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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well her only problem with going to him is the doors dont open for him where he is. Hmmmm.
He wont be out anytime soon.
Maybe good, maybe not.
Thankfully, im not around her much to watch her pining for him. Screw that. Shes on her own there. She better not show it around me.
Im no better, i know. But i ended my sht yrs ago and owned it ever since.
Sorry anger spills out today...
Thx to all.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy 4th.
If anyone is still looking.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy 4th to you EH and everyone else on this thread.


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate trickle down truth. From me. From him. ugh.

Sometimes I just feel like I am not worthy of anything.

But today I feel better. I feel like maybe we are moving forward.

Do you ever hate the person you were during your A? I am so ashamed of myself and who I was.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 344 | Registered: May 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cup, i still hate who ive become.
Change is slow..insert favorite time related cliche here plz...i hear your sadness, try to have a good rest of today...

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So ummm,,,, possibly tmi, but in regards to hb, my wife tells me tonight she felt like she got screwed by an angry gorilla .
I did feel like an angry gorilla.
I threw her around. Mind you, theres a bit of a size diff....shes 5ft. At most 100#
Im 6-4 225.
Now, im trying to figure this hb out.
I dont mean to seem out of bounds with si, but has anyone had this happen? Anger being released during sex. It was crazy. ( no she was not hurt or mad about it, she just was amazed by me..so she says..)

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been awhile since I posted here and I'm so sorry to see new members. I know you guys aren't brand new to the thread but let me extend a belated welcome. EH to answer your question yes anger was common for us. We never had angry sex before the A's came out and for awhile it was filled with that emotion. It wasn't a happy thing, after a couple times it made me feel empty and used at the same time. Be careful with your wife saying she enjoyed it. I might be reading to much into it but it sounds like she enjoyed it because it excited her. Anger should not be a part of the intimacy that sex should be in my opinion. I also wanted to add that there is a substantial size difference between us as well, he has a foot on me and a good 100 lbs or more. If he wanted he could do serious damage fairly easily but that's never been a worry for me.

As for a personal update I vent a lot in wayward and general and have gotten many 2x4's from TG and others which is why I haven't posted here in awhile. I have been reading though. After the last fight with SO things have been okay, not great and not terrible but it still feels off. Affection is not there and neither is intimacy. I found a card for unlimited salsa lessons in his wallet. I showed him the website for this place weeks ago as a spot my friend and I were looking at to take lessons and he never mentioned his pass. I've invited to teach him for years and he has told me he doesn't like the dance. I brought him to a spanish club with me once and he left when we were 2 blocks away to go hang out with his friends because he doesn't like spanish dancing. This is part of my heritage and was important to me long before my A. I accepted he would never like it and dropped it. Now I find out he's paid for unlimited lessons with his BFF. Add in the no intimacy, no affection, continued lies, and no transparency and I'm so close to my breaking point. The fact that life feels kind of normal right now makes it worse. I just got a new job I start in a couple weeks and I'm back in school, take dance lessons and hang out with friends. Cook, clean, take care of the dog and no fighting for a few weeks now. It's all so normal but it feels off. It feels like we're acting and like it's all going to come crashing down any day now.

[This message edited by Unagie at 5:22 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie, thank u...we were thinking we were alone in this. The hb thing is confusing as the "movies" of our infidelities play out here as well. Hence the anger, i suppose.
I lurked here a long time due to my sleeping around, had to get a handle on it..ur posts became a must read for me early on. So did KBs , noescape helped me in only one response, and i soaked up TGs as well. These waters have far too many waves to go alone.
One min we r divorcing, next we r tossing each other around in hb.
I need a manual....

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately there isn't one to be found. Everyone's story is as different as it is the same. So while some of the same things happen each couple will handle it differently. The rollercoaster is hell and no one wants to be on it. You guys may go back and forth on divorce for awhile. The pain is unimaginable for a long time. Just keep working on you and if you do decide to stay together make it clear she has work to do too.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2362 | Registered: Oct 2012
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 7th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie, my wifes heritage is e similar as yours. Shes from mexico, moms european spanish, dads from
jalisco-ish area.
Does your bf know what hes missing? Salsa is such a sensual thing to share.
Honestly it sounds as though he needs a wakeup. Im irish, and ther aint no good irish dances to be sensual too. Its almost therapeutic..

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cuppa,
Yes, i hate the person i was during my A. At the time i thought i loved her, she was a fun girl, people liked her...what a joke..she was a lying, manipulating, girl living in a fantasy. ive recently been thinking about the last time i was really happy in my marriage, i would give anything to have those people back....i hate the person i am now too...bitter, mistrusting, overreading into every single thing, unable to enjoy even the little things, its miserable

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing new to say...except today i just want to be happy...im tired of feeling bad and worrying...i just want to be happy, even if its for a day. how are you cuppa, exhausted?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spidey its good to see u bak.
We r in a weird place atm.
We oddly enough, r bak tgethr.
Have mc appointment.
More ic.
One thing she did blows me away.
She put everthing out on the table.
Pretty much on her own.she seems to be starting to feel remorse? Hard too tell. Me, im still in that what a shthd ive been place. Ideservewhatshedid. Yep.
Good to see u.
Prayers for all...

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in to say hi. I posted in the R forum recently. I found out my H has been looking at the FB profile of an attractive woman - one he's admitted was attractive before and sent him slightly inappropriate texts. It's not the first time we've had this conversation, so I'm pretty angry about it. We were doing so well, and I'm annoyed that he's set us back yet again ...

Hope the rest of you are doing ok. EH, you're back together, wow! That's great. Don't get stuck in that "I deserve what she did" place. It's not good for anyone. You don't deserve what she did, and she doesn't deserve what you did.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

exhausted....i always feel like im in the i deserve what he did place...especially when things are going rough. sometimes i get proof when he tells me "you have no idea what you deserve" yes actually i do. when im feeling stronger or maybe after a counseling appt, i know what i deserve, i deserve a husband that communicates to me, that i communicate with, that treats me with love and respect and that I love and respect. I had those things once and I am working hard to get them back.
its hard for me to not think i deserve all that has happened, I caused it. I know i didnt force him to do what he did, nor did i force him to make the questionable decisions that he did before my A that I used to justify my A, but thats neither here nor there. My IC seems to think that I am still there, that it seems so very hard for me to believe that my H wants me and to R with me because I havent forgiven myself yet, until I can forgive myself for hurting the person i loved the lost, for lying, for plotting, etc, how can i believe hes forgiven me, even if he really has (not saying he has yet). idk, lots of rambling thoughts in my head this week.
I hope that things settle down at least for a little while for you as you two have been on stormy seas for a bit. one day at a time right?

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that I am here. My WW had a nearly year long affair. In really deep. PA and EA. Is currently "In lurrve" with her AP. In the aftermath I am/was totally shocked, hurt and destroyed. We were married nearly a decade. The fact that she is on love with AP has made hopes on R very dim and plans for D very real.

Feelings of inadequacy and sexual self esteem issues plagued me. We have not had sex in over 8 months and I was a wreck. About 2 months after d-day, I slept with a friend. I was an emotional wreck. We were drinking heavily and I KNEW I was putting myself in a sticky situation, but I proceeded. After it happened I felt worse that ever. Now possibly ruining a friendship, complicating the current situation I am in and it didn't make me feel better at all.

Now what? We are not in R. We are both in IC and "discussing" MC. We were and still are heading for D, but I am torn. I have not told WW yet. I feel I want to, but I want to for the right reasons. Not just to hurt her, but because it is needed for healing and if we end in D anyway, what would be the point?

Any insight from anyone out there? I feel like a jerk and a hypocrite. Since d-day, all I did was question and want honesty and details. Now I am there. I know a ONS isn't the same and I am not in love, but I still cheated too and now and in a bigger mess than ever. It didn't seem possible before that it could get any worse, but it has. SOS! :(


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Spideysense
♀ Member
Member # 39591
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear shocked...I am sorry that you find yourself here. I don't have a lot of advice as I was the WW first and am currently still in BW mode.
I will say one thing that stood out to me is that you said a ONS isn't the same but that you still cheated...IMHO, your BW will feel the hurt that you did. My A was longer, deeper, more involved, more physical etc than what my WH did....I was still crushed, devastated, etc. My H has voiced many times that he feels like I played him for a fool during my A, I feel he did the same, telling me he was working to forgive me, loved me, wanted to make sure he was the only one i ever wanted again...but those were lies because there was an OW.
Tell your W. Even if D is where you are heading...tell her. Know that it will hurt her but tell her.
is she still talking to her AP? How long has the A been over?
Again I am really sorry, if you are both truely undecided about R, this may be the straw that breaks the camels back, but either way you can both move forward in one way or another. There is no hope of true R if you harbor this secret.
And as I said currently in BW mode, it does help me to hear that what you did did not make you feel better. My WH has told me the same thing and that he wishes he never made the choices he did, it was pretty alcohol induced each time, hearing a complete stranger say they think the same helps lend him credibility if that helps at all

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have lost my joy. i have lost my motivation.

the only thing i feel like doing it going to the cow's work and spray painting slut on her car.

i am no longer the person i thought i was. i have been shredded to the core by this.

the husband went to IC. I never know if i should ask what he talked about or not. we just ended up fighting all day.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 344 | Registered: May 2013
Shockedman
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

any other insights to my f'ed up sutuation? freaking out a bit.......

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked - Welcome to this forum. That's a really tough situation you are in. I'm not sure I can offer you much advice. You say you are headed towards D, but are you still physically intimate with your wife? If so, or even if there's a remote chance that you will be physically intimate with her, she needs to know that you've been with another partner, if for no other reason but to know that she may be risking her health.

If she is still actively involved with the OM, not pursuing any kind of relationship with you, and headed towards divorce, I really don't see any reason to tell her, but that is just my opinion. I'm sure others will be along with advice. This can be a slow moving thread at times, just to let you know.

Take care. I'm glad you found the courage to post here.


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