I fucking hate WW. I fucking hate her, her fucking OM, her fucking parents, her fucking friends.
I hate them. They could all fucking die today and I would smile.
Sick of this whole fucking thing. Sick of not sleeping, sick of obsessive thoughts, sick of depression, sick of having to fucking deal with her about my kids.
All I ask is for her to leave me alone, but she just can't help it. Stupid fucking texts, stupid fucking phone calls, stupid fucking arrangement.
I can't believe this is my fucking life.
I hear the pain guys.
Just love yourself.
Minimize contact. Don't share yourself. Kids & finances only.
Give them no look into you mind or heart, they don't get to have any part of you any more.
When they figure there's nothing to feed on anymore, they'll eventually move on.
To me, my stbx is just 'somebody I used to know.'
I can't seem to do anything right. I can't 180. I don't know how to turn off my emotions when I am around her. We are separated, and whenever I see her I just can't maintain a 'cheerful' attitude.
She strayed, but nobody is on my side. Nobody.
I've lost 60lbs since dday and she has noticed that, but when she calls we always end of fighting and its always all my fault - the M, the A, the kids acting out.
Whats wrong with this whole picture? How did I become the bad guy? I've never hurt my WW, why does she continue to destroy me?
You could be all the best parts of Clark Kent, Superman and have a magical dick that changed size and shape to her whim and you'd still be the bad guy, so she doesn't have to be.
Can you block her # so you don't have to deal with texts and phone calls?
Setting up a separate, special email for communication regarding kids and finances and telling her that's the only means by which you want to speak with her can bypass the whole 180 / cheerfulness thing. If you can't do it, stop trying and find another solution.
It sucks now man but it will be okay. Take care of yourself, your kids need and love you.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 3:36 PM, September 23rd (Sunday)]
I just want to wake up in my bed with my kids jumping on me wanting to cuddle with me and W. This is all so unfair.
Everything I do seems to make matters worse.
Get to more AA meetings, get a sponsor if you don't have one, call your sponsor daily (or more) if you haven't been; get another sponsor if you need one, let folks at meetings know you're struggling. More will reach out to share their experience, strength, and hope. It won't fix your reality, but you'll feel less pain and disconnection.
Believe me, I know. My AA buddies kept me sober and sane in the days after DDay.
The point is to not give them a glimpse into what you are thinking, good or bad.
So don't sabotage your healing with the thoughts that; "I suck at cheerful, so I can't do the 180."
Stick with it.
The list of 180 behaviors are more like guidelines anyway, Arrr!
All I ask is for her to leave me alone
it feels like I am a ghost
This is a struggle because you based a large percentage of your essential identity in the M. Without it, who are you?
I believe this is a dynamic we especially share & struggle with. You are not alone.
For those of us who have to detach from non-remorseful (or crazy or toxic) WW's for our own sanity, it's like a psychic tooth-pulling, where the root clings to the bone and
just. won't. let. go.
Let er rip.
It'll bleed for awhile.
There's gauze and coeds and beers and fun times for that...but be sure,
it will heal.
...when she calls we always end of fighting and its always all my fault - the M, the A, the kids acting out.
I got this too from my FWW. It started in 2007 when I suspected an A. She told me how I was broke and she was going to walk out of the M if I did not get IC and improve. So I did IC, I did begin to own my issues (not so many it ends up) and improve. She went on to another OM and another A for 2+ years. After dday she gave me the same line. In fact, after upgrading my membership it is a little embarrassing to re-read my posts from early 2010; how willing I was to "own 50 - 60%" of the problems in the M. Once FWW began IC in earnest and working on herself, she will now admit that most of the problem for most of our M was her.
I think it is supposed to be painful to detach from the M and re-align our lives. You really seem to be doing fine for where you are in the process and timeline. Many of use felt like we needed to make 2nd, 3rd, 4th attempts to fix the M before we understood we could only fix us, and the M could only be fixed if our WW decided to work on herself.
FWIW, I am proof that even if the FWW decides to do the work on her self it does not necessarily mean the M will recover. At least not so far.
I don't know how to turn off my emotions when I am around her.
You re- direct your caring to your kids.
Look dudes. You have so much emotional capital. Spend it on them. Nothing, and I mean no thing
takes the place of time with them.
Take it from my sorrowing heart. Had I dipped another bobber, and just sat in silence another time or two?
Right now, I could make anything up to have that time.
It's worth it. Because you'll never get it back.
Spend it bonding with your kids.
The unremorseful, toxic bullshitter you're spending your time on now will fade to unimportance.
I have been trying for 2 days NC. texts from her about logistics for kids. The last time we spoke Saturday night, its more of the same. Its just over, and I'm the only one who wants the M. She doesn't want it, her friends don't want it, MIL doesn't want it. I can't compete with all those other mouths.
The only ones who want it - me and my kids of course. They tell mommy they want me to come home. They have no idea what the real facts are. One day, they will learn the truth. Daddy didn't leave, daddy was ambushed.
And that's what happened to me. I would have never have left my home. I actually had a chat with FIL a week ago. He told me WW admitted to him how his daughter 'treated me badly'. And that is the truth. For the year leading up to the A and then separation she was impossible to please. The weekend at the beach last summer she treated me like the bell boy at the hotel. I was so mad when we got home Sunday, when she attacked me I didn't think twice about taking my suitcase and leaving. I had NO idea she was 5 months into her A. None. She got rid of me, threw me away like I was garbage that day. My pride and anger at her kept me from coming back to reconcile the fight. I wanted her to acknowledge she needed help. She was killing the M, not me. It never happened, and the A went on and on while I moved into what i thought was a temporary situation.
To think for 10 months, I was completely fooled by her. Paying for everything - the house, the cars, her living expenses - as well as mine. She used me. All while waiting for her MOM to leave his BW. Which didn't happen after I outted him. Its all to much. I am overwhelmed by the level of betrayal, the seemingly purposeful destruction of my M, our family, and of course ME.
How could she do these things? I've asked her, why didn't you tell me Aug 2011 after the fight that you wanted a D? Why? I get no answers........to nothing. Crickets. Its gotten so bad that I get my answers now by listening for the crickets.
All last year, I dealt with stress and death. My parents died withing 3 months of each other. The A started when I was caring for my dying mother. January- March, I spent those 3 months caring for her, and to the best of my investigation that's when WW decided to jump in her car and start meeting him at hotels. Its so lame.
Over and over for a year - thats all they have ever done. But shes in love with him. So much so that she would destroy me - for a guy who only used her for sex and then dumped her.
She doesn't want me back. She won't say she cares about me let alone that she might still love me.
I should have known better. You see, in 19 years she has done this to me before. The exact same scenario. Has played out. She always ends up stalking me 6 months later. The last time, she swore she wouldn't hurt me, then we got pregnant, and then I married her. It was good, we were happy.
I don't know what happened, why I went back to drinking. So subtlety, but over 3 years it got worse. Hiding it in the house. I guess as she grew unhappy I grew unhappy.
Love is a lie. And marriage is for suckers. I'm done.
I too was basically tossed aside like you... My mom wasn't even cold in the grave when the ex decided to go sword swallowing with OM...
I was out of the house for 3 months couch surfing because she accused me of having an A and was treating me like shit... All the time she was fucking the OM...
Your story will remain with you but the hurt and anger will fade... You really need to realize she's gone and YOU WILL reach the point where you will be glad she's out of your life...
The ex has stalked me off and on... I think it's normal when the latest dick de jour grows tired of the giant sucking vortex of neediness...
Detach dude.... The best thing I did to move on was to not have any contact with the ex... It was difficult at first but once I was detached my eyes opened up to a whole fucking cool ass world...
You're going to look back and you'll know... She did you a fucking favor...
You will not believe what the world has in store for you...
Take care of you and your kiddos...
Leave her ass by the curb and I'm sure the garbage men will be by to haul her ass off...
Not to belittle your pain, but you've said you were done before and you were not. You keep going back for more rejection and hostility from the WW.
If I could, I would walk you down to your laywer's and file. Today.
It will be expensive, but getting rid of the cancerous growth that your ww has become is worth it.
I didn't ask for this.
No, none of us asked for it mate. It's a huge pile of shit dropped on our laps wearing our best suits, and it stinks. It has stained the fabric, possibly permanently. If you can't get the stink and stain out of the suit, time to get a new suit, or at least get rid of that one. You say you had D prepped and ready 3 days out. It doesn't sound like your WW is coming around, it may be time to cut your losses and start to heal. I feel your pain from the roller coaster. My suits still at the cleaners, but I haven't given up on it being salvageable.
They helped a lot before the A because one of the reasons I drank too damn much was not being able to sleep. That's no excuse but self medicating with alcohol is one of those shitty life choices that can hurt the people around you and the goal is to self medicate in healthy ways. A doctor prescribed sleeping pill helped with that. Lots of other shit helped with the depression and loneliness. I think training in MMA was a way to inflict some serious self punishment on myself but it got me out of the house, met a lot of great guys over a couple years there and met my "lose weight" goals.
Ask your IC if you could benefit from talking to a psychiatrist for help sleeping. Sleep dep is a serious mind fuck. You can't function properly even if you tend to everything else. Hope things look up man. Take care of yourself isn't a farewell kinda thing, it's a take steps to keep healthy thing. Good luck.
That's why i say, Why would my WW risk all. Not because I am perfect, but because I have been good to her and my kids. I've been painted as a monster. In fact, last Aug when my wife battered me, somehow - I became the batterer! The last 3 years has been tough marriage wise, but she has no right to fuck me over like this. She won't file because she knows her lifestyle will come to a screeching end. I have contemplated moving back in, and telling her to get out of she doesn't like it. She can't afford the house even after a divorce. She has a college degree but hasn't worked in 12 years. I think I'm done calling it 'the fog'. Now she's just a fucking bitch.