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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, November 9th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear (((Tribe)))
non carborundum illegitimi
Apparently, the ancient Romans had advice for us!

I am divorced. Happened yesterday. http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=476779

There is a whole world out there, free of eggshells, free of manufactured drama, just free.
Go for that.
No matter how many years and tears it takes.
(((Tribe)))


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing, please do have someone else there with you. Why is he taking visitation in your house? Can you have the kids bundled up and ready to go when he gets there, and just sort of push them out the door?

JJ, I'm so happy you're free from those eggshells. It's such a wonderful feeling.

I'm thinking that non carborundum illegitimi should be the Tribe motto. Or one of them anyway. I'm sure we've had a few good ones.

The increased contact with the assclown has been hard on me. I had a good first session with my new IC. I liked her a lot, and she seemed to know much about NPD assclown types. At one point, after I had discussed many of his antics and our history, I said, "Yeah, he's a total narcissist." She replied, "You know, he could be a psychopath..." Yowza. I guess I had never thought of him as actually being worse than an NPD. She recommended I read "The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists" and also "The Sociopath Next Door". And here I thought I was done with researching his shit. Ugh. Well, hopefully I will glean good from these books anyway.

(((Tribe))) Wishing you all well.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, congratulations JJ.

Wounded, the wizard of Oz book is good, haven't read the other one.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading everyone's posts just make me remember what it felt like from day one of my nightmare. That nightmare started when I married my NPD a-hole many years ago. I realized my mistake 3 months in, but for better or worse I stayed 25 years. There were some better times, because NPD's worse makes the somewhat pathetic better look quite good.

How many of us got comfortable because we knew we were in for the long haul, not to back out, not to walk away from our commitments. How many of us were content because, "here we are".

How many of us were heartbroken when we realized what monster's they truly were?

How many of us thought we would die when they continued the awful treatment like WE were the ones who had the affair and threw them away?

How many of us are now happy since we are detached. I for one am beyond happy. I may be broke, I may be by myself, but I will never subject myself to his pathetic excuse for love EVER AGAIN.

Yes he is in my thoughts, yes I am not done with his crap, ie car payment not made and they call me, but I don't have to look at him in my space. I don't have to worry who he is chasing, what he is doing, what money he is blowing, etc., etc., etc.,.

Congrats to you jjct to being legally done.

What got me here this morning when I should be cleaning and boxing stuff up, I FOUND 5 MORE TUBES OF CAULK, and that is just inside the house. I know there are many more outside.

Caulk will now be an inside joke for the tribe, and I will know you if I hear laughing from the caulk aisle inside the local hardware store that one of my SI tribe members are close.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn..... caulk strikes again.

That thread is those laughing tears and finding the humor in the frustration and struggle to understand the ununderstandable is where I began to heal.

This is a time of celebration, jj!! And for those who lurk or have just joined, there is healing to be had. It cannot be had with them or in reaction to them. Start you own path, make your own choices and always do what you have to do to be safe!

I don't know that I will ever stop looking in shadows or fail to hesitate before I unlock my car and get out. But I don't let fear rule me, just guide me gently.

One "trick" I have learned, CH, is to wide eyed and innocent, side step confrontation with statements like, "Oh, I must have misunderstood. I was sure you wanted to maintain the stability for the children and not make major changes (LIKE MOVING INTO THE BASEMENT). Try to non confront, present the statement that looks good to the "adoring" public persona, and above all, make it HIS idea in the first place.

I agree that having people around is a good idea. But try to have them in the background or appear relaxed. A group standing around imposing and physically challenging him (in his mind) could escalate unnecessarily. Treat him as if you expect him to react normally and reasonably and maybe you can trick him into doing so. It has worked with Stretch on many an occasion. I know after it is over I am amazed at "wtf just happened" and I can only imagine how he feels. Jedi mind tricks.

(((tribe)))

We are stronger than NPD, and once we stop trying to think through NPD fear, we are far far smarter than they are for all that intelligence is a factor in most NPD. Remember, NPDs are slaves to some base desire and impulse and they are exerting a lot of energy appearing normal. If they let go of the "cover story" truly duck and cover and call 911 and all protective measures.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all have to educate me on the caulk thing. After STBX left, I did throw away at least six tubes of it. He used it once - to make a white mess all over our bathroom tiles. Apparently he had been trying to fix a leak, but the leak was actually in the tub drain, NOT THE WALLS.

The caulk sat there for a year, making the whole bathroom look terrible. After he left, I asked a handyman to take it off.

Thanks, everyone, for the good advice about STBX visiting.

He sent me another email today, a business-like proposal that we should sell the house that I and his children live in, buy another one out in the burbs with public schools (UH, DUH, YES), and that I should get a job, and that he can move back in "for the sake of the children" and that we can lead as separate lives as we wish.

I really think he's gone off the deep end. Like I don't deserve anything better in this world than living "separately" with my SEX ADDICT NPD husband IN MY HOME while I got out an work and HE runs a S&M dungeon in his part of the house.

Really. WHAT THE FUCK???? I'm so strung out. I mean, this guy is supposed to be a genius. Is he KIDDING ME?


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHAT THE FUCK????

I'm so proud of you. Look at that righteous anger you just channeled! Own it, Girl! It's your friend & will help you get through this. Call that lawyer & get him to take you on!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 10th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this guy is supposed to be a genius

all NPD think they are geniuses


Posts: 415 | Registered: Jun 2012
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Cool  Posted: 8:28 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is how the story ends for me, right now anyway.

He is working like a dog, is lonely and thinks I am dating or have access to men to date.

Good, let him think that, let him have to work, and let him be so disconnected to our family that he has to look at his life for what it really is.

But he is NPD so I am sure its still my fault.

And I heard that people who report to him think he is paranoid.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the 'genius' thing, here's what drove me cra-Z!

His mom is/was an ER Nurse. She encouraged him and his younger brother to take regular first aid classes, and my stbxh did so. Well I guess he thought those classes, combined with all the medical knowledge that rubbed off on him from his mother, made him some sort of medical professional.

He was ALWAYS offering medical opinions and diagnosis for pretty much anything. It got so bad that I started referring to him as a doctor by night. I had to ask him to withhold any medical opinions until after 6:30 pm, when his 'medical licenses' kicked in.

So yes, in one way or another, he thinks he's a freaking mensa master, UNTIL he gets called on his shit.

I learned over the years, when we took our boys to the doctor, to sit back and let him stick his foot into his mouth by trying to out doctor our pediatrician and the nurses.

It's both embarrassing and funny as hell!!!!!


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, here I go again.

To the newbies, its easier when you have let go and detach and don't try to prove you are right with them, you are always wrong no matter what.

Back to me being here again on this pretty Sunday and why.

Cleaning out top bathroom shelf in linen cupboard. Useless stuff, but I am short and can't see, get a footstool. Fedex envelope up there in back. What the hell. Open it expecting a surprise that he has hidden, and yes it was. Viagra from 2005. Only used 5, but it cost Over $100.

He was always worried about his performance, can't imagine the hell he was in fucking his whore.

Here is where I win. It crossed my mind to text him about it so he knew I knew, but I don't care. Maybe will pack it in his stuff when he finally gets it. He will know then without him thinking I care.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You all have to educate me on the caulk thing.

Umm, no we don't.

After STBX left, I did throw away at least six tubes of it. He used it once - to make a white mess all over our bathroom tiles. Apparently he had been trying to fix a leak, but the leak was actually in the tub drain, NOT THE WALLS.

The caulk sat there for a year, making the whole bathroom look terrible. After he left, I asked a handyman to take it off.

That is the caulk thing!

In fact, if that was the only thing about your sitch that you posted - we'd know for sure you were dealing with an NPD.

It's a diagnostic criteria.
They're caulkheads.

I pray, for every tear that salted its way down your cheek -
a smile.
You get detached,
and move to the Howling Banshee Bellylaugh Inn.
It's easy, rent's by the week.

PS
Safety ideas.
We've been working on a thread down in IT.
Check it out.
Bump it with a tip or two of your own.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pray, for every tear that salted its way down your cheek -
a smile.

What a gorgeous piece of writing, jj. And thought.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pray, for every tear that salted its way down your cheek -
a smile.

What a gorgeous piece of writing, jj. And thought.

Yes. Thank you, jj. I forward this thought on, to everyone who finds themselves on this thread.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking of that safety thread, I found my "make a safety plan" sheet that I had originally used to start with, but as soon as I sat down to type out more I promptly lost it again. ARGH!

Speaking of being able to laugh at our NPD's, I had a good belly laugh at mine this past week. We are in the middle of a parenting evaluation on our way to divorce, and this week I got to answer his accusations against me. I'm sure all of you here will find this one as big a laugh riot as I do. Here it is:

I don't appreciate him.

Yes, that's right. That's what he is accusing me of. That's what he's told the parenting evaluator, and I have to answer for my crime. I don't appreciate him.

Because of course that shows what a bad mother I am.

Only an NPD genius would think of saying that out-loud and expect to be taken seriously.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, November 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, I think you may recognize your original safety plan as the starting point for the thread that JJ started in Itips. I'm sure that those of us on the NPD Thread have some of the best safety and security tips. Ever.

For tonight's musical interlude, I have a wonderful tune dedicated to all of the assholes in our lives....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85gO8XLb4ug

Enjoy!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

woundedby2- Thank you!
That song is more perfect than you realize! :)

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jun 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, November 12th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really enjoyed that song. My inbox is stuffed with "proposals" from STBX trying to move back in here. I listened as I cleared out the inbox.

And as I put on my home alarm, just in case.

ps: I have a new attorney, as of tomorrow! He totally "gets" NPD and "high-conflict personalities." He accurately predicted STBX's behavior to date, and then predicted what he will probably do next. It isn't pretty.

But what a relief to have someone finally understand.

I might listen again before I go to sleep, so thanks again!

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 11:21 PM, November 12th (Monday)]


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If anyone's so inclined, get a "G" harmonica to play along with that...it's fun! LMAO!

I listened as I cleared out the inbox.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you enjoyed that song. A friend posted it on her Facebook, and as soon as I heard the first few lines, I knew I had to share it with Tribe.

CH -- keep strong. Ignore, delete, NC...

Take a peek at that safety thread. You will find some great suggestions on keeping your home and property secure. Make sure he can't gain access through the garage or basement . Lock up the side gates.

I'm glad you've found a seemingly good lawyer. Be sure he understands your need to feel safe and secure in your own home. Maybe he can get "exclusive use of the home" for you. The judge in my case put a clause in my temporary orders that said Assclown cannot enter my home; all child exchanges are to be done curbside. That clause was left in my permanent decree, and I love having it there.

And the caulk thing.... Just an observation that in the NPD garage, if there is one of an item, there are probably 3 or 4 or 7 of them. Mine had 4 of those large caulk guns and countless tubes of caulk and gunk. Lots of it unused! And electrical tape. I think I found 17 rolls of it.

eta: We've filled another NPD Thread with love and wisdom. I'll PM the mods to start us up a new one. Have a great day, everyone!

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 10:01 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
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