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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 14th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

v, you scare me sometimes.

openly express admirations for other people, including family members and children

Family members? Really?
The answer is YES> a resounding YES!

We could tell - we HAVE told many stories of the other points you made, but here's mine on that point.

I was accused of an unnatural affection for my nieces (my brother's daughters - 4 of them). Going "on and on" @ how cute they were, etc.

Please. Total bullshit.

Turns out, her 1st H - who I met ONCE, told me the story of how he caught her seducing (& who knows what else?) an underage boy.

It was juicy, I'll spare the details, but I now have a RULE.
Whatever they accuse you of, they are guilty of.

As hard as that is to wrap your mind around, it would benefit you to do so SOONEST.

I don't care how weird or outlandish it is.

Took me a long while to read when I first got on here, but it would benefit noobs to read here:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=196693&AP=981

When your jaw drops, we'll be here to catch it friends.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome RebuildingMe.

Well, it certainly sounds like you're dealing with an NPD. So many of the things you mentioned are exactly like my XNPDH behaved. I could never voice my concerns or hurt feelings to him. No matter how gently I would try to deliver the message, he would always turn it all around and make it about me being somehow horrible and insensitive to him.

And the double life? Totally. Serial cheating? Very common with NPD's. And if you catch them, they will say everything you want to hear in a very convincing manner, and then carry on with what they were doing. The only changes they make are with the way they were caught. If it was by an email, they give you their passwords, but open another secret email. If it's the cell phone, they simply get another cellphone and have the bill sent somewhere else.

They don't get better, they can't be fixed. From what I have gathered, they get worse with age.

You need to be concerned with what he has / is exposing you to if he is meeting people for sex on Craig's List.

You sound like most when they discover their partner is NPD. First it's a combination of shock and relief. Shock because it's so severe and relief because for so long you've probably known that something was wrong and finally there is a name.

And most know they need to leave, but can't. It takes time. You need to work through your thoughts and feelings. Post here. We can help you.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not too proud to say I'm scared.

Lord help me. Please!!

Okay ((TRIBE)) I need prayers.

STBXN was served Monday. The "processor" was so afraid of my safety he called someone. Then My attorney called me. She wouldn't say what was said but did tell me the processor followed him back to my home.

N gets so furoius if I go somehwere. He DEMANDS my every move.

Lastnight our DD was talking to on the phone and she said, 'OMG mom Dad is crazy". I felt so bad for her. I told her that was the reasons I kept so much from her. SHe always thought I was mad at her. Cuz dad was sooooo sweet and doting. I finally told her that he would text her to "call your mother and tell her you love her because she is hurting."

DD thought I was hung up on the affair. I'm not. I'm hung up on getting out of this alive.

Tuesday I have the first court hearing. I am petrified.He isn't going to do well with anything said. Even if it's not in my favor.

So 9am Central time...please please say a prayer for me.

Thanks ((TRIBE))


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ontilt there are definitely different levels of severity with all mental health disorders- from just having some traits to being completely dysfunctional as a result of the illness. My WH is at the milder end of the spectrum. This makes him harder to spot as a narcissist and easier to live with. But I think this actually makes it harder for me in some ways. He is well behaved most of the time and is really great at positive impression management. He believes his own bullshit and seems very sincere/vulnerable/victimized. It leaves me (and his ex wife too) feeling like there is something wrong with us. We are the problem. We are crazy or irrational or overly emotional.

I'm still trying to find my way. But so far what is helping me is to remember what he is and isn't capable of. I have to let go of my need for him to show me real compassion or empathy. He can't. I think he would if he could. He isn't a bad person, just a pathologically selfish person. I'm trying to focus on the parts of our relationship that work. We work well on household projects well. He has an interesting job and he likes to talk about it and I like to hear about it. I just can't expect him to want to hear about me or what I do/think/feel. If I want that kind of connection (and I do) I have to find this somewhere else. That is the part I am still working on. I need to be more diligent about connecting and reconnecting with friends and family. I hope my WH can handle this. I try to pitch it to him in a way that makes him feel good about it. But it is scary for me to do this because I'm still scared that he will use this as an excuse to have another A. And then blame me of course.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((2__4))) praying for you and your safety.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2_4, do you have someone who can go with you to court? You need moral support in court as well as a place to focus when answering questions. I took my daughter and it helped me a lot. She sat with me while we waited for our turn and then my atty requested that I be allowed to wait in a side room as stbx was giving me evil stares and they know I am afraid of him.

When asked questions I looked at my daughter and not his attorney so I didn't actually see him. My stbx tried to talk to me before court and it caused me to break down. Take a friend or family member with you so you have support before, during and after court. You have no idea how exhausting a 2 hour court session with an NPD can be. You are in my prayers and will be until after this is all over for you. hugs sweetie.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2_4giving,

I don't know when central time is, but will be thinking of you, sending strength and mojo or the next week.

We're all with you and behind you. Imagine us there, a whole phalanx of us, holding your hand.

(((hug)))


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD's only care about themselves and they insist on their partner only caring about "them" too.

That comment is dead-on right!


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
2_4giving4_2long
♀ Member
Member # 34008
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 15th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ((TRIBE))

HUGS to V, Sovery and Edie.


Me 52
He 49
DDay 11/06/11
Married 23 years
2 adult children.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Nov 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 16th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2_4, I'll be with you on Tuesday if you'll be with me on Wednesday. (We need a scared shitless icon.)

I hear you, and I know where you're at. (The others have already been there, for the most part!) I have times of absolute surety that everything will be fine and go right where they should, then the rest of the time, I have to admit to abject fear of his ability to lie convincingly. It's the worst thing in the world, at this point, to roller coaster back and forth. I can deal with a lot, but that back and forth is too much, sometimes.

Just know that the (((((Tribe))))) is behind us every step of the way. It's taken me a lot of courage, and I know it has for you, too. But we will get through this together, as a group, a family. These people are the greatest.

Believe me, I adore our Tribe. We are with you! (We also need heart icons.)

Hang in there, honey. We do things as a family around here.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 16th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Tribe)))) and best wishes to everyone -- especially those of you heading into court.

I am praying for the best possible outcomes for you. Please be cautious and extra vigilant. The stalking and assclownery can really ramp up when they get their backs to the wall.

Be strong and be safe. We are all rooting for you!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 16th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((2_4)) I'll be in your pocket on Tuesday!

I have a question: Does anyonme have any thoughts on the differences between Borderline Personality Disorder and NPD?

I am working on my "divorce plan" and am trying to figure out how to deal with him with the least amount of fallout.

So far he's done everything I've asked from moving out, to being remorseful, quit drinking (he says), and is giving me & the kids 11/12th of his salary. I am not rocking the boat and am giving him a hard 180, which he's taking like a man.

I think he's trying to work another honeymoon cycle on me but I don't care anymore but I don't want to rock the boat until the exit plan is complete.

So, how can we tell the difference or does it really even matter once we've gotten to this point with a PD?


Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 17th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, WB2. It's really good to have this (((((Tribe))))) to count on.

MyR, I don't have any real answer for you, but my guess is - and take this with a grain of salt, because I don't know nearly as much as most of the others - that there isn't much difference, really, in how you deal with them. I could be wrong, and I hope you wait to hear from the others. I haven't read as much about BPD as NPD.

As for myself, the update is that the monster has NOT retained an attorney. He spilled to someone who told me... he is hoping to sell more cars in time to get the money. So that cuts my tension about Wednesday down by a long way. If he asks for another continuance, I am going to ask the judge to make him prove he has an attorney that can't show up in court. I don't know if a judge would do that, but he does know the attorney in question, and I'm sure that could be handled with one phone call from his bench.

And the other pieces of news that gives me pleasure: The same friend told me also that the monster was approached by a man while sitting in the car with the For Sale signs in the windows a day or two ago. The man was outraged and called the monster several names and explained that he knew the car, because it had been his daughter's, so he knew the problems with it, which is why she had to sell it. He berated him for paying less than half of what he was asking for it, without doing the work to make it worth that much. Then he walked away. While the monster was telling that friend about it, he had the nerve to bitch about the starter going out, so that he had to use a hammer on it to get it running. He obviously does not see the irony.

While the friend was here telling me the info on the attorney not being retained, the monster called him. So we all got to listen to his conversation on speakerphone. He said he was sitting in the car that's for sale, in the Walmart parking lot right then, and there was a suspicious woman who drove by staring at him. She then parked behind him, and began going through a bunch of paperwork. Then she got on the phone, and continued to stare at him. This made the monster very nervous, and he was going to move down the road to a gas station to see if she followed him.

I have a feeling the monster's illegal car selling is about to bite his ass big time. And if that proves true, he may not be *ahem* available on Wednesday. I'm not getting my hopes up, but that stack of paperwork and forgery practice I have sitting here will be handed over to the authorities, if that is the case. I'd like nothing better than to have this all come back on him in a huge way... he's earned it.

Anyway, that's what's going on here. I feel quite relieved that the attorney was a lie, as I suspected, and that perhaps justice will be done, even if only in some small measure.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 17th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question: Does anyonme have any thoughts on the differences between Borderline Personality Disorder and NPD?

so far as i can tell, the difference between BPD and NPD is pretty much internal. their outward behavior is very similar.

their internal dialogue is what is different. they both have serious abandonment issues, but a BPD will sacrifice their personality and sense of self to be in a relationship. once you leave they panic because you have taken their sense of self away from them.

an NPD has no desire to cultivate a sense of self. their focus in a relationship is purely to find adulation and admiration. once you either no longer do that for them, or conversely prove that you will put up with them no matter what, they often become contemptuous of you and either set out to destroy you or drop you like a hot potato.

[This message edited by veritas at 12:59 PM, June 18th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, June 18th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I see a distinction in terms of stability - NPD are consistent (even if masking that), and BPD inconsistent, and more chameleon-like, as you suggest.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, June 18th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did read somewhere that NPD's have the emotional maturity of 6-year-olds and BPD's of 3. so they both throw tantrums; it's just that one is more calculated?


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 18th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

V,
From what I understand, BPD is more common with women. The characteristics are very similar as far as the lying, using, scheming, having affairs, etc. But with the BPD, they tend to be more "clingy" and very insecure outwardly. Where the NPD is insecure inwardly, but comes off very confident and very sure of himself. Most NPD's aren't "clingy" either. They are users, but one victim is as good as the next. BPD's are very dramatic, "I can't live without you, I'll kill myself if you leave me" type statements are common all while sleeping with her husband's best friend.

Hope this helps.

Lots of hugs and prayers to all of you dealing with recent separations and upcoming court hearings. Stay safe and keep positive.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it. I told him I'm done. Unfortunately it was his birthday but....circumstances being what they were, I had to do it today. He tried to get me to change my mind, for what I don't know....in the past week he has told me that I'm "doing a shitty job", and then that I am " a shitty old lady".(old lady meaning wife) Sigh. I would like to fast forward through these next few months. I am slightly worried about him coming home in the middle of the night....but I don't think he will. He is very vindictive and did spend time in jail for murder but I think he will go like last time I left and cut all contact with me what so ever.
Anyways.....wish me luck.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 19th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dawn, please tell him no more information. Please.
Put on a clown costume if you have to. Walk naked in public.
But please please PLEASE! Tell no more.
Tell us instead.
In your sitch, just "do" (get tha fuck AWAY).
(((Tribe)))

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 20th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, he isn't talking to me at all. Won't discuss giving me money, the kids, where the hell I will live in 10 days when this lease is up...........nothing. He did tell our son that he is "just away out of town for business" and he'll "be home in a few days". So I was forced to tell my son the truth, because he was upset and not understand why his dad was working away. Then later, my son calls his dad again and my WS flat out LIES to our son and says "we didn't split up, I'm just out of town"!! What is THAT? My sisters are worried about it, but....Im pretty sure he is just in denial or something. Or trying to somehow make ME look like the bad guy. I really dont know. What do you guys think.


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
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