[This message edited by hobbeskat at 11:00 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]
For me, the acts themselves haven't been as bad as finding out that it was going on for the entire length of our relationship and the fact that he lied and lied after I discovered the most recent affair. I feel like I can get past the fact that he had sex with other people more easily than the deceit - I'm sure other people can relate to that, too.
I feel the same way. H's was an EA, but the fact that he was putting someone else over me doesn't bother me nearly as bad as some of the things he said to me. In fact, I'd say that's where my triggers lie - not so much in the fact that he was intimate emotionally with someone else, but in him saying that he was going to leave me except he thought it would make him look like a failure, in him saying his lack of attraction toward me was because of my weight, etc. I know now that it was the fog speaking, but it still hurts my heart.
Hobbes, I'm no expert but I think the answer to your question is no. his reasoning sounds like personal justification and blameshifting to me.
[This message edited by authenticnow at 5:56 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]
At 26 I cheated on my husband. We had been married for 5 years and had 3 kids. We worked through it and now have been married for almost 12 years and have 3 more kids.
I have been afraid that he was going to cheat on me since I had told him that I did.
Well it finally happened. About 10 months ago he became friends with someone from work. About 6 months ago they slept together twice. Then they agreed it was over in that regard but they wanted to stay friends. She transfered jobs and they stayed in contact.
I was suspicious. I confronted him for months.
He finally admitted to sleeping with her.
I feel guilty for being hurt and crushed by this.
Sorry to find you here in madhatters, how are you doing?
It is perfectly normal for you to feel crushed by this, after all you have just been betrayed, just as your H was.
What is your H saying at this point? Do the two of you have a plan on how you are going to work through this?
Right now he is all for R which I am but I"m not all the way there yet I mean my heart wants to but it also wants to be pissed right now. I want to sleep and wake up in 40 years when this doesn't hurt so much but just a sting.
My emotions were all over the place. I was so hurt by what he'd done, but I was also weirdly relieved to not be the only one in my relationship bearing the "wayward" title. I was completely blindsided because I thought we were in a good place in our relationship, but I still felt like I deserved his betrayal. It was a horrible emotional roller coaster.
I'm sorry you're here. Please remind yourself that you did not deserve it. Regardless of your prior actions, your WH made a choice that has hurt you and you're allowed to be hurt.
Hobbes - I'm not sure if your sleeping with someone else before you were fully committed to a relationship with your H constitutes cheating. Some might simply call it "dating." However, your WH's decision to get emotional/physical with this mutual friend right AFTER you two were married is definitely cheating. IMHO, any suggestion that it was your choice early on in your relationship that led HIM to cheat is just blameshifting.
I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)
WW/BW still carries on being remorseless, I can say that as a BS can't I? If I see it, feel it and am affected by it, then u can call it, can't I?
We tried the affair recovery program with limited progress and are regressing again. Her lack of sincerity/lies being the root of it I suppose. There is no R if there is no foundation of trust and I see nothing from her in trying to win any trust after years if deceit and TT post DDay. All the advise she got in here and in counselling and in the AR program seems to be of no consequence. I guess I still have to "pay" and on another level, I must stay for the children.
Sorry, this ain't a "poor me" post, it's an 'I'm back, still here guys
(and gals)' post.
I had a question out in BS questions for WS thread, was asked to post it here.
What's more depressing is I belong to so many ICR threads; MH, BM, LTA, for those who found out years later, etc etc etc... Ugh
Hope you're all in a better place.
Question is; am I trying to extract blood from a stone (and she has some other issues about being open) or should I accept the general advise I glean from here which is "her behaviours"=remorseless and continuing deceit.
A little background; I always got a lot of IDK, "can't remember" and never got important details like names or places even though there were multiple As over many years AND she always denies PAs though i have circumstantial evidence to the contrary and my gut cries out so. In defence, the As came to light 7 years after their start, so there might be something in that; having said that, she remembers every sleight since we first got married down to specific instances and words exchanged.
Bonus question; we're madhatters and her response of late (I.e. since we last talked anything affair related about 6 months ago) was "I've been made to feel like the wayward for 2 years, it's time I'm allowed to feel like the BS" - in response to who was taking on the BS 'role' in the AR program). Question is she's never admitted the extent of her As nor done anything to show her making much progress away from wayward thinking, as a MH, do I have a right to call her out on her waywardness / lapse behaviours and lack of sincerity in proving she's actually committed to a R or should I shut up (which I have) and carry on working on my issues as the WS.
I know I can't change her so I've stopped trying to do that; it doesn't mean that this continued behaviour doesn't hurt or isn't continued disrespect and abuse.
My FWH and I started dating in our junior year of high school. We had kind of talked about getting married and had been going steady for a couple of months. A friend of mine had been pen palling with a marine who was serving in vietnam and wanted to go meet him during the summer. I went along with her so she wouldn't be going alone. He had a friend come with him and it ended up being the four of us. During the trip, the conversation between the second soldier and I got out of hand and I ended up giving him a hand job. When I got home, I felt so guilty and told my FWH/boyfriend about the entire trip. I apologized and we got married 4 years later and I have never done anything ever again. I was 16 at the time.
During the upheaval of FWH A, he threw it in my face. He remembered so many things that I had forgotten because it was over 40 years ago. He explained his A as being like mine. Was mine an A? Am I a madhatter. My FWH has never talked about this again since he brought it up. I tried to talk about it, but I really don't remember much about the why and how, just that we did it and where. I honestly had pretty much forgotten about it. FWH just doesn't want to talk about it, but I worry that it has been festering for 46 years and evidently never resolved.
We are doing pretty good in our reconcilliation, but this isue still really bothers me.
What are you wanting to do at this point? That is what really matters.
I would say no, you are not a madhatter. Is what you did wrong, yes, did it skirt the boundaries of that slippery slope, absolutely. And I would take a look at that. But you were not married and you were very young at the time. You have since done nothing like that. I would chalk that up to being very young.
i am struggling right now with anger, resentment and overall distrust of my wife. she had two affairs prior to mine and i am aware of a recent one (i guess somewhat of a revenge a in her mind).
i cant think straight, as i over analyze every thing she does now and it is making me miserable.
we have been trying to r, and i am all in even if she isnt right now.
how do i bring up my feelings constructively without sounding like i am deflecting or blame shifting?
Ask her if she can sit down and talk with you, you need to share some feelings with her. Do it at a time when there is nothing going on. Are you guys in MC?
Talk to her about trying to set this rule up, it has helped Hlessons and I quite a bit.
As many have stated here, the temptation to compare betrayals is common. All I know is that the pain of betrayal, no matter In which form it takes, is excruciating. And the place the betrayal stems from is the same, that is, a place of unlooked at and pushed down hurt.
My H's EA has been through our entire marriage with an ex college Gf. It has not been a secret they remained "friends" (altho i made no secret of my jealousy) and contact was in the form of innocuous letters, phone calls (some years without any) and then FB, which is where I found messages of longing/regret a couple of years ago.
At the time I read them, I knew it was off, but felt due to what I'd done (and before SI and my own work on myself) that I had no right to be hurt. It was only last year that I reread them over again and again and saw them for what they were. And my pursuit of my H was relentless in getting him also to start looking at what the fuck that was all about. He finally got there. He ended all contact and started to examine why he needed the ego stroke these messages gave him, as well as his continued obsession/fantasy with old gf's. This has all gone on the back burner with my recently confessed A's and also a detailed account of each one that he demanded. And I know my turn will come again to express/explore this long term betrayal (we've done it in fits and starts but my A's have eclipsed that for now) but its hard to have to swallow that down sometimes and stay present for my H's understandable pain at having ALL the information for the first time.
What you said TG about allowing the person to bring up their pain without counteracting that with our own is a good one and feels right. I will bring this up with my H when things not quite so raw.
Noesape, glad you got something out of my words in the other thread. My H was not the reason I started to look hard at myself. It came from me. It's the only place true change and growth can come from. I have to check my co-dependant crap all the time with my H as of course I KNOW exactly what he needs to do