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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, September 14th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The beer's so good - I'm not even gonna blame it..
.
.
this time.

Posts: 6013 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, September 17th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least it went to a new page quickly jj !

You can mess up a thread anytime you bring the microbrew dude!

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little update here.

WW, bless her heart, has now found a new man.

She went to her hometown a couple of weeks ago to see a football game with our oldest kid, and I saw a fb message from a dude that weekend, something to the effect of "Did I see you at the game? You looked so hot! If you weren't married I was going to hit on you!"

Of course, this is dripping red meat to Mrs. Self-Esteem, so she replied with her usual fishing for compliments thing, "Aw, I'm just an old Mom - no longer hot" and gives him her cell and says text me. She also mentions she's "going through a nasty divorce"

So, you know what happens next. They've sent maybe 300+ texts to each other the past week or so, some of them pictures (him to her). I haven't intercepted many, but I can guess as the content and nature of them.

As I said on an earlier post, at this point it's just sad / funny. It doesn't even affect me much anymore. I don't even want to confront, because - What's the point? I don't want to go through the whole argument pattern - blameshifting, then passive aggressiveness, then anger, then sorrow / breakdown / apologies. Uh-uh. No longer have tolerance for that shit.

BTW - the refinancing is moving along. That's what I'm counting on to be able to keep me and the kids in the house when the time comes. Still planning on early next year.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Cannon. I was wondering how things were going with you.
Of course, this is dripping red meat to Mrs. Self-Esteem

Yeah, it is pretty sad and funny once you've got some detachment under your belt. Good luck with the refi.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannon...

Fins to the left
Fins to the right and she's the only bait in town....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
WontStop
♂ Member
Member # 36246
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been posting in the Divorce forum, but I guess I should throw my hat in here as well. Looking at the end of my marriage as she is out with the POSOM. Last night, as weeknight, she had to work on her reports. Turns out her POSOM does all her work for her, so she goes and stays the night to get her work done. Yeah, and I'm sure her spreading her legs helped get that work done!

I swear, these WW come up with the lamest excuses. My only big smile is that lap dog of a POSOM is doing her bidding like the good dog he is.

She says "Sit rover! Good Dog! Let me rub your tummy and dick while you are at it!"
Glad its not me doing slave labor!


D-Day 5/18/2012
Me-42 WW-46
D-13 S-9
Status: Divorced

Posts: 223 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Northern Virginia
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the neighborhood Wont

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ironically, if FWW would just spread her legs or rub my tummy and dick once in a while I would be happy to do just about anything for her.

Cannot for the life of me understand why she was more concerned about having regular sex with OM than with me when she says she loves me and wants us to stay together.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds too close to walking and chewing gum. That kind of multitasking isn't worth the risk of what's involved.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7109 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright guys, I'm wading in. More or less in R, but it's been an OM fishing week, so I'm feeling cantankerous.

Is it wrong to be looking forward to the first beer tonight (this afternoon?) at 9:30 AM? I think it was jjct's Live Oak that got me.

Anyway, have a good weekend, and hang in there strong!

Thought for the day:

'I wish I was in Austin
In the Chili Parlor bar
Drinking mad dog margaritas
And not carin' where you are.'

Virtual tequila shot to anybody who knows the song.

Cheers.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The song is Dublin Blues by Guy Clark. Tequila shots for everyone.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right on, old dipstick.

Great version by Joe Ely on the recent Guy Clark tribute album.

I think I'm having Patron silver.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 399 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't know the song, but I'll do a tequila shot after work in honor of those who did. And then one for those who didn't...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make mine an 1800 chased with a Modelo.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When does this bullshit ever end? Iím no veteran of these boards by any means as Iím only a year and a half from dday, but being a member of SI sometimes feels akin to being on the front lines in the South Pacific during WW II. A new batch of recruits gets shipped in every week because so many of us are being slaughtered. It gets depressing sometimes. Itís great to know you and hear your stories, and hopefully the people here can help you as much as theyíve helped me, but I donít want to know you or hear your stories. It saddens me that so many people are going through or about to go through what Iíve been dealing with since March 2011. KWIM?

Sometimes I hesitate to post about whatís going on in my life because there are so many people here with unremorseful WWís, or folks with very recent ddayís. I feel for you guys and Iím glad Iím not in your situation. You know like Iím one of the lucky ones because my WW is remorseful. Well let me tell you something boys. Even with a remorseful WW, recovering from this shit ainít easy. Yeah my wife was immediately snapped out of ďthe fogĒ on dday. She gave me complete transparency into her life. She answered my questions honestly. She never longed for the OM or broke NC. Iím lucky right? Remorseful=good. Unremorseful=bad.

Bullshit. All of it sucks. All of it. Remorse is what youíd prefer, but itís no fucking guarantee either. There are levels of remorse you know. People arenít either completely remorseful or completely unremorseful. Some are but most aren't. People are much more complicated than that. At least in my view they are. I have the awful pleasure of having a WW who canít seem to discover the meaning of accountability. She feels accountable. She acts accountable sometimes. She says things that have some accountability to them, but she really doesnít understand what it is. She likes to ďfeelĒ accountable, not ďbeĒ accountable. You have to extract information from her. Sheíll be honest with you but only if you ask the question the right way.

I know people can change. Change isnít always good though you know? Somehow, some way, one of the ways Iíve seemed to change since dday is a new found ability to accept shitty treatment, minimization tactics, and ultra passive-aggressive behavior simply because now I know how to recognize it and call her on it. Yeah, sheís ďdoing the workĒ, going to IC and such, but when do you say when if it doesn't stop or get better? When do you stop justifying her behavior and ways of being and start being realistic about who youíre married to?

My WW minimized much of her affair. It was only through monitoring her behavior after dday that I had the displeasure of finding many of the secret emails and pictures they previously sent one another. It wasnít new stuff but it was stuff that happened, that she intentionally didnít tell me about, and she minimized to the Nth degree that I read and looked at that day. You can all guess what was there. Awful, awful shit, an experience no man should ever have to suffer at the hands of his wife. I did change at that moment. I became hyper-vigilant, untrusting, and emotionally unstable. That was short term though. Long term I seem to be using that level of trauma as some kind of benchmark for everything else. ďWell it wasnít as bad as when I found her gmail account history. No big dealĒ.
You know what? It is a big deal.

There was more minimizing uncovered this week. Nothing huge, nothing ďintentionalĒ as she likes to put it, but it was there and tangential to the pictures and emails. I can see clearly now. The shame and self-protection will never leave her. Itís been there from day 1 and itís still there, even with my sanity and our marriage at stake.

I like to fix things. I like to feel like I can fix anything. I cannot. I should stop trying. Iím going to stop trying to fix her. When I look back on how Iíve handled things since dday, there is very little I would change other than to stop believing in someone who is so intent on self-protection that theyíll literally do almost anything or sacrifice anyone to achieve it.

My wife fucked another guy while we were married. She told him she loved him. Who cares at this point? That doesnít bother me. What bothers me is that after discovery, after seeing me crushed, after all of the talks about honesty, vigilance, and safety, the first person on her list to protect is her. That hasnít changed at all. I donít think it ever will. I donít want to be married to someone like that. I am married to someone like that but I wonít be for much longer.

We talk about movies a lot on the Betrayed Menís thread. Specifically revenge movies and making one of our own. I love revenge movies. The Sting, Inglorious Basterds, Law Abiding Citizen, all great. I think I like stories of redemption more though. The greatest one I can think of is The Shawshank Redemption. You know it. Guys wife is fucking someone else, he gets wrongly accused of her murder, sent to prison, beaten and raped by Boggs and the Sodomites, etc, etc. I mean Andy actually crawls through a river of shit and comes out clean when he escapes prison. Itís a great story about strength of character and personal integrity. Iíve watched it several times recently and itís inspiring to me. I recommend you watching it too.

Maybe one day we can all bro hug on a beach somewhere. Jjct wisely suggested the Outer Banks, NC. Zihuatanejo might be more appropriate.

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 11:57 AM, October 15th (Monday)]


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dday3301011,

When do you stop justifying her behavior and ways of being and start being realistic about who youíre married to?

Word!

I like to feel like I can fix anything. I cannot. I should stop trying. Iím going to stop trying to fix her. When I look back on how Iíve handled things since dday, there is very little I would change other than to stop believing in someone who is so intent on self-protection that theyíll literally do almost anything or sacrifice anyone to achieve it.

Amen! Better is not fixed.

Yep, I am having a crap antiversary related day so I share with her. She goes on to tell me why I should not feel that way.

She says her needs are not being met in the M, but will not ask for or say what she wants because she does not want to sound needy.

I tell her what I want and need, and why. Try to model good behavior. She says I am narcissistic. It pisses me off that I even have reason to know how to spell narcissistic, let alone be accused of it. I guess it is a step up from when she and her DD referred to me as a psychopath.

ETA: I'll have that second Tequila now please.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:46 PM, September 21st (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy shit dday, I could have written that post almost word for word. You hit the nail square on the fucking head about accountability, minimizing, the trickle truth of finding Skype chats, pictures, texts, videos, stuff that I explicitly asked and she lied about until I found evidence. Like your WW, she has been NC (hell, as far as I know), transparent, and remorseful from right after DDay. I honestly think the only thing that doesn't describe our situation is my WW never told him she loved him. Cared deeply, craved him, desired him, lusted for him, but swears she didn't love him. For 17 months. I could go on about how I had to pull fingernails to even admit that he was more than "just a friend", but that would take away from your awesome post.

I can't imagine how hard this shit would be with some of the less "cooperative" WW's I read about. Some of our brethren have been put through real hell (((MPB and others))).

The Shawshank Redemption is one of my favorite movies. I think I'll take that shot now too. 1800 is chilled. And the OB sounds like a perfect place.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OBX? Can I bring a surf rod?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"less cooperative"
Let me tell you about less cooperative and it will explain why I'm an xBH and not a BH anymore. Dday#1 she denied x100 (and threw in some creative gaslighting). Fast forward to after I moved out thanks to dday#2-4 and she's sitting in my L's office with a stack of emails and IM's in front of her and she tells my L "I don't want to say I cheated." Now I never confronted her about the other ddays because I knew how it would end, exactly as it did in my L's office.

D is final and I have my life back. Now I'm rebuilding it.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
bfmvalentine
♂ Member
Member # 30358
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. Just wanted to pop in and wish everyone at least a peacefull weekend. Im sorry i havent been posting much, i still have some pretty bad anger issues toward OM even 2 years out and Im always afraid that will come across when I try to help anybody. My wifes affair was with our sons schoolbus driver and apparently he was recently rehired and.his route runs the neighborhood next to mine now. I get to see this shrek looking POS every morning driving to work now. At least hes smart and he bows his head down when he sees me. Fuckin 2 years later, no.contact since.dday and im still shooting at his fn facebook picture at the range twice a week. Im really at a loss.how to get past it.


Me BS 38
WW 35
DDAY 8/9/10
Married 7 years
1 5yr old special needs son

Posts: 94 | Registered: Dec 2010
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