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User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
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Red  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI does not condone illegal activity. Please continue to vent here but we cannot allow members to actively ask for real revenge ideas.

Posts: 30732 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip - if you're divorcing I think the best revenge is the following: be the best you can be. Enjoy life (even if you're pretending). Do a full 180. Let your STBX miss you. Let her see how amazing you are in comparison with OM. Oops, too late, she can't have you anymore. In a year from now (after you heal) get a much younger GF :)

People can do parts of the 180 even when R'ed. Go do new things, new hobbies, be a volunteer.

Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1160 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
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Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey kchip, you didn't ask anything that hasn't been thought of on this thread before and the guys on this thread understand. You are at the beginning of a long road of bullshit, but luckily there are guys that will support you and make you think about what is really important. Listen to them, take what works and leave the rest. Take a deep breath.


Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
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Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the first real laugh that I have had since D-Day last night. WW finally came clean on all the details, even the ones she had been keeping from me. She had been saying all along that it wasn't really about sex, but was about an emotional need and talking to this clown. Being a man and having my own issues with being closed off emotionally I really didn't comprehend this. In my revenge fantasies I am swinging from the chandelier with 23 year old strippers, but I digress. So last night she tells me that OM (who is involved in theater) had trouble getting it up and did not like to perform oral sex. So I start laughing hysterically and she asks what's so funny. So I said to her "so you were with a guy who likes theater, likes to talk to women, can't get it up and doesn't like to perform oral?" She says yes. "Honey, I think you had an affair with a gay man."
I'm still laughing this morning. Had to share this. Hope all the boys have a good day today.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning. Just a quick note to say thanks for all the support, insight and the laughs. For all those not in R, thanks for seeing through your pain and dealing with some of my issues that do not relate to your life (thanks for putting up with it). I find the general help on SI valuable, but sometimes it just feels to feminine, missing some testosterone. Thatís never a problem here and itís a perspective that I sorely needed.

Iím tired of the roller coaster. This shit has been getting in my way. Iíve got a life to live and today Iím putting my nose down to live it. There is still so much for me to work through, but damn it Iím not going to put aside what I want and need in other areas of my life for this. Iím laying out a plan, setting some time aside to deal with her A and our M, and Iím not letting it take over any more of my life than that.

I donít think I am taking a naÔve approach to it this time. Iím not sweeping it under the rug. Iím going to set time aside to deal with it and me. Iím not changing my requirements to be in the M. Iím just not going to let it dominate my life. I know it will not be easy and there will be setbacks. Iím setting my sights, climbing the mountain. Thanks again for the banter and support. I appreciate having this place to lay this out and to hear from someone with a little testosterone.

Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
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Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best revenge is living well.

Me: BH 50
her: fWW 41
Married 19 years
3 Beautiful Kids (14,8,6)
D-Day: 1-26-11
Status: Reconciled
"From Happy to Separated to Divorcing to living together again in 16 Days."

Endeavor to Persevere

Posts: 424 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Va
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Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanting revenge is normal. Eventually you realize your issue is with your W, not OM. She brought this hell into your life. Be angry with her. OM could have been any idiot with some smooth words.

t/j Begin cautionary tale

I had a former fiancee who cheated on me and I got a R of the kinds that you guys have described on the OM.

I can speak from experience, it doesn't make you feel any better. It seems like it should but trust me does not change one soul crushing iota. You still hurt, you still trigger and you still think about it every second of everyday.

Ironcially, my greatest gain of that whole mess was that it helped me end my engagement to a bi-polar, selfish, high maintenance, overly dramatic woman. She still tries to contact me and I blow her off. She is nothing to me, but a cautionary tale. I think I won that one.

Consequences on top of consequences. Really ? It can be way worse than it already is. Think on it.

End preachy, soap box, t/j cautionary tale.

BTW I do understand the anger and the need to direct it somewhere. I totally get that. Actually carrying it out, not so much.

Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look guys, I am hurting bad. I mean I am obsessing over the sex issue. I loved my wife and she always told me I was wonderful in the sack. I always pleasured her first. In fact, this is a what bothers me - I ALWAYS had to initiate love making with WW. And I mean always.

On D-Day, I finally found her laptop logged in and thats how I found our about the A. The problem is, She was not home for at least another 1.5 hours and I sat there and read ALL the emails and saw ALL the pics he sent her. I am shattered. They discuss explicitly what there going to do to each other - and my WW discusses taking initiative with mOM as soon as they get in the hotel room. She has been shaving bald too for sometime, and for some reason she always in years past stopped me from going down, saying it never worked for her and not just me. Now she's bald and literally borrowed my razor from me the day before D-DAy - the day she never came home and never answered her cell. All of this shit is eating me alive and its been exactly one month since D-Day. I can't get it out of my mind and sometimes it really backs up and I just loose it. Her lack of remorse and actually laughing at me sometimes when I trying to talk to her....OMG...I start to loose it.

Can anyone suggest a course of action to help me get this shit out of my mind. I would love to just go out and get laid and maybe bang 10 chicks as revenge but its not as easy at 41 as it was at 25.

Why do I love this girl and when will it stop hurting?

[This message edited by kchip at 5:10 AM, August 16th (Thursday)]

Me: BH (42)
2 boys, age 10/7
D Day: July 15, 2012
You know that movie, Sleeping With the Enemy? Well I am Julia Roberts in that one......sighhhh
"When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change"

Posts: 471 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít have much to offer tonight Ė this shit sucks so bad when the WS does everything right so when they donít I just canít imagine. Fuck man, you have to do something to move your mind off it tonight. I donít think finding an easy lay is going to help, and Iíd guess you would be miserable right now trying. Is there something physical you can do? Exercise and exhaust yourself and then get some sleep. It will be better and that is hard to see right. There is no point in trying to figure out how right now. Just be careful and donít do anything rash. Focus on you.

Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
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Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip))) - you're divorcing, right? Well, any juice you might gain from "talking to her" ain't worth the squeeze.
Keep it to kids and finances only.

Why the fuck would you expose your thoughts, feelings, and heart to such cruelty?
NC = No new hurt.

Laughing at you? Hell, I'd use that memory to shut myself down and out of her! She'd not get one more glimpse into my heart!

I'm cool.
I'm strong.
Hell, I am fucking awesome!
& you, stbxWW, don't get access to my amazing fizzly awesomeness ever again - your loss, so sad, too bad.

When you shut off, prepare for probes. Then, you can laugh your ass off. (I chose to do even that silently - to not even give her that)

The images. Lots and lots of discussion here on how to get rid of them.
My take is - your brain can't process negatives.
Quick - don't think of a pink elephant.
haha see? You did!
So what worked for me was giving up trying. Whenever that rotten potato appeared in my mind, I let it. I examined that fukker from every angle, as long as I wanted to.
Then, I'd put it down for the next time. Got busy living, working, know, "the rest of life".
In time, the need to take it out and examine it just left me.

I had processed it, not denied it.
My thinking is to allow yourself to fully process, "go through" - all those stages of healing thingys...leave no stone'll find there will be a time where you don't have to do it anymore, you'll have drunk every last drop of the bitter cup and you can put that fukker down.

To this day, I have the damdest time eating leftovers.

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kchip listen.

You have experienced a trauma as severe as any in this world. One of the telltale signs of PTSD is hyper vigilance and obsessive thinking.

I am not telling that to scare you, but help you realize it is ok to talk to an IC about it.

I have had rage issues stemming from my FOO my whole life. When they get too difficult I talk to my IC and sometimes he can offer advice or even meds to help short term (I believe the term is "leveling" or something like that).

These events mess with your brain chemistry and taking some meds to counter act that is in no way wrong.

If you had an infection you'd take antibiotics, right ?

Do you have an IC you can schedule an appointment with ? IC has been my saving grace too many times to count.

Try exercising first and getting some rest, but get to an IC. Most of the guys I have spoken with and made it through to the other side (single or reconciled) had the help of a professional.

Getting help does not make you weak, it makes you smart and salient.

I have been there too man, we all have. So sorry. It hurts like nothing else can.

Day to day is all you need to handle right now.

Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
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Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to these forums and wanted to say how great it is to see that what I am feeling is textbook. I really enjoy reading posts from numb&dumb and WAL. WAL is like a "wise-man" So many insightful thoughts thusfar.

Me: BH32
WW 33
Married 9 years. Together 17 years
2 wonderful daughters
D-Day 2-8-2012 PA with a personal trainer at the gym. A-hole doesn't even have a great body.
Status: Trying to keep it together.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: MA
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Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kchip, it will hurt less when you detach.

You will detach when you 180 hard enough to keep her out of your immediate life as much as possible.

Keeping her out of your immediate life as much as possible will get her out of mind. Think of that like quitting smoking, though. Poison leaches out over time. Exposing yourself to even second hand smoke right at the start just trails the addiction pain along at its peak.

White knuckle it for a few days of NC. Exercise, go to a psychiatrist ASAP and explain the situation and ask for help sleeping if you don't want to go on anti-depressants. Get out of your house, just go get some coffee and sit in your car and listen to some tunes. It's going to hurt no matter what you do at first, but your mind will clear little by little the less present she is in your life and the longer that continues.

ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello jjct and all my friends here.
Closing on my house in Sept..
Still in same house with the ex slut. She is at her boiling point to get me out of the house early, (buying me out), but, and here is the latest problem solely created by her.
She is refinancing, but cannot meet the divorce decree deadline of Sept. 4th, but her Daddy gave her the money to buy me out.
So, she thinks I will take the check and leave, but can't do that since my name is still on the present mortgage, ie. she has to refinance, then drop my name from the mortgage, then I will take the check, sign the deed over and leave. In that order or else, I'm still liable for the mortgage payment.
She was soooo pissed last night! Too F-in bad.
Why is it these WWsluts think we have to solve their asshole problems. Oh, speaking of assholes, looks like the cop/boyfriend dumped her or put a time line on staying with her.
Doesn't matter to me anymore, I don't think about either of them to much, except when she still tries to push my buttons.
Good thing God invented the small, pocket recorder!
I also have my divorce attorney's cell number for emergency distress calls, lol.
Just seeing the slut so angry is just reward for all the shit I've endured all these months and a lot of you in here know my story.
Keep you posted.
Hey Medic! Keep your hand on the trigger, but please make sure the safety is on! Don't destroy your life for such a small amount of satisfaction.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Its Better Now?
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Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me try this again. ( my first attempt at a reply just froze the old desk top)
Gentlemen, I always lurk and follow these "revenge" threads with great interest, and after the tone has calmed down just a bit, I will stick my 2 cents worth in. Then I will fade back into lurkland.
I infact did take physical revenge. DON'T TREAD ON ME: I can tell you exactly what it feels like to stomp the teeth out of OM's unconsciuos face while he stares blankly up from the ground. I can then tell you what it felt like to fall on him and "Ground and Pound" him until I opened his skull up, knocked one eye completely out of socket and punched and elbowed what teeth he had left through what was left of both lips.
Sounds like something you want to do to OM right? Your thinking HELL YES right?
Gentlemen I can tell you without hesitation; HELL NO YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! It is in NO WAY worth what you get out of it.
Let me tell you what that moment of instant gratification has cost me in real world dollars, standing in my profession, and the cold hard facts about people who have never been betrayed.
First: I now have a felony assault arrest ( not conviction ) on my criminal record due to the fact that I clearly was trying to kill a person who could not defend himself (so said the 43rd District Court judge at my arraignment). Because OM is also my brother, I also have assault/family violence on that same record. On this charge I'm doing the probation thing now right along side the druggies, whores, pimps, wife beaters and drunk drivers. I never had more than a Minor In Possession charge before my manly get even event, now I'm one of those people you laugh at picking up trash on the side of the highway every other Saturday as part of my community service payoff (500 hours ).

Sounds good right? BUT WAIT, there's much more! Rather you get convicted, probated, jailed, or whatever there is the bail bondsman's fee ( 20% cash up front of total bail ), your lawyer's fee ( in my state you must have a trial litigator for felony charges ) $1600.00 retainer up front. Due to just being charged my Professional Insurance Bonding was dropped, ( $10,000.00 out of pocket and almost unobtainable requirements to resume coverage ).

Now for the medical bills. To stay out of prison I struck a deal with OM's attorney's to pay all his reconstructive surgery bills, reimbursment for his lost time at work, and any and all pain medications related to my manly revenge from now until his death.

Also; I was removed from all positions of authority in both my profession and commnity (read: management and school board ) because I have 'violent tendencies". My/our friends/family now act as if I ( not OM, not WW ) am some sort of freakish violent monster.

I think you get the picture Gentlemen. To date, $42,428.00 total to fix what?? To make what feel better? To make what right to me? To make amends to whom? She still su*ked his co@k, she still fu*ked him and she still lied to me for years and years. I still will never, ever trust her again. We are still struggling through R everyday.

That's revenge Gentlemen. That's what you've not gotten out of OM/WW. That's what you've missed.

I ask you fellows, exactly who won after all??

Sorry So Long.

OK; It's Brass Tacks Time

Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Lost and Wondering
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Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its Better Now?, I just wanted to say thank you for posting. Lots of food for thought.

After the past week or so of thinking I've decided to settle on having fantasies instead of making irreversible realities.

Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
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Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I walked pasted MOM the other day at the supermarket. I held my head high & looked straight ahead - MOM looked down, away & scurried away like the rat he is. I am the master of my destiny & it feels good.

MPB - stay strong Bro.

Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 16th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm...judging from the posts in general I may be in the minority here. My WW has been involved with MOM throughout our entire M and even several years before met. She even IM'd him when I was sitting across from her and I have no idea how many times this occurred. Yet, I can barely feel a ripple of animosity towards him.
This guy is a useless piece of crap to me and I would not consider wasting one second more than necessary of my thoughts on him. My problem is solely with her.

Ice-T (yes, I'm actually quoting him) said it best...
"You'd have to spread my whole body under a microscope to find one molecule that gives a shit!"

My caveat to this is that I never met him, don't know him and he never gave me any attitude. That probably makes a difference, but I can't say for sure.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 3365 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, August 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have something positive to add to this discussion.

In my case, while trying to out OM to his BW, he took the phone from her and started shouting at me.

He told me that he was going to report me for harrasment (go ahead - your the one with shit to hide, not me)

He outed himself while his BW listened on.

And then he told me and my whore wife to leave him alone. That hurt, but after thinking about a while I came to a realization.

He is shit squirting scared.

He's an advertising VP. Big bucks to loose if his boss learns he's been sexting on company time.

In my line of work, I could screw his life up in so many legal, ethical ways it isn't even funny and he knows it. But I won't. I value my integrity more than his misery.

Physical revenge was never an option. His fear keeps me warm at night.

BH(me)-47, FWW-41,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.

Posts: 577 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
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