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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All... I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and comments.

Should I tell my children (ages 18, 16, and 14)about my Ws A?

Cons - I do not want to tarnish the relationship between the children and their mother.

I do not want to add undue anguish to their lives.

Pros - I want them to understand that I have tried, but failed, to keep our M and family intact. And that the circumstances have made that very difficult.

I want them to learn that their choices, good or bad, have consequences and to deal with their challenges courageosly and in line with their values.

Otherwise, it will be a blah, blah we have struggled with issues throughout our marriage and decided we will be happier apart. I would have a hard time sitting through tat conversation without puking all over the floor (as I did on DDay1)

Thanks.
h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I tell my children (ages 18, 16, and 14)about my Ws A?

Under no circumstances can I think of a value for your kids to know at those ages.

You can tell them the Truth... hurts have happened to a point you no longer can meet each others needs to be happy. It wouldn't surprise me to they don't already know. Word just get's out. No need to burden them any more than what is about to happen.

Nell can help you with how she put D to her kids.


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, at that age, I'd bet they already know something is up. I wouldn't tell them directly, but I don't think I'd deny anything if they asked either. I'm sorry.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My step father confessed to my brother and I about his A when I was 13. I can honestly tell you it totally fucked me up.

Just my take. I might tell them sometimes people just don't work out and when they're older, you'll talk about it. Don't think, though, that telling the 18 y/o wouldn't get back to the others. Just in case you thought of that as an option.


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c-
I think I would tell them on a need to know basis.
Meaning that I wouldn't sit them down and tell them that this is the reason for the divorce.
However, if they suspect and ask if anyone had an affair...well then it would be difficult for me to lie like that to my children.

Your kids may already suspect, or have overheard enough to suspect...but, may not say anything to you.

I did tell both of my children but I was a total wreck and had kicked my husband out of the house-so some kind of explanation was needed....and..my kids were 22 and 24 yrs old at the time.
I had spoken to my DD 2 yrs before d-day about divorcing her father. So she was around 19-20 at the time...
MY FWH was in the middle of the LTA at the time. I did not know about the infidelity but I certainly saw his detachment, anger, excessive drinking etc.
I had always protected my children from knowing how bad their father's drinking was....but now I told her.

another story has to do with my FWH's MOW....
I spoke to her BS a few times and even met up with him in person one time to exchange evidence.
She was a serial cheater and this was the last straw for him, so he moved out and filed for divorce.
When he tried to go to the house on Xmas to give the 3 children their gifts he was barred from entering by other family members.
Why? the cheating wife had told everyon that the reason for the divorce was his infidelity! yes...she said that.
This MOW that had one 6 yr LTA, a series of short affairs and then a 5 yr LTA with my FWH...blamed the divorce on her husband!
So...she forced him to tell the kids the truth. He had planned on protecting them from knowing about the infidelity. But, she forced his hand.
So...you never know how things will turn out.

Your kids are still young so I would say as little as possible for now and try to protect them from any additional pain.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:19 PM, May 7th (Monday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn --
Congratulations to your son!

H&c -- If they ask directly then you shouldn't lie to them, but I'm not so sure you should answer them either unless your wife says you had an A. I'd probably tell kids that age that even though the whole family lives together the marriage is a separate thing and a lot goes on in it that the children don't see.

Having said that -- one thing that led M3 to go into super-sleuther mode to discover WH's A was the statement "Mom, would you be mad if Daddy had a girlfriend?" from my then 7 year old. (also the main reason I'm rather confident that the LTA was not the only A going on... but I digress.) The point is -- kids see more than you think they do.

I'm sorry, H&c. It's difficult to make a marriage work after an affair. I don't think mine works, and I don't know if I can be like tryn either. Of course, I'm very depressed right now because of being pregnant so hopefully that will improve with time.

I've been consistently unsuccessful in my job since WH went on the downward drinking/drugging spiral that led to Dday. I think the PTSD on top of bipolar has just done me in. I am thinking about throwing in the towel and staying home with the kids.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3.. Same here... My M is better but I am not at peace.I have emotions today I never had before this reality hit. Forgiveness in my heart is just not within me. I must be on the 5 year road. My issue is sex but still working on me. I think I will get there because my W failure is not going to ruin my life. Btw my work is not as good either. I've given a simpler life thought mayself...

H.. Think long before you tell your kids.. I think you keep it as if you cannot get along over hurts..


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kiddos are much younger (6 and 9), so we didn't talk about reasons at all. The party line is... this is an adult decision, because of problems caused by adults and solved by adults. We both love you and [blah blah blah logistics].

I made an appointment with a child therapist and X and I went before we told the kids. That was extremely helpful and the best $300 I've spent, outside of lawyer fees. Highly recommend that. She brought up some points that I hadn't considered and helped us come up with a plan to keep the damage to a minimum.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 8th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 & Tryin... work! yup it went downhill & fast. Lost the job but while I really enjoy the new higher paying position I found I no longer have that drive & desire I used to have.I'm more important now & work doesnt run my life how it used too.I guess like you trying I live a simplier life.

M3 - make yourself happy - its a choice.

H&C - my kids are 13,10,8 & 5 - I wouldnt tell them but they tell me often what they think of WW & it aint nice, so in a way they know.

take care


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC advised me not to tell my 20yr old children. Little did I know that the younger one knew and it messed him up.

From other material that I have read they often advise not to tell. I do not think that this is something that kids need to know or want to know. I would spare them the pain even if it made me out to look like the "bad guy" ~

My IC told me that it is better to wait until they are older, married and can understand relationships better before you tell them.


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1960 | Registered: Nov 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RidingHealingRd

I am with ya on this... My parents D when I was 25. They didn't tell me that my mom had an A. My feelings at the time was for them both to be happy.

I think you stick with that theme. No bad feelings will be directed at you when they do find out... "Sometimes, the only way to find Happiness is when things end"

IC told me, It's none of the kids business. It just stops hate feelings by your kids directed at whoever..


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn - I must be on the 5 year plan too. The MC asked if I could forgive...I flat out said "No, not ever." And I'm ok with that and I doubt H really cares either.

I'm here because it's best for me right now.

I on the other hand, have thrown myself into my work and have actually grown the business. Most days I want to simplify it and sell the damn thing and just run away but that is not what's best right now.

My kids know...they all suspected their father was messing around and it was my middle daughter that came to me. They were older though (30, 26 and 24). My middle daughter and my son every once in awhile talk to me about it and it's not good. It has affected their relationship with their father. It's just sad.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeandchange:

In regards to telling the kids. This is a difficult one and all depends on circumstances but I will relate my experience. My eldest (23) was the first to be told (by me). He was shattered but there was no way to avoid it as one of the women was my next-door neighbour. The next eldest(17) was told a couple of days later when he returned from a school trip. DD13 was initially told that we had grown apart hence we were separating. She was totally bewildered as all she had ever known or seen was the pair of us loving each other. A few days later when she learned the actual truth, she just looked at me and said "why didn't you tell me that before, now I know why you can't stay in the same house as him". Sometimes the truth is kinder depending on the age of the children because they will work it out anyway. If they are really little, then the truth can wait IMHO.

There is no right or wrong in this as long as you don't become abusive about the WS in front of the kids.


EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1069 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dp -- I'm trying. I'm asking HR for some extra (unpaid) time off and a slightly reduced workload, I got a physical and found out the pregnancy is making my thyroid hormone screwy, so I'm going in to see the doctor about fixing that on Saturday...

Other than that it's just take the meds, positive thinking, eat well, exercise, be gentle with myself and maybe some bubble baths. Hopefully the spiral will go back upwards.

It's a choice, but it's harder to make the choice when there's something medically wrong with you. Stinkin' depression.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33-
sorry to hear that you're not feeling well.

Tryin- that 5 yr milestone did make a big difference for me. Time does help to heal old wounds.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many thanks to all the thoughts on telling the children about the A.

I get it! Suck it up and do not tell them and add any extra pain to their lives unless there is no way to avoid it without lying. I plan to follow the advice.

Yes, telling them is important to ME. I want them to understand my character, that I can survive such a horrific betrayal, that I tried to put aside the damage and pain to preserve the M and our family. I will suffer again telling (or letting my W tell them) that it is just a matter of two adults growing apart. No, I am not her equal. We each contributed to issues in our M. I acknowledged (to her) most of mine along the way; she in turn acknowledged few of her contributions. Maybe this is just my perspective. The list of hurts inflicted by her A and its betrayal of trust is too long to list.

So, I do not intend to tell them but will give a different point of view. What do my children deserve? They deserve the love and support of both of their parents. AND they deserve to be told the TRUTH. To understand the person they love (their parent) and to learn the cost of making bad choices.

It is said often that the BS of the AP deserves to be told about the A. For no other reason then they deserve to know to whom they are married. An old forum topic centered on the Matrix and the red / blue pill. Near unianimity among the BS is that they would rather no the ugly truth than live in a happy ignorance. I think this applies to everone including our children relating to their parents.

Nell.. how did you find such a good C to help in identifying the issues related to the children?

Finally, I am not sure what my children know. It could be nothing or a lot. None of them have talked to me about it. During her A, my DS was using her phone constantly to surf the net and it is propable that text messages were coming in while he was using the phone. My DD has intense conflicts with the W. Could be nomrla teen angst or resentment. At one time DD was casually refeering to my W in caprpool as MiLF. My oldest DD has come upon me while on SI or searching for reference books. She has alos noted when I have been down asking if I was feeling okay. So they know nothing or they know something. Not sure.

Thanks again fro sharing your experiences and perspectives.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi H&C

I imagine this is a really hard decision.

In my case I thought I didn't have a choice.

I became convinced with all the evidence I had collected that FWH was leaving me. (Lots of "I love yous", talk about the future together, etc between him and the OW). So when I found out I decided to go and visit my children who lived over 200 miles away and tell them their father was leaving me for another woman BEFORE I confronted him. I did not want them to hear some other way and wanted to tell them in person rather than via a phone conversation.

Anyway I told the kids quietly and calmly (but with tears rolling down my cheeks) that their father had been seeing another woman for at least the last year and was planning to leave me. MY DS was 19 and my DD was 23 at the time. I said "But he is still your father and he loves you and I know you love him so I don't want this to effect your relationship with him". (Quite magnanimous of me I think ).

I also told them that I was furious with him, that I had gotten my legal and financial "ducks in a row" and that they would inherit my half of all our assets and that under no circumstances were they to let him stay in my house if I died. (I was quite irrationally terrified of dying and horrified at the idea of one of his whores living in my house. I told them that they were to force him to sell up to give them their share!) BTW This still applies and FWH knows it. If I die I can't stand the thought of one of them in my house. That's the price of his infidelity!

As it turned out when I did confront him when I arrived home he begged to be allowed to stay, swore OW3 meant nothing to him etc. (At this point I did not know about OWs 1 and 2!).

So in a way the decision never had to be made.

My daughter was furious with him and my son was very quiet but then again he never tells me how he feels about things. I know they have both talked to him about it a little since but don't know the details. On the surface their relationship with him (which was never great) hasn't changed much. But knowing my kids I suspect they have very little respect for him.

Interestingly, they both have told me that they told him that if he is not happy with me he should leave. Not sneak around and cheat, looking to "upgrade". As well they have told him that if he stays and they ever find out he cheated on me again they will cut him out of their lives forever. I think my kids take after their mother!!

So honey, just my 2cents. I truly don't know what I would do in your position.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TRyn and No Fun

I think I too am on the "five year plan". I just cannot forgive. I have tried (half heartedly) but it is just too difficult.

Rather than stress myself out about it I have decided to just wait until later.

I have decided to take the Scarlett O'Hara option and think about it tomorrow!! Cheating bitch that she was

Love to all of the tribe.

I hope our absent friends and lurkers are coping OK.

BIG HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- My kids do know and I think the 5 yr plan has worked them also.
As would be expected...they were shocked and angry when the first found out about the LTA....and definitely were in my corner.
They were even a bit wary when I decided to reconcile after 6 months and allow my FWH to move back home.
But, my FWH did speak one on one with each of them to apologize and try to make amends and the kids have seen him working very hard to make changes in himself over the past 5+ years and I do think that they have a new respect and appreciation for him.
I think that they have seen that marriage is not easy. That it is work. That you can go through a terrible thing and still come out of it ok.
I think they are proud of both of us.
And...an unexpected benefit that has come out of this mess is that they are much closer with each other, much more open than they were pre d-day.
They have also forged much closer relationships with their 2 cousins(my FWH's brother's kids) because they ended up confiding in them during the S etc.
Their relationship used to be kind of a superficial 'family ties' type of thing and now they seem to have a much closer adult relationship.
so..for those whose children know...have faith....it may all work out.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how did you find such a good C to help in identifying the issues related to the children?

I told our MC what I was looking for and he recommended this lady. I respect and admire our MC's advice, and he didn't let me down. I'm a big believer in asking the experts.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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