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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of you know my story well. I think that there is a thawing of sorts in the WW.

She broke down last night. The whole thing seems to finally being backing up on her. Withdraw probably. Finally.

I'm not doing shit, she has already gutted me, stuffed me, and mounted me. It's been the worst 6 weeks of my life.

Point of no return?

This things never going to end is it?


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip,

One of the things I've read on here and learned in general about infidelity and affairs is reconciliation happening and a strong happy marriage flourishing from this bullshit is almost entirely based on how the WS acts after being outed on D-Day.

Their actions, words, and choices influence and dictate how things proceed.

Your wife very well may be coming around a bit now, who knows (only her really), but the damage of the affair is bad enough, what she's been doing to you since might be your camel breaking straw or coffin sealing nail.

And honestly, it ends when you say it ends. Get that divorce going or hang in there to see what she chooses. But then, not to presume too much (just what I've read of yours) that's what she's been doing the whole time, making the choices.

Hang in there, you can make it through this one way or another.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figured that was coming kchip. We've all seen it in our own lives and play out hundreds of times on these boards.

What's happening to your wife is called cognitive dissonance. It's a disruption of her current delusional self image.

You mentioned in one of your previous posts that she seemed happy and like nothing was really bothering her. While I believe she may be good at projecting that sort of image (many people are), she's performing some serious mental gymnastics to act that way in the face of all of the destruction she knows she's caused. I bet the breakdown was a consequence of the pressure of her level of self-delusion staring harsh realities right in the face.

I don't think anyone can answer whether or not she'll continue on her destructive path. Some WS's really do snap out of their delusional state very abruptly, like my WW on dday. Others take time and continue with all of the destruction until they are faced with enough reality based consequences to help them see the light. Others never do see anything other than how much they deserve to "feel good" and "find their happiness".

This things never going to end is it?

It ends when you say it ends kchip. Step away from her. If she begs, pleads, and does everything in her power to make you feel safe, then you'll have a chance. That's not a short term process either. It takes months and years of remorse, transparency, and diligence on her part. You won't have to guess as to whether or not she's putting in the effort. It will be very clear to you.

I think you deserve that at this point, and if I were you I wouldn't settle for one speck less than that. She's used up all of her chances at your expense. Please don't surrender your own self worth for the hope that she finally sees the light.

Make her prove it to you.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 25th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KChip,

Sorry for your pain. You wife is following the script so far of the remorseless WW. Destroying you to make her feel good about f&^%ing the other man, belittling you, blaming you, whatever in the name of HER fun.

But she can only do that so long. Unless she is a sociopath, she can't keep reality from setting in and making her realize what evil she has done.

BUT, AND THIS IS A WARNING, do not be sucked in. This is exactly what she wants. She wants you to reach out and make it all better. She would be happiest if things just went back to the way they were - your $$$s and safety and OMs dick and attention.

She will do just about anything to draw you back in to make it better. She NEEDS you to make it better because she cannot on her own. Believe me, my fww used every trick, including sex, to get me to fix her shit.

And believe me, I WANTED, no NEEDED to fix it. That is what I did for 19 years of marriage. I fixed things for her. She was the princess and I was the effing serf there to do her bidding and "make her happy."

WELL KCHIP, you cannot fix her. You cannot fix it for her. SHE MUST.

If you really still want to be a husband to this horribly broken woman, give her a list of what she must accomplish to stay married. IC, transparency, and restitution of your good name. Let her know she has problems that she must fix, now or in a future relationship, or she wil always have this hole in her soul, she will always be known to her boys as the broken mommy.

She has to hit rock bottom to find HER way out.

Be compassionate as you like and as you need. But please man, do not be like most of us. Realize you cannot fix it or her. And as best and gently as you can, make sure she knows she has to fix herself for herself and her kids.

Good luck brother. This part sucks as much as the rest...


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip - if you cheated, would you need your wife to make a friggin list of what you had to do to fix it?

(I'm not against the suggestion, but...think about what that means)


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 26th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JJ is right. You should NOT have to make a list.

But if you are hell-bent on R, and I do not mean to use that in a prejorative way, but really, given what you have written about her, you would have to be possessed to want her back, well, you need to write down what you need to R.

I bet once you write it down, you will soon find out that she would never agree to it.

But maybe you feel you have to try... I sure hope not.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Watch out kchip...

The ex pulled that stunt with pleas of "we can be better" A few rolls in the hay with me and she thought "Great! Backup plan still in place."

Warning, warning Will Robinson!

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What am I going to do? If she comes to me with R, for my families sake - I have to give it at least one try. She's been really fucked up and I am not at all thrilled but are you telling me I'm the first guy to taste a shitsandwich around here?

No.

I'm not hellbent, I'm open minded to anything if she shows willingness. I have files the divorce with the court and she's gonna get served this week. If she doesn't come out of this fog then I will give her the horns.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she comes to you with R, with families sake, it means she truly is not remorseful, and she's grasping at your heartstrings to save it.
If she comes to R, with true snot bubbling remorse, go ahead then, give a listen.
Remorse.
Does your heart hear the soul-clenching thing?
Or does it hear a faint echo? The thing you'd wish to hear?

I'd satisfy myself with those things

temporarily.

I'd be asleep to the yawning need within me.

Then it would roar. Yes.

The wanting for a true one, who'd not only plant a wet one for happy now

but one,
who might stay, bearing true things.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gFp3ubtpoI

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,
You're killing me with the pics! lol.
I started dating and when they ask about my divorce and I start blabbering, they say, well, ah, maybe you need more time. Right! I need a friend like jjct that shares! lol.
Not worried, I know there are honorable, sincere women out there.Anyhow I will be busy with moving into my house in a few weeks.
kchip,
Everyone here is giving you very good advice. 'Be Cautious'! A sociopath will tell you anything to keep you at bay, on the edge.
I know it is very difficult; you see the kids suffering and want to R, but this horrible decision she has made and the way she has treated you has already taken it's toll on your kids.
I'm just saying, maybe it's time to cut the umbilical, save yourself and the kids from further hurt and I pray that you live in a state that still has Adultery laws on the books!
God's Speed,
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey KChip - I feel for you brother. Just wanted to comment on your post a few up.
What am I going to do? If she comes to me with R, for my families sake - I have to give it at least one try.

She doesn't come to you with R. You are still letting her dictate the terms of your marriage and your life. You go to her with R. R is a gift from you. You only offer R when you are truly ready. You'll know when. Like JJCT says, it's all about remorse. My WW finally got it after putting me through 7 months of the most excruciating hell a person can handle. I still tread carefully every single minute of every single day.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip,

I have followed your story. I'm not so sure that "breaking down" is necessarily a thawing at all. It certainly is not remorse. Either way, you have to do what is best for yourself. That's just the way it is.

I just have to say that you are not obligated to stay in a marriage to a broken person for your family's sake. Your family will survive (perhaps in a different form), whether you are with this person or not. Without a remorseful spouse who is working hard on the marriage, you will be miserable.


Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2010
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip...

I think her next big staged act is going to be the reaction to getting served...

Keep the ramparts manned and be alert....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone here is giving you very good advice. 'Be Cautious'! A sociopath will tell you anything to keep you at bay, on the edge.

This, this, this

For the family... a tough thing to overcome in the head- especially when looking at the pain in the eyes of your littles. Yet, are they better off with an empty R? The M that existed before? With a mom who hasn't really fixed her shit because it was obviously the father's fault?

When my ex figured out this actually sloshed around in my head she used it to control and manipulate for three years after the D. For the kids. I will tell you, that was not good for them.

Keep an open mind, yes, but be wary, careful, and expect the worst. She has much to prove to you. For the kids mental health. For your well being. For the relationship.

Can she?


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
kchip
♂ Member
Member # 36365
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been 6 weeks since Dday. I am not calling her, texting, or emailing. Since outting her OM to his BW and the fallout from that things have started to settle down. She calls me every night but I have her in my reject list so I never answer, she leaves VM and if I want to call her back (usually its to say goodnight to the kids) I can.

Last week, I suggested pulling the plug on MC and asked her to start IC with this C instead. I know my WW better than anyone. She is stubborn,and has major FOO issues. Its their family motto - rug sweep. Well, Ive told her that's not happening. She needs to work with C and get her head out of the clouds. I actually like the C, she really calls her out on her shit so I am hopeful that WW will get a good earful wed. Its my hope she will keep going because there is something else going on with her and it concerns me. Without a doubt she is drinking to much lately too, and I think that has fueled much of the hurtful talk that she has spewed in my direction.
For me personally, I have sobered up. No more drinking and I am in a program. I've been in and out for 15 years. So I am getting stonger now that I have de-fogged. Exercising, loosing weight (45 lbs since DDay) and feeling a little better these last couple of days. I finally slept last night for 8 hours. Thats the first night of full sleep since dday. Im still struggling at times during the day, mind movies.
I miss my kids more right now than anything and I am hearing how she has been very short tempered with them (from oldest). They asked me when I am coming home and it breaks my heart you know. I am very close and affectionate to my boys and they need me and right now I am basically exiled.

I know my wife has disappointed me immensely but 6 weeks out from dday, I cant be sure there is zero hope. Right now I will hit with the papers, and wait to see what happens next.

I will update you all and thanks for looking out for me.


Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
Status: DIVORCING
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentlemen: Feeling super low right now. All the crap thatís happened the last month Ė the umpteenth D-Day and ensuing drama, my brother losing his job, one best friend dying and one moving away, the stress of starting school againÖitís starting to catch up. Iím normally the reliable one, the ďrockĒ, but Iím feeling like Iím going to crash very, very soon.
Part of that is now feeling trapped. Iím talking with a lawyer today, but last night I had a couple of beers with my neighbor, a good friend whoís also a realtor. I wanted to pick his brain about my situation as it relates to real estate.
I donít think I can keep my house if we divorce. When we separated a couple years ago, I was getting by making payments, but just barely. I couldnít keep it up for much longer. To I have about 151 K left on my mortgage, and because I thought things were getting better, we took out a second mortgage of 7K to make some home improvements (painting, carpentry, etc). Getting the house ready to sell would require lots of money to fix things, replace the carpet, fix the dishwasher and the like Ė money I donít have (ten years with three young kids takes a toll on a home, you could say). So, I would have to sink in lots of money that I donít have just to maybe break even on the house.
My other option is to go ahead and try to refinance to pull my monthly payment down a few hundred, which is probably doable. However, then I probably have to buy her out of the equity in the house, which I canít do either.
I feel f**king trapped.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cannon,
Don't know what state you live in, but here, in wonderful NJ,I was told right from the start, NOT to move out. Then you face exactly what you are talking about; paying double for everything, yourself and her.
I'm not that familiar with your total picture, but common sense would dictate, if you are divorcing, then DO NOT INVEST more money in the home that she will ultimately get more out of! Cut your losses and get what you can from it.
Or, buy her out, if you can.
Again, I don't know your entire situation, but you should have, at least, have visitation rites for the kids.
Sell or buy her out! Money is only money. Take strength in knowing your kids love you and miss you. I would suggest you try to get them as much as possible.
That's what I'm hearing from your writings.
Hang in there brother, we all hit that bump in the road!
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip,

What am I going to do? If she comes to me with R, for my families sake - I have to give it at least one try.

Do what you want, and take enough time to figure it out. I am realizing that true R is a very rare beast.

Some guys (and gals) get very clear signals from their WS that there is no hope for the future. Broken NC, refusal to deal with issues, no transparency, etc. There is not hope to "stay together for the family" because the M and the family are clearly broken and the WS has no interest in making repairs.

Others see their WS have an epiphany. There is NC, there is transparency, there is identifying and addressing their issues, there is concerted effort by the WS to repair the M. Over time, these marriages are reconciled to something both spouses are happy with and proud of.

Then there is the vast middle ground where I find myself almost 3 years out. FWW has maintained NC and worked hard in IC on her issues. She no longer blames me for all that is wrong in her life, she hates the OM and is truly apprehensive about even seeing them in public. I have full access to her email and other communications, all good things.

OTOH, she TTíd for 7 months, gave me much information but I have never gotten complete honesty or all the details I asked for. We have a sexless M (< 10x a year). There is always an excuse, but the result is the same. I do not believe she is capable of emotional intimacy and really loving me. She is still afraid to show me the real her.

If your WS does come to you and you do decide to give it one more try, set very strong boundaries. Where I did; NC, IC, and access to accounts she has done well and I feel safe. Where I was less clear and insisting on boundaries, we are not doing well. I felt uncomfortable, and thought it was inappropriate to make regular sexual relations and other non-sexual touching a boundary. I hoped she would improve, but she has not. I did separate our finances, but I could have been much clearer about her only having her money to spend (after her share of expenses), but I continued to help support her from my income (2.5x hers). I am now as high a priority as her work, friends, and family, but as an equal. I am not the priority in her life. Again, it is better, I used to suck the hind tit, but I should have insisted.

I thought that if FWW worked on herself, the M and our relationship would follow. I was wrong, the holes in her were much deeper than I suspected. Even with all of the work she has done, and improvement she has made, the other night she told me she was ready to quit, she would never ďever, ever, everĒ be who I wanted and that her needs were not being met in the M.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not believe she is capable of emotional intimacy and really loving me. She is still afraid to show me the real her.

same here, I blame SAb when she was very young. I cannot
change that.

I am realizing that true R is a very rare beast
Nearly 4 yrs out, and I agree.

It seems the choice is stay,and accept; or lose everything to D lawyers and see my kids every other weekend.

I feel trapped too, cannon. And no one to blame but me. I entered this M willingly.
Shoulda listened to Mom...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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