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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ive been thinking about the 'self betrayal' that is sometimes discussed on the other side(not anyone in particular) and it got me wondering, do they understand the day in day out "self betrayal" involved in staying with someone who cheated on you?

It's an interesting idea and I agree, it's not something for a WS alone. It's just there from a different approach.

Personal compromise is a terrible thing and requires a lot of restructuring to be at peace with decisions, whether they're acknowledged as wrong, accepted as needed to move forward or justified and built up under a positive light. Like you said, a lot of guys who choose to R suffer through that compromise every day. Gals too obviously but this is the beer and bacon thread, sunshine and ponies stay out! [NO GIRLS ALLOWED] an all that.

I have mentioned it before and it still hurts to admit it that I feel as if I compromised myself to R not because of my ideals but because of how it affected my life. At the time I had come to a place where I was detached from my wife enough that I could love her at arms length. This gave me a massive space to find my self confidence and whatever that zen shit is. I knew I was going to give most of that up if we went to R because I'd be letting her back in, and what hit me hardest was I didn't feel it would be the best decision for our kids. I was purely being selfish about it. This shitty thing is that the anger and resentment and all the crap that comes from working through R, no matter how good it is spills out and my kids take hits from it once in awhile (metaphorical, I spank them now and then but I hate doing it) and I think, if I'd just taken one for the team and gone on to be alone I'd be a lot more stable and available for them.

The rational truth is I could have become a brooding isolated wreck just the same, but it's the leaky boat we're in that's always the source of concern.

On the upside I guess that means I wanted to stay with my wife because I wanted to be *with her* rather than maintain some kind of family unit.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
dday3302011
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Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like marital genocide too. Good one.

The self-betrayal aspect of sticking around after discovery is and has been the hardest part of this whole thing for me.

FWW sucking MOM's dick, as awful as that thought is, really just doesn't seem to bother me much anymore. It wasn't the second dick she sucked KWIM?

I remember back in my early days here on SI reading all of the betrayed men forums and for a while there was a group of dudes talking about perspective on the A. Basically the point was, you have to get to a point in your mind that the OM is just like any other man your wife slept with before you met her. Do you think about your WW's ex-boyfriend's or ex-husband's at all? Maybe very rarely and only for a second. I mean who cares anymore?

The true nature of healing from this kind of betrayal has to do with processing and dealing with all of the cruel, vindictive shit they did and all of the lying. That's not gender-based at all IMO. If a buddy of mine lied to me and treated me in the same way FWW did, I would never accept or allow friendship from him again. Hence, the self-betrayal. Why should I accept that from her?

Part of the fundamental aspect of R is answering your own "why"? Why should I accept that from her? Why would I believe in her at this point? Why don't I just move on and escape all of the hand-holding, and encouragement?

I'm still working on those questions.

Any advice?


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So everyone deserves peace and you decide or we as a site decide? If so, why is it not portioned out equally? Why is one held to one standard and one to another? Isn't that an issue in many of our situations?

I'm not speaking for everyone (nor do I have license to speak on behalf of the site as a whole.) I have an interest in how BH's heal. I have little-to-none interest in how WW's heal. I let people who do have interests along those lines tackle the WW issues.

I'm not sure that's the question you're asking me, though. Are you asking about whether I hold BH's and WW's to the same standards and expectations for behavior in a marriage?

Sure. Here's my issue, though: if my wife was bad-mouthing me to her OP, talking shit about the marriage, talking shit about me, telling people about our business, etc., during her affair...then why would I have an issue with the BH doing the same? That's a level playing field. What I do have an issue with is the WW engaging in all sorts of shenanigans, having a come-to-Jesus moment when she gets busted, then want to get her panties all balled up in a knot because she believes the rules should change.

Here's an example: I can't even tell you how many times my wife called me a cocksucker or a motherfucker during her A. It was pretty often. She was grouchy. If she'd started pulling the "name-calling is abuse" card after d-day because I dropped a "whore" here and there, that would have just pissed me off.

I took it when she called me a motherfucker and tried to figure out what the hell was going on underneath. The least she owed me was to do the same.

"I got to play, and now we're going to do a cosmic reset where we both agree to have a completely healthy set of rules and boundaries for this relationship and I won't tolerate anything less from you, husband" simply does not fly with me.

I do believe that it is something the couple should aspire toward eventually if they're going to reconcile -- fairness, equal treatment, forgiveness and all of that rot, but I have like a pocket full of free passes to hand out for the first 6-12 months.

I am not talking about anyones post or situation, but the slant here should be what your talking about WAL - Peace, Happiness. Guess what, that doesn't come from anger or justification and condemnation.

Maybe for some. I liked being angry. It made me feel safe and warm for as long as I needed it. When I was done with it, I put it away. Getting through that anger and accepting what it was trying to tell me were instrumental steps in getting to peace and happiness.


Do we need to vent and feel that shit as a BH absolutely, but that is different. Feeling it for ourselves and forcing our anger on others in a non positive way are two different things.

I both agree and disagree. Anger is a useful tool for giving voice to the feelings that men generally aren't allowed to express to a woman.

But I think there's a bit of perspective needed here. I look at affairs through the lens of fighting and vengeance. I believe that on some level, every affair is an act of anger, hostility, and revenge against the BS for perceived shortcomings or failures. It is an expression of rage with the volume turned down so the BS doesn't have a voice with which to speak.

Post-affair anger on the part of the BS is belated participation in the argument.

Plus, you know, I'm a firm believer in the notion that not everything a BS does must be conducive to R. Jesus fucking knows that so little of what my wife did for the first year after d-day was conducive to R. If I could give her the benefit of the doubt and tough it out, the least she can do is return the favor.

And maybe we do have the right to say or out the Wayward, but regardless of our decisions there are consequencesgood or bad.

Definitely weigh the consequences, yes. I told a ton of people. I told an old lady at the grocery store just because she was standing in front of me and said I looked like I was having a rough day. No idea who she was.

There wasn't one person I regret telling. There was so much support and care poured out because I was able to frame the narrative as my right to tell the story of my own life, I probably won't ever be able to repay it all.


We choose to do a healthy communication we get that back, we choose to be spitefull DON'T be fucking surprised when you get a negative back!

Do we want to get healthy or walk around kicking rocks and piss and moan?

As I said, I liked kicking rocks for awhile. It was good for me. And I liked standing up for myself and speaking my truth.

I tend to agree that communication is better when its honest, useful, and healthy. It took me a long time to get that from my wife. Every talk about the affair was a fucking war. I had to dig, scratch, claw and expose for every tidbit I learned.

I don't believe in fighting fair when only one side agrees to abide by those terms. If you're going to go to war, you fucking go to war. Being heart-on-my-sleeve, honest-about-my-butt-hurt guy only bought me lies, gaslighting and broken NC.

But I don't know, maybe other guys have had more luck than I did with trying to love their wives out of being assholes.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
stilllovingher
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Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should I accept that from her? Why would I believe in her at this point? Why don't I just move on and escape all of the hand-holding, and encouragement?

*some days* i have to ignore these questions, *some days* the answers arent "conducive" to R.

Personal compromise is a terrible thing and requires a lot of restructuring to be at peace with decisions,

--under construction...hard hats required--


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
stilllovingher
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Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being heart-on-my-sleeve, honest-about-my-butt-hurt guy only bought me lies, gaslighting and broken NC.

Ditto


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
HoldingTogether
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Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We choose to do a healthy communication we get that back, we choose to be spitefull DON'T be fucking surprised when you get a negative back!

Fair enough. But I am also mindful of the fact that I already got an ass load of negative back. Sort of a preemptive negative back. Maybe my FWW has ESP of some sort and knew that I would someday be acting like an asshole toward her so she tried to get the jump on me... Kidding obviously.

Look I get the point that you are making but I sometime get exasperated by the standards that we as BS' often hold ourselves and each other to. Sure, it's best if we all can be patient, and understanding, and reasonable, and good communicators, and take the high road. Best for R, best for our relationships, best for us as individuals...

But for god sakes I am not the equal of the Dali fucking Lama in the forgiveness/turning the other cheek department either. I already am taking the high road every day simply by chosing to try to forgive and R, I am taking the high road every day simply by not expressing out loud every single angry negative thought I have every instant that them. I have spent so much time up on that high road I am amazed I don't have fucking altitude sickness by now. And when it comes to turning the other cheek? If I turned any more cheek I'd look like Linda Blair in the fucking Excorsist.

There is an old joke that has been coming to mind for me lately:

Guy walks up to another guy and says: "Let's have a contest. I'll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, then you get to kick me in the balls as hard as you can. We keep going and the first one who quits loses."
The second guy agrees and so the first guy hauls off and kicks him in the balls as hard as he can. Second guy falls to the ground writhing I agony, after maybe ten minutes he gets shakily back to his feet and says:
"Ok asshole, now it's my turn!"
First guy holds up his hands and says:
"Nah, I quit. Congratulations, you win"

Some times the whole process of R reminds me of that joke. Except with infidelity it is as if the same scenario plays out but this time no one even tells the second guy the rules or even the game until after that first kick in the balls. KWIM.?

Or better yet, hows about our ball busted victim decides he's not going to retaliate. Instead he just says: "I'm not going to take my turn, not going to play this game. You win, but you are a real fucking asshole you know that?"
To which the first guy says:
"Hey, hey, no need for name calling. Let just keep this all civil and both act like grownups ok?"
To which our victim responds:
"Yah, your right. I guess I was out of line with the name calling. Let's just have a calm discussion about you kicking my balls into creamed soup."

Maybe in that scenario the guy who got kicked in the balls is the better person. Maybe that is the guy I should aspire to be. But I suspect that that guy has something in common with Santa Claus, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy...

They all don't fucking exist.

So while I would agree that at some point in any process of this sort somebody has to be the bigger person and stop the fucking madness. Somebody has to decide to quit with the ball kicking. And while I am ok with and willing to be that guy? I am gonna give myself a little leeway on how I perfectly I act about doing it.

I do think that we as BH's have to hold ourselves to a high standard, and I think we achieve it when we don't spend our time going around repeatedly kicking everyone involved in their metaphorical nut sacks. But I also think we all need to cut ourselves a little slack when we don't always manage to behave like Ghandi handing out flowers to the people beating us over the skulls with clubs.KWIM.

Look I have engaged in some assholish behavior throughout this nightmarish process, but I console myself with the knowledge that nothing I have done rises to the level of what the two of them did.
Not. Even. Fucking. Close.

I think there is a difference between deescilating the situation and expecting myself to be a saint.

Besides I look gay in a halo.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strangely enough, the issue of self-betrayal was one of the things that kept me angry the longest.

I had this deeply seated fear that I would inevitbly forgive my wife...and it felt like doing that was as big a crime against myself and a minimization of my suffering on par with her betrayal.

Staying angry kept the self-betrayal at bay, because the anger was a monument, a remembrance. It reminded me who I was and what I valued.

And, like I said, when I was ready to change and come to terms with myself, I put the angries down. Of course, I also felt by that time that I'd extracted a sufficient pound of flesh that I wasn't self-betraying any longer.

I'm big on parity.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Mypoorboys
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Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every word spoken recently on this thread, (especially by those who are in R at whatever stage you may refer to it as), is fine and, to a great extent, very informative, honest and certainly quite eloquently expressed.
But, like myself, there are others here that do not have the luxury of dealing with R! This, in my opinion, is a much, much more difficult situation.
Yes, so it ends, and each party walks away. Yes, the kids are damaged, few speak of this.
R? maybe a happy ending. Divorce without some form of R, never good.
I personally will never give her an ounce of forgiveness, an opportunity of the benefit of doubt or acknowledgement of some humanity, moral integrity left in a single cell in her miserable body.
Angry? Damn straight. Bitter, you bet! Wish her harm, I would be lying if I told you I did not.
Untrustworthy, well, I'm trying to work on that one.
So, I bury myself in my kids, but stay the Fuck away from her.
Do I pity myself? Absolutely not.
Yesterday, was DDay, the real one. Thousands of our former defenders of ur freedom died horribly on the beaches of Normandy.
They died for our freedom, our country. Let us not forget we here because of them.
GOD Bless America and GOD Bless the righteous.
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
wonderingbull
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Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe other guys have had more luck than I did with trying to love their wives out of being assholes.

Yeah, that worked like a charm for me..

NOT.....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
StillGoing
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Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe other guys have had more luck than I did with trying to love their wives out of being assholes.

Try as I might, I can't work an anal joke out of that. The thought is there, though.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 2:20 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
dday3302011
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Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm big on parity.

Yeah me too, and the self-betrayal seems to be one of if not the only thing left driving my anger. I'm not sure how or when I'll be able to let that go.

I think a large part of my brain feels like I'm doing my job when I get angry.

I read a book last year on dog training called "The Koehler Method". I have a Giant Schnauzer that is very smart, strong, and hard-headed and "correction training" (using a choke-chain) like the Koehler Method promotes is a particularly effective way of training animals like Giant's, Doberman's, etc. Anyway, the book is kind of like the bible of "correction training" techniques and philosophies. There's a line in the book where Koehler says "give your dog the benefit and respect that comes with being accountable for his actions". I feel like this to some degree with FWW at this point as well. I'm almost hyper-sensitive to her conflict avoidance and passivity, and like to provide a good swift "correction" whenever I detect some. My "corrections" tend to be anger-based and lack any kind of leniency for not being accountable. Am I an asshole husband or a good wife-trainer? Not sure, but I'll be damned to let things fall back to the way they were pre-A.


Or better yet, hows about our ball busted victim decides he's not going to retaliate. Instead he just says: "I'm not going to take my turn, not going to play this game. You win, but you are a real fucking asshole you know that?"
To which the first guy says:
"Hey, hey, no need for name calling. Let just keep this all civil and both act like grownups ok?"
To which our victim responds:
"Yah, your right. I guess I was out of line with the name calling. Let's just have a calm discussion about you kicking my balls into creamed soup."

LOL! Holding, you left out the part where that calm discussion turns into a "feelings-fest". "How did that make you feel?" "Well like my head was going to fall off and my knees needed to be replaced". "Ooh I'm sorry you feel that way, I understand your pain. Everything OK now? I feel so much better now that we've shared our feelings."

MPB, I'm sorry for your pain. You are in a special corner of hell with that witch. Stay strong my man.

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 2:54 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe in that scenario the guy who got kicked in the balls is the better person. Maybe that is the guy I should aspire to be. But I suspect that that guy has something in common with Santa Claus, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy...

They all don't fucking exist.

Either that or he's not the kind of guy you turn your back on.

A guy who just shrugs and grins after you kick him in the balls? You better learn to run marathons backward fast, imo.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7119 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HT, your example nailed it.

@someone who asked-yes, I've been jerked around similar to the situation I highlighted. I was looking for wisdom in a general sense other than a bit of man support for our conflicted brother. Yes, I was angry coz I know where he's at; trying to negotiate remorse while having his hopes dashed, while bleeding to death, while pleading for mercy... wish there was a way I could help him internalise that its never going to happen. DETACH is one of the key lessons I learnt soon after arriving on SI and it kinda opened up my eyes after almost 2 years of being jerked around and bouncing between MC, books, forums, etc... ad nauseum.

Well said WAL


"I got to play, and now we're going to do a cosmic reset where we both agree to have a completely healthy set of rules and boundaries for this relationship and I won't tolerate anything less from you, husband"

Hahaaaa, I get this every.fucking.day. And yet she refuses to abide by the most critical rule: Truth.

&


I don't believe in fighting fair when only one side agrees to abide by those terms. If you're going to go to war, you fucking go to war. Being heart-on-my-sleeve, honest-about-my-butt-hurt guy only bought me lies, gaslighting and broken NC.

Ditto here, over 14 months of it.

Enough of me ranting. Some WWs will never get it, or will only get it when its too late to have stopped the hemorrhaging. My ideal for any and every BH is jj - you go guy


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
Benedict
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Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

New on this forum - don't think it existed back when I was around the first time.

Self betrayal really caught my eye today as I opened the last page to see what you were talking about. Wow.

In 2001, we had some difficulties that revolved around me not pulling my weight in the earnings department. W decided to hell with me and went off and had a 1.5 year fling with an old HS friend. I recently learned that she at the time had consulted an atty who told her she was fucked because she made more moeny than me... so she stayed. We were in MC and seemed to work it out after a year, but I was a massive FAIL for not holding her accountable for the A at all. I guess I thought I was more evolved than that.

Fast forward through 4 more kids (2 adopted from Ukraine in 2005 and twins in 2008) and we are coming out the other side of economic disaster. I thought we were OK, working as a team, looking ahead to better times again...

She found a MOM at a business conference in Feb 2012, and hooked up with him. Then after returning home, reached out again and consciously, deliberately set about a relationship with him. His appeal? Built like a god, apparently - although ugly as fuck. Go figure...

I could feel SOMETHING was not right and it became apparent in mid April. I busted her by reading her emails - ILYs, sexual references (graphic) all kinds of shit that no one should ever read about their wife.

I don't see a way to ever trust her again. She doesn't want R, but has not closed the door on us. I can't see how I can ever trust her again. We are in MC - first session was Wed Jun 6. I don't want to go through all the no-contact and full disclosure. She wouldn't comply and I don't have the energy. And I think in the end it is pointless. I think the MC will be pushing in that direction, so I might get on the program. I am fucking exhausted with all of this. She has no real clue as to the damage she has caused in this A. The MOM was 10 years in with 3 small kids. WHat a pair of assholes.

My biggest question in all of this is why I allowed myself to be here? Yes, I know all of the ideas of how I didn't execute R properly and that is true. But what I wonder is more internally personal - just me. Why did I do this to myself? What turned my head.

Self betrayal jumped right out at me when I opened the page.

There is too much tied up and too many things for either of us to part ways at this moment. I (we) have been fighting with everyone for the last 5 years (banks, partners, attorneys) that I just don't have any fight left in me right now. This is the worst possible time for this to have been caused by her.

Thanks for reading.


"And the tears that I cried for that woman are gonna flood you, Big River. And I'm gonna sit right here 'til I die." - Johnny Cash
BS 48,WW 43,6 kids -
Dday 5-18-03 Workin' it out...
day to day. DDay 2 4-23-12 Fucking yay.

Posts: 760 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Chicago
64fleet
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Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome benedict. I'd hazard a guess many, many, fWW just don't learn.

Its my second go-round also in a way-I was engaged to fWW 20yrs ago, she started fucking a guy @work and a month after our engagement was over she had married the other guy. It didn't work, (imagine that). We married after dating a long time, I was told she had changed, and was stupid enouhg to buy it. Love does that shit.

So after 2 kids, etc I am here. She has quit drinking, she's sober 4 yrs now.

Lately I counter my self-betrayal with the best interest of my kids. It's best for them if I stay.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
noescape
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Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hazarding a guess after the last 2 posts and of WALs general posts and the feeling I get is; M is ALWAYS bad for a BH - no matter how you look at it (remorseful or remorseless W). Seeing jj-I can see the benefits of being unattached. A new M? Maybe but who would want to hazard this shit all over again. The final piece of advise from Dr Harley which I can safely discard now is the one about how if you want whats best for your kids-then love their mother. I call BS on that since its based on an ideal which revolves around the 'woman centric' relationship model which discards any/all benefit for a man other than maybe sex... and, if youre lucky, help around the house. Hey, be civil and work together by all means, but spare me the "better M than ever before opportunity" which one hears a lot on infidelity boards. Better for whom? (Please save the flames and take it for what it is; this is specifically in the male board to opine openly).

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
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Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Benedict)))) (man hug)

I suggest you read up parts 6 and 7 of the BM boards. The first page of BM 8 is also very useful.

Best of luck.

MPB))) we're rooting for you. I guess being where I am seems so much better than where you are-yet I envy the day you shall be free of this-AND I pray for it, for you and your boys. Keep strong.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
noescape
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Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aesir just said it:

Exactly. I think a few generations ago, people would think we had strange ideas of what marriage was about. What's with all this nonsense of emotions and communication? This is a serious matter of reproduction and property transactions. Monogamy? Well, maybe for the women, can't have the childrens lineage brought into question.

I'll grant there is some merit to that.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
wincing_at_light
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Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hazarding a guess after the last 2 posts and of WALs general posts and the feeling I get is; M is ALWAYS bad for a BH - no matter how you look at it (remorseful or remorseless W). Seeing jj-I can see the benefits of being unattached.

Well, I wouldn't go quite so far as to say that marriage is always bad. There is plenty of good in my marriage. I actually like being married.

It's important to remember that those of us who are out a ways--I'm at nearly six years from D-day--when we're posting about a great many of these topics, we're reflecting back on a historical process, not describing something that's happening *now*. My wife bears very little resemblance to my WW.

The shit you're going through doesn't last forever. You work it out. You stop connecting to the experience of having been betrayed.

Life goes on. It really does.

Does my wife still do stuff that bugs the shit out of me sometimes? Sure, she does, but it has nothing to do with being a WW. I'm pretty sure there's a thing or two that I do which bugs the shit out of her, too. That's just part of being married.

The reason I continue to post on SI isn't because I still have these gaping wounds that need addressed. I don't even think about infidelity as a topic when I'm not here. I post here because I have so much appreciation for guys like Clint, wifehad5, MovingUpward, stunned-dad, Bigger, and too many other guys who were here when I was in the shit and helped me understand that my process was normal. By relating their experiences, they gave me ways to think about how to wade through the issues and get what I wanted. I hope that I'm able to do the same sort of thing for some of the guys who are still in the middle of it.

I'm not a "happy guy" poster who tries to inspire others by dwelling on how wonderful things can be. That stuff just pissed me off when I was fresh to this, but make no mistake...I *am* happy. And I'm still married to my wife and glad about it. (Which is not to say that I don't envy jjct sometimes...but jjct is about 50x cooler than I am. My single life would not look anything like his. My single life would be working too much, playing too many video games, and wondering why I never had any clean underwear. A big part of my admiration for jj is for the man he is, not for being single.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you're in the middle of this infidelity shit -- whether it's R or D -- it feels like a death sentence. It feels like something that's going to hang over your head for the rest of your miserable life. It isn't. It feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to you, and it's not. We're all more resilient than that, but it's important to do the work up front and seize the opportunities to tweak the settings on your life's .ini file to get the performance gains you want instead of trying to live with a broken down old rig that can only play on ultra-low settings.

Life will invariably and inevitably get better. We're built to forget the pain of the past and always be looking toward the next horizon.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, and I say this to you-we know it and appreciate it!! Thanks a lot and to all the other amazing vets here. It lends some semblance of sanity to what is/has been a complete heart & mindfuck. Heck, I dont know if I even have a heart anymore

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