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User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome to the tribe starlightsky - love your name!

Do me a favor, ok? Hit the enter button to break it up - helps my old eyes!

I'm thinking about closure.

it has become a challenge for me to let go without closure

I'm pretty sure there's a lot of head-nodding at this one. What we eventually discover is that we find this within ourselves. When we realize any contact with our pets just leads to more pain, more hurts.
What choice do we have? NPDs give pain, that's about the only thing they're good at giving. Otherwise, their highly honed, best skill is to take.

Closure, for me, was a series of thudding booms of inward knowings. It filled my ears, my eyes, my gut. It was a certainty within me, drawn by years of painful crayons, sharpies more like...

I *just knew*.
It was painful, those times of listening and trying to fix the unfixable...but you know what?

The beautiful thing about it was having, really having some healing beginning in me when I realized...
it came from within (and the angels )

My "feel good about me" began when I got it from me only, and she had nothing to do with it.
I ain't stopped.
There's pretty much a party in my head all the time about it.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just now getting that jj. I am really starting to find it within myself. I know its best that way bc all narcs do is lie. It feels good to b able to talk about this unfortunate situation with people who can relate. Yes, it was hard once he was caught in the end &he could not just lie his way out bc this time I would not let it go without accountability, & that's when I was negative supply so my d&d began. So fast so cold I could not believe it. I feel so sad. Fixing the unfixable, yes that's what I tried to do..I'm tearing up now bc I've never felt safe talking about it. Noone knows why I had him leave. I will never tell them bc they won't understand. I am mourning many losses & focusing on my treatment, I just hate how cruel N' s are.

It's like jekyl& Hyde. U wonder where the man is u lived all these years went, then u have to accept he was just an illusion, the great Illusionist......):


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

starlightsky, I am so so sorry that you are dealing with the after effects of life with an NPD. It is very hard to accept that they will never change, they have no empathy, they are incapable of love and unremorsful.

My IC determine from his behaviors that he is NPD and a Sociopath. Mine had me so messed up that I thought I couldn't make it on my own. For 4 years I lived with his drunken rages. I finally left when he threatened to hit. Mine was also the golden child and his mother still spoils him rotten. I have found that while I miss being married I don't miss him anymore. It takes time but you will get to that point also.

No one deserves to be with and NPD, they wreak havoc on those of us who are unaware of their NPDism. They always start out as Mr. Wonderful and end up becoming Mr Horrible. My xwh was Mr. Wonderful to everyone but me. I once told him that if people knew the real him they would hate him and he agreed. It is really sad that they know this but continue to abuse us.

You are stronger than you think and I know this because you are raising your children, dealing with cancer and recovering from life with an NPD. Write down all the good things about yourself and tape them to mirror so you can see them everyday. Try to pamper yourself, get a mani pedi and maybe buy a new outfit that you really want. What were some of the things you couldn't due during your marriage? Go out and do them, Take Your Power Back.

My xwh wouldn't allow me to own a dog so after I left I found a sweet yorkie from an animal rescue. He always told me that I had to wear my hair long cause short hair made me look like a boy. So, I cut my hair short and I love it. I took my power back. You can too. Hugs to you. PM me any time and I will help you through this.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Learning who I am again!
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sovery, he was a passive aggressive somatic narcissist. He was the type that spoiled me & allowed me to do anything I wanted so he could hide his Mr. Hyde. After discovering it all in the end & exposing all I knew & expected accountability he started the d&d. B4 when I would find chats or txt messages that were sexual he would apologize bc I had no further proof of anything, so then it was easier for me to let it go bc i would have to c the truth, & for him bc he could keep it going. I wanted to believe him so we moved on & all was great for 3 yrs. Or so I thought then the discovery I couldn't let go. Once he knew that , he had someone lined up. He never yelled @ me or ever called me names. He was so great. Never treated me bad. Somatic narcissist have to find their NS through sex. They always need admiration & validation all the time. When I found out about somatic NS I felt glad I knew what it was that was happening. But I will say, the thing with him was when I found out I could not sleep bc I would be checking

His phone, computer. Emails. It was bad in the end. I found out he cheated a lot. I couldn't trust him @ work or to continue martial arts bc he always had to b with someone. I certainly couldn't keep him @ home so he couldn't see a female. Everytime he worked a new job or did anything alone he always found someone to admire & validate him.even 2 sometimes. So my relief is not going through the phone email & such. He won't change. To think he got some girl pregnant who has only known him a short time & he has an STD HPV...sad


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Savor he use to always cry & plea with me when I found out b4 but this time he just gave me the silent treatment & the kids too with no closure. He was soo cold. He moved on like we never existed...

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all - I think I need to join the tribe. Two therapists suggested NPD (after which he decided they were "idiots" and fired them) but I didn't really accept it because overall he is a pretty "nice" person but I've been reading up and realizing that he really does fit the criteria and I've had a serious case of blinders on about a lot of things.

Not sure what I'm going to do just yet - IC next Friday to talk it out and see where that takes me.

Cheers.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bwin, sorry ur here. Dont let them gaslight u. They r good @ that. They r in constant need of admiration & compliments to feed their egos bc they r insecure in themselves. They need validation constantly from anyone to feel good about themselves. sadly, if u ask for responsibility & accountability eventually they will.leave u bc , u r negative supply & r showing them their true self, imperfections &all & if u go against what they dont like to admit u r of no use. U play along with their fantasy of how great they r, or u will simply b replaced with someone who will. Its hurtful& the defect is with them never with u no matter what they say.read up on also healing from a narcissist relationship, it will help u understand how to begin to handle it bc it is very confusing &painful to deal with. Tonia evans website on narcissist & moving forward was helpful to me.once again sorry ur on here & I send u big hugs.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
surrender
♀ New Member
Member # 31577
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really feel like I'm going crazy. I'm having a really emotional night. Definitely been here before. I have read this NPD thread for months and I always really identify with what is being said here. I feel like I'm reading my own story alot ot times.
I divorced this jerk back in 2007 and now I'm back. What the hell was I thinking.

This is a guy who is a serial cheater, liar and minipulator. The pattern is that everytime his behavior clue me in on something and I call him out on it then I'm accused of being a crazy person that is just making up stories or I just want to control every move he makes. For years he has disrespected me in front of his family and talks about me to them and makes me out to be this jealous, controlling bitch that he is just miserable with. I cant count how many times he has called me a terrible mother...I dont clean the house good enough....I dont manage the money right, etc. Any time I threaten to leave its your not taking the kids and they have told me they dont want to be with you. He is just mean! He will bend over backwards for his friends.

About 6 months ago he took a job out of town which he told me he would never do again. Since he took this job he has changed over his direct deposit to another account he opened at least 5 or 6 times after an argument. He also had to get his own cell phone when he left his old company. I offered several times for him to just get on mine and our boys family plan but he would always just blow me off. Then all of a sudden he gets this new phone and tells me that his friend at work put him on his plan! Are you kidding?? How old are we?? He also was telling me that he was paying $400 a week for his hotel which I thought was way too much. So, finally about a month ago I called the hotel and checked and it was only $240 with taxes a week. When I confronted him his excuse was that he just didnt want to hear me bitch about the money he was spending on eating out because its so expensive. Please!! He said he was sorry and it wouldnt happen again but he was not remorseful about it at all and expects me to just shut up about it and get over it. Every time I suggest that me and the boys come up for a night it turns into a fight because he says its just a waste of money and that I just want to come up and check up on him. Like I told him. If I wanted to check up on you, I wouldnt tell you I was coming smart one!!Our biggest problem in our relationship is trust and he is still pulling this shit. I'm at the point where I dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth. There is alot more that I just dont have time to type and you dont have time to read.
I just feel like I'm going crazy! He and I have been together on and off for twenty years and its always like this. Of course when we arent together he wont leave me alone and cant live without me and when we are together he behaves like and idiot and in his mind I'm just this huge horrible bitch that makes his life miserable. I mean, god forbid I demand honesty and loyalty from him. What a bitch!! I just feel like screaming!!


BS - 38
H - 37
Three boys 15, 12 & 1
D - 10/2007
R - 10/2010
Red Flags - Our whole marriage
DD in the last 20 years - Lost count
Made the great escape 9/4/2012

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Surrender)))
I'm so sorry you are here. You know you are living in NPD world. I hope you have researched NPDs. It is a crazy and will only get better when you say enough.
You can't change them and definitely no reasonng with them because they are always right. ALWAYS !
Many do not want to lose their NPD feed they get from the BS. So you need to to end it. It is so hard when you realize that a NPD can't and didn't love you the way you thought they did.
Start the 180 and stick with it. No matter what. Very basic conversations about kids and money only.
Expect when you no longer are trying to keep his cheating ass, that he will get mean and angry.
It's a rough ride when leaving a NPD but so much better for you.
Hugs
gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 9:36 PM, September 1st (Saturday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, September 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Expect when you no longer are trying to keep his cheating ass, that he will get mean and angry.

After the brief "oh baby baby I love you only" phase.

That's why I'm a huge proponent of the "acting like I'm buying your shit" phase.

See, it buys you time to get your shit together without opposition, without the abusive storm you know is sure to come.

N's are crazy fucks. They're like fishermen, who put this great bait in the water...then they want to beat the crap out of the fish that doesn't bite.

Nibble. Keepem occupied while you plan your escape to deeper waters.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ThatMuchWiser
♀ New Member
Member # 36021
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was soo cold. He moved on like we never existed...

This really resonated with me, Starlightsky. This is what has been the hardest for me to deal with, the complete personality change, and the fact that it wasn't really a change, because this is this who they were all along. I don't know what was more horrifying, the idea that I turned a good man into a monster (which therapy has taught me is NOT the case), or that for years I mistook a monster for a good man. It's all very chilling, and really had me questioning my own judgment for a long time, but now I do believe that I am, as my moniker says, that much wiser!

Oh, and I too have an NPD/BPD parent, so like you I too found the dysfunction comfortably familiar (though of course I didn't know it was dysfunctional at the time, just comfortable and familiar).


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Wiser))) welcome!
I say be thankful you were dropped as an afterthought...as a used, and no-longer-useful toy.

Avoiding prolonged abuse, when they realize you're no longer supply is a win, imo.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ThatMuchWiser
♀ New Member
Member # 36021
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome, jjct!

Yes, I do feel thankful now, knowing what I now know. Bullet dodged!

I guess it's good to remember that they chose us because we possess those qualities—empathy, compassion—which they know are "valuable" but which they lack (and always will).

(Oh, one question: What is a zebra duck and where did it originate?)


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It started with the 3rd post down here:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=366254&AP=441&HL=

Notice too, that further on down that very page, caulk guns were brought in.
Since then, we've sorta adopted those things...like, we're the only thread on SI that has an official mascot, tool, and song.
We're SPATIAL!


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
starlightsky
♀ Member
Member # 32571
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That much wiser, it is like a real nightmare when we r just dropped without a thought. Especially after being married for so many years , as their spouse we would assume they would miss all thegood times we remember that make it difficult for us to move on
But sadly they don't even give a shit. I am having a bad day today. I woke up sad bc was the first anniversary . I am starting to realize the truth that he faked it all. Its sad bc I loved him soo much. Our children did too. They werent his biologically, but raised them for 8 years &was so involved, they called him dad. He was gonna adopt them. im starting to actually mourn that its really over. Im not handling it so well. I mean I really am crying bc I guess im accepting what ive been to stubborn to...he doesnt give a shit. He was the true illusionist. Im mad @ him. He left me with an std hpv bc he always was cheating. Its crazy I hate him & love him bc of the good memories I remembered all these years. Its an intetnal struggle with myself eith what I remember of the man I fell in love with & the man who really is. It hurts me soo much nc I didnt think I had to get my annual checkups bc I thought we were both faithful so I didnt get them for 3 years bc of our financial restrictions we could not afford health insurance so the std progressed cauding me to have cervicle cancer. Yes I take responsibility for letting my annuals go unchecked, but had he told me he was putting my health at risk by sleeping around, I wouldnt have put it off! But what wife thinks her husband isnt being faithful. Im pissef bc of that & the fact I wont have a choice to have children anymore, but he got his new girlfriend he had only been dating pregnant. She is 8 months, he has known her less than a year...she is giving birth to thee child he helped create , while he contributed too taking my ability away to do so...its to painful. I take care of me & my children first, but its hard when I go through the treatments bc everytime I go its a reminder how I got there. I get mad at me too bc I should have kept up with my health no matter what...i figured the worse part is that he is carrying yhe hpv strain & passing it bc he will never b faithful..i found out the hard way. I hate I still miss & love my old life sometimes...ugh..

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2011
surrender
♀ New Member
Member # 31577
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GMA,

Thanks for the support. You are so right about them getting mean and angry when they know that you aren't going to keep their cheating ass.

Like I said in my last post we have been having major problems because of his sneaking around and his pure bullshit ways. I have read several times about how the best way to deal with an NPD is too just act like your going along with his crap. I try and can at times but ultimately I'm just not wired that way.

This past Sunday we had an argument which was over really nothing and he used it as an excuse to escape and go get trashed with his brother. Later we exchanged some ugly texts which I ended because I was just tired of dealing with it. Several hours later out of the blue he shows up really drunk and I could tell by the look on his face that there was going to be trouble. He proceeds to go into our bedroom, holding our 1 year old, and picks up his shotgun and starts heading for the front door. I immediately went to grab the baby from him and told him that he was not going to fire that gun holding the baby! I took the baby and headed for the bedroom and he followed. He backed my into a corner screaming and yelling that he was the boss in our house and that I was just an unemployed bitch that didn't contribute anything. Of course I was terrified and crying and my baby was screaming and it didn't phase him at all. My older son came in and tried to calm him down which was just a bad idea. After he put a hole in the wall next to my head with the barrel of the shotgun he started in on my sons about how he pays for everything and that everything in our house is his and that if they go with me if I leave then he will no longer consider them his sons. During that time I was trying to find my phone and couldn't so I ran outside and was begging his brother to go in and get him away from the kids. His brother was so trashed he was standing around with his girlfriend acting like nothing was going on. Crazy!!
My husband then comes out with my laptop and my phone, throws then in the front yard and shoots them with the shotgun. All along he is yelling at me that I need to get the fuck out and that when he comes home in the morning I better be gone or I'm dead.

I was so enraged that my children were made to feel so terrified in their own home by one of people in their lives that is supposed to protect them. I took them to a hotel that night because we were all terrified to stay at the house. Needless to say I made the great escape. The next morning when I verified that he had left and gone back to his job out of town I went and rented a u-haul. That evening my parents came down and the next morning I had my house packed and loaded on the u-haul and by 12 noon we were headed out of town 4 hours away to our new home without anyone but my parents and my sisters knowing. I took every penny we had in savings and left.
It makes me sick to think that he didn't even attempt to contact the boys to apologize for what he had done. The only time he tried contacting them was when he figured out that I had taken all the money out of savings. Are you kidding?? How can someone be so sick? How could I have stayed with someone so long that is that fucked up??
When he found out that I took the money he sent me a text telling me that he was on his way home and that I better have all my shit out by the time he got there. Well, I guess the joke was on him.
I already receive child support for our two oldest because we were already divorced but I am contemplating filing on him for our youngest because I don't trust him. If I file that means he will get visitation. My boys or I have not talked to him since the night he freaked out and I don't even know how to go about that. He does have visitation rights to see the boys. Everything is kind of a fog right now and I know it will get a little more clear every day.

Sorry such a book. Lots of anxiety today.


BS - 38
H - 37
Three boys 15, 12 & 1
D - 10/2007
R - 10/2010
Red Flags - Our whole marriage
DD in the last 20 years - Lost count
Made the great escape 9/4/2012

Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surrender, Please call a women's shelter or domestic hotline. They can help you file whatever you need to do. He is out of control and there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make it better only worse.
I'm so relieved to hear you have left, do NOT go back for any reason. He is dangerous.
Stay safe and big hugs
gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're here for you (((surrender)))

Please report everything to the police.
Get advice and counseling from a shelter.
File for a PO - county courthouse.
Get legal representation.
Involve the authorities.

Have the authorities come down on him like the heavy hand of judgement.
Don't go anywhere near him - stay away.

With all that he did?
Sole custody, child support, and supervised visitation.
His DV ass actually belongs in jail.


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surrender,
Please file a police report about that incident.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this craziness, but so glad you are out and with family.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surrender,
File a police report about that incident.
Please do it asap. Make it a priority.

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jun 2012
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