She said she could not turn off the voice in my head that the npd freak had left me with ( you know - the self-doubt, feelings of ugliness etc) but she would help me turn it down.
I know that voice. I have gotten strong enough to argue with that voice, but not with complete confidence. I will sometimes just as you say, turn down the volume, forcibly shut it down and walk away.
Sounds a lot like "crazy" and that is the voice again. "You know you are crazy. I covered for you when you had your breakdowns so the kids would not see/be disappointed, blah blah..."
Yeah, the voice is there. The biggest thing for me is that I don't hear MY voice anymore. It is less self doubt and more a lingering residual HIS doubt and that is easier to reject.
Some days the whole process overwhelms me and the sadness at the time I have invested/wasted with him and more time invested/not wasted in HEALING makes me sooooo sad...
Working at claiming Mother's Day as a voice free day.
It's been a while again. I got caught up on the thread, and it sounds like a couple of you all are having a bit of rough in your days. I hate that these jerks can do so much damage and not feel bad about it at all. It's a bad day all around when you deal with an NPD, for sure.
We've been making some good progress. I got my youngest to agree to IC, and he had his first session. He was really nervous, but by the time it ended, he was glad he went, and is eager to continue! YAY!
The great thing about this lady is that she specializes in two important areas: kids and PD's! She is in the same office as my IC, and my son and I are in agreement that they can and should work together to help us better. You can guess how great that makes me feel.
So in his session, I was there for the first bit of it. She asked him who he felt safest with, and he said, "Mom." Anyone else? "No." Though he said later that he does feel safer with the brother we live with. And when she asked if there were other people he might want to bring in with him, he said just one: the same brother! So the bond between them is growing, and it was good to see the smile on my other son's face when I told him he was invited to be involved. That made him feel pretty good. He's become very protective of his little brother.
Anyway, I start back to IC on the 15th, and we're both going to go weekly. I am so excited for my son, because she told him he has the right to refuse to go on visitations. He SO needed to hear that from someone else. He was happy about that, too.
So all in all, we are doing pretty well, considering. And the evidence is mounting against the monster, so that makes me feel even better. He is going to be so shocked when all this comes into court. He really thinks he is invincible... but that cape isn't going to protect him from what's coming.
And things in this house are PEACEFUL, for the first time. That, alone, is priceless. There are no arguments, no yelling, no ANYTHING but love and peace. What a difference it's made, just having him OUT. There's still a long way to go, but we are firmly on the path of healing and ending his reign of terror.
I believe the lies are about control. If they can keep the truth from you then they are in control of the situation and you. The lies of omission are so that can keep one piece back from you and have it as power over you. It is another form of abuse.
It has been a long journey. I too have not been here in a while because I can really see myself moving on and Some of this feels more like a bad memory in my past.
It is a very nice place to be. Life is still a struggle at times but more because life is hard than because I am married to a psycho. The divorce was worth every penny and more.
Good to see you all doing well.
To those who have just joined, it gets so much better when you can leave them behind and make a life for yourself with a zebra-duck around.
[This message edited by lied2 at 4:52 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Ya'll were so right
I don't think he realized he was giving me as much insight as he did. What he really told me was that if I knew the truth, I would have some control over my own life, and he didn't want that. He wanted to have it all. I might want to know more, or want a divorce, or want couples counseling... any number of things HE might not want me to have. Knowledge is power, and that is the one thing WE are not allowed to have.
The NPD MUST HAVE IT ALL.
ETA: I forgot to add: My son dropped that girl that almost caused so much trouble! She miscarried, (if she was actually pregnant, he had NO confirmation of it at all,) and he discovered she'd been going out on him all along - so the baby, if there was one, may not even have been his. So she's history, and I'm thankful for that. She was SO not the one for him. We talked about it, and he's glad it worked out this way. HE realizes she is not the one for him, too. He learned a very valuable lesson, and one I hope he doesn't have to learn again.
And the monster actually thought I might want to spend Mother's Day with HIM. No, thanks... I think I'll spend it with my boys, having fun!
[This message edited by SoHurt at 7:01 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]
I am a little surprised and react with genuine concern. DS's first response is that he is crying because his life sucks because 1. we can't afford our pets (misunderstanding from a convo earlier this week) 2. dad left us and 3. his brother picks on him.
I cleared up the pet issue, reassured him our pets aren't going anywhere. I said I LOVED our life and gave many examples of our life full and happy and worth celebrating. And I said I'd talk to his brother... again.
DS left and continued crying downstairs.
When I got downstairs I hugged him. He sobbed, "Why did Dad leave us?"
I said, "Well, that is a good question and I have been waiting two years for you to ask. So I have done a lot of thinking about it." I went on with reassurances that it was nothing we did, him, his brother or me. That we are awesome, the best ever. That sometimes people are broken, dissatisfied, make terrible mistakes. I even said that I suspect dad knows how terrible a mistake he made because he misses the awesomeness that is us and what we do and share. The reassurance that it wasn't our fault seemed to calm him. The broken part was considered? but the mistake part brought fresh tears...
I hugged and rubbed his back.
Then he says very quietly. You know when I woke up at 4am? um, no. DS (who has had bad dreams pretty regular in times of stress) admits to having a bad dream. Usually he doesn't want to talk about them but if he does they are pretty standard monsters from a movie trailer that frightened him or wild animals chasing him.
So he admits out of the blue about this bad dream, and follows immediately with "I dreamed daddy killed you" and starts sobbing all over again.
OK. I had my own fears about this early on. Long time ago. Not so much now.
I don't react. I rub his back. I say how terrible a dream that must have been. I ask if he's afraid it could come true.
DS shakes his head "yes because daddy gets so angry at you." ?? I don't know what I have done recently to make him "so angry" except finally get a CS order.
I fumble through some sort of reassurance that daddy isn't stupid and doesn't want to go to prison which doesn't sound reassuring to me and DS isn't convinced that his dad cares about prison from the look on HIS face.
What the hell could I say?
Add to this that DS brought me this invitation earlier today.
DAD has tickets to such and such game. He said he could come pick us up and take us if we wanted to go. And you could come too if you want.
WTF? I have the kids for Mother's Day weekend and some sort of quasi family "date" is not on my agenda. No ho way.
Too much weirdness. Way too much.
[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 9:24 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]
But then, what do I know? After telling me he is through with that girl, guess what he does? He goes and gets her, nearly an hour away, and on the way back, blows his spare tire out. So the BBQ at my oldest's house is off tomorrow, and the fun day I was going to have is now going to include staying home with HER.
So take anything I say with a serious handful of salt, and listen to someone else. Apparently, I know less than nothing.
He did poke his head through my door and mouth at me, "We'll talk later." What the hell he could say to explain this situation is beyond me.
But so much for Mother's Day.
He texted her during the ceremony to say congratulations and explain he did not come because he didn't want to ruin the day?
Come on now....thousands of people in a college stadium? I guess he would have been center stage? Go figure.
Then the attorney because thia asshole prick wants to play games. Timing is everything well his timing isn't mine.
I have a computer security program inside the house. I put a deer camera behind the woods, I have my gun locked and loaded. I carry one with me. (I live in a conceal/carry State)
His little plan...omg..anyway his little plan toplay like he did last summer with his ow is going to be a bigger cat and mouse game with these 2. Her b/f is super duper jealous and the baby of a great big tobacca chewin family. I don't know why that made we laugh.
But I have question..
Do NPD'S hang out with other NPD'S ? I ask this because the people he calls friends are all lonely, old, well some are young, loss people. It's as if they all have the same issues.
Happy Mother's Day to all you Mom"S out there.
That is very quick! Already filing, wow! I kep my fingers crossed that everything goes as smoothly as possible. Stay firm and strong!
BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
Divorced, final 03/12
The family date invite? Well, it was an event that the kids wanted to attend so we went and took a neighborhood kid too. We sat on the lawn and had a good time. ........turns out, Stretch was there the whole time, twenty feet behind us (so he gleefully told older DS on the phone today as he critiqued a free style dance during halftime performed by my younger for the pure pleasure of it)
I am totally creeped out by this! I never saw him. Kids didn't either. He didn't speak. Just what? lurked behind us? ugh, icky!
Best wishes for the tribe today. (((hugs)))
"Well, that is a good question and I have been waiting two years for you to ask. So I have done a lot of thinking about it." I went on with reassurances that it was nothing we did, him, his brother or me. That we are awesome, the best ever. That sometimes people are broken, dissatisfied, make terrible mistakes. I even said that I suspect dad knows how terrible a mistake he made because he misses the awesomeness that is us and what we do and share.
You were honest, you were fair, you were reassuring, and everything that you said was age-appropriate. You did such a good job.
Second, the nightmare. I don't like that nightmare one bit. I am a very rational person, very literal-minded, and I don't get scared very easily. But since D-Day, I've been afraid that my STBX might kill me. I know, it sounds nuts. But several of my best friends have worried about it too. So I am beginning to believe that we all have these funny little instincts that sound absolutely crazy in the daylight, but which contain some truth, some warning that could save our lives. Or maybe our spouses don't really intend to kill us, but they could hurt us in a million other devastating ways. I bet this is what your son senses.
I hate that your STBX lives so near to you. I know you're very cautious, but please be careful.
Third, I am completely FREAKED OUT by the fact that Stretch did not come forward and say hello to his own children, but instead observed them from a distance. Did you son ask why he didn't come and say hi?
It worries me. Please take good care of yourself.
I found this blog and wanted to share. Makes me feel a little less nuts:
NPD brought his AP over from the Philippines last Sept and they married (I wasn't totally surprised) She's 23 and he's 53
DS18 has met her, DD15 has been avoiding her father since before Christmas, always having as excuse not to see him (some legit, other times, she planned time with friends knowing he wanted to see her). XNPDH calls the kids almost daily, asking them what they did and then proceeds to tell them what all he did that day, movie, work out, go out to dinner, travel with his job, etc...)
He always asks DD what he can buy her, and DD seems to always have a list for him It hurts me that I can't always provide the exra stuff that he so readily provides
A week ago, XNPDH offered his new sports car to DS18 to take his date to the prom while he and AP/wife stayed in town with his sister and partied all weekend. It really triggered me that I had to see that car in the driveway for 2 days DS and DD took the car back to XNPDH the day after prom (it was NPDs 54th Birthday)and they had lunch. WHile there, DD15 was introduced to AP/wife for the first time.
When DD was brought home, I knew something had happened because she was very quiet and sullen. It took awhile, but she finally told me that they had met, nothing was said just "hellos" and that AP/wife was thinner than her (DD has had some issues lately regarding eating and body appearance, for which I have been having her see a counselor about).
Yesterday, DD15 and I took a walk and she asked me to tell her more about XNPDH and I, his first wife, and what really happened. I was surprised that she wanted to talk about it because up intil now, she has not wanted to even hear about it
I tried to explain to her what I knew about his 1st wife and what I found out about her after we separated. 1st wife went through much of what I was put through (emotional abuse, belittling, etc.). Unfortunately, I believed XNPDH's explanation that they had "drifted apart" when we were dating. From what I hear from mutual friends, that is what he is telling people about us Funny how he fails to mention anything about his affair, but then again, having a 23 y/o whore on your aging arm speaks volumes
I asked DD15 if she was afraid of her father in which she replied YES! I asked her why and she proceeded to tell me about abuse (emotional, mental, and even some physical abuse) she endured growing up. I was shocked and horrified to hear what he had done to her when I was out of the house!!! I had no idea of what she went thru!!!
I reminded DD15 that she should not be afraid of him anymore. She is old enough that she can make her own decisions about if she does or does not want to see him. She has become very cynical about him and it just makes my heart break.
I have talked to DD15's counselor about the possibility of her eating disorder/ body appearance as a result of comments/ abuse from her father over the years. She agrees and wants to open up discussion in the near future. DD is starting to resist counseling now.
DS18 also does not want to talk about any abuse he suffered with XNPDH (DD has revealed some of what he went thru also) How could I have been so blind to what XXNPDH has done to my children???
Is XNPDH really happier now or is this just another "honeymoon" stage that will end with someone getting hurt (AP/wife, kids, etc)???
I want off this ride!!!
[This message edited by Faithsurviver at 4:40 PM, May 14th (Monday)]
My boys, too, are telling me things they endured while I was not home. It has been heartbreaking to hear what he's done to them, and even moreso to know that I knew nothing of what was happening. He threatened them so badly, and his abuse was bad enough that they believed he would follow through on those threats, that they never told me. Two are adults now, and the youngest is 15, like your daughter.
It is so devastating to find out that we knew so little of the truth. I understand what you're feeling, clear through my soul. All I can say is you are taking the right steps with counseling and letting her know that she does not have to see him.
I am doing the same things with my youngest, and it is good to know that his IC is telling him the same things. He is starting to understand that he is not required to give his dad whatever he wants: admiration, time, etc. It's hard, but it's good for them to deal with this crap head-on.
Keep doing what you're doing. I'm so sorry you're having these problems, and I can only imagine the feelings about that AP. My stbx is sporting an OLDER woman, who of course is FAR better than I am. After all, she understands him.
Hang in there, hon. When I was originally told it was going to be a bumpy ride, I had no idea... None. But that's precisely what it is.
just another "honeymoon" stage that will end with someone getting hurt (AP/wife, kids, etc)
I know that he was checking my computer and read some of my ebook about NPD and then today was checking my email and ther was an email from ashley madison website saying life is short have an affair.
All this while he plans a trip to niagara falls to what he says rekindle out love.
Am i crazy for even thinking he can be serious?
i am constantly checking his computer and phone and always doubting what he says no matter what it is.
He gave me the sweetest mothers day card and said that he is very thankful that I stuck with him through all the trials and tribulations.
I just don't understand any of it, he acts like he cares, wants to go to the falls to have a weekend with just me and is constantly asking me if I am alright. Why?
I am constantly doubting myself about my feelings and think that I am taking it to far but then he brings me back to reality by saying something stupid.
I guess I just needed to have a small pity party.
This is my first post on the NPD thread. I'm here because my therapist, who has never met STBXWH said that while she obviously cannot diagnose him, his actions suggest someone with NPD, or some other mental issue. I didn't know anything about it, so I got home and did some research.
I had an "aha" moment when nearly everything on the MayoClinic website about NPD was like it was written about STBXWH. I don't know if this is "what he has" and I may never know, but it sure describes his actions.
And then I started to feel guilty about turning my back on someone who may be considered mentally ill, since I have always considered mental illness to be "not someones fault." For example, I have family members with various issues, and while they have done some horrible things, I still love them, and they are family.
I guess my question is... does anyone else struggle with guilt about this?
And then I think... wait, but I didn't even turn my back on him, he is the one that didn't even want to give R a chance.
And then I think that my very nature to care for helpless animals/sick people/children/the elderly, which is probably what made me appealing in the first place, is working against me again, because here I am feeling soooo bad for this potentially mentally ill person.