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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good day to all! (present & lurking)
I just came from FB where the following was shared. I find myself embracing many of the 'positive affirmation' pages as I am Still so devastated by the A... It's not from an infidelity site but I think it will help me and maybe some of my LTA tribe too...
BTW, I'm on the 5 yr. plus plan .
This being said... I need a lot of help with this so by posting here I think I will make more of an effort.

Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:

1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?” Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?

2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu

3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.

“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle

5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!

“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle

6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.

8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take off all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.

9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell

10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer

11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.

13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present & the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.

14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.

15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.

This article is reprinted with permission. Dana Saviuc is an enthusiastic student of the arts, economics, psychology and spirituality.

P.S. I know I lurk but tend to have 'verbal diarrhea' when I post. Forgive me.

[This message edited by lostsuol at 11:44 AM, May 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol

Great post.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol

Great post.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll second that, tryn. Or, rather, third it.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost... what a great list, thanks! I posted it on my wall to remind me daily. All of the items ring so true and we would all be much happier if we followed them daily.

m3.. I am sorry you are dwon and it is understandable. As and betrayals rip apart our souls and it is ever so tough to stitch them back together. Mother's Day is here and I hope you can bask in the joy of your children. Mine can be difficult at times (understatement??) but they have enriched my life in so many ways and brought immeasureable joy into my life. Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful ladies with children.

I think I too am on the "five year plan". I just cannot forgive. I have tried (half heartedly) but it is just too difficult.
I think I too am on the "five year plan". I just cannot forgive. I have tried (half heartedly) but it is just too difficult.

Laura.. I am not sure if I have forgiven my WW but I am approaching being at peace once again after a tumultous time during her A and the time post DDay. I am fortunate in that it appears "I am not on the five year plan"

Thanks to all the wisdom shared on the LTA thread, I am in a really good place right now.
- I have set clear boundaries (within myself and have communicated them to my W) as to what it takes for me to be able to stay in the M
- I have set these boundaries based on today and no longer spend energy trying to change the past.
- I see myself enjoying life in the M if my W canmeet these boundaries and this is what I desire.
- And I can see myself enjoying life should we D. I would enjoy spending my energy on activities and someone that appreciates this and is able to show it through her actions.
- I am unable to look past the hurt of my W A and betrayal and treat her well as I have done for the many years together before DDay.

I have stopped taking anti depressants (3 wks). I am cheerful when I start my day (after a shower and coffee to get the brain working), I am smiling, and I am laughing a lot (I do not think I had laughed mre than twice in the 12 months after DDay 1). I am savoring my accomplishments especially those that contribute to the success of others. Life is good!

Tryin.. you have provided some especially good advise along the way, thanks. I have made clear to my W the things that are essential for me to stay in the M.
* her respect for me
- her expressed appreciation for what I do for her and the family
* her expressed interest in me and what I have to say
* her expressed affetion towards me
* her expressed sexuality towards me

She responded that she does respt me and does appreciate the things I do for her and the family (my feelings are that this is not apparrent through her actions) and that she was failing in the other areas.

I think she was relived when I was specific and direct about her words and actions showing a dearth of desire to be my W. For the past year she has coasted along with the idea that the other good things in our life are enough (family, companionship, emotional support). There is no hurry to D (speaking of today, not years) and I have told her that I will not do anything to initiate the D until August and then I will again assess where things stand.

She seems to be in a panic now. Sad (depressed); mad (at me for establishing boundaries and not allowing her to treat me poorly) while holding her accountable for her choices, AND expressing my love to her / my desire to be her husband today and forever.

Maybe she feels it is now up to her to make the dreadly D decision. If so she is mistaken. For I will not stay in a M where she is unable to be affectionate and sexual towards me. She was both with her AP and I will not settle for second best.

I have no hard feelings. If she does not desire me in a way that she is openly affectionate and sexual with me. So be it. Every man is not a match for every woman. I will then go on with my life and hopefully meet someone that I enjoy treating well and in turn enjoys treating me well.

Yes, I do struggle for small monents due to her A. Yet, I am becoming more content, more happy by the day. I have been able to select special gifts for my W to celbrate Mother's day. She has been my partner, my W, in raising our children, our wonderful unique children. And I appreciate that and want her and our children to understand that as well.

I hope all of you have a great weekend.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeandchange- thanks for your post. It hits home for me. So many similarities. My children were very difficult in their teenage years. My H and I were at odds over the dicipline and H says that is a lot of what drove him away. I was the easy one and he was the hard ass. The thing that gets me is the OW used to call H for help with her unruly kids. Her son threw a glass coffee table through her glass sliding door and her son called her a C word....My kids were saints compared to that..yet my H couldn't cope with his own children. WTF?
But he was there for hers? The hurt is unbelievable when I think about it.

some days I feel so all alone. I just wish I could go back and do it all over. Somedays most of my anger is at myself.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoFun..same here and I will explain.

First, major conflict with W throughout our M is how I discipline our children. No I do not hit them, I do not tear them down verbally. I do hold them accountable for their behaviour and call them on it when it is unacceptable. My W complains about their behaviour (usually to Me) and does not enforce the limits she says verbally. So I guess I am the hard ass and she is the easy one.

Second, my W will stress that something is important such as not allowing our DS to eat in his room. I will agree with her and she will ask for my help in making it happen. We will usually tell our DS the rule together. Later in the week, I will find disches in his room and call him on it. I am strict, tell him it is unacceptable, tell him to clean the dishes and put them away immediately and that there will be additional punishment.

My W will then (if home) or later (f not) tell me that I was harsh, my tone of voice "scares" our children, and that I should ease up. And then she tells me that she allowed our DS to take the food to his room because he had a busy week and it was important to him or that he was just defiant and ignored her statement to eat downstairs.

It is difficult to even get her to acknowledge the change in what is allowed much less how this undermines the respect that I earne with our childrent. "Dad's harsh". When we discuss it she can say "did I say that", "I am just soft", "It is not what I meant", "the situation changed".

She is a WONDERFUL mother, cares about our children deeply, makes daily sacrifices for their benefit, and is able to tolerate the disrespect that they sometimes throw her way.

But the passive / agressive approach with me on disciplining our children frustrates me and has been detrimental to our M.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun-
do not be angry with yourself.
You did nothing wrong....you were living an authentic life for all those years...he was not.
He was living a lie. And a lot of his anger and bad attitude may have been due to this.
We as BS tend to beat ourselves up ...for not knowing about the infidelity, for staying after d-day, for trying to R.
we as BS are trying to do the right thing...trying to decide what is best for us, our families etc.
H&C-
Dealing with kid issues takes its' toll on many marriages. I have a long time friend that went through very difficult teen years with her two sons. She ended up having an affair and divorcing her husband.
I know that they had other issues going on as well....but I wish that she had gone to family counseling with her ex as opposed to taking the route she did to deal with the troubles.
The affair and the divorce did nothing to help the situation with the unruly teenagers...instead it made matters worse.
Would your WW consider going to a child Psychologist for help and advice in terms of how to deal with your kids?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nigal..great response to NoFun. Yes, we BS examine our life looking for reasons. We analyze, reconstruct, and wonder what could have been done differently. But it is not the BS that made the choice to A and the explanation is elusive.

Regarding my children, yes my W would engage a child therapist and we have done so over the years particularily with our oldest DD who suffered from depression in her early teens. Btu the reality is that our kids have had very minor issues. All three of them are good self driven students that require little parental assistance and ask for it when needed. Our oldest DD leaves for a prestigous university in the fall and is a National Merit Finalist. Are other DD has only made As and continues this remarkable accomplishment into HS. Our DS will finish a late baseball game to return home to a shouwer, dinner, and a few more hours of homework if there is still some work to be done. All thre participate in youth organizations and taken on leadership roles. Their friends are respectful to us. Our children have typical sibling arguments and that is about it. So yes, being a parent is challenging and rewarding but I would say my W and I are blessed at the character of our children. My W and I have these parenting conflicts over relatively minor issues - I think it is a matter of wanting to be in total control.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Mothers day to all you fine mothers of the LTA house.

Hugs,
Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Dip!!!

Happy Mother's Day to everyone!


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, May 13th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful yank and pom (and other nationalities I may not know about ) Mums who have saved my life.

Love you all!!!!!

Also a special wish for all the "single" Dads who have to take the place of Mums who just don't get it!!!!

HUGS to you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, May 13th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy mothers day to all the wonderful women on LTA.
Enjoy the day.

DP


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 14th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you and a belated Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow Moms.

Laura, what is "pom"?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the WSJ, the essence of motherhood. Thanks to all those mothers who have done so much for their children.

My mother never really helped me with sports. I'm not even certain if she loves sports. All she ever did was pack me up in the car for the first 17 years of my life, dragging me out of bed and telling me to eat something before driving me off to tryouts, to practice, to tournaments and playoff games that I can no longer remember. All she ever did was make sure that I always had a ride home after the game. All she ever did was abandon huge chunks of her day—her life—to make sure I could play sports with my friends because I enjoyed playing sports with my friends.

I am not sure what the big deal is about this. It's not like my mother taught me how to throw a curve ball.

Enlarge Image

Getty Images
Fans of the West team from Huntington Beach, Calif., celebrating after the West defeated the Japan team from Hamamatsu City, Japan, to win the Little League World Series championship game last August.
All my mother ever did was make me take swimming lessons, even though I hated taking swimming lessons. She enrolled me in a basketball camp, even though I was never going to be any good at basketball. She bought me a bike, even though I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was 9 years old. Why she did all that, I have no idea. I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that, decades later, I continue to swim, play basketball and ride my bike.

All my mother ever did was drive me to strange towns and ball fields and sit in the stands with a bunch of parents and watch some of the sloppiest Little League and youth soccer you've ever seen in your life. Sometimes it would take hours to get there, and the games were so boring. I don't know why she never complained. Mothers can be weird.

When the games were over, my mother never gave me a hard time if I won or lost. She never made a big deal about my pathetic batting average, or how many runs I gave up, or why I spent most of the game on the bench. She never asked why that fly ball hit my nose, why I didn't make that tag, why that guy was able to score a goal. She never bugged me about any of these things. Bizarre, right?

All my mother ever did was pay for everything. I was little then, so I didn't know how much stuff costs, but I always had cleats and shin pads and a baseball glove that I got to pick out at the store myself, and broke in with neatsfoot oil. She bought the neatsfoot oil, too. Apparently, it also costs money just for kids to play sports—team fees, equipment fees, league fees. My mom must have had a job or something. Maybe that's why she went to work every day.

In my town, all of the awesome kid jocks wore personalized satin jackets with their first names on the sleeve, because that's what you got when you were an awesome kid jock and played on a great team. I was not an awesome kid jock but my mom went to a sporting-goods store and paid for them to make me a jacket with my first name on the sleeve. For some reason I wore that jacket all the time.

When I wasn't playing games, all my mother ever did was help me find stuff I lost. I lost almost every piece of sports equipment I ever owned. I lost my cleats, my glove, my hats, my socks and my jerseys far too many times to count. I forgot my bike at the park. I remember leaving that satin jacket at the field. We went back to the field in the darkness and found it.

When my kid brother got older, my mother did all of these things for him too. My brother was a lot better at sports than I ever was. He made all of the All-Star teams and got the real satin jacket with his name on the sleeve. He got so good that people came to watch him play. But my mother never once compared him to me. She never pointed out he was better. I wonder if she noticed.

Now my life is surrounded by sports, by games and superstar athletes privileged to be paid millions for games the rest of us would play for free. And though there is a whole warm nostalgia built up around the idea of sports, fathers and sons, of passing the game from one generation to the next, I can tell you that whenever one of these superstar athletes wins a championship, or breaks a record, or signs a big contract, the first person they thank, 99 times out of 100, is not their father, or a coach, or an agent, or a friend, but their mother.

I am older, and I think about all these things and I wonder if I had it wrong. Maybe my mother really did love sports.


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was watching the end of Game 6 of the Caps vs. the Rangers -- the Caps goalie made a save and they panned to his Mom in the stands -- I said to my husband "how many hours of her life do you think went into that save?"

That's a great essay.

Here's my favorite Mother's Day essay:

Dear Mom,

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for bringing me into this world, thank you for making food for me, thank you for the siblings, thank you for buying me things, thank you for helping me through life, thank you for doing things with me, thank you for taking care of me, and most of all thank you for loving me and being my mom.

Sincerely,

The Pharaoh

I'm pretty sure it deserves a Pulitzer.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay... as long as we're bragging on moms... here's the best thing anyone has ever written or said about me:

My mom is smart. She is funny. Also she is loving. I feel safe becose of her. And I think she is pretty.
Boyo1, age 8

I should frame that. Oh, wait... I did.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33 and Nell-
Love these Mother's Day essays! So cute....definitely something to treasure...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facebook has a lot of positive things posted. Today this was on my page (posted by a fellow LTA member) who inspires me to keep on trying.

Some transformations just take a little longer....

Tried several time but the image of a small Monarch butterfly won't appear for me!

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou

The butterfly meets and conquers many obstacles in its growth and transition from birth thru to its amazing beauty. It has gone thru enormous changes to become what it is. So do you as you make your way thru your life. Celebrate each obstacle overcome, all the mountains you've climbed, and the storms you have weathered.
You are beautiful and strong! ♥ to you today

I think this applies to both genders represented here.
{{{LTA}}}

[This message edited by lostsuol at 11:56 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, telling them is important to ME.
H&C – I feel like this too. And the main reason is because I can see I have changed so much. In the aftermath of d-day, I wasn’t there at all for my kids. I tried to be and I turned to them for some salve on my broken heart. I looked at them and knew I had done something right. But I haven’t been there for DS17 in the same way as I was for them. As I distanced myself from fWH, I have distanced myself from my children. DS17 has been told he is very clever and up for a special invitation to Oxford uni as a prelim to going there for an English degree (fWH did English at Cambs… could be a bit of rivalry there!) And he is smart, but Lord knows where his motivation has come from – I barely noticed what subjects he is doing. I’m still unsure about his dates to Germany on the exchange trip. Another subject he appears to be brilliant at, according to his report which I failed to read for several days…… Okay, now I feel crap reading this.

So, there are times when I want the boys to know the reason I am like I am and not the smiley, easy going, Mum-can-solve-everything person I was. I don’t think any way of dealing with it is right, as we can see from the different reactions posted here. Other than telling them within a few days of d-day. I sent DS18 (at the time) a text on d-day apologising for ranting at him about his phone, I told him it wasn’t his friends ringing the landline at midnight, it was his father’s mistress. I know he got the text, but it was never spoken of.

On the 5yr plan, since I gave up at the two year mark trying to get the truth, and that being my last d-day, I consider I am at the 4yr mark this month. And at a better place than last year.

Lost – I have copy and pasted your list of points. Thank you. It’s actually very calming to read.

H&C, I can relate on the kids stuff. I was pretty much on my own with discipline and was lucky with my boys. But some things I needed support with – and WH just wasn’t there. And when he was, it was to rant in a totally destructive way and the boys would simply leave the room or even the house. When WH disappeared, they would come to ME and apologise and do something to try and make up for [whatever]. A united front is always best. It can cause marital rifts if you are not dealing with issues in an agreed way.

Dear Mom,
Thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for bringing me into this world, thank you for making food for me, thank you for the siblings, thank you for buying me things, thank you for helping me through life, thank you for doing things with me, thank you for taking care of me, and most of all thank you for loving me and being my mom.
Sincerely,
The Pharaoh
Awwwww!!!!!

Laura – I’m so sorry about DS. He’s so lovely. I’m sure he will deal with it as and when he needs to and I hope he can carry on being enough of a lad to worry you! if he’s as happy as he can be and living life as well as he can, I’m sure he will come through. Someone as good looking as him must have a good life mapped out for him. (((((Laura)))))

Checking out for now.
Hugs to the Tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

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