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User Topic: MadHatter's Only Thread
NothngElseMattrs
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Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape, thanks. Even now reading that line that I wrote makes me mentally 2x4 myself. I need to quit wailing about how hard this is and suck it up and do the hard work. The beginning of the week was really rough for us, but I'm learning to cope with it and keep as much of my life outside the M as normal as I can. Going to the gym and trying to maintain productivity at work helps lots. I know H gets some solace out of getting stuff done and being successful/ productive at work.

Mourning the loss of the M we thought we had is hard. Facing that reality makes us both so sad. But keeping the momentum of individual healing on both our parts is so critical right now and we're trying to not dwell on the bad stuff in the past. We do try to reminisce about good stuff so that we remind ourselves what we're fighting for. Just about every night when we hang up the phone we each say 3 happy memories that we have together.

H sees the work that I'm doing (as best as one can, as we live 3h apart). I try to maintain contact via text/email throughout the day, we talk on the phone/skype at night, and we can see on phone GPS where each other is at all times. His birthday gifts, notes, and pictures I drew for him are things he can hold in his hand and feel my love for him. He has said that I'm doing the actions I need to do, but he has also said that he wants more. Balancing the efforts to regain his trust and helping him to not be controlling (one of the issues with his A and continued to be a problem pre-A for me) is tough. Knowing when to call him on his bullshit and when I'm just being a weenie about being WS that has to fix my mess is a tricky situation. Communication seems to be the key, so we discuss these things a lot with each other... like "what's reasonable to ask of you right now", etc. Last night when he started telling me that he wanted me to contact him every 20 minutes and let him know when I'm stepping away from the phone and for how long when I'm at work is really controlling and unreasonable, IMO. My job is unpredictable (I work in R&D), so I never *know* when I will be away and for how long. It may be 5min, it may be 2hours.

H has mostly been self-flagellating, and doing a lot of speaking about his remorse and how he wants to fix this. Other than sending me flowers, his actions this week have been kind of limited. Mostly I get words about how he is doing lots of thinking. He has been calling himself names and putting himself down. Also his IC is out of town for 2 weeks, so I'm concerned that he is going to just keep spinning downward into despair. At this point I think I'm going to try to locate my copy of 5 love languages and give it to him to read. He really needs something to keep himself productive and moving forward. I've spent a lot of time on SI and gotten *loads* of help... it's helped me to know what I need to work on (and how to look for what else I need to work on), as well as how I can support my H right now. He has never been an online message boards kind of guy, so I really don't think he'll be hopping on board anytime soon, but who knows.

Last night my frustration did come out a little bit... he keeps wanting my reassurance that I'm not going to leave him... meanwhile he has told me that he's not 100% sure that he is staying in the M. I pointed out that it's really difficult for me to be held to a different standard. What else can one do in this situation? I told him all we can do is work on improving ourselves to be better S's to each other, and to strengthen our bond of M. That our actions are the only thing in our control. In the depths of his self-pity and sadness, he has a hard time feeling in control right now, so I spent some time reassuring him that he was very much in control of himself and his own life. Some of the very same advice I need to take for myself sometimes....

Hi onel0ve. I'm pretty new to SI too, I bet we have a lot in common since we're both in our 20s and early in our M's.

I hope everyone is having a good Friday... at least it's the weekend soon!

ETA: When my job *does* require me to step away for a while and I'm out of touch for a block of time, when I get back I try to tell him where I was and what I was doing. Sorry if it still sounds whiney.

[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 12:26 PM, June 29th (Friday)]


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
noescape
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Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know whether i meant that to come out as a 2x4. I'd add one piece of advise after reading what you said. Stop trying to control an outcome, letting go is probably the one thing that can allow you (both) to be authentic. I don't mean don't make R or a great M your goal, but, at the same time, trying to control the outcome (rather than doing the right thing for its own sake), can lead to a lot of problems.. One that I deal with daily is manipulative behavior. I'm sure the vets would have more insight into what I'm talking about.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
NothngElseMattrs
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Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I trying to control the outcome? Or is he? Or both? Agh.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
noescape
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Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you see him as trying to be, but take a step back and all this talk of leaving and reassurances.... IMHO both of you gave up the right to stay M with each individuals infidelity, so why should it be a point of contention. Yes, it may be that you're not expecting his reassurance, but why even seek parity on that? I'd say leave it be. It's always the prerogative of the BS to leave a WS since the act of indifelity effectively broke the sanctity of the M. That's it for now, but I guess the underlying theme would be to heal yourself for yourself and for the healthy M, regardless of the place WS seems to be at. Getting him to the same page would be ideal but remember the golden rule; you can't change him, only yourself.

I see evidence of some healthy boundaries; such as your responses to his control issues, you just need to reinforce that and help him see that (maybe by leading by your example?)


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
NothngElseMattrs
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Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point... Instead of expending energy trying to get us on the same page, I should just be putting that towards fixing my WS brokenness.

I just don't know what to say to him when he says things like: "I'm so afraid you're going to leave me."

We're seeing each other in person tonight, so I'll be sure to talk about both of us not trying to control the outcome since the important thing right now is both of us healing.

We are both aware of *his* control issues, but I'm concerned that I may have some too? Could I just be the pot calling the kettle black? Mostly I am conflict-avoidant and agree often enough to satisfy him, so I don't think I am... but as a WS I do owe it to the relationship to examine what I am, what I think I am, and what I think I am not.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
noescape
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Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought; maybe avoiding conflict is part of an 'engineering an outcome' approach?

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
onel0ve25
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Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello NothngElseMattrs!

Unfortunately it started very early in our marriage. My affair began about a week after our first wedding anniversary. Biggest mistake of my life, I wish I could change it...but instead I am learning from it.

I have had a very rough week. I'm having triggers like crazy & it leads me to snap at him. I guess I really should edit my story so everyone can know what my membership on SI is all about. On it now...


Me: 21, 1 EA/PA 5/10-6/10
Him: 24, multiple online EAs, 2 EA/PAs 7/10-2/12
Our littles: Bunny, 3 & Teddy, 5 <3
A couple of mad hatters hoping for a happy ending...
Together 7 years, Married 3 years
I won't stumble upon something behind me.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2012
NothngElseMattrs
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Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noescape- that is entirely possible, and I hadn't considered that before.

onel0ve- Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I am still so impressed by folks for having the guts to share... I'm still in shock and not quite ready yet.

H and I were married just a few months ago, so the fact that my ONS was so recent to our marriage makes me feel even worse. I know cheating is cheating, but I think the fact that it came on the heels (4 months) of our marriage is really hard for him to deal with. It certainly doesn't meet with his assumptions about what cheating (MLC... 40s) looks like. He says it ruined his memory of our wedding. I can't blame him.

I'm sorry you're going through this mess with your H. I hope your kids can still bring you both joy.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
onel0ve25
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Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NothngElseMattrs:

We've been dealing with this since 2010, I guess in a way the time has made it easier to share. My husband says I ruined our first year of marriage because it was so close to our anniversary. And I completely agree with him. Our kids are the best little things holding us together. We are not only fixing our relationship for us, but them too. We will forever have this bond because of our kids & we are working to make it stronger.

I didn't share my story with anyone until about a year ago. It's so nice to have the support available once you are ready to share. Good luck in your journey! :)


Me: 21, 1 EA/PA 5/10-6/10
Him: 24, multiple online EAs, 2 EA/PAs 7/10-2/12
Our littles: Bunny, 3 & Teddy, 5 <3
A couple of mad hatters hoping for a happy ending...
Together 7 years, Married 3 years
I won't stumble upon something behind me.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2012
MegM
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Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone this is my first post in this forum. I don't know why I hav not visited before. ON arrival to SI I disclosed that I had an EA andwith one brief physcical enocounter 10 yrs ago. It was so long ago and as I had disclosed and changed all sorts of behaviours I believed it was no longer relevant.
I cam to SI because my H had a four month affair (EA & PA) with another woman. I was consumed by his betrayal and could not step back to understand the need to own my infidelity - in an emotional way as a part of our healing.

I guess I have reached that point. I certainly has minimised my betrayal of him as not being as bad as his of me.

I saw that because I ended it straight after the first and only kiss that I had more self awareness. HIs betrayal was deeper and worse because he maintained an expressed emotional and physical affair for over 12 weeks (not counting the period of sexual tension before acnkwoledged / expressed).

I saw I was a better and stronger person because I did what I needed to do for our marriage - cut off the AP and changed my behaviours. independently. without duress

Now I need to understand and own that my behaviour and choices need o worked through by me again - in light of his affair.

thanks for reading. Meg


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
noescape
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Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MegM its good you're beginning to recognise this.

I saw I was a better and stronger person because I did what I needed to do for our marriage - cut off the AP and changed my behaviours. independently. without duress

THAT kind of thinking would not have really helped you reach resolution/recovery or any form of healing. Comparing A's, though a normal first reaction, isn't going to help heal from either of your betrayals. What if your H were to say "well, yours was first and you broke the M vows earlier, AND you carried on rugsweeping/deceit/minimising (if any apply) for 10 years and those 10 years I had a different view of our M than you did, and what effect it had/has had on the entire M dynamic since then" etc.... these arguments could go around ad infinitum. I'd say you need to take your OWN actions as a stand alone and look at them for what they really were. Call them "brief encounter" or "only" kiss - but it speaks of deep betrayal and of adultery (whether we want to get into semantics of what constitutes adultery vs. EA vs. 'inappropriate behaviour' is not the point here).

I guess this is not really a 2x4 but more of an encouragement for you to recognise what you did to contribute to your current situation. You'll need to stop comparing and stop minimising your own betrayal in light of his. You were/would have been as likely as him to go further down the slippery slope, the fact that you got on it, is in itself a testament that something was (maybe IS) broken which needs fixing. If not for your H or your M; for your own healing and betterment.

I think you must work on getting the following words out of your vocabulary when talking about your own A; 'just','brief','no longer relevant','not as bad','only kiss'. These are very demeaning and disrespectful of a BS'es pain on being betrayed. Would he have had 'just' a kiss or a brief A, would it have hurt less? Is there any point in even bothering to try and find out? Betrayal is betrayal. Fact is you got into the A 'independently and without duress' as well. You say "not counting the period of sexual tension before acnkwoledged / expressed" but what about your own thoughts and processes prior to and post your A and kiss?

Sorry, I dont mean to be harsh; you just need to start acknowledging the pain inflicted by your choices as much as you want your pain to be acknowledged.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
MegM
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Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoEscape
Thank you so much for your post.
I agree with every word - even the ones that made me go ouch!

It feels like a weight lifting of me - this cloud of feeling 'wronged'.
Yes I was wronged. Yes I have wronged.

Untill BF's A I believe I looked my actions those years ago in the face. I knew it was betrayal. I knew I was behaving like either one of my parents. I knew I had to change fundamentally in my connections with others. In what I was offering BF.
When I suspected and later discovered his A - I was swamped with pain, betrayal a sense of being abanndoned.

This sense of 'weighing' my actions and choices against his was born out of the moments when I confronted without proof. When he was claiming they were just friends. I said - remember back to when I had that encounter with my AP remember how you told me how you felt and once it sunk in that I was putting our M in jeopardy I changed. I put her out of our lives and M and changed my friendships forever ... and so on. I used my bad choices and my later stronger choices as examles for why I could understand how he had found himself on the edge.

Anyway - even after this he kept his A going - he fed it nurtured it.

On full discovery these facts rang and rang in my ears. I felt vitimised and abused by his behaviour and lies. And that is all I could feel and see.

So now I will be noones' victim (including not a victim to myself)

So - when I think back to my faulty thinking the stuff I have already known and understood was about boundaries emotional and physical.

Something else has just emerged - 'keeping score' and 'my turn thinking'

This is a way of being that I have never looked at. But I can see that I did mental arithmetic on our A's and scored mine as the least harmful. I also i mental arithmetic on all sorts of things through out our marriage.

Like how many years I put the children first and my career ambitions very last. How many years I drove the domestic bus. How many years I carrie the weight in financial decision making. HOw many times I had asked him to step up. How many times he didn't. etc etc.

So come his affair I alredy had a heap of 'credit' on the score board.
His A. tipped the balance even further in the Meg the Matyr Nature Mother credits.

Faulty Faulty Faulty. I don't want this crutch anymore. I want to stand without it and be a strong member of a strong team.

Phew - more work to do.



BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
NothngElseMattrs
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Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meg, I totally understand. We are still battling the "what you did was worse" demon. It's really hard, and I'd say that's our second biggest challenge to reach R, next to the fact that we'll be living long distance for the next year or so.

Are y'all in IC/MC? H and I are already looking forward to MC so that we can learn better self-mediation skills so that when we start falling down that rabbit hole, we can pull ourselves out before it gets too sticky.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
onel0ve25
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Member # 35974
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We still battle the same demon, although not as often, it does still happen at times. We know we must put an end to it if we truly want to R though. The problem is how to stop...


Me: 21, 1 EA/PA 5/10-6/10
Him: 24, multiple online EAs, 2 EA/PAs 7/10-2/12
Our littles: Bunny, 3 & Teddy, 5 <3
A couple of mad hatters hoping for a happy ending...
Together 7 years, Married 3 years
I won't stumble upon something behind me.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jun 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did want to respond earlier. I think we're starting to get the MH section going now.



Something else has just emerged - 'keeping score' and 'my turn thinking'

Sounds like my WW. Is this a gender thing? Men have A's due to bad boundaries and women due to RAs/getting back? Just wondering.

Faulty Faulty Faulty. I don't want this crutch anymore. I want to stand without it and be a strong member of a strong team.

Sounds good. We're healthy because WE want to be, because WE are worth it, dont need the excuse of resentment/"someone elses fault" or anger to just wallow in misery and (worse) bad choices.

I dunno about the rest of y'all but it seems like i'm not the keeping score type. At least in the A department. I know and always knew that my A was bad/crap extremely hurtful and damaging and unjustified etc... whether WS had an A or not did nothing to minimise it or make it better in any way. Working on R (or maybe not) is another matter altogether; that includes validation and working through my FOO/coping skills and boundaries etc.. fact is that *we* cant ever move forward without WW "getting it" and she's working hard to avoid getting it THAT and she DEFINITELY keeps score; about the A's about perceived or real slights/problems during the M (pre-A or post; a lot of it revisionist H, IMHO). Fact is, there is no moving forward without OWNING it. Each on his/her own and without duress (THAT word again).

...alas, times a tickin.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
MegM
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Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I am really appreciating this conversation everyone.

I dunno about the rest of y'all but it seems like i'm not the keeping score type. At least in the A department. I know and always knew that my A was bad/crap extremely hurtful and damaging and unjustified etc...
Absolutely get this. My behaviour came first. I was unfaithful first. I knew it was a betrayal from the moment I crossed that physcial line. I couldn't hide from it any longer. And in terms of boundaries - turned my world upside down to protect our M from then on.

I think this could still be consistent with your theory about gender though NoEscape. In terms of my 'wayward' mentality it was definitly modelled on my father. I understood him to be the one with the power in my parents marriage. I was determined to never be dominated - he has always had male friends he put before his M to my mother. He never had good boundaries in this way. (his sexual infidelity was about male entitlement)

I have always seen my behaviour in those early years as the problem. My choices as the problem. I was not living consistently with my true values because I betrayed myself with my fears and insecurities.

This thing about score keeping was not directly about our infidelity. But about who did what in the marriage. Who did what in the home. I had some kind of tally going about how much I had given and given up. But I did not think any of this excused or justified my A afterwards.
I did use it to justify my 'friendships' and their priority in my life before my A.

(The gap of 9 years makes this difficult to be sure how much clarity i have in it.)

This score keeping behaviour though has continued to run as a theme through our other issues since then. I genuinely believe that a truely healthy marriage for us will not include these behaviours and habits of mind.

Do your partners share their feelings and reactions to your A's?

Right from my early disclosure of mine 9 or more years ago my H. has not really shared how he felt - other than that he was relieved it was past and grateful for my self awareness to put an end to the relationship and protect our M.

Even now he doesn't have a lot to share or say about it.
He asserts that I am being too hard on myself now.

I don't know what to do with this. I know he is on his own journey. But do you think an important part of R is understanding the harm you have done? Is that my business anyway?


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do your partners share their feelings and reactions to your A's?

Yes, H is doing his best to communicate his thoughts and feelings about it, now that we are moving out of the "shock" phase a little bit. The wounds are still very fresh. TBH, it's me who has the most trouble sharing my feelings/ reactions. Some of it is because my A was more recent and my guilt overtakes my anger at him quite a bit. My compartmentalization is also related to the fact that I was molested at 3 years old and never really dealt with it. For me, it's just easier to take the "hard" things in life and disconnect. Maybe your H has a reason for disconnecting his response? Or do you think it's strictly him not communicating it with you?

(The gap of 9 years makes this difficult to be sure how much clarity i have in it.)

Mr NEM has the same problem, as his A ended 3 years ago, from his account.

But do you think an important part of R is understanding the harm you have done? Is that my business anyway?

I think that's something you probably need to explore on your own... but if your H is in IC and you're in MC together, and he still chooses to not blast you for it... then I guess that's how he deals with it? It seems that everyone's expressions of feelings with respect to A's vary, and some spouses have trouble not getting the "anticipated" reaction from the other spouse. I know that my own A and the fact that it is so fresh has tempered my response to Mr NEM's A somewhat. I don't know if that'll change in the future, though.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would worry about the lack of reaction for a few reasons:

1. In some way it justified his own A and hence he would not condemn either A (and hence avoid dealing with specifically his own core problems on boundaries/coping skills etc..)
2. Rugsweeping and conflict avoidance; which may speak of low self esteem (self flagellation also being a part of it)

Which could both lead to a seriously flawed outcome such as unresolved feelings and issues which are left to fester and potential for future A's. I would recommend you give him a copy of not just friends as a starter.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
NothngElseMattrs
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Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All these threads on JFO make me so panicky about repeat WS... How paranoid are any of you that your WH/WW/WSO will repeat offend? I mean obviously all I can be in control of is whether or not I will be a repeat offender... but ug. All this talk of key loggers and checking phone records makes me wonder if I should be watching Mr NEM more closely than I am (which is basically not at all).

I mean I never knew until he told me about his A. And how last year he made out with some girl on a work trip. And he says how slippery he was, deleting text/phone/facebook/email trails... as well as internet history for porn so that I wouldn't know the type of porn he was watching except for vanilla stuff..

!!!!!Freaking out!!!!! I look forward to the day when our trust is rebuilt. Sigh.

So I guess my question to the MH community tonight is how closely do you and your S monitor each other?


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
silverhopes
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How paranoid are any of you that your WH/WW/WSO will repeat offend?

Constantly. Especially since my H's behavior has changed somewhat, but he will still pay an inappropriate amount of attention to other women and will still get angry if I ask even the most innocent questions. There's a trigger-ific situation coming up, and I'm terrified he's going to have another A at this new center we're both transferring to. It seems to be a pattern with him.

I mean obviously all I can be in control of is whether or not I will be a repeat offender...

That's what I try to focus on. Whenever I get racing thoughts about my H and what he may or may not be doing, I stop, take a deep breath, and remind myself I need to be a better person. A healthier person. That I need to choose better patterns, acknowledge my own vulnerability to being a wayward, and make sure I address my own patterns. Do not stoop to revenge. Do not attempt to use another person to fix what is broken inside of me.

Two friends of mine are getting married. One is an old crush. They invited me. For family reasons, I'm not going. I'm thinking this is a good thing, actually, and that this isn't a friendship I should keep. I recognize this situation for the potentially harmful one it could become. I was surprised by some of the feelings that came up when I heard they were getting married. Old crush feelings. Not healthy. So I am reminding myself (and it's much easier now) that those aren't real feelings - they're chemicals. They're the illusion of what I think would feel good, not what actually is good and healthy. I thanked the bride for her invitation and congratulated her, and I won't be talking to them again. Mental NC. Really, they're not real. I'm in love with my husband; that's real. Him kissing me on the forehead this morning while I was marinating the veggies is real. Him gently urging me to take a shower so I could get ready is real. Him loving me is real. And there are a lot of ways I can get busy loving him! Like getting my butt up in a few minutes and helping him grill. And telling him how sharp he looks in his Hawaiian shirt. And kissing him.

So I guess my question to the MH community tonight is how closely do you and your S monitor each other?

I monitor both of us. He isn't aware that I leave a VAR in the house sometimes when I'm out, so I can hear what he's saying or doing when I'm not around. Otherwise, I know he will sometimes monitor me and other times won't - so I take responsibility for myself, so I won't have anything to hide from him, so I can be proudly open with him. That means making sure I am doing the right things in my own behavior. Not doing anything I feel ashamed of or that I need to hide from him.

I need to work on expressing my feelings. Sometimes, when he gets angry, I feel discouraged to express how I feel. I need to feel comfortable in myself, so comfortable that I can always speak my mind, so he'll never wonder where I am emotionally. He should know.

It's easier said than done, but it really does help to put into practice (consistently!) worrying about and taking responsibility for yourself. After a while, it's easier to accept I lack control over my spouse's actions, and to be slightly less traumatized by them.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:44 PM, July 4th (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

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