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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64)))
I went with every other. My boys are in their 20's now...developing, you know. sigh.

64 & all)))


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling a little better today.

After meeting with the lawyer he said the mediation agreement from two years ago was very solid. The only rub would be if she didn't agree anymore on giving me the house (she was in such a hurry to get away from her terrible, terrible husband that she just told me I could have it), then we'd have to renegotiate.

He recommended against a custody fight, as I expected. He said it would probably be very costly (financially and emotionally) with very little likelihood of success.

So my plan now is to refinance, see if I can get a more manageable mortgage payment, then have the conversation early next year after the kids' b-days and the holidays.

In the meantime, last night I embarked on a fun little diversion. I suspected that WW has already signed up on a dating website, and confirmed it last night by signing up myself (seriously....you can't make this shit up )

I created a dude that has very similar interests to her and found a random picture of her "type". I'm going to contact her and see if I can do the "Pina Colada Song" thing. Should be pretty fun


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many of us were victims of false advertising.
I like fleet is a long ways out and I am convinced of a few things in my "marriage".

She is broken in many fundamental ways and will never change.

I am screwed in a D in the state I live in (my fault for having a penis) I would get destroyed in a D.

I have to be a hard ass with her at times or she will start acting like a fool and treat me poorly. She only responds to punishment.

I am trapped and at least with the kids grow up I can be free again.

Sad but true but the sooner you accept and live a life that no longer has the marriage as the center of the universe but yourself and the kids the better you will be off.

I am genrally happy despite my M not because of it.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
bluecali
♂ Member
Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a little post-separation happy check in for you guys. Life is good. Now that I'm no longer trying to work on things with STBXWW, not still choking down the shit sandwich she fed me, not trying to be empathetic about her fucked-upedness, not wondering what's wrong with me, life is good. I'm a better parent, I enjoy the single time, I'm learning and growing, and, yes, women are popping up all over. Women who have a lot of what STBXWW didn't, including the ability to be complimentary, and affectionate, and honest, and communicative, and ...

Take heart guys, it gets better.


Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

love it blu!
Make no mistake though, when I read the hanging in posts, they fill me with awe, and respect, and sadness. Yeah *my fault* I was born with a dick. If there ever were a nuff said in the nuff said universe, that'd be it.

Cannon, you sound better my friend - glad to see you seeing what she is. Enjoy yourself - heh, methinks joy's been in short supply round your parts...when it turns to sad joy...aka: knowing

(I got to preDICKting stage hahahah whaddapunny guy!)
I could've had her 20 ways from sunday - guess what? By then I didn't care and it didn't matter - process the shit sandwich at your own speed eh?

Eventually, you'll put it down, that sad shit sammich, then?

Then life will taste real gud!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Gentlemen, I have a question.

What do you do to "Make it through the night", as it were? What helps you beat back the tide and drain away the stress?

I, I'll be sorry to admit, have developed a somewhat troubling affection for Scotch.

Scotch, scotch, wonderful scotch. A lovely 15 year old Glen Fiddich I'm currently enjoying.


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twitchy,
You don't mellow out with a dear friend called, 'Glenfiddich'! You find a friend called Twitchy! One that you admire for his tenacity, strength and self worth.
Leave Glen at home and hit the gym, go do something you enjoy; fish, play cards with friends, anything that will make you happy. Just get out and away from the shitstorm!
Bottom line, take care of yourself. You are responsible, first and foremost, for your health, which dictates your future and your eventual,inevitable happiness.
MPBs
PS - or go to a target range with Medic and blow away some silhouettes!

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all the brethren hurting out there and feeling out of control, read Lonely Husbands post in JFO. Posting because I'm not sure how many of you visit that forum.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred and LonelyHusband

True words - you HAVE to get some control back to survive this crap. Filing made all the difference for me. Once I had my feet under me and could make more rational (notice I did not say entirely rational) decisions, things got WAY better.

In fact, I am positive we would not be R (and right now, the best times of our entire marriage since the first few years) if I had not done that.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twitchy, I use that therapy myself. I did have to buy some Gordon's to drink after the 2nd or third Oban. It was much cheaper, and by then I did not notice the taste so much. For really bad nights, Mcallister's Cask Strength.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPB - Thanks for the words of encouragement. I don't often hit the bottle. Hell, a 6 pack of beer usually goes off in my house before i can drink it.

I've been going to the gym regularly for the past 4 months. Lost 25 lbs. Actually, I look so good I think WW is nervous of the competition.

Just felt a little down and anxious last night, like the walls were closing in. This morning reminded me why drinking is not an effective stress reliever.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 9:52 AM, August 31st (Friday)]


BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
LB30
♂ New Member
Member # 36589
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’ve read a LOT of posts throughout all the “Betrayed Men” threads, and there’s so many strong words and thoughts to keep me going through all this time, but I still want/need some advice.

My fWW has completely disavowed her relationship with the OM (it helps that he’s in another country—sort of a forced NC), and has firmly said she chooses this M at least as far as we can take R. She says that she’s willing to go through the whole process even if it means I wake up at the end and decide I can’t ever get over the A and file for D. I don’t want any of that at this point—even talking about it seems pointless because she and I have no idea what’s going on inside right now. The problem is she seems to be having trouble dealing with resentment for past “offenses” on my part and other somewhat revisionist history items. By saying she’s having trouble; I mean she is sad, quiet and somewhat withdrawn. From someone I know as a talkative, passionate and outgoing person, I know there’s something going on inside her head. Some days the sun breaks through the clouds and she’s back, but for the most part at 6 weeks after D-Day, she’s holding back from giving the relationship what it needs on her part to start some sort of R. She says she has so much to deal with in her head (regret, sorrow, confusion, past resentment, guilt, etc), that she is only capable of giving me her current state of emotion.

That’s the trouble I’m having…yeah, I understand that she might have had some resentment for me over the years for my depression, anxiety, etc. but once she threw the A on top of all that, there’s certain things I expect from her to help me feel better about our situation right now. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve made some HUGE personal changes for me this time (attitude, exercise, positive thinking, etc.) and I’m on the road to finding myself finally after 39 years on earth. I have looked inside myself and realized that I have been as near to perfect as a spouse can be over 10 years of marriage. The minor transgressions she feels resentment for are HER problem, and could have been dealt with easily instead of by letting them build into an A (her words, not mine). So what do I do with a spouse that is not that willing to enter the race? Any attempts at communication over this issue are met with an “I told you this is all I have to give right now…” I mean, she’s not pining for her lover, she’s not wishing this M was over, she’s just sad and depressed. What the hell do I do???


Me (BS): 39
Her (WW): 31
D-Day 7/23/2012
Married 5/25/2002
Children: 8 and 4
OM: Childhood friend
Status: Limbo, but on the verge of S

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: California
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

past resentments huh?
like what, you called her a naughty name that one time three years ago?
you forgot to buy her tiger lilies instead of roses?
you ignored her while watching the game?

the list goes on and on my friend!
she can say whatever the hell she wants about whay YOU DID(or didnt ) do that "led her" to do this crap, but the fact is, you didnt cause it,choose it, or have any say what the fuck so ever it.
SHE DID IT. Not you.

resentments...pffshhht...im so fucking tired of that word!
what she has is "grudges", not resentments, theres a big difference.
resentments are legitimate hurts that go unresolved by the offender.
Grudges are typically recycled excuses that passive aggressive people use to "justify" treating others like shit and expecting them to "understand what led them to do it".

so, what was it that you did that was so terrible?

for me, it was not packing the diaper bag for the sitters often enough.
working too much.
oh, and i gave her wedgie once like five years prior in front of my brother, that apparently "changed her opinion of me"

what you need to remember is that the laws of cognitive dissonance prevail here.
they will use whatever ammo they can find(or make up) to relieve their guilt.
let that shit go right out the other ear.
or cut it off at knees as it comes outta mouth.
either way, fuhgetahboutit, its bullshit.
if you are happy with yourself, dont let her distorted opinion of you change that.
if you feel you need or could improve in areas(cant we all) then do it.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LB - stick with the huge personal changes - but do them for you - you only.

You're only a little over a month since Dday, and every one of us understands the suck, and what the hell do I do craziness.

Pay extra attention to wal's posts on here. He is very gifted in describing the process, particularly in your stage of the process.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=448526&AP=701&HL=

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=448526&AP=481&HL=

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=448526&AP=521&HL=

There's plenty more.
I hope you realize,
anything she says about you & things you've supposedly done at this point is an attempt to avoid herself.

Like, maybe you could deal with her *resentment* when she gets the smell of strange cock off her - would that work?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I remember your story...maybe re-read some of that excellent advice on there:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=468312&HL=36589

Me? My 1st x recruited my boys into her deception and lies.
It damaged them.
That's why I take the approach with you that I do.

If she's not slobberknocked and as a result, absolutely focused on fixing the damage to her own children...what?
Whaddya got here?

You know what? What's wrong with answering
"I told you it's all I got."
with
"Ok here, then."
& serving her the filed D papers.
"This is all I got."
and ohh...
"There's the door."

You know the time it takes to finalize them things?

She has time to pull her head out. Before it's done.

Figuring out her shit is not on you. She's got to do it.
I'm sorry you're even having to listen to any more bullshit about
"things you did"
"resentments"
"the marriage"
"etc"

If full-blown remorse ain't flowing out in big snot-bubbles from her...
it's just fucking noise.
Fuck that noise.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I gotta come clean. I said I was going to file, but I got to attorney's office and had an hour long discussion and at the end - I just couldn't sign.

Yesterday, WW asked me if I wanted to spend some time with my boys. I said of course, and took them to the mall and stuff for a couple of hours. They wanted a new xbox game so I bought them one. So of course they wanted to go home to play it. When we got back to the house they started playing and I sat there with all the computers in the house passworded. I texted the WW asking for the password. No response. So as my blood begins to boil I decide to have a look around the house. It didnt take long before I found her affair lingerie and a valentine card from this year that she gave him. I guess he couldn't take it home to his BS. So she kept it for him.

This really set me off.

I took all her shit out to the backyard and poured gas on it and set it on fire. Then, took a pic and texted it to her.

She got home 30 minutes later. And of course went ballistic. I told her "what do you expect?.

So, It was horrible. Felt like another dday. Unremorseful, blameshifting,gaslighting. My WW is some piece of work.

So, this morning - I have decided to call the attorney first thing Tuesday and go back and sign so D can be filed.

I have had another terribly long night and morning. i am simply shocked and heartbroken that she has done this - and then blamed me for it.

Its my hope that I will get some self respect and self esteem back. I feel so depressed about all of this. I have been unable to truly 180. I just can't hold it together.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any attempts at communication over this issue are met with an “I told you this is all I have to give right now…” I mean, she’s not pining for her lover, she’s not wishing this M was over, she’s just sad and depressed. What the hell do I do???

Tell her that it isn't enough and 180, imo.

I am one of those guys whose wife threw in 100%. She would say shit like that but then turn around an hour or two later after thinking about it, apologize and talk about things.

If you want to wait for her to work her shit out, at her pace, to her own satisfaction, that is your call. Could even work I guess. Ultimately, though, that control you have right there is the same control you have over your own life and how you want to lay out your boundaries.

Be clear, up front and uncompromising. This affair was all about her weakness already. If she can't put on her big girl panties and handle it when you're bleeding out because she gut stuck you, that's a pretty clear message, that she's either unwilling or incapable.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kchip,
your WW is unbelievable!!
First she cheats, then gives you an STD, then tries to tell you "get over it, others have it worse"(classic abuser hook when said by the one holding the knife, so to speak).
Then continues to put you in harms way!!!
Please file, a get/stay away from that mess of a woman.
You deserve so much better!
My W tried to downplay it to when i found a bump on my shaft.
do to nature of HPV, i told her that it didnt matter whether SHE was the one that gave it to me or not...point was, SHE took ALL the steps necessary TO give it to me.
I told her what she did was the same as finding a used needle on the street and sticking me with it!! Might be clean, might not be...who knows, who gives a shit, keep it the fuck away from me!


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
wilkie8771
♂ New Member
Member # 36692
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is WW still angry at me after 6 month separation? She found OM, moved in with him. ( he left after 3 days) yet she blames me for everything. I'm the one that wants to R and she's angry. Could a WS explain this please.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2012
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wilkie8771
Not a WS but I can try to answer your question.

It's called projection. For some people who engage in very self-destructive behavior they project their feelings of anger and self-loathing outwards. Usually the feelings are directed most to the person they've hurt the most. Your willing to go with R and she cannot understand that. Right now she likely hates herself and thinks she is worthless so how can you possible want her? Or want R? Some people simply cannot face their own demons and accept those negative things about themselves. However, they cannot escape the facts of their life either so they have anger, resentment and even hatred and have to put it somewhere.

If this applies to her then you cannot do anything to help her snap out of it. It has to come from within. Go 180 for your own health.

Another thing to remember is that hostility is another way to maintain a relationship. Disengaging as much as possible deprives her of being able to stay "connected" with you.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3364 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
UR_AN_IDIOT
♀ Member
Member # 18764
Red  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wilkie8771,

You directed your question to WS's. WS's are not allowed to answer on the Betrayed Men thread.

This thread is a good place for you to find support but do not ask questions of WS's on a thread that they cannot post on.

This is the appropriate thread for your question:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=428388


Me:BW 48
FWH: 50

Married 25 years
DD 23 DS 21
Reconciled


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