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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
bluecali
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Member # 35135
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL - thanks for the arsenic thing. Nicely done.

DTOM - it's hellish, when that person who used to be a source of joy becomes a source of something very negative. I feel for you. Me, I'm sleeping so much better now that she's gone.


Me-BH
DDAY 12/1/11
Separated and uncertain

Posts: 398 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Elm Street
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing as we've reached the "Terrible Poetry Written in the Wake of D-Day"[1] portion of our program,

Hey man, I'll have you know my poetry is so awesome that it was put into a collection and I was able to buy a copy for a small fee of my firstborn child and a kidney....


Since you mentioned Emily Dickinson, I can't resist:

eta:

Before that comic I was unaware you could put any ballad to the tune of Gilligan's Island.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:26 AM, July 11th (Wednesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had room for a bed in the garage...

I got the room, only need some A/C out there...my son thought I needed an A/C unit for father's day...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a great comic.

Does anyone ever actually finish the GTA games, or do they (like me) half-ass missions for about two hours, then put in the cheat codes to get the super weapons, then just run around shooting civilians, crashing cars and evading the cops?


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emily Dickinson? i have her diaries. maybe everything I've written will once
just once
rise to her genius.
Mozart wrote his works just once - once. think of that, without any corrections.

I was once an apple carrier
out in the open silent fields in the days of our fathers,
long and long ago,

and i heard Mozart in the town's amphitheater. It was in the 1700's./ when all was quiet and still.
It moved me beyond belief.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, July 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did finish 2 of the GTA games. Vice city and chinatown. Took lots of perseverance. All the others, you usually reach a mission which is impossible to complete unless youre an uber gamer with the reflexes of a ninja and put in the time it would take for you to become a brain surgeon.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never actually played the GTA games after the first one. Didn't even really play that one much. Carmageddon had me all glutted out on the ultraviolent car games by then.

and i heard Mozart in the town's amphitheater. It was in the 1700's./ when all was quiet and still.

Damn jj, you ain't that old!

[This message edited by StillGoing at 9:32 AM, July 12th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 12th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I threw a pen down from a sore hand one night, writing notes, Mozart just HIT ME.

It transported me to the place of quiet, understanding, envelopment really...

Allatonce the 1700's world was quiet. Except for that sound.

I felt like I was witnessing the world's creation. It,

changed me.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mozart needs a time out

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Though I think about it - there was no electricity, machinery, car noise, trains...nothing but the lowing of cattle and the rustle of leaves. What was that quiet world like? And then, to sit in the town's little grassy amphitheater and hear this for the first time?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikQNFqVkNNc

I think we are hardened, calloused, by the constant input. It was an eargasm.

And this was like being witness to the world's creation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMJPZ-mu-Ts

The scales fell from my eyes, my ears, my heart. Thank you stbx!
You forced me to find some place to heal, to survive - since you contributed nothing to that.

I had to keep going, moving through all the trauma and drama...finally finding wonderful silence on the other side, on the inside. I like it here, within.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mypoorboys
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Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!
Where do I begin, or should I say, 'end'!
Yes, divorced June 22nd, but got slam dunked by the judge!
Then I realized that sometimes life is just one big scam.
The judge, the ex slut, the politically connected ex father-in-law.
How do you fight a scam!
You try your best to walk away with dignity.
Yes, thanks dday for asking where I have been. I'll tell you. Trying to climb back up out of that hole that I dug for myself when I made that decision in 2001 to sign on the dotted line!
No, didn't use arsenic, a baseball bat or anything that remotely resembles revenge. Well, does intense internal anger qualify! Nah.
So, I fought the, 'good fight'! With honesty, integrity, restraint and above all, my life savings and now my retirement funds.
But, it didn't matter. You see, the system, (at least in NJ), is broken. The laws gone away, the morals abandoned and people led astray. Ouch, that sounded like poetry!
You guys are all great, everyone of you been blessed me with your inspiring words and support.
I have to tell everyone they are definately correct when they have stated, (over and over again), how important it is to first, take care of yourself, then work on the anger.
So, let me explain the outcome, even knowing I lost from the start. The ex even told me last Feb. 2011, when I laughed at the buyout offer on the property. She said, 'if this goes to trial, you WILL lose everything'. She knew that her Daddy would take care of her.
Now, it's all too clear the reason why she, her lawyer and her Father acted in court like they were completely indifferent, sometimes obnoxious. Lying, contradicting and laughing in the hallway outside the court room.
Also, now I know why the judge told my lawyer following the first of 4 court dates, that I fell asleep during the trial. WTF!
My lawyer told me that and I was baffled, but quickly reminded my counsel that her Father has multi-billionaire clients, the likes of which make Donald Trump look like a hot dog vendor, (no offense).
Actually, one of his clients' sons married Evanka Trumps' daughter a few years ago. Another owns a NFL team.
So, I lost! Just about everything. The judge did not even have the courtesy to read the oral decision in court before us. He mailed it out. She got hers via email, while vacationing with my kids. I had to repeatedly call my lawyer and finally they sent a messenger to pick the divorce decree and pdf it to me. Shocked, stomach turned and knew immediately that it was all for naught.
Detail? should I bother? Well, just for you novices out there, (especially in NJ, or any other no fault, corrupt state), I will.
She gets alimony for 3 years, $1000 a month, child support $600 a month, (mind you, she is a licensed DVM, works part time),(set me up with that switch from full time after the second child was born).
The judge gave her first option to buy me out with a 10% reduction for a, 'fast sale'.
I have to maintain my term life insurance policy for ever. (she insisted I get one back in 2010, another ploy on her part), AND name her as executor. She now has to get a policy in the same amount, but that will cost her a bunch less per year, ie. 22 years my junior.
I get the kids 1/3 the time, (asked for 50% joint, legal custody). So, that works out to be just slightly above minimal custody.
I have to pay the health insurance for the kids until I retire, then she takes over. My health insurance premium is set to double in 2013, then go up another 1/3 in 2014. Thank you NJ legislature!
She told me on the 4th of July, she will exercise her option to buy me out. Now she has 60 days from the 4th to hand a check over to me.
She gets first choice of the household belongings, and get this one, (you'll like this),
Alimony and child support start immediately, garnished from my pay check, (ie. July), and! while cohabitating, I still have to pay 55% of the household bills; mortgage,utilities, taxes, babysitting fees, camp fees, etc.. So, I really can't afford to leave the house until I get the check.
We spoke amicably about that. You see, the judge also stipulated that custody visitation will start as soon as we are not living together.
So, we spoke, I told her I cannot afford to rent a proper abode for the boys and I with what little is left from my pay check.
We agreed to be amicable and I respectfully asked her not to bring the boyfriend into the house while I was there with or without the boys. She agreed, but now already has indicated that she will alternate weekends, where she will be gone, then the next weekend me be gone! Where the hell do you think I will go?
Girlfriends', don't have one.
So, I will be home with the boys. At least that is a positive.
Finally, some may know the story involving my ex father in law and his fallacious lawsuit filed against her and I claiming monies due his company for construction on our home, now 4 years old.
The lawsuit miraculously appeared just after she filed for divorce.
The Judge, (this is another good one), decreed that we both set aside $37,500 in an escrow account in lieu of the outcome of her Father's lawsuit against us. Huh!, I asked my lawyer, 'is that even legal'? He had nothing to say other than he was appalled at the judge's comments regarding my lack of parenting and the custody decision.
Of course I can contest/appeal most of these issues, $$$$. The bottom line guys and girls, (It's all a big club!), and the lawyers, politically appointed judges, party together, golf together. Hell most of the judges are themselves divorced, and some are not even qualified to sit on the bench, (not my comment, one from my close friend who worked in family court for 7 years as a sheriff's officer). He told me that many judges sit there and doodle, and the outcomes are determined via advice obtained from the judge's law clerks and by listening to the testimony on tape.
Bottom line again, well I know that I got shafted, probably by the ex's Father.
The only win for me is that I receive a check, hopefully soon. Already started looking for homes in the area.
Noescape, dday, jjct WAL, you all are correct, the pain has somewhat gone away, the anger lingers and the despair haunts me sometimes in dreams/nightmares.
My 8 year old has started child therapy, my 4 year old has separation anxiety.
There is so much damage.
Her, look at it from her perspective, my GOD!. She gets the house, a raise via the alimony/child support. Indicated she is refinancing the loan and for those who know my story, (she now has sole right to pursue the $700,000 farmland preservation monies). The judge denied my request to buy her out with those funds. He said it would be unfair to her for her to wait one year to get the money from time of application to the township).
I have to move on. The legal bills continue to mount. I know, this is maybe worse case scenario and many of you, hopefully, will not have the same results. I pray you do not, but I really do think that the system is broken, all the laws passed to prevent and correct for gender neutrality in divorce are bogus. The guy, no matter what the circumstance short of alcoholism/drug abuse, whatever, just loses plain and simple.
My 4 year old will be in full time Kindergarden in 15 months, yet the judge gives her 3 years alimony.
I wanted to retire in September 2012, judge even made sure that I could make that decision but that would not change the alimony or child support, even though he knows I have fought cancer and continue to pray that it does not return.
What does it all mean!
To me, I only see it as a big mistake made in 2001, when I thought I married the ideal, perfect mate, who, just happens to like sex with other men, (2003 when she started with the cop).
So, my story is near it's end, but not over.
Divorce is not an end or a beginning. Nothing to celebrate or conclude. Nothing but another signature on a different set of rules, not God's rules, but a false God human in a robe.
Like jjct and others, I will rebuild, reorganize, not commit, and buy some new toys!
God Bless all my friends on SI.
MBPs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
dday3302011
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Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF??!!

I'm so sorry MPB. I don't really know what to say other than I'm sorry for your loss.

The judge denied my request to buy her out with those funds. He said it would be unfair to her for her to wait one year to get the money from time of application to the township).

I'm so glad the judge decided to do something "fair". What a fucking scumbag. Sounds like he's in a "fog" of his own. Bathed in self-righteousness, disregard for reality, and hubris. "Oh, it'll ruin this guys financial life forever? Doesn't concern me, I want to make sure I'm being "fair" to his cum-guzzling, whore of a wife, who's also managed to start dragging her two sons down into her world of shit and lies. Gotta make sure we're being "fair" to her"

Unreal.

What kind of world do we live in where decisions as important as these are left in the inept hands of assholes like this judge? I live in Massachusetts, much like New Jersey, one of the most corrupt and toxic judiciaries in the U.S. I know a few judges. All former hack lawyers who sucked the right political cocks to get appointed judgeships to save their floundering law "careers".

This makes me sick to my stomach MPB. You've been swimming in a river of shit for years, now they're trying to clean you off by asking you to jump in the cesspool.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
dday3302011
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Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re-posting this from Traildad. Seems appropriate.

FEAR

If I had to summarize these last 6 months since DDay in one word, that would be it - FEAR.

I see now that FEAR drove every thought, every decision, every action or non-action, everything.

Fear can lead us down the wrong path - fear of being hurt can lead us to ignore the truth, fear of being alone can lead us to accept limbo, where we are not alone physically, but mentally we long to love someone that truly loves us back, fear of our financial situation leads us to hesitate, fear of the unknown leads us to accept compromises that we know deep down we can't live with, fear of being judged leads us to keep it all inside, building pressure like a volcano, fear of not having done enough to save our M leads us to doubt ourselves, fear of losing all those years of memories keeps us hanging on just a little longer.

Fear led me to hurt for months longer than I had to, fear led me to make myself sick worrying about things I could never control.

Don't be afraid, I am no longer afraid. When I saw my WW lying straight to my face again tonight, I saw fear. I didn't feel fear, I saw it, all over her face. She is afraid, afraid of being judged, afraid of living with guilt, afraid to face the consequences for her actions. But she is also afraid to turn back, to admit, repent and work to make it right. That scares her more, so she has decided no to try, not to give up OM for a chance to save our M and family.

She has fear, I no longer fear. I am moving forward a better man than I was before. I have learned, I have hurt, I have grieved, I have let fear keep me unhappy for far too long.

I am 32 years old, but until this point I have felt like a teenager in a man's body, living life the way I was "supposed" to, college, job, marriage, house, kids...never really standing up or believing in anything, not feeling any real purpose. I have always based my happiness on others happiness, or my outward appearance of happiness. I based my worth on my kids' grades or my wife's smile. I seemed to have it all, but it was just a shell. There was no foundation, just some rickety stilts holding up a pretty facade. My kids didn't respect me, and neither did my wife. A funny thing happened this past month since starting the 180 and living for ME, my kids have shown more respect and motivation than they have in their entire lives.

A real man finds his purpose and lives it. I have learned that making my wife and kids the center of my life didn't do myself or them any favors, and staying in a M without love wouldn't either. Kids want a man that inspires them, that they look up to, that they can strive to be like. Women want a man with passion, that believes in something and stands up for it, not one that just follows her around trying to please her so she'll have sex with him. A strong man doesn't have to be big and outdoorsy, he just has to be real and genuine, a rock, not silly putty.

I have always had a nagging feeling that I wasn't really living for a purpose, I was just letting life go by. Well I have changed all of that, and I look toward the future with more hope than I have had since I was a teenager.

For all of you BH out there, the men on here in the JFO forum are tough, but they are right. They are pushing you to be a man and take control of your life. Their advice ultimately saved mine, I will always owe them a great deal of gratitude. It took me a month to really take their advice, but I wish I would have sooner, because they were dead on. If you are a BH and find yourself here, be a man and take control. If your WW doesn't follow, so be it, you'll be a better man going forward.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
DontTreadOnMe
♂ Member
Member # 35240
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dday:
If you are a BH and find yourself here, be a man and take control. If your WW doesn't follow, so be it, you'll be a better man going forward.

What is my ww is following, but I am not sure that I can stay in the M? I'm 5 months out and my anger, disgust, grief, sadness, are all still weighing heavy on my heart. I just don't know if I can ever get over her A. She's finally being a respectable wife, but I don't really want her. At least not a tiny fraction of what I used to. I cringe when I walk in the door and I cringe some more when I see her. Some say it is too early to decide to D. But I'm not so sure. This woman destroyed my life. Why should she get another opportunity to do it again?

I just feel so stuck. So alone. So desperate. I don't know if I can continue living with her anymore. She offered to go stay at her parents for a couple months. That might be a good idea. But then I'd be afraid that she'd be fucking another POS behind my back.

God help me. This fucking SUCKS!


Me: WH/BH, 27 (addict in recovery)
Her: Lost333, BW/FWW, My DDay: 2/19/12, Hers: 9/29/12

Working on myself through IC, NA meetings, intensive outpatient program, and lots of digging. Praying for R.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
hardlessons
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Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you feel the same because you haven't done anything to feel any different? While lost did this to you. You are still the only one who can repair you and you seem to wanna sit in the shit, so life will stink.

I had to come to that decision too

[This message edited by hardlessons at 1:40 PM, July 13th (Friday)]


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTOM, it might be a good idea to S for a while.
This shit sandwich sucks either way, as a man you will get eviscerated by some judge like MPB or you have to live with the same WW.

That's pretty much the choice-leave everything you have + your kids, or stay and see your kids grow up, but put up w/a fWW.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
dday3302011
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Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTOM, the post was written by a member here, Traildad, who was being strung along and abused by an unremorseful WW.

The fact that the sight or thought of her disgusts you is normal and totally understandable.

At times last year, I'd come home from work, pissed off, not wanting to see her because the pain was always with me. She'd say something like "I was hoping you'd call me back after I left you a message this morning", I'd fire back, "Oh yeah, I bet that makes you really sad, why don't go call your fucking boyfriend and tell him what a douche I am and how wonderful and thoughtful he is. Maybe you can fly out there this weekend and suck his cock again. I'll tell the kids you're 'finding your hapiness' when they ask where you are".

I wanted to divorce her many times. I told her that many times. I left for several weeks back in September. Mostly I was angry with myself. I felt like I was betraying myself. Staying with someone who hurt me so badly. Choosing to live with the uncertainty and danger inherent in people like her. Why the fuck should I?

For me those answers have come slowly (read some of my earlier posts here) but they are coming.

1. I love her and I want us to have a happy, healthy family

2. She's fundamentally a very good person who did something so horrendous that she doesn't recognize who she became and how she could have done those things.

3. I like my life with her the way she is now. She's worked her ass off to stop all of the suppression, confict-avoidance, and passivity that led her to the point of having an affair rather than come to me with her needs.

I don't think there's a time frame for anyone on making a decision about divorce. If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. Fuck what other people say. I think what people are trying to convey is that making decisions as big as the one to get a divorce, isn't the smartest thing to do when you're still as angry as you are.

If I were you, the question I'd ask myself in relation to getting divorced would be "Is there any possible way I'll regret this decision in the future and wish I hadn't made it?"

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 1:50 PM, July 13th (Friday)]


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were you, the question I'd ask myself in relation to getting divorced would be "Is there any possible way I'll regret this decision in the future and wish I hadn't made it?"

Boy is that true-my first thought was D. My WW was an alcoholic who had begun driving drunk w/my kids(i actually had my MIL start calling me when she was drinking so I could come pick them up) and if I had D'd immediately my kids would prolly been killed in an accident-she would have had custody & cont'd to drink herself stupid.
Today she is 4+ yrs sober, a much better mother than ever before. I see my kids daily. Its not about me, its about the kids. This is best for THEM.
yeah, I didn't marry a perfect soulmate/partner/whatever, but I do have great kids.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Five months out is early in the process, DTOM. Your feelings of disgust are normal. Wondering if it was a deal breaker is normal.

I didn't feel committed to the idea of R for almost 3 full years -- up to that point, I was just staying.

You don't have to decide on anything until not deciding becomes intolerable. My personal opinion is that in the wake of infidelity, whether you decide 10 days or 10 years after the infidelity comes to light, it can be a deal breaker. You don't have to rush into a decision. You don't have to rush into doing "marriage" things and propping up some role you feel like you have to fill.

You do what makes you feel good. You do whatever it takes to heal. You blunder around and figure out what those those things are. (None of us knew what we needed in the beginning. You learn by trying a bunch of different things and figuring out what works for you.)

In fact, I'd strongly encourage you *not* to force yourself to jump back into the role of supportive husband and life mate right away. You've played that game, made concessions, surrendered pieces of yourself in service to the idea of marriage...and it, you know, didn't really pay off.

Now you've got a golden opportunity to re-set the table, renegotiate the terms of what it means to be in a relationship with you, explore the things that make you happy as an individual (rather than within the constraints of being a husband), and take a stab at creating the sort of life you want to live.

You know how to have a happy life? Do things that make you happy. The people I know who are the happiest are those who have enough going on in their lives and with their interests/hobbies that their marriage is not the end-all, be-all of their lives. Their marriage is the cherry on top of an otherwise fulfilling life.

I've come to the conclusion that marriage should be that. It's the garnish on the meal of your otherwise fulfilling life. It's not your sole reason for being.

One of the reasons infidelity sucks so much (especially for men) is that it blows up the relationship to somewhere between 90-95% of our attention span. I don't know about you, but I never wanted to think about my relationships or be filtering my experience of life through the lens of my relationships 90-95% of the time. I didn't ever want to read fucking relationship books. I didn't want to join websites for dealing with relationship trauma. Gary Chapman can take his Love Languages and shove them up his ass (though, you know, it is a pretty awesome book.)

I was miserable as long as I let "dealing with the relationship" dominate my consciousness. Then I stopped. I shoved it way down my list of priorities and went back to the business of living my life. I didn't think about my wife when I was at work...and only dealt with her at home when I absolutely felt like it. I took some grad school classes, wrote some novels, quit smoking, started smoking again, hung out with co-workers, stayed up too late, got up too early, went to weddings by myself...I lived. And I was 100% aware the entire time that I was testing out the attractiveness of living a single life without having my kids around all the time. That was all information that I filtered through my daily desire stop by the divorce lawyer's office on the way home.

(I won't kid you here: I very much treated my wife as a safety net. She could have justifiably walked away from my chilly indifference at any point and nobody but me would have blamed her. Living your own life and changing the terms of the marriage deal -- even when your WW has already blown it up by...well, blowing other dudes -- is a deal breaker for some WW's. They expect you to jump back into the R, only doing it better and more attentively this time. I'm of the opinion that chicks with that "we'll bond over fixing all the things I see wrong with the marriage" mindset can, in fact, go suck it...and probably should go suck it, because they're not bringing much to the table relationship-wise that isn't already a role that was occupied by my mom until I was 17. You usually can tell this sort of twat because she spouts a bunch of "love me like I am" shit while she's sending you the message that she'll love you like she wants you to be when you start working on all the shit she thinks is wrong with you. In which case, you're better off in the long run if she bails anyway.

tl;dr conclusion: LIVE YOUR LIFE. No one else is going to do it, and anyone who isn't a stupid bitch will either love you because of it or walk away all butt-hurt because you won't be the Brad Pitt of her dreams.)

Long story short, I think that too many men have bought into the idea that we don't know anything about relationships, so we see our primary role in the relationship as being a good husband so our wives are happy.

I say: fuck that.

My relationships should suit me, otherwise I'm trading away half of my life solely for someone's benefit. The wonder of a good marriage should be that it suits me *and* it suits you (well, not you, but my wife), and neither one of us is expected to be the one getting ass-fucked in the transaction all the time. I should not always the the one having to grab the shitty end of the toilet brush. And if my life is in balance...the fact is that I don't mind holding the shitty end sometimes, because my marriage is only one small part of the cool shit I'm involved in.

Look, if I have to spend more than 50% of my time thinking about my relationship or "working on" my relationship...that makes it a job. I've already got a fucking job. Don't need a second one...especially one that I pay to keep.

Seriously, man, LIVE YOUR LIFE. Find something to make it interesting. Learn to skydive. Buy a motorcycle. Get a puppy. Explore what makes you happy as an individual outside of the context of your relationship.

Make your life interesting.

And one day, you might discover that your wife doesn't have a place in it anymore...and that's okay, because it's YOUR FUCKING LIFE, not "our" life or "her" life lived through you by proxy. It's yours, and you're the one stuck with the outcome at the end of the day. Make it a story you want to live.

And, you know, you might also find as you're living your life that your wife fits into it just fine eventually, that she even makes it better, and then that's okay, too. She complements the life you're living, and you keep her in it because she brings wortwhile assets to the table.

Either way, you're fine...because your life is comfortable.

All of this focus on marriage, MC, self-help, IC, processing the trauma, getting over it, getting through it, digging up shit...it stops being healthy after awhile. We weren't built to obsess...especially when we weren't the source of the fucking blowout in the first place.

Moderate with awesome shit.

(I know how impractical this seems right now. I remember being where you are and the A was all I could think about 24/7. I'm not telling you to go out and sign up for Crocodile Dundee(tm) Outback Pathfinder classes tomorrow...unless you really want to. I'm just saying that you will start to un-obsess eventually, and you should fill those holes with cool shit, chocolate sprinkles and motorcycle grease wherever you can. The less time you spend having to think "my wife is a dumb slut", the less she'll seem like a dumb slut. Or the more you'll just classify her as a hopelessly defective dumb slut and realize you're emotionally safe enough to walk away. Either direction is a win.)

Do you have any buddies you could grab and get out of town for a weekend? Go shoot some pool or hike in the woods or something. It doesn't have to be a grand adventure...just an adventure. And, you know, guys bonding over vents about the bitches in their lives has never, ever, one time failed to make a guy feel better.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 13th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTOM,

What WAL said. I'm not there yet, I'm still at the 90-95% point he mentioned. But I heard once that when the pain of not changing is more than the pain of changing, you will change. Keep looking until you find the advice that fits you. It's not one size fits all. (I know I just passed up an opportunity to make a vagina joke).

[This message edited by Tred at 2:46 PM, July 13th (Friday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

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