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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 29
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Oh dear!!! Hard to believe:

29 PARTS!!

All is OK in Laura's world.

I hope all of you are well and happy today.

HUGS to you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
DestroyedDad
♂ Member
Member # 33525
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All,

I’ve been reading the historical threads here on LTA and have gained so much strength from all your insights. Just want to say thank you for sharing your pain and process with each other and with others like me who may be lurking out here.

I have a question that I’d like to ask your input on: After almost 19 years of marriage, I was completely blindsided on D-Day last summer. I have spent the last few months reviewing my life in my mind, and I just can’t find any time where I questioned my WW’s fidelity and commitment to the M during the OVER 10 YEARS that she was involved with another man…

So, here’s my question – how do you view yourself during the time of the LTA or how do you forgive yourself for being such a f-ing blind idiot for so long?

Sorry – may just be having a pity party for myself as I go through all the many steps towards D and disassembling 20 years together, but I’m really struggling with feeling like I must have been the last innocent or just a big moron…

Any thoughts greatly appreciated!

DD


D-Day - 8/18/11
Me: BH - 42
Her: WW - 42
Kids - 14 & 9
OM: 63 - her boss
Headed for S then D.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: USA
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DD

BIG HUGS and welcome to LTA.

The people here are very understanding and can really empathise.

Although my FWH is remorseful and we are in R, I can relate very much to your feelings.

For me it was at least 16 yrs (of a 28 yr M) and probably much longer that I was blind.

I am a LITTLE more at peace with this now but I do know that for a long time after dday I

1. Was furious, enraged, livid, decimated... by the thought that he "stole my life" and still often think in those terms. How dare he con me for so long? How dare he steal my right to be happy with someone who really cared about me? How dare he put me and the children last after him and his whores? I could go on and on.....

2. I felt stupid that I didn't see it. I look back now and remember my casual questions and his glib lies to hide his failure to answer his phone, his moodiness for no apparent reason, his presence at odd places at odd times, his "lack of time" to do off chores around the place......

Now I feel sad. I feel sad that we didn't have the M we could have had. I feel sad that with very little effort on his part we are now much happier together. It isn't that difficult!!!! So now when we do things together and have worthwhile conversations. I often think "We could have had this before". During the A years he was always "Too busy" for me and the kids and it saddens me that the kids and I missed out on having a real father and husband.

As for feeling "stupid". I used to, but not now. Now I know that I was a faithful, trusting wife. I can look back on those years with sadness but also with some pride. Even when things were at their worst I never stopped trying to make our M work. I was always doing my best. I listened to him, I did little chores for him, I was always there when he needed me. So I wasn't stupid. I was a person of integrity. I wasn't stupid, I tried. I wasn't stupid, I cared about him and the M.

As well, I am now a little sad for him. I used to rage at him about how he stole my life while he was out f..ing his whores. Now I think "What a shame! You missed so much with me and the children. You wasted your time, your effort and your thoughts on women who really didn't mean much to you and who I don't believe really cared much about you". And now the children have grown and left home. He missed out on so much with them.

Honey. You have nothing to forgive yourself for during the A years. You lived the life you had the best way you could. I am sure you were not perfect. We all get it wrong at times. But you didn't go off fucking OWs, you kept trying. You wanted your M to work.

So now you need to forgive yourself for beating yourself up over missing the red flags. That is the only thing you need to forgive yourself for.

I haven't read all your posts on the other threads but have read your profile. She sounds like a very damaged lady. You sound like a strong person who can see what is necessary to move on with your life.

A few months after dday I told my FWH, "Your whores may be willing to share you with me, but I will never share my man with another woman. Either choose me and be faithful to me or fuck off! Cheat again and we are done!" He knows I meant that and our R is going well. But if tomorrow I found he had started up again I would leave him in a heartbeat. A corner of my mind expects him to do it again. But I have regained much of my self esteem now and know I deserve a faithful partner and will accept nothing less.

So look to the future. Some time back we had a conversation on LTA about "Dreams". Our plans for the future. With or without our (F)WSs. I think it is so important to have these. To have something positive to look forward to. Forget money problems, forget family or work responsibilities. What would you do if you could do anything anywhere?

My dream if FWH does it again is to move to the south of France to live. I'd get a little cottage, do any work I could get to survive, teach if I could, scrub floors if necessary. Sit on the veranda and watch the people and enjoy the view. Visit the local coffee shop and chat with the locals. Maybe take up gardening or painting. Who knows?

What is your dream??

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
DestroyedDad
♂ Member
Member # 33525
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

Thanks so much for your thoughts and your kind welcome to this group. I can relate to so many of the things you say about the A years - at least when I read them here. Sometimes they are that way in my mind, but they don't seem to settle just yet.

Thanks also for the question about my dream. It's a hard one for me right now, but I'll be working on it. Years ago, when my second son became terribly disabled at only 7 days old, I read a great book called "You Will Dream New Dreams". I'm hoping to uncover it in all the packing and read it again when I'm offline. I need to spend some time getting a dream back for myself like you mentioned. I'm afraid it evaporated away over the years and through the challenges of day to day life, but now I want one back - a dream of my own... I'll keep posted as it begins to take shape.

Thanks again,
DD


D-Day - 8/18/11
Me: BH - 42
Her: WW - 42
Kids - 14 & 9
OM: 63 - her boss
Headed for S then D.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: USA
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - reading about the dreams. I'll send you a PM with my email address so you can forward the LTA Dream Tapestry that you created.
I want to print out & have it put on a tshirt as a reminder.
Work life is extremely busy, I ve been out a few time (saw G3 in concert before Easter) ; another season of weekend sport with the kids has kicked off again so life is very busy & WW is never home. Its sad but the kids no longer miss her (they cheer when she isnt home) & want to spend all their free with me. WW is like her father - cant relate to the children unless they give her NPD the adulation she needs.
Take care tribe.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

Great to hear from you. I have been wondering how you are recently.

Will send you the Dream image as soon as I can find it!

The low res one is on SI but I have a higher res somewhere!

I'm sorry to hear your WW still hasn't woken up to what is important in life.

It really is odd isn't it how some just don't get it, some pretend R while continuing their philandering and some R but then become repeat offenders later.

I really don't understand people sometimes.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part 29 – sad in so many ways, but what a great support this thread is. I know it saved me from total insanity – there were other people who went through the same craziness I did and I found I was perfectly normal!! So, where are we setting up and who’s doing the decorating?

DD. Hmm, how do I view myself during the LTA with the benefit of hindsight? As someone who was authentic, someone who loved and cared for her husband and family, someone who gave. I thought we were together on the views about adultery. When WH started his affair, FIVE couples were being/had just been devastated by infidelity. We were a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Literally. That was one thing I could not wrap my head around – until I realised that what he was doing was “different”. It always is. MOW was his ex-fiancee, I was unaware he had ever been engaged and was also unaware of the length of their relationship.

I no longer look back and wonder how stupid I was, I see and wonder how he could lie so easily and without any apparent guilt about what he was doing. He had the “perfect” affair. MOW was nothing to do with our lives, not socially, not work connected, not even friends with the same old school friends, she lives 80 miles away, her BH also worked away and she had residential courses she would go on (still does, I suppose). WH would stay at her house once her younger children were away at uni, her garage is not overseen by neighbours and WH would simply go in by the back door. And on other occasions, he would simply include her in his hotel stay aways, choosing places where they had little or no chance of encountering anyone they knew. They never went out in public where either of them were known. She was covered by expenses, he spent very little of his own money. And he told no one. Not a single person. In the end, it was a complete double life, he slipped easily from one to the other, it was a pleasurable routine and he was confident I would never find out while she was happy to play the same game. Of course, once her children were fully adult and had left uni, she decided she wanted more and that’s when he finally confessed. He abused my trust in the most despicable and loathsome way. I’ll never trust him again because I don’t trust myself to pick up on the signals – there weren’t any!

I refuse to let him taint my memories – they were real at the time and I still see them that way. HE was the one who lost out by removing himself. So I guess I feel a little sorry for him.

Like others here, I am angry that he stole from me. He stole my joy and my sense of self, he stole my confidence and my ability to love freely and easily, he stole my trust and my ability to trust others, he stole a large part of my life. I won’t promise him anything, I am a step removed.

DP – It’s very sad your WW has chosen the path she is on. She is missing out on so much. But glad you have the family of your girls and the business of work to concentrate on. The attitude of your girls towards their mother is telling. I bet they know she will never change.

Meanwhile, UKg is back home and effectively on call for Mum. fWH doesn’t like it when I’m away, I find it extremely annoying and feel like telling him to go back to his gf then! I wonder if it’s a trust issue with him, that he thinks I might be tempted while I’m away from home. His issues, not mine.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DestroyedDad

how do you view yourself during the time of the LTA or how do you forgive yourself for being such a f-ing blind idiot for so long?

It’s good that you can man-up and see this was not all on your wife.

For me, I was not paying attention. I was asking the wrong questions. I was focusing more on my job, my kids and friend and not near enough on my wife. I know I was a typical husband. I would say the old Pareto principle 80/20 is the stat. You fall in the 80% just living your life and was a husband just like me. Deciding to be in the other 20% should be your goal.

I am sure your wife had no clue how to talk to you effectively. Making sure you knew what she needed. Most woman never tell you what they need in a direct way. She did not have the courage to start a big enough conflict. Then, throw in Satan (an OM) to pursue your wife by filling all those needs you slacked on… wham…. Affair. Once it starts, not too hard to hide things.

It not hard to forgive yourself for looking away. I compare to defensive driving. You traveled that road everyday for years. That one bad curve got so normal everyday. I know you filled most every need of your W’s needs. Forgiving yourself is easy. Imagine having to forgive yourself by taking the hand of Satan. Now that is not so easy. Of course you saw that with your wife wanting to end her life.

It’s not hard to hide an affair when the person you married trust. In fact, it is easy.

For a woman, just keep having sex with her husband.

For a man, you do all this while working, or with “her” friend.

Anyway.. Peace to you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:43 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, here’s my question – how do you view yourself during the time of the LTA or how do you forgive yourself for being such a f-ing blind idiot for so long?

I have forgotten much of those 2 1/2 years. I honestly do not remember much, like details and stuff, I just get glimpses.

This has to be my brain in some kind of protective mode, because I remember things very clearly from early on in the M.

It feels like 2008, 2009, and part of 2010 just disappeared and I woke back up on dday.

Anyone else feel like this?


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myheart, I am just the opposite. I do remember before d-day, it was afterwards I suffered amnesia.

After the first subsequent d-day when I found out fWH was lying to me (such a shock – I really wasn’t expecting that!!! Dumb or what!) I put together all the dates of what we were doing and where we were cobbled together from his phone records and my diaries and anything else I could find. Then I worked backwards, looking at older stuff, photos, anything with dates on, family events, etc going right back over all the affair years. I drew up a timeline of dates, changes of job, cars bought and sold, anniversaries, weddings and absolutely anything I could remember. I gave him several chances to give me all the info I asked for. And – he lied! And – I was STILL surprised!! I stopped asking after 2yrs and did my own version of just about everything to do with us and our marriage. And I have included some of the unnecessarily spiteful things he said and did. Comments made by friends that I brushed off. Things he wrote in cards to me. It covers many, many pages. It was very cathartic and helped me see the structure of my relationship with him. I see it like a mystery thriller film, the sort where the threads are all brought together in a final scene and a full explanation is given and the mystery solved.

It’s the post d-day stuff that seems to belong to someone else. I was in a very bad place in the second year – which I now know is common. As each day finished, I seemed to erase it from my memory and it’s strange to read my journal from that time. We had a holiday in Egypt that I know we went on, but I don’t have any memories at all. A fleeting few where photos jog my memory. I was there, but it wasn’t really me, it was someone pretending to be me. There are a lot of blank periods like that. I think the pain was just too much for too long and my mind couldn’t cope.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:30 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all!

Wanted to respond to Tryn & M3 from Part 28:

Tryn:

“I'm not forcing a conclusion”

Hah… You do it in your job, you do it with your kids.. yet Nope.. I won’t do it with the man I will spend the rest of my life with? Really?

Yes, really. If I'm paid to force a conclusion, that's one thing. Can't really think of an example of me forcing a conclusion with my kids that would be different from what I'd want to do/choose to do anyway.

But as to my H/X/whatever - can't think of a single good reason to say ok I'm giving it my all, 2 feet in try. Been there, done that. He is either a different person or on his way to being different or not. Otherwise, I'd rather go it without him.
Which brings me to M3's point:

M3: I agree with you & love the example. I also hope you are feeling well. But, in my case, due to the visiting arrangement which results in me seeing him at least for an hour or so every day, I have the opportunity to see any change that might be there. If he was really spending quality time with the kids, not making selfish decisions, etc.
A week ago I had some minor surgery but that nonethelss impaired my sight until just now. He covered the kids for the day of the surgery & overnight. Next day - went out to a baseball game at 11am & never came back. Didn't call to see how I was doing 1 day post surgery with caring for 4 kids. See what I mean? Do I really need to have him move in to see this is a waste of time? I think not.

Anyway - I can't find a reason to put myself in harm's way again.

And, Tryn - I learned more than one lesson with my attempt at dating. That's why I'm not doing it for awhile again. Almost impossible with the visitation arrangement anyway.

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I have been offline most of the past 2 weeks as we were on vacation, and I am nowhere near caught up with this group. There is a lot of stuff swimming in my mind right now but I have IC this afternoon so I think I will wait until afterward to post about it, if I still feel I need to.

But welcome to DestroyedDad. :) Unlike you, I knew there was something terribly wrong during the 2.5 year LTA. I even confronted fWH about whether he was cheating, and named our friend by name. He was good at gaslighting, though, and I trusted him so much that it was easy for me to accept that I was just jealous. Self-forgiveness (I have called myself stupid, naive, too trusting, foolish, etc, etc) had been a big problem for me. Thankfully, I have worked on this in IC and have arrived at a place where I am okay now. I trusted him because he had always been trustworthy. I gave him more credit than he deserved, but it wasn't my judgment that let me down, it was HIM that let me down. I had every reason to believe in him, and to expect that neither he, nor my so-called friend, would betray my trust. In the past, just thinking about it would make me sick with myself, questioning my judgement, and I would start to hate myself for my failures. Now I know I will do differently if I ever go through this again, but I also accept that I made good decisions based on what I knew then and based on our history.

This is something that IC really can help you with. It is not focused on your WW or your M at all, but rather on your own feelings about what you did or didn't know, did or didn't sense, and did or didn't do. I honestly thought self-forgiveness wouldn't come, and worried that it would impede my ability to forgive fWH, but self-forgiveness has come and it feels much better. I hope you can get there.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1680 | Registered: Nov 2010
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK girl: Thanks for your reply.

It is interesting how different and yet the same we can be. Shortly after dday, my parents sent fWH and I on a vacation to Missouri. We had never been and they were just as desperate for us to R. So we went and they watched my four girls (the baby was a newborn at the time).

I remember every second of that vacation. Some of it was good, but mostly bad.

Nothing like driving 13 hours to and from somewhere with high tension and anxiety in the air.

I never want to go back to Missouri. The feelings that surround that place suck, and I don't want to relive it.

When I was living in my "oblivious bubble" prior to dday, I must have just been floating around all happy without a care in the world. Because dday shattered all of that and gave me the ability to see and feel what I never did before. It's like my eyes were opened for the first time and I lost so much recollection of the previous years.

I have also blocked a LOT of childhood with OW/xBFF. I barely remember the trips I took with her, the weekends spent together, when she lived with my family. I know they happened, I can see it slightly, but I don't really remember much.

And I am ok with that.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Destroyed Dad --

My WH's affair began more than a dozen years before I ever even met him.

There were certainly factors in our lives that made it easier for him to continue it, but I oppose the idea that I'm to blame in any way.

As for being blind? I lived with 2 nannies on Dday -- sisters. One of whom had previously been OW's nanny and had lived at her home for 2 years of the A and at ours for another year and a half. She was only partially bindsided. She said OW was pretty crazy about WH when we weren't around, and she had suspected something from that, but WH did not ever seem terribly interested in OW to her and she'd never seen anything actually suspicious. Other nanny and I were shocked.

Honestly -- it's best for you to accept that some people are incredibly sociopathic and excellent liars, rather than waste a lot of time blaming yourself. Perhaps there are things you could improve -- but is your WW worth it? Here in LTA, many people eventually divorce. And many of the rest of us are unhappily married for various reasons.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you already get the answer to
how do you view yourself during the time of the LTA

???

For a while, I viewed myself as a martyr, a victim, helpless, and idiot. There is some truth to that. XWH had launched an insidious, secret war against me in his head. I could do nothing right. I worked my ass off to keep the house, pay the bills, cook the food, care for the kids... all this stuff he couldn't give two shits about because he was so wrapped up in his marshmallow lollipop babytalk world. I was a victim, dammit. And it pissed me right off.

Over time, I've come to see that I allowed him to take advantage of me. He continued to do it after DDay#1 and DDay#2. He even tried his old tricks after I said "we need to get divorced." But I have worked very hard to get to a much healthier place within myself, and I have worked equally hard to understand what drives him. I know where I should have drawn lines but didn't because I let my nurturing/empathy drive my actions. I've always been self-sufficient but I can see it now, and I can admit when I need help and go get it.

I'm so much better because of all the work I've done since DDay#1. I'm proud of me now. During the LTA, I did the best I could, but I didn't have the tools to diagnose the problem, much less fix anything. I liked then-me. I'm just a bit smarter and less apt to be blind to bullshitting now. And I like that, too.

NOW!
Nell's news: The baby had surgery today and is recovering. The surgery will not fix any of her problems, but will facilitate her treatment and allow her to go home tomorrow. YAY!!!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, I may have missed it when I was away, but what happened with the baby? I hope your sister is okay and that she is holding up well.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1680 | Registered: Nov 2010
DestroyedDad
♂ Member
Member # 33525
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl,

Thanks for your take on my question. I so want to get back to this:

I refuse to let him taint my memories – they were real at the time and I still see them that way.

I have a lot of years worth of memories that I can’t really stand to touch right now. I’m desperately hoping that as time passes, the tainted part will fall to the background and I’ll be able to seem them again.

Tryn,

Yes, I think I did fall into the 80% - just doing my thing, taking care of the kids, running the house, etc… I hope to make my way to the upper 20% in the future.

Cdnmommy,

Thanks – I have a really, really good pair of IC’s that I’ve been seeing weekly since shortly after D-Day – a husband and wife team. They have brought me a long way in working on myself. What I did and didn’t do, and what I need to do to change myself towards forgiving myself and moving on. They keep telling me that things WILL get better. I’m believing them more and more each week. I think G_d must have had a hand in getting me to the right people from the beginning on this one.

M333,

I’m having a hard time, but making progress on accepting that WW is so broken that she may not be fixable. Certainly I have made it to the point that I feel making yet another try with her is not worth it for me. I need to get the craziness out of my sons’ lives NOW. I hope, for her own sake, that she will try to find a way to get better, but I can’t keep hanging around with the kids. If it were just me, I might stay around “unhappily married” at least for a while, but what I can see now in my teenager’s acceptance of the crazy as “normal” is not working for me – she has to get out of our day to day lives.

Nell,

I’ve read your story and replies in several different places here at SI. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your journey. It has made me laugh when I needed to laugh and cry when I needed to cry and made me strong when I was feeling weak. You keep right on being Nell and moving on to the great new days ahead that you deserve.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. My IC’s told me last night that they see that I’m making good progress on me, and I think part of it is certainly due to the ongoing therapy I get here.

DD


D-Day - 8/18/11
Me: BH - 42
Her: WW - 42
Kids - 14 & 9
OM: 63 - her boss
Headed for S then D.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: USA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD – those memories are yours. Put aside the fact that your WW was involved with her OM, it’s what YOU were doing and how YOU felt at the time. Sure, it all has a different hue now when you look back, but that doesn’t change how it was then. Your memories. Never let someone take that from you. I hope your IC can help you there.

I can only say this from the view of 5+ years out. I know how I felt then, during the affair – the fact that I no longer feel the same way about almost anything to do with fWH does not change the fact. I was happy then. I loved my (W)H, I loved my boys and I felt loved, even though I wasn’t. He was very good at masking and his true feelings seldom leaked. When they did, he always had a “reason” and made up for it.

I did get rid of everything to do with our wedding and our courtship. Burned all letters and cards, cut up my dress, threw out memorabilia and I don’t regret any of that. I kept our wedding album, but that’s all and that's for the sake of the boys. I have deleted and destroyed numerous photos taken during the affair – I couldn’t bear to look at him and somehow see a smug and arrogant look on his face. But. What he did cannot be allowed to take my happy times from me. I decided to take back what was mine. I will still have them even if we divorce. It’s like taking the higher ground, I suppose. I can say to him that I was true, I was authentic, I was the real deal. HE was the one who was a lying cheating POS and however wonderful it all was and however many wonderful memories he has of that time with b*tchface, it was all based on deceit and so the truth is it wasn't real, it was never honest and it was never going to be a patch on what we had had. His choices, his loss. I pull my boys close and know I am responsible for how they have turned out while he abandoned them for the best part of 7yrs. And more when he had his other "indiscretions". I will never let him take that from me either.

I’ll give you a picture. I have an album of memories that was caught up in a fire. The cover is burned, blackened and sooty. It’s gone mouldy from the water damage. But open it up and the tightly packed cellophane sealed pages are prised apart to show perfectly unspoiled photos. The outside is ruined, but the inside is fine. And guess what? I can always get a new album cover.

You will get there. Keep that knowledge of how it was for you and know that you are not responsible for your WW’s poor choices.

t/j Pareto’s Law – if that is the case, the 20% missing from our marriage that WH found in MOW is the percentage that supported the 80% he was giving to us. It’s the 20% that is the important part, not the 80% trundling along not doing much. On the other hand, by pursuing the 20%, WH risked losing the 80% to find that the 20% he was seeking was actually within himself.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdn,
The baby has a syndrome that will affect her arms all of her life and that will most likely affect her blood for the first 18 months or so. Her brain is normal, her heart is strong, and she comes from a long line of tough ladies. She'll do really well. Just needs occupational therapy and regular transfusions until her blood problem works itself out. And a good support system, which she most definitely has.

Dad,
Thank you! What a lovely thing to say.

P.S. Today is my birthday. I'm 40. Thank God my 30s are behind me; they SUCKED! It's all up from here!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

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