Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWL, this is TOTAL NPD thinking! Mine left the house after we had lived there for 10 years with no incident (except for his asshole friend down the street who called the cops at 8 pm on a Friday night for our Halloween block party). Within a month, the city filed a complaint about things we had in our 6 ft. tall fenced in back yard which were not visible from the road. A couple of months later, we had another one. I didn't tell ex about the first one, because I was in panic mode, but that turned into highly suspicious mode, especially when I called him and he said, "Oh, that's probably Z next door. People think AssholeFriend is an asshole, but I hear that Z is a really big one." Funny how that never came up in all the years we spent in the neighborhood...

He spent years telling me that if I wanted something done around the house or yard that it was my problem because he made too much money to do any kind of work at home, only to change a flat tire for me last year, unsolicited (my father did it while we were married) and trim the hedges (also unsolicited). Never happened when we were married.

The biggest thing to let go of is hope. The fact that you will never be enough of anything for him or her isn't a measure of who you are; it just means you need a measuring stick that isn't so crooked.

[This message edited by veritas at 3:30 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chaos, unpredictability, confusion, switching back-and-forth between going and staying...this is all designed to keep you off balance.
Why?
Because it's easier to manipulate someone who is off balance.
It's that simple.

Your story is starting to resemble something out of Hitchcock or invasion of the pod-people or something...where soon, you're whole house is taken over, your life is in tatters, you're out on the street and you're not quite sure how it all happened...you know the script!

He's taking over control. Please don't let him. You have a right to your own safe space and boundaries.
Once again, for about the zillionth time! These pod-people use our own goodness against us.
All the time.
We are nothing but *useful* to them for the moment. "A" moment....as soon as that usefulness is "up"...seeya!

No thanks. No acknowledgement. Nothing but being wiped off from the bottom of the shoe.

Please stand your ground and don't allow the takeover abuse to continue. Please end it. Just say no, and don't engage further. Don't explain, don't listen to the twisting twisting coming outta his mouf, it's just more attempts to entangle you in the web of abuse.

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/index.htm


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,
Thank you, I just read the link. Pretty SCARY stuff to read but so true.

One of my problems is that I just can not wrap my head around this (I know it is not about me) and how wh does not want to see how he is. I don't understand how he could not want a wife that is loving, supportive, and beautiful. It just sucks that you go through all the years and putting up with so much and then boom they want out instead of getting the help they need and the help the marriage needs.
Better to run away then to stay I guess.
I know I am been abused for MANY Years and I knew I should have left long ago, but it was not alway like that or like it is now. Or maybe it was but it was not physical. I think I have been beaten down so bad I don't know what I really want. I want the man I love to be FUCKING NORMAL but I know that will never happen. I want the man I love to LOVE ME BACK and be kind to me. I want a real relationship with him and I know it is NEVER going to happen.
I know everyone says to keep the house but I know he is not going to leave and if he does do I REALLY have freedom?
Reading that site I understood everything they said in it. EVERYthing and I am at 3] Enlightenment: The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her partner's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one "deserves" to be beaten. She is still committed to her relationship, though, and stays with her partner, hoping they can work things out.,
Pretty sick huh???
What I can not answer is why I am still in this stage? What am I afraid of? Part of it is that he will be kinder and loving to someone else, that they will get what I have wanted all these years and I will be alone because I have trust issuse and/or it will take years for me to work through all this shit that has happen and I don't want baggage in another relationship.
Because i look at him and yearn for him to hold me and I look at him and this is the only man I love and have truly been in a long term relationship, because he is the father to my kids, because I am weak and feel guitly, because all I ever wanted was a family, the list can go on and on but I can see past it all and truly dipise him for everything he has done to me, why can I not hate him or be so angry that I don't want anything to do with him? Why am I still hold on to what is not there? Why am I jealouse that someone else will get what I have but better?
I am strong, independent woman, I fend for myself, do for myself, but with him I must be co dependent. It has to be or I would have been gone.
Thank you for the website, I am going to rr read some more tomorrow.
Love you all for your support.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo's tagline is for you FWL.
He will present the mask to the next victim, to ensnare them, but he will never change who he is.
His real self will emerge. He will not be *different*. He will not. He cannot be.
So don't trouble yourself with imaginings on that score at least.

After the chaos, after you've detached to minimal interaction, I'm pretty sure you will love the peace and quiet. You will love being alone because you have begun to heal from the abusive self-pounding.

I can't tell you how great it is, but you'll see. I promise.
Then, when you are loving yourself, re-discovering yourself, enjoying just being free and *being you*,
then you'll be ready to share your peace with someone else. You'll be wiser, more capable of giving and receiving love than you ever were before.

Loving yourself. Being free.
Now that's exciting!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWL

Once you have started to detach and still crave his attention, you will start to see the pattern. Not right away, but the behavior becomes predictable. He will ignore you because you dared to defy him, then crumbs when he feels lonely, not when you do. Then wait, if you hold him accountable and don't let him back, then the nasty emerges again and he will get nasty for you standing up for yourself. Put this on a repeat pattern, because it seems like we all do it. We stand strong, but desired to be chased even knowing that we are better off.

I have got to the point now I hate his voice, I hate the man that can tell me in one email that he loves me and then slams me in the next when I refuse his words because I know exactly who he is behind the mask.

You will learn to hate the games, hate the love/hate relationship we put up with, and will eventually not hate but understand they truely will always be the person that is damaged beyond our repair.

That is my take so far in my journey, and I am not too far ahead of you.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

again thank you guys for all the support.
Do you think it is truly possible for me to detach well still living in the same home as him?
My gut is screaming to me that something is not right again and maybe I was blind once again that he was not talking to his whore? I don't know that is just the feelings that I am getting again. I could be wrong because I am feeling overwhelmed with his mom, and us, and how I am being treated. I don't like being a doormat, I don't like being a roomate, I don't like not being truly love, I am floating through life with no stablity and I know I have to make that happen.
These NPD people are not going to open up and talk to you really and you all warned me about that so I will never hold my breath on that.
I just feel so out of place in my own home, I guess that is walking on eggshells once again.
I see it all but am having a VERY hard time trying not to care and not engage, not let him give me crumbs, what did you all do with this while still living together? How did you handle it? Because with mine you know he gets nasty with me? Did you ever do things because it kept peace? I am not sure how to act but I feel like I am acting like a bitch to him, just real quiet, don't say to much about anything, and that sucks in my own home with my own husband or the shell I should say.
I will not ask if he is envolved again or not because he will just lie, their is no point! How did you all get out? Did you leave or did they? I am really ready to be on that peace journey and admit my marriage is over, my husband basically left me and does not love me nor care about me. I can not live like that because this is how it will be if I do. I will be in limbo floating never truly happy because he will not give me what I need. I see that.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you been to an attorney? Do you know your options?

Can you stay in the house financially? Will he support you? Can you support yourself?

For me, we had to be S and still it was a tug-of-war, with him never budging, even today. He throws me crumbs, never telling me anything that would want me to go back. He gives as little as he can, emotionally, money, stuff I need for the house. He will not change.

If you can survive in another house, do it. It is going to hurt, it is going to be difficult, but oh the peace is wonderful between the headgames. And there will be headgames.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What am I afraid of? Part of it is that he will be kinder and loving to someone else, that they will get what I have wanted all these years and I will be alone because I have trust issuse and/or it will take years for me to work through all this shit that has happen and I don't want baggage in another relationship.

OMG. No!

What he showed you in the beginning? That great guy you keep waiting for to reemerge? The one you fell in love with? He's NOT there.

This rotten, abusive monster who seems to have taken his place is THE REAL GUY.

But yet you feel sorry for him because he had beat you down and manipulated and gas lighted you so horribly.

He is not going to get the help he needs. He can't be helped. He may be "wonderful" with someone else, but only as long as it takes to "hook" them. Then, surprise! Here's Johnny!!!

It is what it is. Not what you hope it can be.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, I have a lawyer who is doing my lawsuite and he knows all about this. He says I need to do what I need to do but the court could look at it as adandoment of the home. But, it is looking like my only option right now.
I sat outside last night thinking why have I lasted this long with him? He has no regard for me, a person who can have an affair the way he did in my face and have no remorse and then tell me he is not in love with me, and he is leaving or I need to move out and sits and texts all day but does not pay attention to his lovely wife is off in emotions. If I ever did any of this to him I would most likely be dead or reaping the punshiment for years and years. Sick Sick Sick.
My back bone is stronger but DAMN HIM for being horrible to me and thinking he can be this way to another human being the mother to his kids.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!
So after reading what jjct sent me, I know what I need to do. Scary as hell, but looking at the peace I can have well that is beautiful.
He has his mom and maybe his whore as a booty call, but as for me he no longer has my heart and he ruined that. My heart has been shattered like no other and it is time to think with my MIND and not my heart as my heart keeps wanting what was and that is never going to happen.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told abandonment was hard to prove. Can you get a statement from your IC showing the emotional distress you are under by staying or him staying. Can't the attorney file to get him out? How much longer until your D is final?

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we have not filed yet. Been told that is what he wants repeatedly and my attn told me to let him file first due to money and I am broke with the lawsuite I am in. I think it would benefit me more to move, even tho I will be heart broken to move out of the house I love I know it is no longer a home. It is tainted by the affair and all the memories of me sitting there alone crying because I knew he was with Whoreface. And the good memories that will never be again make me very sad. The more I think about it I think screw it, I have been fucked over repeatedly once one more thing..


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"This old heart of mine", by Rod Stewart should be the anthem of the codependant/NPD's relationship. It wont be mine anymore.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wont, I am so proud of you. How long did you take it before you made the choice to walk?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWL,
How long have you been married? Do you work too? Who makes more $? How old are your children? Does he have a pension or a 401K? Where is your family? Are they nearby? Are they financially able to help you until you get back on your feet?

If he makes more money than you, you may be entitled to spousal support. If you get primary custody of the children, you will also get child support. This could help you make ends meet to stay in the house.

If I were you, I would talk to a different attorney. Ask around to find out who the "shark" is for divorce attorneys. That is the one you want. This one you're talking to, "let's let him file...." doesn't sound like he has much "fight" in him. And you're going to need someone who can and will fight for you and your rights. This won't be a "go through the motions" type divorce.

If you want to keep the house you need to find an attorney who can help you fight to keep it. Plus fight to get the money to support you and your kids for the next few years. You can have him removed from the house. Since he has a history of physical violence, you can request a protection order. That's how I got mine out.

If your family can help, maybe they would loan you the money to hire an attorney. Then after your divorce is over, you can refinance your house and pay them back, this is how I did it.

This way he won't see the missing money. You will have a better attorney. You will have family support. And you can get him out of your life.

Have you talked to your family? Do they know what you're dealing with? I know it's hard....and embarassing. But you will feel so much better once you tell them.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think it is truly possible for me to detach well still living in the same home as him?

Yes. But it's hard.

This goes along with your question about what are you afraid of.

You'll find that the man you thought you married is not the man you married. The man you thought you married is well and truly dead because he was never real. He was a facade that your real H put on in order to draw you (and others) in. But the truth of it is that the image he showed you was just an image.
A fakery. What you are seeing now is the truth and you will see it more if you don't respond to the image.

You'll start to see the cracks (and wonder if you imagined them) and slowly, slowly realize that the cracks are actually showing you the reality and that this was occasionally seen by others but that because they didn't have all the pieces, they didn't have the whole picture. Just as you don't have the whole picture.

After I left (and I "abandoned" the house - if you want to keep it, try to kick him out instead but for me it became a safety issue for me AND the kids and I put the kids before the house. But even if I had tried to keep the house, I couldn't afford it at that time and I'm still not sure if I could.) I started to piece things together with friends and family and found out that he'd been giving each of us another story but because we all thought it was the truth, we never compared stories. Once we started comparing we started to see that the majority of what we had been shown/told was false. It was very eye opening!

It made me realize that most of my marriage was a lie or based on a lie.

You will grieve. It's akin to a death because the man you thought you married is basically... dead. And he's been replaced by reality - a reality that will drain the life from you if you let it.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, March 21st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started to piece things together with friends and family and found out that he'd been giving each of us another story but because we all thought it was the truth, we never compared stories. Once we started comparing we started to see that the majority of what we had been shown/told was false. It was very eye opening!

This is a really good point. NPD's are sneaky and they demand "loyalty" or their weird twisted version of loyalty. They DO NOT want you to talk about them or compare stories with other people. That would be a "betrayal" and you would then be subject to NPD rage.

This is why I suggested to FWL to speak with her family. NPD's thrive on image and secrecy. Talk to others. Compare stories. Break the cycle. There is strength in numbers.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 22nd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been together sense I was 20 and he was 18, married nearly 5 yrs. My family lives in another state, my mom lives here but she is also NPD in my book and I don't trust her with alot anymore.
I see it all for what it is, each day I am seeing more and more and light bulbs are going off. I listen to what you all say and read what you post and it has HELPED me so much to see him as what he is.
Breaks my heart that it was fake all these years, and I feel for it. I also feel he is punshing me for marrying me, he said he never wanted to be married but he was afraid I would leave him, he said I told him that which I could have, I don't remember staying that but I remember saying, I am good enough to be a live in wife but not a real wife, shit or get off the pot is what I think I said. This is his way of punshing me, the affair and how he hurt me with it, that is not love, that is curlety.
Sorry I am starting to tear up because I feel so duped.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a flue and are in bed vomiting away.... Coincidence that my divorce was final yesterday ?

I got a question : I keep the NC rule towards him quite well, but I still feel emotionally responsible (after having organised everything for 17 years). I know I shouldnt and I am not legally responsible anymore but still.

My NPDXWH doesn't know I do and I don't engage, but inside the old pattern still works.

How did you manage to get rid of your NPD influence INSIDE?

A lot of what FWL posts sounds familiar to me as far as feelings are concerned.

Sadtoo you wise soul, how did you do it? And how could you have the courage to trust again?


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh is going to file divorce, after a heated talk lastnight about DD, wh seem to think it is funny that daughter could not eat while she was feeding the baby. Wh said " and it is only going to get worse for her, and she is going to depend on you for everything" "if she is so grown to have a baby then she needs to start having plans on moving out" I asked "why do you do this? why do you get on me all the time about the kids? I don't think that it is funny and I don't think she has done anything to deserve that? He said" You and YOUR DD need to get an apartment or something" I said "our dd and ds will come with me then. Then he said"you know what how much is it to file for divorce because I need to just stop putting it off, I DON'T want to be with you, you are unstable, remember your the one who took the pills in Nov and I don't want to be with a woman who does that type of thing, you are a mess and don't blame me for it"! I said" I take full responsibility for what I did, I let the emotions and pain of you flaunting the affair in my face and I did something horrible that I truly regret! Then he started texting, I said I truly hope you are not trashing me to your wanta be friends or tramp because they don't know shit about the REAL you!. Then I said " you know what I will not engage in this, it is not worth it, you can think of me as you wish, You are the perfect man and I am the horrible person in your eyes.
So I went outside and came back in and he said " faithful we need to talk about this and figure out what we need to do for a divorce! I said " Umm no we don't, You need to figure it out, I already know because I have been to my lawyer, I won't do this for you.
Oh but he still wants sex and shit from me, I said I don't think so buddy, I fuck men that I am not with and men that I don't love me, sorry. he said i will have to go elsewhere then, I said What else is new!

So here we are, I am ready to get the fuck out and put the pieces of my life back together. He has hit my last button with DD and DS the last few days.

I know what I did with the pills was horrible wrong but I also know I gave him an excuse to hold over me till the day I die. I don't want that.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 23rd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Free,
I am sorry you have the flu, that sucks.
Sadtoo is very wise isn't she. I love when she response.
I wish I could help but I am just now figuring out all this also.
I am sorry if you are still hurting from the NPD stuff inside of you. I feel it is going to take alot for me iron out all the abuse that has been inflicted on me. And that will take awhile, but the light bulbs are going on everywhere now and it is like OMG I can't beleive I took that!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.