I still see him as pushing against the boundaries, why? Not sure yet. I don't know that your H is remorseful at this point, regret, yes. Full on remorse, not sure about that. That could be playing a role in this. I also see that he is having difficulty processing his own anger, and between all of this, I see him as having real difficulty in knowing what to do with all of it.
Is this where I let everything go and if I'm sure he's not cheating I should be ok with anything as long as he's faithful? Where does respect come in? Is being faithful enough?
If he's not remorseful that means he thinks I deserved what I got. That is the thing that's unacceptable to me.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
I can't find link to my thread I referred to (good prompt for me to increase my access).
here is Freddy's thread regarding the issue:
Might be better foryou as it from the horse's mouth so to speak.
I believe that if your H. is not processing his anger and is testing you ... he really needs to own that. You can't do that work for him.
In working through his last be boundary push Freddy recongnised some issues relating to my affair floated to the surface. I will let you do the reading. Maybe sometime soon he will join our conversations in MH Forum.
I have just responded to your thread in General.
Have you and your husband gone to joint therapy at all?
How would you describe the point of your healing.
It does sound from you post here that you H. is still living out a lot of pain. And clearly you are too.
could I get a bit more of a picture of the work you think you have both done?
What does he think his infidelity was about?
What do you think your infidelity was about?
(sorry to ask so many questions.) And sorry that you are going through such a difficult and painful time.
We got back togther in 2001 and got married in 2003. He drank and partied heavily gambled crazy (this sent me mental he wouldnt get help but I went and got myself help and now have an understanding of what this addiction is - many would have left it was very stressful he gambled $100 thousand plus from 2000. I worked full time stayed home with our kids and fell preg in 2007 with our son, we were about to buy a house - but yes he gambled our deposit ! Begged me not to leave him. I made him move out for a while but it wasnt long and he was home.
Then partied crazy heaps taking drugs drinking hanging out with younger guys ... I would rather him out of the house if he was going to drink as I couldnt stand to be around him drinking so I would push him out the door! I know he did alot but I did trust him NEVER in a million years would I thought he would ever cheat.. I fell preg again in 2008 little did I know he had already started sleeping with this 19 year old slut ... I didnt find all this out till 2012 .. His excuse there are a few yes revenge, I said to him once twice is revenge not 4 years worth, she understood him cause she would drink and party with him and he admits he was a dick head but that is the state he was in, she was nice to him where I was always cranky etc ( note I had just had baby number 5!) but sorry for being tired and overwhelmed ... she told him the things he wanted to hear - brainwashed him?
We went to counselling not sure if its for me ?? he came three times but I got so angry and ended yelling at him
I think I would have a better time getting over this if he got off my back abit, we get on good when he is home from work (mostly) but when he is at work he cant keep an eye on me maybe Im paying him back - why do I need a spray tan ? I read 50 shades of Grey and he got jealous, who do I think of when I was reading it why do I need to read it ?? is this normal behaviour ? I know I put him through alot with what I did and I am still in deep pain with what he did deep .. but Im not insecure like that throw comments like that I have 5 kids here he knows its just me and the kids I dont go out I dont socialize really, him acting this way makes me not want to go through life like this .. its been along road from what I did in 2000 to know and he has never let me forget controlled me and never let me forget what I did,
last thing I thought the same thing when I googled last year why does my husband think Im cheating when Im not ... all forums came back then he is cheating ALL of them , I do believe the A is over adn he has had NC I have been the one with the NC I contacted her for weeks ? months after the A came out ..but he is suffocating me like I said to him I like him working away for a week at a time it gives me me time to think have space and heal by myself but he is so over the top and his way of talking these days about both A is we have both had shit past lets get on with the future but I just found mine out and still trying to get my head around it all
[This message edited by howdidthishapen at 8:27 PM, November 19th (Monday)]
Is there a safe person you can reach out to? In your church? Someone female so he can't feel threatened and shut you down again? You are so isolated and this kind of behavior is being modeled for your 5 little ones. Do you want your sons to act this way towards their partners someday? Or your daughters to accept this treatment? I am worried about you.
I'm so glad you found SI and that we can be here for you virtually. I hope you can find some healing and peace on this site. The nice thing is there is almost always someone going through exactly what you are, or at least something similar. We understand each other.
I'm just curious, have you considered leaving? How old are your children? Do you think he would become violent at any point? Please read up on what an abusive relationship looks like. Some of his behaviors set my spidey senses tingling...
Many hugs, HDTH. I'm glad you are seeking to get healthier, I think almost everyone on SI is. It's brave of you to post with us!
There is some friends I can go to for help, but like any one I get close to - even women he pushes them away runs them down so have never really kept a close girlfriend, I do have a close friend but wait yes before the A came out he had asked me if we were sleeping together, then shes not good enough for me shes this shes that .... doesnt end ... but she is a good friend anyway and somehow I have kept her but I do like to have my own space and not drag anyone into this crap they have heard enough ..
Yes I have considered leaving Im so confused !!! I love him but hate the way he like this, he hasn't drank not even once since May which has always been my wishes, so many times though over the years with his gambling is when I wanted to leave him it was so stressful he hasnt gambled for over a year now but I do understand that doesnt mean anything and I control all our money it could happen any time but I control all our money and give him what he needs. Yes also after the A came out on and off for months I didnt know how I was going to stay I wanted to leave I wanted to stay my head is confused ...
I just reallu hate his insecure pressure he puts on me all the time when I am trying to still cope with what he has done, he advice which I hate is both our past are shit so lets not talk about them and get on with life, ok thats true we do have shitty pasts but I only just found out I havent known for 12 years yet and Im still processing that he slept with her a few days before xmas last year, that he sent her a message last year wishing her well (when she got a boyfriend) he said in the message he was sorry for stuffing her around for all these years she was the funnist person he had ever met and loved there time together and he couldnt expect her to wait for him as things at home are far from fixed and when it is he will always have baggage !! these type of crap is still tearing my heart out. the rude photo he sent of himself - that she emailed to me
thanks for listening rambling here he comes home today for a week might be good ? but I feel a little revved up from the week we have had. ?? I dont know also hate fighting I JUST WANT THIS OVER
I just am pissed today that he refers in email to my "cheating", but then the verbiage he uses for HIM is "what I did". Minimizer!!!!!!!! Augh!
Petty. I know.
Summary: On D-day July 6th 2012, my husband discovered that I had up to that point an 18 month love affair/sexual relationship with his very good friend of 6 years whose family and ours were intertwined - kids and all, and living in the same town. My affair was more emotional in that I felt this man filled a void as I felt my husband and I had grown distant. I held a lot of resentment towards my husband as he would yell/name call at me when I made stupid mistakes. I dealt with it never telling him it hurt me. The day after d-day, my husband came clean that he had had 7 sexual affairs over the years...the first one 3 years into our marriage. 3 of his affairs were for a decent period of time. The majorityof his affairs were while running around with his good friend, both of them sleeping with other women. Yes the very same friend I had the affair with. For the record my husband affairs were sexually charged, he claims that he was involved with these women because he didn't feel that I desired and wanted him in a physical/sexual way. He never felt that I made him feel like "the man." He didn't share his feelings with me other than a joke here and there through the years..no real conversation about it. The man I had the affair with was a serial cheater. He had affairs with at least 20 women while he and my husband were friends. Clearly, I did not know any of this at the time of my affair.
My question: As a husband who is a BS, would you look at your wife differently and your own situatiuon of reconciliation differently, if you had experienced a series of affairs yourself? Also, the fact that it was a love affair with his good friend...does that make it harder to swallow and the reconciliation process more difficult?
I posted to you in wayward, what I will tell you from reading your thread here in madhatter is, when we start getting into the comparing of my affair wasn't as bad as yours, then we sink any chance of R. As difficult as that seems, it has to be stopped. Keeping a scorecard of any kind cannot work in a marriage. As madhatters we have to come from a standpoint of we have both betrayed each other in the worst way and we are each going to work on fixing ourselves and the marriage. Anything other than that doesn't seem to work. If you feel that your H doesn't see your pain, then tell him that, don't be passive aggressive about it.
I will see if I can get my H on here to answer your question for you. Is your H on here and do you plan to share the site with him? Are you guys in counseling?
would you look at your wife differently and your own situatiuon of reconciliation differently, if you had experienced a series of affairs yourself? Also, the fact that it was a love affair with his good friend...does that make it harder to swallow and the reconciliation process more difficult?
Hey Whatamess, I don't like the "deserving" "karma" BS I hear either so I totally understand.
First, I did look at my wife differently, until I realized that at some point in our lives I had made the same Fu#$ed up choices she had and that realization allowed me to stop justifying/rationalizing all the BS that kept me acting like a piece of crap.
Second, I am from the camp that says an affair is an affair, love, EA, PA, however it was acted out it comes from a jacked up place. As far as the good friend aspect that probably does add a wrinkle that with everyone intertwined will be extra difficult.
It was a good thing I did not know the OP as I would have at the very least been physical, I knew that so I tried to deny all those feelings... Not good, but anyway hope that answers something for you
I am from the camp that says an affair is an affair
I respectfully disagree.
I am curious in what ways you disagree with this.
My affair occurred when I was 22 years old. I wasn't married at the time. I slept with her twice in one week. I haven't had contact with her in years. I've been 100% faithful for almost 17 years.
My wife's affair went on for 15+ years. My entire relationship was a lie. I was tricked into thinking my son was biologically mine, and I have been raising my worst enemy's son as my own this entire time.
I agree with hardlessons that I had the same fucked up thinking as my wife during the affair. But at the same time, I just can't come to say that my affair was just the same as my wife's.
I guess I'm going to just have to come out and say it. I think some affairs are more cruel than others.
Anyway, what does it matter. My marriage is done. I've had enough of her emotional and verbal abuse that I've been tolerating for 17+ years.
Fuck this shit. I'm out.
1) my W used to post here a lot, and I looked at it as her safe place. she hasn't posted in months, and is staying away from SI in general because it is very trigger for her
2) i avoided owning the MH label i think. Mostly because for so long I ignored my W's A and secondly I felt that what I did was so much worse, that her's shouldn't count.
So today I finally updated my signature, and put more details in my profile, and posting in the forum I have avoided for so long.
I am working hard on my issues and the things that lead to my A. I do struggle with my feelings around my W affairs sometimes. I have told her I forgive her. I know she is not the same person that she was back then. Plus, we are separated so we are not working on the M. But there is still that nagging feeling, because my feelings about her A (and some of her triggers for having it) re-enforce all of my insecurities, and triggers. I am uncovering more and more reasons for my A, and those triggers are coming up, so my feelings of 'not being enough' and having to prove that 'I am enough' are all raw and fresh.
Not sure where I was heading here, but wanted to start somewhere.
I guess I'm going to just have to come out and say it. I think some affairs are more cruel than others.
I am of mixed minds here. I think that my A was so much more cruel than my W. Length, things done, timing of when some of those things were done (my Ea while my W was pregnant), etc. are so much worse than what my W did, but logically they are both betrayals. That is what I get wrapped around. I don't know what to think here.