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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you holding that against him? You have chosen to stay.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you holding that against him?

just haven't forgiven that part quite yet.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3666 | Registered: Dec 2010
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tg, yep. We were talking after mc and things got a little heated.
She did,and rite away freaked out and bawled, apologizing.
I apologizd too.

Left a hand shaped mark.
I dont worry too much about it.
Over the years shes thrown shoes, and not the nice soft crocs, 4 inch stilettos mind you, a whole gallon of milk once, missed, a dvd once, anything not bolted down.
Its ok. I dont worry bout it.
I like that fire.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The good news is she admits everything now.
I have as well, which caused that reaction. Things she didnt know yet.
Hence, the beating(well ok slap)
You know, i deserved it really.
Ive been a shitty man.
Ive also been a shitty husband.
We spent the rest of the nite joined at the hip, so to speak.
So...

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eh,

Domestic violence is never ok. This is part of her crossing boundaries so to speak. And you are allowing it. It sets a very bad example in front of your children as to what is acceptable in a husband and wife relationship. Would you want your children to think that this kind of physical violence is ok?

My suggestion would be to take a look at it, and try to start working on setting boundaries on this from both sides. It will be a work in progress, but as long as both of you are willing to take a look at it, it can be fixed.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tg, i agree. On my part, ive never lifted a finger to her. As for the kids, theyve nevr seen mom do any of that. Arguemennts r behind closed doors.
When we were dating, we got into and arguement once, she threw her heels at me in the car. Rite out the window. I really dont worry.
To me, its a part of her temper.
Ah excuses excuses.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 1st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly , when she goes into whirlwind mode, i have a hard time not laughing, as it reminds me of the the old tasmanian devil cartoons.
Terrible way to deal, i suppose.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG - thanks for the words. They actually were reassuring.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 8:33 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Losfer had suggested that I head over to this forum thread and start posting.

I guess I've struggled with truly accepting the MH title. As you may have seen in some of my recent Wayward posts.

So...I'm here. I'm broken. I'm not sure which end is up. Official separation in progress and fwh moves to his new apartment next Saturday. My kid is a hot mess over it. I'm a hot mess over it. The more we are apart, the more I miss the good things. The more we are together, I know why I have to take this step. And I really miss the friendship and easiness that came with my OM friend. Hit me with timber if you must...just trying to be honest.

I haven't wanted to run away in a long time but today I feel like just getting in my car and driving away.

Problem is, I think the person I'm trying most to escape from would be right there with me the whole time.

I want a drink. Or a cigarette. Or any other way to self medicate. Anything but feeling feelings. Which suck.

I feel like I did right after d day and I can't understand why. I'm in weekly IC - have been since may 2012. It's just all so hard and overwhelming and I just want to fast forward. Or cry.

And I'm trying really, really hard to not be a victim.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 364 | Registered: Dec 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 918Mama!

When I suggested you post in this forum, I also mentioned I need to come down here more often, so here I am.

When I see someone is hurting, whether by another's actions, or their own, I tend to throw out hugs instead of timber.

((918Mama))

I totally understand the difficulty of accepting the role of being a madhatter.

For me, it was a whole set of bullshit rationalizations... "I never broke my marriage vows"... "Our relationship was on the rocks at the time"... "I suspected she was cheating on me anyway".

What really matters is taking ownership of your own actions, realizing them for what they are, and taking the steps towards fixing whatever part of you thought that was okay.

At the same time, there's the betrayed part of you that needs to heal as well.

Thanks for posting out here, and in turn motivating me to come back to this thread as well.

Hope everyone here is doing well this weekend.

ETA: Edited to change "BS" to "bullshit", because bullshit is what I meant. Didn't want it to get confused with the acronym for betrayed spouse.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 3:46 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 4559 | Registered: Dec 2010
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Losfer!

For the encouragement to come here. For the hugs. For reminding me that I need to not only heal myself but heal from the hurt I've experienced. I really appreciate it.

I'm not sure what's next. Just trying to sit with my feelings for a bit and work through them. I'm hopeful that I will be able to benefit and learn from others here who are much further down the road.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 364 | Registered: Dec 2012
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, 918Mama. Hope you can gain some clarity and healing here in the MH thread.

How's it going, JAS? Based on your current situation, I think you've absolutely taken the right step. Good for you!

Haven't posted an update for ages. It's hard to know what to say. Things have been difficult since the last setback (when I discovered H was looking at the FB profile of someone he'd had a secret coffee meeting with and admitted he found attractive). I guess we're moving forward now, but slowly.

I'm really glad there's this thread of other people who can relate, but I still feel quite alone in this situation. Especially with discovering an H who had been cheating on me for 15 years and all signs pointing towards sex addiction, but he isn't one. It's just so much to get my head around.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome 918 and welcome back Losfer.

Problem is, I think the person I'm trying most to escape from would be right there with me the whole time.

This is the truth for me too. And probably why everyone on SI encourages working on ourselves.

Grapefruit- thanks for asking and the support. It was a chaotic weekend (chaotic as in 'busy' rather than emotional).

I'm feeling very philosophical this morning and will share this snippet.

Apologies if anyone feels it's not appropriate. Apparently William James was of the mind that Actions cause Feelings (which goes with that 'love is a verb' sentiment that is discussed on SI quite a bit). At least...in my interpretation.

The Meaningfulness of Life

In answering the question of what is the primary objective of human life, William James maintains that a natural answer is happiness. It is this, which motivates us to act and endure. Evolution is often seen as a progressive advance towards happiness. The person who seems incapable of achieving it may well wonder whether life is worth living; suicide deciding that it is not. For James there is no absolute answer, and it is relative to the life being lived. A human life involves an ongoing series of possibilities. Some of these “maybes” may be realized if we believe in our own capacity to realize them; others will not be, either because we do not try or because we try and fail.

Life can become worth living if we believe that it is and act on that belief, our commitment giving it meaning.

Our happiness seems to require that we have ideals, that we strive to achieve them, and that we think we are making some progress towards doing so.


ETA: Unfortunately, in my past even when I've treated myself kindly I've never been able to get over my disdain for myself - even pre A's - so actions may not be the end-all/be-all. But it is probably true that they are a key component to healing.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 10:13 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

918m,
I feel like I did right after d day and I can't understand why.

The reason why this is happening is because you self medicated with your AP after DD. You have not dealt with your feelings in any real true way and so they are still there. The only way they go away is through them. Learning to sit with them and not try to escape them or yourself is going to be a journey for you. The question is, do you want to learn?

JAS,

Can you start to pinpoint the time in your life when you first remember feeling like that? What age did that start?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Jannarae
♀ New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in general, but since we are madhatters thought I'd try here too.

H came home in May and since he's been back we've had sex twice. The last time being 6 weeks ago. He has no interest in it at all. He touches me, cuddles me, kisses me but no sex not even anything close to it. It's doing a number on my self esteem. He just keeps saying sex gets in the way and he's not ready yet. He has gone NC with OW and I have access to all his passwords and phone, haven't seen anything that says he's still talking to her.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? Can R continue if he won't have sex with me?


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG - It started young and is the issue that my C is focusing on with me now that he has gotten the sense of me. Part of me wants to just schedule a day with the C so I can 'bang this sh** out' (ETA: NO PUN INTENDED!) and move on to the next thing. My H thinks if I just start to do self-soothing actions that the thought process will change. I told him that I've done that before and it helps but doesn't change the record in my head. So, I'm very curious as to how my C can guide me through this. So far I feel pretty raw before and after sessions and hopefully that's a good thing. I think that the next few weeks will help me determine if I feel that my C is being helpful or if I'm just paying someone to listen to me whine. (a little sarcasm there - I'm actually optimistic at the moment about the upcoming sessions). ETA2: I'm also guessing that the time in between sessions is just as important (or more?) than the sessions themselves as I mull over the last session. So, no, I don't really believe that a day-long crash course would be the right course of action...it's just wishful thinking.

Jannarae - welcome to our band of misfits. I'm sorry that you have a reason to be here but glad that you found us. I'm not the sagest person here but I'm slowly learning (I think!) :)

Since your H has come back how has the communication been between you two? For me, in the absence of intimate conversation I'm not able to feel it. Here, by 'intimate' I mean that the conversation is open, respectful, and forthright (regardless of topic).

How are YOU feeling about his return after a long absence?


ETA3: I messed up my Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer reference! (land of misfit toys). Not meant in any derogatory manner.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 11:18 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jannarae
♀ New Member
Member # 39849
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Communication between us is good, working towards great. It has definitely improved in the last month. It has been a little weird having him back, but I think that's to be expected. I do know that I like having him there.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
watchtheskyy
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Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everybody! I had intended on catching up and being active here back when thete were only 4 pages...now it's impossible! It's good to see support for MH's.

So, Ive realized I view myself as more of a BS than a MH. This is obviously a problem and I need to fix it...I just don't know where to begin. I ask WH questions about his A and he gets angry with me because "we did the same thing" but mine was ONS and his was a 7 month thing. I was deployed to another country and he was banging his AP in the house while I was pregnant two rooms over. We didn't have kids during my ONS but his AP babysat our son regularly. Does this thinking or comparison come across as a victim? When I have a question or a problem I try to think back to my situation..when he gives me an explanation I say to myself "ok I get that because..."

All in all I know we both cheated, I just feel like they're two different beasts. Is that healthy??


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
watchtheskyy
♀ Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the typos and scattered thoughts. I'm on my tablet with 3 toddlers around


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

watchthesky,

What really matters is taking ownership of your own actions, realizing them for what they are, and taking the steps towards fixing whatever part of you thought that was okay.
I just stole that from Losfer's post a few posts up because I think it applies here. (thanks, Losfer!)

My H cheated early in our M but he moved out first, before they had sex. He moved out to be with her and they were physical before he moved out, but he always thought that was 'better' than my multiple As and cheating while we were together.

Either way, they are both their own special kind of pain.

I have to say though, that being MHers does help us see the other side, and as sad and sick as it is, sometimes I'm glad for it.

(Not even sure if I answered your question. I rarely venture down here because I consider myself a FWW, but technically I'm a madhatter).


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


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