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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPD:

shit man, im sorry.
sometimes the assholes win, especially when those assholes have vaginas.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fucking A, mpb. Can you contest the alimony through another judge? If she's financially solvent then you shouldn't be paying jack shit.

That sucks man.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This woman destroyed my life.

I know if feels like that but she didn't. She really didn't. She destroyed you M, not you.

Here's a few things I did which I neither suggest or condone.

I got hammered and stayed out all night.

I went for walks/runs after the kids went to bed for hours, for weeks on end.

I laid out months of calendars and just filled it up with studying, soccer, work, going out with friends or taking up yoga.


I build a soccer field and goals in our local park.

I started a pick up soccer game one night a week for my kids for 2 hours. Its awesome and my boys love it.

I cared less about my W. Why shouldn't I. Don't confuse that with no caring, just less.

I decided I was willing to walk away.

All of this focus on marriage, MC, self-help, IC, processing the trauma, getting over it, getting through it, digging up shit...it stops being healthy after awhile. We weren't built to obsess...especially when we weren't the source of the fucking blowout in the first place.

I'm not against IC or MC or whatever people think helps. But what I have done is told my W that this is not on me. I am giving her time to figure out her shit, but until then I am doing my thing. She can spend all day stressing about it. I don't. I took my mind back through focusing on my moments and my life.

WAL is right, start living YOUR life. You are the only one who can. If your W is worth a shit, she will clean her act up and not leave you. If she doesn't you have your answer.

I love my W. I still do. She royally pissed me off and shit all over our M and family. She needs to fix that now. She is and I am happy about that. Just the other night I told her I would stop talking about D. Not because she needed it, but be I actually have stopped thinking about D much. My life is better right now with her in it - bottom line.

WAL - you got me all worked up. Nice job.

take care fella's.

[This message edited by wert at 3:20 PM, July 13th (Friday)]



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW!!! all this in just a day??!!!

First off:

MPB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

man, fuck them and their fucking system, hang in there. Your sons will be SO proud of you some day. And we all truly are. I wish/pray things get better and your tomorrows are fucking awesome. Sharia and its stoning laws sometimes seem so very tempting. Go get your toys and take good care of yourself.

JJ... wow, just wow. Gotta get here:

finally finding wonderful silence on the other side, on the inside. I like it here, within.

Had I any tears left, this would be what I'd shed them for. Thank you.

DD, thank you for that. I had never read it before. I relate so much to it. Though what WAL added should be read in conjunction. There shouldn't be one 'right' way/timeframe.

DTOM}}} dude, just hand in there. My ww was no where near losts efforts at 5 months out. She is still taking (what I feel are) baby steps at 2 years. At 5 months out, I didnt even know whether I was coming or going; definitely not a good time to start making decisions unless you're a 100% sure. There is no pressure and no shame in your stitch, heck, (no disrespect) she aint out banging someone right now. Take WALs words and read them daily if you have to.

You do what makes you feel good. You do whatever it takes to heal. You blunder around and figure out what those those things are.

Blunder away, dont be too harsh on yourself.

WAL, I love you man. Keep posting. You're fucking Qui-gon.

All of this focus on marriage, MC, self-help, IC, processing the trauma, getting over it, getting through it, digging up shit...it stops being healthy after awhile. We weren't built to obsess

Right on, I feel so fucking innocent and clueless about my pre-DDays (not that I was entirely) but I had NO IDEA what was an EA, PA, OEA, ONS, WS, BS, WW, FWS, NPD, BPD, CA, EU and the other endless acronyms and pathologies we're subjected to. I didnt have to obsess about every fucking word I said or move I made. I.just.was. If there was a problem, I'd want to fix it. If there was a goal, I'd want to reach it. I'm not knocking having to learn all this shit to make me better/healed. But I can't do this endlessly either. DETACH was the single most important thing I learned in these 2 years and believe you me, I HAVE obsessed like crazy.

Great posts BM}}}}}}}}}} MPB}}} I'm so sorry man. DTOM,TRED&64}}}} I guess you're my 'class of'.

Why doesnt 1kick post out here? I feel we're missing out on his sage advice (getting greedy)

Ok, I'll stop saying 'fucking' now... (fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck)


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are 3 things that I really want in life (ok maybe it's 6).

1. For my children to live long, happy, healthy lives.

2. To own one of these

http://imt.boatwizard.com/images/1/15/65/3531565_0_290320111657_1.jpg

with either one of these on it

http://myfishingcapecod.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/giant-tuna-5.jpg

http://media.egotvonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Sof%C3%ADa+Vergara.jpg

3. To be as cool and beloved as jjct, or to be as thoughtful and good at giving advice as WAL.

Follow WAL's advice DTOM. Go find yourself and get away from all of the toxic shit that your wife has handed you. Be true to yourself. That's how you survive this shitstorm.

You have more important things to do than think about why she fucked someone else in ways she wouldn't with you. You have more important things to think about than whether or not you should divorce her. Find you. It's one of the only rewarding aspects of this whole mess.

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 6:49 PM, July 13th (Friday)]


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys....I posted this message in the JFO forum, but I thought I'd post it here to for the fellas.

So I found out recently that WW has been emailing / sexting OM #1 again, with possible plans for a meet-up (I think she suspects I know, but we haven't had it out yet).
Rather than hitting the roof and getting upset this time, the strangest thing has happened. I feel a sense of calm and peace about this relationship that I've never had before. I think what has happened is I've completely, 100% detached from her.

When this does come to light (and I don't know when that will be - we have a family vacation next week that I have to be "on" for), I can just easily lay it before her - "There's nothing left of my feelings for you. Nothing. We can stay together in a marriage of convenience and maybe things will come back, or we can get divorced. Either way is cool with me."

I know some of you may not understand or disagree with that stance, but that's where it is right now. One reason I've hung on this long is for financial reasons and for the comfort of our kids, but. in the end, I can look myself in the mirror and honestly say I tried as hard as I could.

I remember one fellow in the "ICR" forum in a WW thread (my note: that's LostCause111. Thanks buddy!) basically spelled out why he's still married: he can see his kids everyday, protect them from his crazy WW (mine's bi-polar, by the way) and live life on his own terms within the marriage. As I mentioned, that's fine with me, or it's fine if we divorce now. It would suck in lots of ways, don't get me wrong, but I know in the end it would work out.

It's just odd that one more revelation has been more of a relief to me than anything else. When I think back on the doormat that I was back when this all started in 09 (what's the opposite of a 180? A 360? ) and where I am now, it's pretty incredible.

Bring it on. Whatever happens, happens. Either way, I'm going to be fine.

Well, we're back from vacay, and our 12th anniversary is tomorrow , so I won't confront until next week.

Actually, she may be planning her meet-up this weekend under the guise of visiting her Dad and grandmother (a possibility I saw in an email to OM#1 a month or so ago), so I may wait until Monday week.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 14th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Cannon, It's good to see you calm & at peace.
I think of it as the brain finally completing the journey to the heart.
Also, elements of
- surprised? Not.
- certainty she really is broken
Either way, it's good.

MPB))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Your sitch had me reading on legal abuse, and following links around for hours! Just. Dam.
I learned new mnemonics
mgtow - men going their own way...whole communities, men's rights, no fault history, the whole schlocking lot of it...
I am so sorry. You are a good stronger man, and I pray you reap the rewards of your character.
They. Will. Be. Huge.

I deeply appreciate the kind things you guys are saying!
It's nice not to be known. lol!

Funny, after reading those places this morning, I read WAL's post - excellent!
What strikes me is it's about really knowing ourselves -on a WAY deeper level than 'before'(tm/made me laff)).
Knowing things about our hard-wired natures gives us power to control ourselves...to wait for it!...
actually find our own unique being independent of others
(especially "woman").
In short, go on, make your own acquaintance. Love yourself for once, willya?

Just say NO!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DontTreadOnMe
♂ Member
Member # 35240
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you gentlemen for your responses. To know that my feelings of uncertainty are normal is a bit reassuring.

I feel added pressure to make a decision because we have to move within the next couple months. (Our landlord wants to move back into her condo)

But I told Lost that we could get a place together if it was in her name and that I could leave if I decided to D.

What I've realized recently:

1) I still love Lost
2) I hate Lost (sometimes)
3) Lost is working on herself, and it gives me hope
4) She had a very fucked up view of sex and intimacy that was never shared with me, and blew up with her A.
5) I do not need Lost (or any woman) to make me happy and feel whole
6) I am still really fucking pissed
7) Deep down, Lost is a good person
8) I am doing too much self-loathing
9) My obsessing over OM has decreased at least 75-80%
10) I can show mercy (OM is still alive, after all)
11) I need to get back into IC (appt on Thur.)
12) We need to get back into MC
13) I need to attempt to stop raging at Lost
14) I love myself
15) Fuck you everyone else and what they think


Me: WH/BH, 27 (addict in recovery)
Her: Lost333, BW/FWW, My DDay: 2/19/12, Hers: 9/29/12

Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great list DTOM


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great list DTOM, especially #15


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is awesome DTOM

This helps me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ2HcRl4wSk

Hopefully it will you too

[This message edited by hardlessons at 5:20 PM, July 16th (Monday)]


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 842 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good list DTOM.

I need to attempt to stop raging at Lost

That one was hard for me, however I found when I stopped do that I stopped obsessing. They went hand in hand.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
Medic17
♂ Member
Member # 12832
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Betrayed men's threads were not here 6 years ago so i didnt have the chance to benefit from them.WW is up to her old tricks again EA confirmed PA who knows. I have PTSD from 6 years ago.Now that the shock is over...and i'm just numb. I have nothing but pure unadulterated rage. At this very momemt I could drop a trigger on the OM ,leaving him dead in the street and not think a thing about it


Piece of mind is slowly becoming a 4" grouping at 600 yards

Posts: 381 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: NC
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Medic17 Ė I get it. I donít think you need to feel anything if OM were dead. Iím sorry this shit went this way for you. Hang on to you. That is why OM is not dead at your hands Ė you have a life ahead of you. With the PTSD and the pain you are dealing with it may be hard to see, but there is a good life ahead for you. The piece of shit OM is not worth your life.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
Cannon
♂ Member
Member # 32440
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy Moly....what an awful night.

So, after WW told me she wasn't taking her trip this weekend, I decided to go ahead and confront while the kids were at a movie with their grandmother.

I brought it up by saying "I know you've started things up again with OM#1" which she didn't try to deny, and I quickly confirmed my suspicions that their EA was actually twice a PA - this before we even attempted a first separation (in 2010)

After that, it was the typical pattern for these confrontations with her. Usually she begins with calm and MAJOR blameshifting / justifications. Then a long period of silent passive / aggressive behavior )slamming things, stomping around the house). Then after the kids were in bed, she begins angrily verbally attacking me.

Things got pretty ugly late. At one point I was in her face and called her a "f-ing whore" more than once.

Then, she laid the coup de grace on me. She said "I had orgasms with both the guys and I NEVER have with you. They are twice your size; you're so damn small".

I know I made a big deal on an earlier post about how I'm over stuff and can't be phased any more...but I was wrong. It. Slew. Me.

SHe must have seen it on my face. I just collapsed on the couch and said, "Wow. You win. I'm going to bed"

She came down a few minutes later and was crying and began immediately apologizing. I was (am) still in shock. I told her she pretty much used the nuclear option.

She then begged me to come sleep in our bed, so I did (I was completely dazed). She kept crying and apologizing over and over and tried to cuddle and all I could do was lay there staring at the ceiling.

This morning (after very little sleep), she entered the other part of this pattern when I confront her - remorse and depression. She said she doesn't want a divorce, and she's been crying all morning, barely able to move or talk.

I'm spent, guys. Just freaking spent.


Me - BH, 41
Her - Bi-polar WW, 41

Status: Divorced and relieved


Posts: 127 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: .
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What she said was pretty damn harsh. No one should ever hear something like that from the woman they love.

she entered the other part of this pattern when I confront her

What are you going to do to break this pattern?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35395 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What she said was pretty damn harsh

Also pretty immature IMO. Just as she is responsible for her own happiness, she is also responsible for her own orgasm. Mostly between the ears KWIM? Pretty fucked up way to hit you during an argument.

I agree with wifehad5 Ė what are you doing to break this pattern? I donít think anything changes until the pattern is broken.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2011
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's really crazy, hurtful behavior Cannon. I'd get the fuck away from her if I were you. I know you said that you're fine either way but it's obvious that isn't true.

She feels like shit about herself, is still blaming you, and now wants to rub it in your face to make you feel like less of a man. Let her have her big dicks and orgasms, you have your integrity and self-respect.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn Cannon. I know you are hurting bad right now, but you should do yourself a favor. Re-read your post and ask yourself what advice you would give that guy. Then listen to it.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannon - ouch. Not the big comment either I mean the pattern of behavior your W has.


I understand that you are hurting. I am sure it is very hard to see yourself as strong right now, but I would say you have more power over your situation than you think. You can control what you do and say.

This is going to sound brutal but if she said she doesn't want a divorce I would test that statement. Start living your life for you, now. Not tonight or tomorrow. Right now. When I was in the situation of having an un-remorseful, foggy W, I got myself ready to leave. Made my decisions. That helped me feel strong again.

Make a list of things you want to do over the next month and do them. Make a list of things for her that she needs to do to stay M'd to you and see if she does them. Visit and attorney. Be prepared for the consequences.

I have said this before - when WW are in the fog they can't be "loved" back to reality. Drop it like it's hard.

take care....



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