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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who are here this very much a madhatter situation.
Ive been cheating for years. 14 of the first years. Yesterday, due to a left open laptop, ive learned she has been in an affair of her own. More laterr...

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eh, breathe. being a MH does nothing to diminish the pain of being the BS. read out at JFO to get started, and read up on the healing library.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All these years i had my "reasons" .
Sexless marriage...
Limited emotional attachment from my wife...i mean sht, i can count in my head how many times in 16 yrs we have even had sex. I felt used and betrayed very early in this marriage.
Used to move out...used as a meal ticket. Very limited intimacy from the start...bear in mind i stayed celibate for two years while dating. I look back now and hake my head as to my entitled thinking. Blows me away.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All these years i had my "reasons" .
Sexless marriage...
Limited emotional attachment from my wife...i mean sht, i can count in my head how many times in 16 yrs we have even had sex. I felt used and betrayed very early in this marriage.
Used to move out...used as a meal ticket. Very limited intimacy from the start...bear in mind i stayed celibate for two years while dating. I look back now and hake my head as to my entitled thinking. Blows me away.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for double post.
Android fone..need i say more?

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All these years i had my "reasons" .
Sexless marriage...
Limited emotional attachment from my wife...i mean sht, i can count in my head how many times in 16 yrs we have even had sex. I felt used and betrayed very early in this marriage.
Used to move out...used as a meal ticket. Very limited intimacy from the start

eh: these aren't reasons, they're excuses, justifications... you had no right to cheat on her no matter what kind of wife she was.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3667 | Registered: Dec 2010
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The COW texted the husband Saturday night before she showed up to his theater. He texted her back.

He never told me. I found it in the text messages on the cell phone website. He thought it would start a fight to tell me. WTF? A 20 minutes arguement later and he still hasn't said he was sorry.

I am floored.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachelc, youre rite. Without question. This is why my original post started out the way it did. I deserve what she did on so many levels it kills me.
I started ic about 5 years back, and only recently in the last two or so, have my ic and i worked on my affairs. There was a lot there, underneath it all on my side.
We had drawn up plans for full confession to my wife.
It took a year to see how bad this was going to be. My ic guided me toward disclosure from the start but really hit high gear in the last 3mths or so.
My wife has NO ideas about ANY of my affairs.
She doesnt know that i know about her either.
I sit in my pile of sht and shake my head. I do deserve this.
Rachelc, i know now that those reasons i had were crap. So justified.
I thk u for response...

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not want to confront her. I am unable to find the guts.
From what i was able to find, shes been in an EA/PA for about 9 m
With who, i dont know yet. I only have a screen name. But hes local and they have met and fvked. Pics...emails...videos...
Pics of everything. Him and her together in bed for gods sake.
I got sick. And threw up.
Nothing in life hit me like this.
The video of them was particularly
graphic. I had hours to peruse this info. Closed it all down and, well,
did nothing. Wife could tell something was off last nite.
She seemed worried, but did not say anything.
The kicker??? My ic and i were going to have a sit down with her next week to disclose my affairs. I had made preparations on the side with a friend as i knew it would more than likely be the end.
We do have two girls...young4/7.
Now everything seems wasted.
My girls....im sick. Again.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that im composed...
For what its worth now, my screwing around ended years ago. Ic was started and massive amounts of work was done in ic. Took yrs to get here. Wife says just weeks ago that our marrige is the best its been. Ever.
Well that statement coincides with one of her meetups as ive learned.
One where , and i quote, all kinds of nasty porn star sex was had by both of us, dont gou agree? Yea babe, but your husband dont do that.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eh.

I can see that you understand that you get that how you validated your reasons at the time to have affairs are not right now. I am sorry that you have found out the way you have about your wife. That is a devastating way to find out.

You don't deserve this, regardless of what you have done, each affair stands on its own.

Are you thinking about confronting her?

Cuppa,

This is not good news. As I am sure you know. He has broken NC and has lied about it. The 180 that you did, while you thought that is was successful, it was not. You have to do that for you. It is not something that is done to get a reaction from him or get him to behave a certain way. Do it so that you become stronger. I recommend reading it again and putting it in place.

No escape,

Have been reading your replies and some of your posts in BM and it sounds like you have come a long way since your earlier time on SI. This is good. Knowing where you stand in this process is a good thing and I see that eventually you will get to a point where you can leave your M and be ok with that decision.

Grapefruit,

How are you doing?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very shtty day. I tow tractor-trailers for a living(big rigs...).
I failed, for the first time in my career to chain it up properly. 20 yrs, off and on never a problem. Today...it fell off the underlift. Thankfully, no damage as i was in our yard moving slowly.
A loaded rig.80,000 pounds.
I took some time off today.

TiredG, as to confronting...i feel i dont have the right to. Does anone else feel this way? I called my ic and even told him wats happened...ive put the confession on the back burner. For now anyway.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eh, I am concerned about both of you, have yourself checked for stds and I would suggest being careful with your wife till your DDay with her. I would suggest that you go through with that appointment with your IC and W, every day more of hiding the truth is yet another day of deceit and disrespect, regardless of how your W is acting. Time for you to be authentic. Transparency and being honest satarts NOW, there is no planning and aligning stars for this kind of stuff. Keep your disclosure and remorse separate from your wife's As, that's her shit to own and disclose. Which doesn't mean you put up with continual lies, deception and being unsafe, protect yourself and your littles from her behaviours. if you can get her to stop it with disclosure/confrontation, do it. Again JFO is a great resource to find out how to confront. It's a wound, cauterise it or it will keep gnawing and getting septic. Stop trying to avoid the pain and the fall out, it will happen sooner or later and you'll never know whether your working on R or headed for a D till things come to a head, no point in faking a 'nice marriage'. She'll probably be in as much shock as you are in right now.

Cup, I'm so sorry to hear about this; TG is right, no transparency+breaking a boundary/NC is seriously in remorseless territory, time for your H to put on his big boy pants and not act like a scared widdle childman. 180 takes a lot of detachment from the outcomes, keep working it and keep finding what you like to do on your own for yourself, it sounds selfish but the ultimate goal is to get healthier.

TG, thanks, it took a long while for me to internalise the message that I cannot affect an outcome. After two years of pseudo marriage advise and MC (working on needs and love busters etc... Etc...) and trying an ineffective 180 with the intention to "make her see what she's doing", and still struggling with the unanswered 'why/what?" Questions, I realised that actions are all that matter. Getting drawn into discussion and 'working shit out' together won't work if you're not on the same team to begin with. It's the analogy of screaming against the wind, nothing you can actually do about it (try telling that to my coda self)...

I kinda lost my gist here, so I'll stop for now. Thanks for all the support.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eh can look in JFO for ideas on how to do this, he however cannot post in JFO due to his madhatter status unfortunately.

eh, noescape has given you good advice, it is time to be authentic in your M, she needs to know the truth about her M, from your side and that you know what she has been doing. Time to put it all on the table. Maybe do it before a weekend and have someone who can watch the kids for the weekend so you guys can deal with the fallout.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG and NE, thank you. Was wondering if folks thought i posted to much. I did i suppose last night.
Not much more to report.
Ive been tested several times in regards to stds. No problems. It was one of the sickening things i did to be able to further my own affairs. Planned out. Just sick.
My head is spinning so bad rite now.
My darling wife is cooking dinner for the kids.
I noticed her laptop is missing today.
It never leaves the den.
I did close down her comp yesterday.
I think i screwed up by doing
She had to notice. Shes been different since. Quiet. Not like her.
Shes not said anything yet though...

[This message edited by exhaustedheader at 9:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him when he drops her skank ass from FB that I'll know he's committed to me and that we can move on to r.

She is still his FB. 180 time for me.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He deleted her this morning.

He wants to talk tonight.

I don't know.

[This message edited by cuppacoffee at 1:18 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cup, i almost dont think i can give advice so i wont. However, i can cheer on those making amends.
Ive read your comments. Seems like a small first step. One can only hope.
EH

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eh,

Where are you at today with things?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
exhaustedheader
♂ Member
Member # 39459
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im at a strange place. Not sure what to do at all. Ic apt later. I agree with responses that i need to keep original plans. Ic will talk with me today.
I think she suspects i know,Her laptop is probably at her work. Yep elephant in the room. As its put. Strange impasse. I want to get mad. At something.

[This message edited by exhaustedheader at 6:01 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: exhaustedheader
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