I am sorry for your pain. It is a hard place to be in right now. What have you done for you today that is a healthy thing?
And yes, for a bit, she will be all over the map. So will you. It is normal.
Wife is coming home.
Today. She txtd me and told me shes scared. She asked to see my ic with me...and wants to talk.
Im not sure i want to now.
Just want to see the girls...
You all have a wonderful day.
Im going home.
Then he got all over me about bringing this up before work and he threw the separation and divorce thing out as neither of us can stop thinking about our pain. And then left and said hopefully I'll be there when he got home.
I said I was sorry I brought it up before work and I would. But, I hate that I have to put my pain in a little box and wait to release it. just sharing and talking make me feel better. It makes him feel worse.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
Why are you feeling like you are not sure if you want to see her? Are you feeling angry? If you are, that is very normal at this stage. You will go up and down, very rapidly with your feelings right now.
has he asked you not to discuss these things before work before?
These questions that you are asking, are they going to bring you closer to a resolution on how you feel about this?
Do you feel it was fair of him to ask you that question back?
Do you think picking and choosing a good time to talk to him helps get a better response?
I guess I should have waited until after work, although i was about ready to burst. I don't think the response would have been better, but he might not have headed off to work so pissed.
I had PA's with multiple men last summer. I was trying to escape a life that I was unhappy with. My BH discovered 6/30/12. I did not come clean with all the details for 2 months (I know now BIG MISTAKE) and during that time, he made life hell for me -- verbal, physical, emotional abuse. (Yes, the abuse has stopped.) In Sept., we agreed to work through it and started MC (part of the counseling was Anger Mgmt for him).
I had to do a lot of soul searching throughout the process. The shame got to be almost unbearable. I wanted to prove in every way, every day that I was worthy of his forgiveness and worthy to be his wife again. I wanted to understand why my A happened and how I can make sure I am never in that dark place again. He has made great improvement with his Anger Mgmt. I thought we had come so far. We "graduated" from MC in early May.
Two weeks later, I discovered that he had a EA/PA with another BS that he met. It began with chats, calls, lunches in October '12, and according to him became PA in January. Supposedly it ended in April. They bonded over their mutual betrayals. And then yes, knowing how much it hurt them, they proceeded to have an A.
We are already back in MC. However, yesterday, we had a really bad day. I had a moment of insecurity and asked to look at his mobile phone. (BTW, the OW contacted him on Memorial Day. She found out then when I replied to her text that I knew about the A.) My husband got really angry that I asked to see his phone.
Up until this point, he has been kissing my butt, doing all the right things. But yesterday, he told me that he still hasn't forgiven me for my A, feels that since my A was with multiple men that it was worse and basically said he would have never had A if I had not had one first. It began as revenge, but he fell in love with this woman. He treated her as a girlfriend, took her to nice dinners, took her to a concert that I had bought tickets for us to go to, but couldn't because I was home sick with the flu, bought her roses. He boasted about the A to some of our mutual friends and even double-dated with them.
I feel more hurt by the emotional betrayal by him than the physical betrayal. Also, I feel crushed that I thought we were working together in MC. I can't understand how he could attend the weekly sessions, while actively having an A, knowing how he felt, knowing the consequences.
I told him today why I was so hurt by the A, but because I had also sinned, I knew I could forgive him. At least I'm not making his daily life hell right now as he was mine at this point a year ago.
I also told him that while he was "phoning in" the MC, I was doing the hard work and the soul searching. That attending MC appointments and doing the reading was a waste of time, unless he is ready to do the soul searching too. Also, as long as he thinks that what he did isn't as bad and didn't hurt me as much as what I did, he is never going to truly understand his A and I feel never truly take responsibility for it.
I don't know what else to do. I'm so scared that a year from now we will have been through this MC process AGAIN and he still will not have forgiven me. He will still see me as the Wayward one and him as the victim of my actions.
Any advice? I'm living the emotional roller coaster these days.
Mine DD - 6/2012
His DD - 5/2013
There is no way for you to ever have a truly honest, authentic marriage unless you are honest with your H. He doesn't know at this point what kind of M he is in. Only you know that.
Of course you are still addicted to the AP still, he is giving you what you are looking for, validation. That is something you should be getting internally not externally.
Read some of the articles in the healing library in the little yellow box to the left, that will help you understand some of the things you need to know about confessing and what your H will go through. Although you already know some of that, being a bs yourself. That is the unfortunate position we have as being madhatters.
Your H can't hold you responsible for his affair. That stands on it's own. He made choices that he didn't have to make. Just as you did.
You can also make choices now, if he is not showing remorse or a desire to change, what are your boundaries with that? Those are some of the things that you may want to start to determine.
Welcome both of you, sorry you are here.
We are in MC, but I feel it may be too late. There has been so much damage done.
I want to have a happy healthy marriage, but considering everything, is that possible?
It's not too late, but I believe you can't really have a healthy marriage if you aren't being honest with your H. It's really hard to properly address the reasons for your A if you haven't confessed to him. Are you in IC? Do you know why you had an A?
I met someone about a year ago who really made me feel good about myself.
It's good you've said this - many people have affairs because they like the reflected image of themselves. It's not about the person they have an affair with. It's about how they make them feel.
Ashamed - are you sure your H has ended his affair? If he's getting angry when you ask to look at his phone, that's not a good sign. And pointing the finger at you is classic blameshifting. As TG said, your actions are yours to own, just like his are his to own.
One more thing:
He boasted about the A to some of our mutual friends and even double-dated with them.
Really?! You need to get rid of these friends stat! They are not 'friends of the marriage'.
ETA: EH how are you doing?
[This message edited by grapefruit at 11:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
I feel like we are two steps forward and then something brings us back.
I found out he slept with her 3 times not the 2 he told me. Then he started showing me with his actions that he was sorry.
Then today I found in his phone that he had her phone in the notes saved the night I made him call her, start NC and then delete her from his phone. He said he wanted to save it so he could call her to apologize. Phone records show he hasn't talked to her on his cell since the NC call. WTF? She fucked up too. Why does she get an apology. I am livid and he knows it. He was pulling out all of the things he could do to help me. He said he forgot he saved it. Whatever. I"m pissed because of his reason for doing so. She doesn't deserve an apologoy for the way it ended. She was just as guilty as he was. They both could have said no.
Also I spoke to him about how it bothers me that he thinks it was okay to continue to be friends with her after they decided to end the physical part. I told him he should have not talked to her again and that it wasn't really over in December. It was over on d day.
I just hate seeing his brokenness because then I feel sad for him not angry.
I am trying to focus on the kids and not to let my mind wander.
Tonight he picked me up coffee. Deleted her number from his phone and finally deleted a picture from FB with her in it. He also cleaned up after the kids so I could relax. He did use words to apologize but that is insignificant right now and I told him that.
I think he away how Hirt I was and is finally starting to understand how what he did was wrong.
I am trying to put my game face on so I can fight this evil and get the marriage I deserve.
Sorry cuppa. Sounds like his head is definitely still in the A. But it sounds like you are doing all the right things and being strong - good for you.
the whole saving her number thing is really pissing me off still.
I can't get over the fact he thought she deserved an apology. Or that he felt like he might need to see if she was okay.