No longer together
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
Shocked were you still living together and acting as a couple or were you officially separated and filing for D?
See, I knew someone would come along that would know the right questions to ask.
Very important question Unagie is asking here.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 9:17 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by Shockedman at 3:12 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
However, in 1994, we separated because he was with OW (which I didn't know at the time, he just told me he was unhappy). Anyway....very long story short, while he was out of the house and my self esteem was shot, I met a guy through a friend and we had sex. BH decided he wanted to try to make the M work (he had some kind of revelation ) and he wanted to come home. We did IC/MC and he asked me if I slept with 'that busdriver'. I lied and told him no.
Years of rugsweeping, shitty MC, going through the motions of healing (damn no SI in the late 90s!) and I cheat...The busdriver was one of the rounds of TT. It was a 13 year lie that was very, very hard for my BH to swallow.
The point of this story is, tell your wife now. Don't let this lie stay out there. I thought I'd die with that secret. Then I got to a point in my life where I didn't want any more lies or secrets and there it was, still out there.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Also, a ONS is not the same as a long term EA and PA, but it does in some way help me empathize with WW a bit. Does anyone have any comments on that? Has being the betrayed and the betrayer helped you at all in healing? I don't want to do the wrong things for the wrong reasons because I now feel guilty.
[This message edited by Shockedman at 9:11 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
I think WW will freak, and rightfully so, then demand NC between me and my friend. Any advice on that?
You aren't married to the 'friend' and never were. its unfair of you to be married to someone and yet act like you owe something to this friend. You dont need to tell the friend anything and NC would be best for you right now. Regardless of your W, YOU need to act with authenticity. There is no 'fall in love' here unless you've seen unicorns farting rainbows flying by. i.e. give it a rest.
Please be gentle with me. Really struggling. Today is my 10 year wedding anniversary and I am SO sad.
[This message edited by Shockedman at 10:17 AM, July 12th (Friday)]
I may have missed it but how long ago did your WW A end? She may still be in the fog. Especially since the two of you are separated and not living as a couple, she may still be entertaining these "love thoughts" because she hasn't stepped out of the fog yet, it doesn't mean that she is in love (she is in love with the attention, and butterflies, and fantasy) and that R is not possible.
It is not "fair" that you should have to wait for her to get out of this fog, that you should have to suffer while she works on herself or whatever, but life isn't always fair, only you can decide if its worth it.
Im obviously injecting my own experience, but the day after my WH dday, which was actually the day he admitted there was someone else and finally came home to discuss with me, there was alcohol involved, i went to sleep (or honestly, passed out)...he left me at home, went to meet OW to do just that...apologize to her for ever being involved, for involving her in his drama, etc etc. this ow who 'meant nothing" who "was a mistake" who he "wasnt choosing over me" yep, after i begged him for nearly 48 hours straight to come talk to me after i found her phone number and had talked to her, after i drank myself stupid because at the time that was the only way i could possibly cope with my world crashing, after our conversation that night didnt make it that far because i was a hysterical mess, yep after all that, he left me to go "do the right thing and apologize to her" my reaction? what a load of bull..wayward thinking all the way...she didnt deserve any apology for any drama...she invited the drama in when she decided to be involved with a married man. again, not trying to sound harsh, just telling you my reaction. If you go to the friend first, when you do eventually tell your W, shes going to ask details, when what how where, when did you last talk to her, how did it go, if you knew it was so wrong and it made you feel so bad, why go apologize, why go "get closure" (also a wayward term) etc, these are the questions she will have, and your answer...i wanted to apologize to her for involving her, hurting her, using her, insert whatever is not going to sit well with your W. Again, good luck to you, i do hope this weekend improves for you.
If I could give you one piece of advice.
Do not apologize to the woman you slept with. She knew you were married and she chose to do it anyway. Say you can no longer have contact and leave it at that.
Hardlessons apologized to his AP and it is one thing that I have a really hard time with. She deserved no apology, she was messing with a married man, she deserved nothing, she was lucky she didn't hear from me. If your wife finds out you apologized she will have a hard time.
So my story I will go into a little more detail here. About 6 years ago I had an EA with a man that I met online while gaming. H was working out of town and I found myself lonely and feeling sorry for myself (not an excuse at all, just the way I felt). Well this OM said all the right things and before I knew I fell for his bullshit. We never had any sexual contact it was all online, but I did send some pics. H found out after I had been involved in this affair for 2 years. He of course was devastated and I felt dirty and disgusting and so many other things.
H stayed and we continued on pretty much like it never happened. Rugsweeping I think is the term used.
On 4/27/11 H came home to me and told me that he had been cheating on me for 6 months, which I already knew cause I had evidence (emails, phone bills, stuff like that). Then told me that he wanted to be with this OW and that he was leaving me. He moved out the same day and proceeded to live with OW for the last two years.
Okay here is where the story gets weird I guess. I never stopped loving H and although in the 2 years of our seperation I dated, I found I was just happier being single and raisin my boys. Well in March H calls me and asks me if he can move into my spare bedroom and he wants to see if we can work on our marriage and fix it. I was shocked but I agreed.
On 5/11/13 he moved back into the house but not into the spare bedroom as I do not have a bed in there, so needless to say we are sleeping together. We have talked a lot about the A and the last two years. He says things like he wanted me to feel what he felt and then things just got out of hand and before he knew two years was up. He has also told me that he is not sure that he loves me anymore but he does know that he loves/d her. His actions don't tell me that he doesn't love me as far as when he's touching me and such. Sex has happened twice but neither of us really want to do it right now.
We are not in any counseling as of right now, but we talk a lot and he has told me that he has NC with her. He has given me all of his passwords for everything and I can check the cell phone records if I want, but I was completely obsessing so I had to stop and pull myself away from looking. I have mind movies all the time of him and her and the fact that he was basically married to her for 2 years.
I don't really know what kind of advice I am looking for. I guess it just helps to get it out, to type it out. I want to move forward and I want to believe that we are in R.
I guess I am just hoping that it will get easier...