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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men- Part 8
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good to hear that you're starting to detach. I think that's healthy thing to do. I want to tread lightly here because you came here for support not criticism, but I will give you my opinions based on what you've written.

You have some huge contradictions in your responses here over the last few days. You call her a liar and say that she can't be trusted, then you believe everything she says about going NC with both of you (a classic WS lie). You say that you understand that when she was blowing you off that she was sleeping with the OM, but your next post is about believing her that it was "only one time" and she really only sees the OM as a "friend" and not in a romantic way (two more classic WS lies). You say that you don't want to go to her work because the OM will be there and it will get messy, then you say that you really don't care what the OM thinks you just have to get some things off your chest. You say you don't care anymore but that it would be upsetting if you found out they were still together.

It's a very confusing time right now. You'd like to believe the things you've always believed about your WW. I understand that and have been there. Up is down, down is up, but like WAL said, she is showing you who she is right now. You are being played IMO and she knows just how to do it.

I'm not saying that she's malicious or evil, but it doesn't seem like you are being realistic about who she is at all. You're in a fog of your own 28 and it's upsetting to see you there. Read up on the 180. Do it for yourself. Take control of you.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to echo dday33, don't beat yourself up about it. We've all been there.

You're going to have a gut instinct to believe your wife, especially in the beginning. She's spent the marriage building up a bank of trust, and you count her as someone you can trust to tell you the truth. It takes awhile to learn differently, and each lesson is painful.

If you do figure out a way to reconcile, one day she'll have to rebuild all of the trust she's in the process of destroying now. That'll be a problem to face then, but right now, you've got to understand that she is outside your circle of trust. She has an agenda -- even if it's a confused agenda that she's not 100% clear on, but what we can say about it definitively is that it's an agenda that does not have your best interest in mind.

She's not on your team right now. She does not have your back. She does not feel obligated to tell you the truth, either factually or emotionally.

She's not evil, perhaps, but she is your adversary. Her agenda is completely counter to yours (which is to understand, to heal, to get the facts you need to make decisions). She will become, if you haven't seen it already, an unreliable narrator about your life, your marriage and your past.

What sucks about being a BS is that we know so little about this situation that has destroyed our lives, and the only person who can give us insight into what happened is a person who has proven themselves to be committed to lying to us and protecting themselves at all costs.

It takes time to come to grips with this initial reality. So don't be too hard on yourself if you give her the benefit of the doubt and get burned. There's nothing wrong extending the benefit of the doubt to your own wife. You might get burned a number of times, but there's nothing wrong with you for doing it.

Unless, you know, you just start doing it stupidly and repeatedly until you're pulling back a charred stump. But that's also a bridge we'll cross if we come to it.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
DestroyedDad
♂ Member
Member # 33525
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sucks about being a BS is that we know so little about this situation that has destroyed our lives, and the only person who can give us insight into what happened is a person who has proven themselves to be committed to lying to us and protecting themselves at all costs.

^^^This has been SO hard for me to internalize. It has taken me 8 months to finally get it. WW said yesterday, "I don't think we'll ever know why it happened..."

That was when I finally realized that, yes, WE apparently won't ever know WHY, because YOU aren't telling.

Now working to disassemble 20 years together into two separate "piles" so I can get moving on and have my boys settled into a new place without crazy WW before next school term starts in August.

Thanks to all for the continuing wisdom!

DD


D-Day - 8/18/11
Me: BH - 42
Her: WW - 42
Kids - 14 & 9
OM: 63 - her boss
Headed for S then D.

Posts: 121 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: USA
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey 2814,
I the words of Tony Montana, 'why don't you take that,____blank and stick it up your ass!'
Tell your cheating, adulterous, godless unremorseful WW that and leave ASAP to save yourself and move on.
Also, I would not meet this OM under any circumstances. You are either looking at a confrontation, (lawyer at the end of each street corner), or at best, you sucker punch the asshole, puncture his tires, key his vehicle, then have a good alibi.
You gotta be kidding us all about your forgiveness speech.
I suspect that you are very, very deeply hurt, (like most of us here), and in your case, you don't yet know where to put this pain.
Read the 180, and listen to the warning by your fellow BS's here.
Sorry to inform you as to the truth, but it is what it is.
Good Luck and GOD bless,
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
Mypoorboys
♂ Member
Member # 33169
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey WAL,
Gotta luv that term you used for 2814, 'your adversary'.
To me, that has, so far, translated to $40,000 and now has required me to borrow from my pension to continue the good fight.
LMAO when I hear stupid shit like, I think she really feels bad, or is not evil, just confused.
Give me a huge break will ya!
MPBs

Posts: 176 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New Brunswick, New Jersey
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, MPB, I'd be more prone to calling your slut STBX a nemesis rather than merely an adversary.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then there's only a short step, about 40,000 of them,
from adversary to nemesis...
right?

jeez.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love is priceless.
Divorce?
40 - 50 thou.
Probably worth it.
It'd be funny as hell,
if it weren't so old...
Buck up brothers))))!

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Howcouldshedoit?
♂ Member
Member # 34652
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sucks about being a BS is that we know so little about this situation that has destroyed our lives, and the only person who can give us insight into what happened is a person who has proven themselves to be committed to lying to us and protecting themselves at all costs.

Man that just hit the nail on the head for me. Its one of those thoughts that Ive been having that I just couldnt fully flesh out but that sentence is just perfect.


Me: BH (34)
Her: WW (33)
D-Day #1: 7-19-11
Many D-Days since...
No longer in limbo. Divorcing her and the pain
"I can only throw you so many lifelines"

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jan 2012
2814
♂ New Member
Member # 35333
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did decide not to talk with this guy.
And I am incredibly and terribly confused right now. It's absolutely true everything you guys are saying.
The only reasonable avenue I have is NC of my own choosing. I am definitely implementing 180. It's a week today since DDay. I also know that the rollercoaster isn't over. I have to decide who I want at the controls. Myself or her.
I also have discussed my next steps of action with my lawyer friend.
She is a siren. when I hear her call, it's almost impossible to turn away, but she will drag you to the bottom of the ocean to drown.

[This message edited by 2814 at 8:30 AM, April 18th (Wednesday)]


------------------------------
Me:BS(30)
Her: WW(29)
Married 1 1/2 years together for 5
D-Day: 4/11/12

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2012
dday3302011
♂ Member
Member # 32043
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is a siren. when I hear her call, it's almost impossible to turn away, but she will drag you to the bottom of the ocean to drown

Love the analogy. Spot on. I understand it completely, and so does almost every other guy on here.

Again, don't beat yourself up over it. You love your wife and didn't think she was capable of this kind of behavior. That doesn't mean you're weak, it only means you're trusting of your wife. A very reasonable assumption for most husbands. You are not in that category anymore however.

Some of the comments directed at you have been pretty harsh and here's why: We've seen it all before in our own lives and in some cases hundreds of times played out on this website. All affairs are different just like all people are different, but in almost every single instance, the same thought processes and behaviors are used. It's a pretty incredible phenomenon.

There are many tell-tale signs of remorseful WW's. Honesty, remorse, transparency, a willingness to do whatever it takes to help you heal and feel safe. I had a WW who was immediately remorseful, I guess I was lucky (if you call having your wife fucking another dude for a year lucky). You're wife is exhibiting none of those behaviors. In fact it seems as if she's pulled out the old WW playbook and has scripted the first 15 plays. It's more than obvious.

Be good to yourself, she isn't. Listen to the advice you're being given here. Good luck 28.


BH-41 (me)
xWW-42
M 11yrs, together 14
DDay 3-30-2011
2 kids, 9 & 7
1 yr LTA w/MOM
Divorced 5-16-2013

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Northeast
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, don't beat yourself up over it. You love your wife and didn't think she was capable of this kind of behavior. That doesn't mean you're weak, it only means you're trusting of your wife. A very reasonable assumption for most husbands. You are not in that category anymore however.


I still feel this was the dumbest thing I have ever done-trust a female. I knew better, but still somehow, I trusted her-what a stupid move-I truly knew better.

Now I know to never make that mistake again. Its a hard lesson tho, and looking at my kids I realize the magnitude of my stupidity.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
2814
♂ New Member
Member # 35333
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks dday.

I was talking with a friend today who is also a counselor(he handles addicts primarily) and after everything I told him she said or did he said,"yeah, that's pretty classic of a delusional WS."

it's just a shame. I miss her, I know I'll move on. It just sucks.


------------------------------
Me:BS(30)
Her: WW(29)
Married 1 1/2 years together for 5
D-Day: 4/11/12

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2012
Mormegil
♂ New Member
Member # 34841
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What sucks about being a BS is that we know so little about this situation that has destroyed our lives, and the only person who can give us insight into what happened is a person who has proven themselves to be committed to lying to us and protecting themselves at all costs.

OMG THIS ^^^^


Me: BH 38
xWW 37
DD 10.18.2011
DD (full truth) 1.25.2012
daughter, 11 yrs old
Divorce very nearly finalized

Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2012
Howcouldshedoit?
♂ Member
Member # 34652
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2814, just know up front that you are gonna break that 180. There were lots of days that I would get up in the morning and tell myself that I was gonna 180 all day and it was gonna be good.
Then she would text me something about the kids or how are you and it was all downhill from there. It gets easier tho, just hang in there.


Me: BH (34)
Her: WW (33)
D-Day #1: 7-19-11
Many D-Days since...
No longer in limbo. Divorcing her and the pain
"I can only throw you so many lifelines"

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jan 2012
westerly
♂ Member
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 23rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's the beauty of the 180- situations demand that we deviate from it from time to time so that we can look at ourselves in the mirror- we're doing this, after all, for our own benefit but also for someone that we love despite the absolute shit show they've made of our lives. The 180 is made to get us back on an emotionally healthy track. I'm sure that we've all wandered off for good reasons, but the important thing is that we stick to the program with consistency.
I've found with experience that I know when it is and isn't healthy to deviate from the 180 behaviors.


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

</vent on>

If I hear one more time about the poor wayward wife not getting her needs met, how the evil husband denied/abused/talked mean/did not do the dishes for her, how her loneliness and emptiness drove her to the arms of OM (or in my wife's case, OMs and OW) - I WILL EFFING PUKE.

Newsflash - EVERY marriage has problems. Grow the fuck up and work through your problems in some other fashion than betraying the schmuck who, while clearly stupid (because he married you), might actually LOVE you. Heck, have some self-respect (love yourself) and not commit adultery.

And one other thing - WWs know what the hell they are doing is wrong. They KNOW it. But they don't stop. They don't care or consider the consequences. Why the fuck is that? I get that men are stupid shits and a WH is a pig and an idiot. But why is that a woman that cheats is a heroine seeking to fulfill her true destiny of love - nevermind that she is destroying her family and hurting her kids??? What kind of mother would do that to her kids??

</vent off>

If you cannot tell, I'm just pissed off. Please resume your regularly scheduled discussion of real problems.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 11:18 AM, April 25th (Wednesday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always good to vent, Screwed. Nice.

Thought you might get a kick out of this. Because... well, sometimes, the wayward thinking never changes. A bit long...

Our co-parenting goes well, but I shut down conversation when she brings up her favorite topic of rewriting history and blameshifting. This drives her crazy- more so now for some reason.

The other day, she slipped in how she felt she doesn't get enough time with the kids because she works so hard. (I did not bring up that she chose not spending time with the kids for her career since the first was born). I turned the conversation to the kids. She brought it up again blatantly rewriting our marital history regarding time with the kids. Again, I deflected to the schedule changes the call was about. Then she went off on a crazed tirade. I let her go because I was reading something and knew it would eventually blow over and we could finish the schedule business. It lasted ten minutes or so. She wants more time with the kids!

Then, at the end, asked if I could "hang out with the kids" while she went out on a date with her boyfriend (of two years) Saturday night. (first right of refusal and all) It is her weekend.

Sure, I said, as long as you can pick them up by 9:30.

So-she picks them up at 9:30. The kids are running out to her car and she sees I am dressed up. I close the door, wave to her, and get in my car.

She is on the phone, frantic, less than thirty seconds later- grilling me about where I am going. What I am doing. Who I am seeing. I deflect- none of your business. We are D. You have a boyfriend.

She stews until yesterday- then calls because we need to talk. Ok. Sigh.

She spends time denigrating her boyfriend- is upset I find another woman attractive- is not attracted to her boyfriend- thinks if I see anyone it should be someone I am not attracted to- she has not had sex with her boyfriend- thinks I shouldn't have sex with anyone AND I owe her for the bad marriage- I need to pay her back- I need to acknowledge (and this is a quote) "that she is right and I am wrong."

I said, after this ramble- this isn't really about the kids schedule, is it? She hung up pissed.

Then she called me after she knew I had put the kids in bed... wait for it...

for phone sex!

I laughed and said goodnight.

2.5 years divorced. Three years since she started her A.

Wow. Just... wow.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quedagh -

Wow is right. She sounds insane. Hope your kids are alright with her.

Shaking my head....hang in there bro.



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 25th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Q

You HAVE to be making that up. No wait, you don't.

I am so sorry you have to deal with that level of crazy. Thank goodness you are divorced from that.

Was she that effed up all through your marriage?


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
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