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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cuppa,

So glad to hear your date went well.

How is everyone else doing today?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The husband is crabby today. Almost angry. I don't know why and it feels like it did when he was cheating. He's distant and cold.

Maybe it sunk in last night that he can never be friends with her again. I think he thought maybe in time it would be okay. I told him never ever again.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The husband is crabby today.

Ditto. He didn't like it when I didn't applaud enough when he said that he didn't talk to her yesterday. I said it was a good baby step but he had some work to do to catch up to me (so we could then work ahead together).


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cuppa and shadow,

Step back a bit and detach, watch their actions. Words right now mean nothing. If they cannot prove that they are going to change with their actions then you are not in R.

Don't chase and don't ask. Just watch. Good luck ladies and I hope that your H's step up to the plate.
TG


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cuppa, I'm glad the date went well. I know when my H is crabby, it's often because he is realizing the magnitude of what he did - and he didn't even sleep with her! Maybe it's the same for your H; the fun time you had last night has brought to light just how much he screwed up?

I'm ok today. I'm still frustrated with H because he's not giving me the attention I think he should be - we're back to pre-D Day behaviors and have been for a few weeks. I couldn't find any A activity but the behavior was so opposite what a person trying to R would do that it led me to being stupid and contacting OW last weekend, pretending to be him to see if she'd say something that would give me the proof I was sure was out there. Dumb dumb dumb - I got no new knowledge and she contacted him about it so knows I was stupid, too.

Sunday is our MC and the whole plan is to talk about the behavior I'm seeing, how it makes me feel and all that. I'm kind of nervous about it.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I'm afraid of- that we aren't in R and we are never going to be.


I sound like the biggest whiner around here! I just hate this so much!


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best thing I did after my DD was to sit back and watch my H's actions and detach from him. If he didn't follow up with what he said he was going to do I was out the door. I had no time for words, I needed to see that he was going to follow up with action and he knew it.

Where are you guys at with being able to detach and work on your own healing and let go of your H's so you can move forward with or without them?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to bump a thread for you guys to read, it is written by wert, and it is about the things you should do after Dday, it has some really good advice.

ETA: The title of the post is 1.5 yrs out

[This message edited by tired girl at 2:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks TG!

You are very insightful and it has helped me out a lot.

I really appreciate it.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your welcome, I hope your day gets better.

Oh yeah, that thread was in recon.

[This message edited by tired girl at 2:54 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After having a fight about his actions today the husband surprised us with a trip two cities over to a hotel with a pool. He apologized for not just telling me how he was feeling when I asked him. That was one of the issues we had during the a. He felt like he couldn't talk to me about anything. I feel guilty about being pissed. I did tell him that I needed actions not words.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good, what can help is to be clear on what actions help you. If communication was a problem, he needs to work on that, if he is conflict avoidant, he should figure out why. Give him some tools to start with.

I am glad that things ended on a good note.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another good day for us. We had some good discussion.

I wish we could just get divorced and then remarry to start off fresh again.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Cuppa, right there with you.

We had a shitty few days. Sat I contacted OW pretending to be him because I just knew there was more info I wasn't getting and I thought that info was broken NC. She called him to tell him about it because she thought someone was messing with her. When she called she read him the convo and he knew it was me because I'm the only one who had all that info.

Yesterday I disocvered a deviant art account had been set up by him, but no deviant art links in the browser history. Curious. So today, in a long conversation about many things, it came out that he's been indulging in a fetish I thought he stopped 8 years ago...and he's been doing it the whole time. He's also been pleasuring himself to porn 1-2 times a week for the past 2 years. I had no idea about any of it. Counseling tomorrow should be interesting!


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dh has a fetish too. I hate it but I indulge on occasions to keep him happy.
He doesn't look at the porn any more but he has some pix of me from awhile back he uses.

Yesterday he said he was afraid that he was losing me back when his a started. Idk about that. I admit I was wrapped up in the kids. Lately I've been spending more time with him and trying to communicate more and better.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dh has a fetish too. I hate it but I indulge on occasions to keep him happy.
He doesn't look at the porn any more but he has some pix of me from awhile back he uses.

Yesterday he said he was afraid that he was losing me back when his a started. Idk about that. I admit I was wrapped up in the kids. Lately I've been spending more time with him and trying to communicate more and better.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has never asked me to participate in his fetish, he just secretly looks at pictures and reads stories about it, then deletes the browser history so I don't know about it. The porn was a secret too, and was being used instead of having sex with me. In the meantime he was telling me he couldn't get an erection

Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he ashamed of it?
Do you want to participate in it?

Obviously very personal questions to ask yourself. No need to answer me!

I did the 40 beads thing with the husband and gave him special beads to give when he wants the kinky stuff. It works for us and at least I'm not surprised later.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
Uneek
♀ Member
Member # 38416
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he is ashamed of it. It threw me for such a loop when I first found out years ago that I didn't react well. I thought it was a sexual thing but he says it isn't. I have a list of questions to ask when he gets home - mainly, if it's not sexual, what do you get out of it?

The porn is the part that bothers me most right now, and even that wouldn't bother me if he weren't using it to substitute for me. But he's specifically doing it so that he doesn't have to have sex with me, and that's a major issue for me.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2013
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I don't get why he'd go porn when there is a real life woman in his bed! That would make me mad too.
It's stupid but I feel like when we are having sex regularly items he loves me. When we dip below 2-3 times a week I feel horribly unloved.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 345 | Registered: May 2013
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