Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wont:
How did you survive deposition when stbxnpd was across the table?

cg:

xanax

Funny you should mention that cg. I was going to reply to that earlier, but the prospect of mediation, and the fact that my L answered; "Yes.", when I asked if I have to see her, sorta occupied my resources, kwim?

I don't know if the rulez of deposition are different than mediation, but here's what I did. 2 days ago.

Arrive at mediation center an hour early. Pop a xanax in the car. .5mg - small dose.
Waiting area is empty - shew! - wave a guy from the back over, introduce myself and ask; "Can I be in a separate room?"
Him:
"Why?"
Me: after discarding screaming BECAUSE I WANT ONE! as an option, I settle on; "It's like having to face your abuser..."
Him: (eyes changing to understanding) "Sure, this way."

(sorry L, you were WRONG)

L arrives, game-plan cemented, Mediator arrives, kvetchs a bit, gently, @ separate rooms; "It'll slow the process down, etc..."
Me: "Sorry, no." (I am not giving up my little private, detached hill!)

2 hrs. later...I had scheduled the morning off, not 4 hours from 10 - 2! - I have to get back to work. So I tell the mediator I have to leave. My side had arrived at "final offer/take it or leave it" stage by then...
(mediator comes back and tells me he told her I'm leaving...I'm grrrr...he says he had to - o well).

Later in the afternoon, email from L.
Says she signed!
(a couple small wrinkles to be smoothed, nbd)
Agreement can be rescinded by either party by Aug. 31st.

27 days...need some finger-crossin mojo from you guys!

I like to think the fact
- that I successfully obtained no contact - NONE
&
- that I actually "left the building"

Sent her the message; "I'm done." (seasoned with just the right amount of 'abandonment' don't you think?)
& sealed the deal.
At least for now.

Lesson:
Unless it's a legal requirement that you occupy the same room - request, and insist on separate rooms. You'll be dealing with gripes about inconvenience - to them.
I say, stand your ground.

Onward TRIBE!!!!!!!!


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 5th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh crap...

So, its been a year since D and I'm starting to think about dating. I have a couple of potential men on the dating horizon which is why I have a sparked interest in dating (which I honestly thought would never happen!) and I'm proud of myself for coming so far along in my healing.

One I met at a party and he kept coming over to me then at the end of the evening asked me out. Since I don't know him at all, I put him off. I'll see if anything comes of that at a later time.

The second I have HUGE crush on. We have nearly everything in common (humor, interests, movies, philosophy on life, etc) and it doesn't hurt that he has a body that is shockingly fit. no, seriously. I almost tried to sneak a photo of him when he was shirtless a couple of times (in a totally appropriate environment to be shirtless, of course)... but I'm wondering if he has NPD potential. It's that whole "we have everything in common" that has me wondering. The "too-good-to-be-true" that was the start of my ex's pattern. He seems kind and caring (and told me about his volunteering with kids, which is the fastest way to get to my heart) but I know that could be classic NPD - you know how they find your weaknesses and say whatever you want to hear to get you ensnared in their web? My ex gave the whole "I love kids" and played the "see how caring I am? game" while we were dating too, and I feel for it completely, only to find out years later that he doesn't really care about children, or anyone (other than himself)

I have an NPD parent and grew up with all that crap, and I read that I am really really prone for have NPD partners as they are attracted to my personality (empathy and kindness) and I am attracted to theirs (passion and energy, and drive), and I will put up with their crap because it feels normal to me (Something that would have been helpful to know BEFORE I got married).

Maybe all this confusion is a sign I'm not ready to date??
I read that "seeing NPD everywhere" is part of stage 5 (coming to terms) out of 6 (true recovery: aka not caring anymore) in healing... so maybe I'm almost there!

So now I know this, what do I do with this info to protect myself (and my sanity!) as I dip my toe in the dating pool?


Edited for typos

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 10:48 AM, August 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Phoenix,

I read that "seeing NPD everywhere" is part of stage 5 (coming to terms) out of 6 (true recovery: aka not caring anymore) in healing... so maybe I'm almost there!

I think I'm still too early in the recovery phase to help advise you, so I hope some veterans will come along. certainly I am at stage 5 above, and cannot see ahead to a time when I will not be hypervigilant about NPD, even though I understand its incidence in the population is apparently at quite a low percentage. If stage 6 is 'not about caring anymore', I cannot currently see a way of getting to that stage - can anyone further along help explain what that looks and feels like?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys...

What I wanna know is where the F do I find the explanation of these stages. I am having one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong, and I want to know where I am in this process of whatever the hell this sh** is, so I can see if I'm anywhere at ALL.

Don't even ask what's going on. Life sucks, and I'm not ready to deal with it right now. I want answers. And the "I'm an NPD magnet" tattoo remover. PLEASE.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt

Here is the link to the stages of NPD recovery. Its just one view point but I think it makes a lot of sense

http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic39399.html

I also need some "NPD magnet" remover too. Think it comes in a bottle?


Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sohurt and phoenix))) I think that sometimes you just have to jump back into the dating pool... BUT, unless you've done the work on cleaning yourself up, you will more than likely attract another disordered individual. I think the key is stability, because disordered people will pounce on any hint of weakness. They go looking for the chinks. I would personally advise that you be emotionally and financially stable before even thinking about dating again, and be wary of KISA-types. Beyond that, just have your shields up, and your spidey senses tingling. It takes time.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhoenixRisen,

Thanks for that link. It kind of described my life. I'm in the beginning of stage 5.


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay this is probably a stupid question but
what are KISA-types?

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be nice if the magnet remover came in a bottle, but it comes in your mind.
Once you recognize how your attraction is related to your Foos,
you can work to control the pull.

I think it's great you're "there" - ready to go another relationship round. I think it's wonderful, and I am happy for you!

Keep your 'wiser self' dialed in, stay in touch with those things that you've learned about yourself. (& NPD)
It will help dampen the tingle of the (sadly, blinding) crush & help you see what is really real.
Crush and tingle feel good they're pow er ful! Just remember the pain of mask-removal is greater. It will help.

- How does he treat others who are unimportant to him? Waiters, cabbies, Walmart cashiers? ( )
- How does he talk about others? His past relationship(s)?
- Somewhere, there's an open-ended question particular to your sitch; how does he feel about dot dot dot? Is he in touch with his feelings? Confusing? Can go either way, sitting the fence with an either-or stance?
Lacking empathy?
(Try to pick a neutral sitch, one he'd have difficulty knowing - and mirroring how you'd feel and act)

- take it slow now, so you can dodge bullets quickly later

- your gut. Trust.
(that might be the most important of all)

Tingle is tangle when it's not controlled.
Turned to true beauty
it's a sight to behold.


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Phoenix. I think I'm nearly through 5, on my way to 6. Obviously, I'm not there, yet. Thank God I'm SOMEWHERE near done. And no, I don't think the remover comes in a bottle. We can wish, I suppose.

Veritas, I'm thinking I don't wanna take a chance. Not now, and maybe not ever. It just isn't worth it to me. I don't know how likely it is I'll ever be able to let my hair down again... there are WAY too many of them and other monsters out there, and you don't even have to invite them to read the stupid tattoo. They just DO.

So obviously, there is either something about me that is still damaged enough to show clearly, or I live in a place populated with monsters. I can't decide which it is, and frankly, today I don't give a rat's behind. All I know is I may slap the next man who dares talk to me.

KISA = Knight In Shining Armor, otherwise known as TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Beware. Mine sure as he** was.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay how bad is this? (2 x 4s please)
Start a relationship with someone who may be N, only to go in knowing that, so you ride that gloriously wave of infatuation until the mask starts to lift then you are comfortable to jump ship??

Isn't that the same as (educated) casual dating?


Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I survived depositions nicely. Didn't look at him until he walked across my line of vision. He said "it didn't have to be like this" and I said you didn't have to f her.

I tried to remain calm,, gave answers that shot his attorney down and things idiot had said earlier. I had all my stuff ready and onelittle email he sent 6 months ago shot him down.

I looked everywhere and at everything but him. He is the same pathetic loser I was married to. He just forgot I never throw out anything or forget anything of any importance. I threw him out with the trash.

Read some interesting stuff about him today. There were traits I didn't even know existed, but fills in the other npd traits I thought weren't there.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PhoenixRisen,

*sigh* If you are thinking anything along these lines:

Start a relationship with someone who may be N, only to go in knowing that, so you ride that gloriously wave of infatuation until the mask starts to lift then you are comfortable to jump ship??

Isn't that the same as (educated) casual dating?

THEN

You are NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready to date that guy or any other guy! An emotionally healthy person would never consider such a thing.

I understand why you might think like this. As previously mentioned, we're 'conditioned' to be attracted to this. It's recognizing that attraction to drama (and danger) and turning it into repulsion that you need to work on before you move forward and date. If not, you'll seek out more of the same and nobody here wants to see you do that.


Posts: 10973 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done, Wont.

I feel so proud of you all when I read of these courtroom victories - and love when justice prevails and a diminutive NPD slinks out of the courtroom defeated having been brought down to size.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wont))) Yay! You did it! I don't think I have looked my N in the face for a while. They all say the same things, too; mine said that several times toward the end, usually right after he tried to screw me over. Good for you!

SoHurt: you will get there, one day. I promise. :) You've probably forgotten how strong N's come on and how utterly charming they can be. You can't avoid being hit on by N's; they cast a very wide net. But you've done one important thing: you have the power to toss them back! Keeping him wasn't an option once you saw how he really was. That's very good.

PR: If you're going to play with guys, why not play around with normal ones? Not only are you playing chicken with your life when you take up with an N, but also with your sanity. You're trying to get a do-over, and it usually turns out very badly. Consider yourself lucky.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're trying to get a do-over

wow.
I hadn't thought of that but i think you are right.
I'm not ready
I think Ill upgrade my cable package instead or take up jogging, or travel...

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2012
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
It has been along time sense I have posted on this thread. But, I keep reading here and post alot in D/S.
I want to thank you all for helping me!
On Aug 15th I will be moving out of the house into my own apartment. Even through this is not how I thought all this would turn out nor did I want this I know it is for the best for me and my kids.
Alot has been going on, I truly think it is over with his AP but I know it may start again or he is fishing for a new one.
He feels this is best thing ever, he feels he will be coming over, and all that crap. As for you who know his mom was sick with cancer and we took her in and took care of her and then she has past in June. I think his world is spinning and he is losing everyone but does seem to be okay with it all on the outside.
We have been getting along pretty well, but he is still stating we are doing this because we didn't get along before the A. But, as I told him for me it is because of the 3 year A and the rejection and mistreatment of me. He will never understand what he did to me, and I don't think he wants to. That would be to much.
One thing, that I am fustrated with is he promised me to help with a new bed and some money but now he is going back on that. I told him that is fine I will not beg for him to help and do what is right. He is starting to get mad at me the closer it gets to the move, because he now has all the mortgage to pay and is wanting me to pay half when he told me not to worry about it because I had to come up with all this money to move. I am getting PISSED because once again, it is all about him!
He wants to help me move also, what is that about? I know he wants to keep tabs on me now and try to keep me on a string, while he searches for his perfect woman. Because as he states "You will be so suprise at the woman I get" it will not be a Ho like OP and I will be happy again.
This hurts of course but I don't show it. I was a great wife, and my actions were reactions from how I was mistreated. He does not understand that.
Anyways, I hope in time I just don't give a shit anymore. I hope I come out of this better then ever.
And I want to thank you all so much for your words!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FwL))) Moving out is an awesome start to getting away from the drama of living with an N. It will get easier once he's out of your face, and hopefully, out of your ears. He's still married, but talking about finding the perfect woman? In looking at my own NPDx, um, no. Water rises to its own level; that's why we couldn't make it. Any decent woman and most of the crazy ones won't last long either because he had become too complacent in his "power;" his true colors will be flying on the freak flag for all to see. And by the time you get beyond giving a shit, you'll just do what I do now: snort, shake your head, and laugh.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

V... as usual, you are right. It took little time to see through this pig, and to toss him back. I feel really good about that, actually, because the bait he was using is normally very attractive to me. However, I refused to bite, because I could see him clearly, and don't want any part of it. So yeah, I guess I did pretty good. Thanks for the pat on the back. I needed that. I don't feel quite so angry, this morning. I'm snorting and shaking my head.

(((((Tribe))))) I don't know what I'd do without the collective wisdom of your minds, and the support of your arms. Sheesh, it's a crazy world out there.

Thanks for the hugs, info and advice you're all always giving me.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 7th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm snorting and shaking my head.

A high class filly methinks you are, So Hurt.

((hug))


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.