

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Kansas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenworld-
I needed to know everything....and I mean everything.
I kicked him out fo the house after d-day and we were separated for 6 months.
During that time we slowly started to reconnect...MC....he was in IC.... we would meet for lunch etc.
And because he was out of the house and desperate to save the marriage he gave up more detailed information.
I also dug and dug. Even when I was convinced I would divorce. That's my personality. I'm a chronic worrier etc. and also have to analyze everything.
I contacted the MOW's husband who gave me the most information but I also contacted the MOW, co-workers, my FWH's boss, his friends...I was crazed...
and each time that I got a little more information I would confront FWH and he would be forced to give me more info.
It's like the article in the Healing Library that describes the BS need to know...to a puzzle....
and needing to put all of the pieces together.
So...I totally relate to what you are feeling. I was one of those that needed to know everything.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

salsagirl-
one thing that I say is that I do not regret being there for my children and family during the LTA years.
My FWH missed out on the 'real' fun. I didn't miss anything.
I would never in a million years want to trade places with the MOW giving BJs in parking lots to a drunken depressed middle aged man.

You were living a life of value and integrity while your WH was leading a toxic life.

But, now... is he trying to make amends to you for all the years of loss?
Has he been treating you to vacations? buying you gifts? treating you the way that you deserve to be treated?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't reconcile 15 years of lies. It can't be done. What was taken from you cannot be returned or repaid.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi salsagrl

Welcome

I know just how you feel and if you read my profile you will know why.

I wish I had the answers. My FWH is very remorseful and is doing almost everything right but I too still feel resentment for the "lost years".

I feel like I should be compensated I some way for all the skimping I did to make ends meet

I also have felt this. Both FWH and I worked full time and also bred racehorses. (I earnt almost twice as much as him!) Money was tight while he spent thousands each month on feed and vet bills and of course there was never anything left for holidays or nights out etc. All the time I worked gruelling hours outside the home, caring for the house, kids, shopping, cooking - because he was too "busy" to help - Geez. And feeding fucking horses in the rain etc etc etc etc while he was at work evenings. I now know he swapped shifts with others so his mornings would be "free".

And all that time he was off whoring.

Yep. It sucks big time. But honey there is NOTHING we can do to get back those years. They are gone. What we need to do is to make the most of the rest of our lives. The anger will never really go away. I know I will always resent what he did but.....the anger is dulling a little.

In my case, I have decided that now is MY time.

NOW I deny myself very little. I am sensible but if I want it and it's reasonable I get it.

My Mum died two years ago (21st May). I received a small inheritance from her estate. It had always been my dream to take my children to Europe. Before dday I always found lots of reasons not to do what I wanted (usually because it was too expensive).

When this money arrived the pre dday me would have said "Use it to help pay off the mortgage or the credit cards". The post dday me says "Use it to do what YOU want to do".

I have put the $$ into a separate account. Have told FWH I will spend it on what I want. He has never queried this. So we are going to Europe with the children for a month. The trip will eat up almost half of my inheritance. But I don't care. Next year FWH and I will perhaps go to Vietnam or Thailand for a couple of weeks. I will use the $$$ to travel which was always my dream. I never have travelled. Now I will. I am reclaiming my future.

So - I agree with m334455

You don't reconcile 15 years of lies. It can't be done. What was taken from you cannot be returned or repaid.

It can't be done. The only solution for some might be S/D.

For a variety of reasons that's not what I want.

What I am trying to do is find a future for me where I feel satisfied.

It is hard to explain but I suppose that in a way I am saying "I did without for many years. He abused me. While I tried to build a future for US, there was no US. While I "did without" for OUR financial well-being he blew everything we had on his horses(and had his OWs).

Yes it was a real slap in the face when dday hit.

But nothing can change what they did.

I have found a way to deal with it.

You have to find your own way of dealing with it.

Quite a while ago I asked all the LTAers to tell me their dreams. If money was no object, what would you do with your life? We all shared our dreams. Mine was that if I decided to leave FWH I would go and live in a little cottage somewhere in the south of France.

I'm not doing that (just yet!) but I am going to spend 8 days in Paris!!!!!!!

Without a dream we have no hope for the future.

Perhaps consider your dream. You may not be able to bring it to complete fruition but even a taste of it might help you through this mess.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone...I'm a wreck. He lied about it initially, because that's what he does whenever I confront him with information. Then he admitted it. He claims he was just having doubts, that he searched OW, clicked on one link and immediately closed it after he realized how wrong it was.
I really don't think he understands why this is a big deal.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Hey WYE.. If I was in your shoes, I would give your H a chance to love you. I think his lie is about not wanting to hurt you. He must still have lingering thoughts about his OW. So you know, every once in a while, I can think about old GF’s. Can you? It would be totally different if he was cheating again. As hard as this sounds and hard to take, it took my W a while to fall out of love with her OM. All you can do is try hard to meet your man’s needs. Those are within your own power. If for whatever reason he takes advantage of you, does not accept your invitations, does not want your love, your values as a woman should be that no matter how bad it will hurt, no matter anything, you will only M to a man who loves only YOU.

You can let this go or bring on a conflict over this. It sounds like you already said some things. Your conflict could be heavy or light depending on what you want to do. Your conflict could be something like this… I’ll give you some ideas… I would not get into any heavy conversations at this point. They will only lead to a whole bunch of misery.

End consequences
“H, after stumbling across you search, I can see you might have feelings for someone else. I am doing the best I know to love you and obviously that is not enough. You are free to leave and I will stop loving you.”

Hang On Consequences
“H, after stumbling across you search, I can see you might have feelings for someone else. I am doing the best I know to love you and obviously that is not enough. I am nearing the end of this chapter of my life.” This is your final shot across the bow…

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:42 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice Laura.
I also now put myself first (although I have to admit my adult children are still right up there...LOL).
Luckily for him my FWH is on the same page.
I was never a primadonna in our marriage. Like you I did it all....while my FWH used to go out with his drinking buddies after work due to his stressful life....I would rush home after a full day of work to start my other full time job which was super mom, super wife, super volunteer etc.
I wouldn't change those years....I enjoyed every minute that I spent involved with my kids.
But now... my FWH treats me like a princess and I accept it. I used to tell him that I didn't need anything for my birthday, anniversary etc.
Not anymore.
He buys me flowers, gifts. We have gone on extensive vacations every year since d-day. He does everything around the house.
He does everything that he can to make amends for the betrayal of the LTA.
Will I ever totally 'get over' it?
Probably not. Will I ever forget about it? probably not.
But, like Laura says... I too focus on today. ANd what my life is like now.
It took me years to get to this point. I had to question and analyze every detail of the LTA and our marriage in order to process the whole mess and be able to R.
I still think about it every day-obviously...LOL..because here I am on SI over 5 yrs post d-day.
But... I said that I would survive the infidelity and even thrive.
I'm working on it.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

salsagrl... The ladies say it well..

NJgal.. I think you are here for us... because you have a purpose in life to comfort people who are going through infidelity.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wye)))

I'm so sorry. I think that would be a dealbreaker for me, too. That is hardly mental NC, is it?

I hope he understands the gravity of it.

I am still debating whether to tell MOW's BH that she was looking me up on LinkedIn recently. If she was looking up fWH it would be a no brainer.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Nov 2010
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had other people try to compare what he did to "looking up an old girlfriend".

First of all, I wouldn't be okay with that to begin with.

Second of all, she is NOT an old girlfriend, she is a former AP, who betrayed me as much as he did.

They are not even close to the same thing.

She is one of the people he chose to violate our marriage vows with. That he has had absolutely no contact with in 8 months, yet clearly is still thinking about.

He's still got her in his head as an option.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenworld,
However I am so conflicted that our MC would advise Denial. How can anyone trust after betrayal if denial is part of the equation?
I wonder if what she is saying is in order for you to stop digging that your fWH should stop answering with any depth? But the fact is you need to know what you need to know. I needed dates, places and things like that, but I didn’t want details of sex or conversations or intimacies they had. But if you need it all, then you need it all. As long as you realise that you won’t get it all. There will be his version, OWs version and one you cobble together yourself. None of them will be true reflections. I suggest you take this part of Joseph’s letter (or write your own):
You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you.
And then see what your MC has to say.
*****
WYE – that is a big break of trust. Major.
He claims he was just having doubts
So just what was he having doubts about? You? The marriage? His ability to stay within boundaries? He’s looking her up after 8mths of NC? And doesn’t understand why it’s a big deal?? I think you need to establish exactly what was going on and express how he has destroyed your trust again. Maybe you should misquote this: You will not be my priority while I remain YOUR OPTION”. (((((WYE)))))
*****
Hi salsagirl, welcome to this corner. There are no answers. You cannot reconcile 15 years of betrayal. This is not a rip in the fabric of your marriage, it is a bloody great big irreparable hole. But what you can do is come to terms with it and (finally) accept it. He stole a large part of your life and now you should be thinking of how some of that theft can be repaid. Like others, I try to put ME first. Pre d-day, it was everyone else first and me last. When I read how WH felt he was “last in line”, it made me furious. He was having an affair and accusing ME of putting HIM last! Now I do what I want when I want. I don’t “need” to be here anymore, so that makes things easier. The dogs have died and not been replaced – the responsibility would be mine, as it was before, so we are dogless. And divorce has never quite gone from my mind. I have come to terms with and accepted that too.
*****
Laura – 8 days in Paris? Paris, France? Not coming to the UK?
*****
That's why I always say that it's not enough to just end the affair....there has to be an internal change as well.
fWH says he is not the man he was during the affair, and that he is back to the person he was and who I married. I say if he is the man he was before, then that man was willing and able to be unfaithful to me and to deceive me for years in order to have his cake and eat it too. I cannot see any changes in him other than someone…….. older. Old. Someone who seems to have lost his fire. Maybe adultery kept him on his toes and somewhat more vibrant. IDK.

I wouldn’t change my time with the boys either. He lost out and that’s for him to deal with. He’s been trying to make up for it, but they will probably always remember the crabby years when they would leave the room as he walked in through the door.
“He buys me flowers” – nope
“We have gone on extensive vacations every year since d-day” – nope. I have decided and organised a week in Italy in July while DS17 is in Germany. The last holiday we had was to NZ in Aug 2010 to see the boys (my instigation).
“He does everything around the house.” Nope. I do it all. And went on a diy course which has just finished. Give him a screwdriver and he’ll give you a quizzical look.
I had four years when I couldn’t do anything around the house or garden. Last year and this year I have done troughs and baskets, tended the lawn and dug up unwanted plants to replace them with new ones. He hasn’t even mown the lawn this year. With the mower I put together. To be powered from the new double socket I installed in the garage. >sigh<

But he’s in Germany on business and I’m about to spend a couple of hours in the sunny garden, planting up some stuff I bought this morning. So today I got the better end of the deal in a lot of ways……

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:46 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl -
My H's LTA began in 1994. In 2003 I discovered a receipt for jewelry that was never given to me. I investigated this for over one year and confronted him in 2004. They continued their communication until at least 2005 (that I can prove), and perhaps much much longer. He admitted that other gifts were exchanged, but denies that the original receipt I discovered was intended for her. During a MC session he admitted to oral sex, preferring not to discuss their sexual activities, assuming that I would accept his answer. Our MC allowed that answer, and vowed to revisit it. We never did.

Basically I have just a couple of lingering questions. I want him to admit that the original receipt I found, was for a gift he gave to her, which he has steadfastly denied. Additionally I'd like him to be more specific about other gifts he gave her. He's admitted that he gave her other jewelry but he 'doesn't remember' what they were. Finally, I do not want to know the details of their sexual encounters, however I do want him to admit that it was more than just oral sex - I just want to know the truth of what they did together.

I'm just tired of being lied to and living in the dark. Our MC (a man) thinks that if I knew the specifics of their relationship it would damage our M. However the flip side is that my mind always wonders.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye - Just re-read your postings. I am so sorry you are reliving this again. Follow your instincts and trust that whatever decision you make is the right one for you and your family. Don't make any rash decision, take all the time that you need.

Sending you hugs...


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I thought I would post some good news -- fWH planned a weekend trip to the beach for our little family -- and even found a beachfront hotel with toddler play area, babysitting, etc.

Should be tons of fun!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, m3. Love this idea. Good news #2:
I am closing on my townhouse this Friday (squee!!!) and am planning a staycation with a girlfriend at an area arts festival!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted this in Reconciliation but I think it may be suited to this thread?
After nearly 16 months of asking for the full details of the A ( and many months of TT during that time)I have realized that I am not going to get them. As I have said before my WH is extremely remorseful and wants nothing other than to R and spend the rest of his life making up to me for his A. The only thing that I have asked for is that all my questions be answered. While I have the big details there are many many questions that I have asked that he has not answered. He says many he cannot remember (it was a LTA that was over before I found out). But I know there are things that he does know and I don't know whether he is afraid if I hear them I will definitely D or that they are worse than the things I know. Whichever he can't/won't tell me. He is in IC and he is finding it very difficult.He has FOO issues and is a confrontation avoider. And to give a fair picture of things I react very badly to any new information that I get. He hates himself and says going over it is excruciating. He genuinely feels his life is not worth living if we D but he still won't tell me. This is a deal breaker for me and I told him today that I think it is finally over. He pleaded and begged me to give him time but I think he is hoping that I will stop asking eventually. I feel so disappointed that I was willing to give him a second chance after the LTA and for me he is throwing it back in my face. Why would he do this? I know that he wants nothing more than to work things out. The A is over and he regrets everything about it. So why would he risk it all now at this point by not telling me what I have to know? What do I do now?

Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arias,
I can understand how the TT erodes your emotional security. It is important that you not make any rash decisions, and in saying that is it possible that you and your H could separate for a period of time? That way he may come to realize how difficult it it's for you to live without the truth, and you will how to navigate your future.

Good luck to you. This is not an easy road, but you have found a safe place here with others who can help you.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arais and Brokenworld-
You need what you need in order to recover from this.
And if you need to know this information then you need to do whatever it takes.
My FWH would go through this also...
He was very willing to talk while we were separated but after he moved back home he took that to mean it was all in the past.
Well...not in my little brain it wasn't! I was still reeling from the revelations and my brain was churning 24/7 with more thoughts and questions.
We had quite a few major tussles over this. A few times I left the house to stay in a hotel and did the 180.
I felt he was stonewalling me.
It was ridiculous really...because he could have satisfied me with a few minutes of open, honest conversation but instead we would have weeks of bad feelings, drama, etc.
But..eventually he would come through and be willing to discuss what I needed.
I think that a conflict avoidant personality is very common for WS. I think that rather than face reality they escape via infidelity and in my FWH's case alcohol...so forcing him to face what he had done...over and over again was very tough for him.
However, that was what I needed.

Brokenworld- IMHO your MC is wrong. Our first MC ( a man) was a big rug sweeper. He wanted me to 'get over this already"-meanwhile I was only 3 months post d-day! and I had found out about a 5 yr LTA! I'm convinced that he was a former cheater himself-he related way too much to my FWH.
I fired him and we found another MC. She was better. And knew alot about the trauma of infidelity and how it needs to be processed.

WYE- I do not think his looking the OW up online can be compared to someone innocently looking up an old high school girlfriend.
And actually...now that I have been through infidelity...I think all of this daydreaming about old GFs and BFs that happens due to Facebook etc. is not healthy for marriages.

So... I 'get' why you are so upset. And for him to say he was having doubts?
unacceptable....
you are not an option...
was he having doubts about being able to make the marriage work? of being able to do the hard work?
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

UKgirl- sending hugs....
I'm sorry that your FWH is not making more of an effort to sweep you off your feet and win you back. That was what I needed... I needed a huge effort on his part to help me 'get over' all of the bad.
and like I've pointed out before...even with all of these huge gestures I still have my moments....
reconciling after a LTA is tough.
I'm glad that you are putting yourself first now. You deserve to be happy.

m33- Thanks for the good news report. It sounds like a fun family trip.

Nell- congrats on the new house!

cdnmommy-what did you decide to do about the linked in stalking?

[This message edited by njgal480 at 11:52 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 1000
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