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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is quiet around here, hope that is a good sign for everyone.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, March 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope so, too, Wont. And I like your new tagline.

I overdid it and my shoulder is killing me, so not much typing happening here. Hope you have a great weekend, though!


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not so good here. My NPDX is hitting me where it hurts most - my kids. He's making a bid to paint me as a bad parent in what I believe is a step toward filing for a custody change.

He hasn't hurt the kids but he's definitely using them as pawns. And he's creating a very stressful situation for me.

I feel like he's also sending a message that if I don't comply with his every want, he's going to fight back this way and this is a way that I can't afford to lose. Or fight. But it's one I have no choice but to fight. I feel like I'm going backward in my healing. I know that the second time healing ends up with a better healing but I really hate having to go through this process. Again.

Sorry to be so cryptic. But since this is online and not private, I'm cautious about saying more.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Happy  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they can't make us do what they want through their wonderful routine, they keep on until they find the one thing that is sensitive to us. Mine is down to the house now. I have an attorney, I have my kids, I will have a roof over my head, so he can kick and scream like a 4 yr old all he wants, he is an NPD and I am a NPD survivor.

What these idiots don't realise is if you come after our kids momma bear will wake up.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy,
It looks like your divorce is relatively recent. This custody ploy by your psychoNPDX is going to come across to the courts and more importantly your judge (likely you'll get the same one) that he is spiteful and an abusive stalker.

I know it's hard, but try not to panic. Hopefully you have documented all of his stalking and other abusive behaviors. If not, go back through your email, phone messages, etc to jog your memory and create a log. Put down as much information and detail as possible.

And remember this. It is EXTREMELY difficult to convince a judge that his prior decision was "wrong" and he needs to now do a 180, without significant new evidence. (like you are abusing the kids) and this evidence has to be DOCUMENTED and backed up with facts and witnesses. Not just because "he" said so.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a few years but he's still fighting. *weary sigh*

It's the NPD in him being so strong that he must win at all costs. And not just win... he must destroy his opponent for daring to stand up to him.

And yes, that's what he claimed. Over typical kid play "wounds" and itty bitty ones at that (barely visible, super tiny and obviously caused by something else). One didn't even show up in the pictures that were taken as part of the investigation. It was that barely visible. It's frustrating to have to pull out my documentation *again* and face this *again*. And it's discouraging that he found a way to use the kids without hurting them while still forcing me to be engaged and forcing me to respond all while hurting me to the core.

Thank you for the reminder Sadtoo. Even though I know that in my head, it's easy to forget it with the emotions of what is going on. This is hardly a major change in circumstances that would warrant a change in what is currently ordered.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 18th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the reminder Sadtoo. Even though I know that in my head, it's easy to forget it with the emotions of what is going on. This is hardly a major change in circumstances that would warrant a change in what is currently ordered.

It is VERY DIFFICULT to remember and to keep the emotion out of it. They are such monsters!! And you're right. They just don't seem to quit. They will spend $1000 to "win" a $5 item. And they literally fight to destroy.

Don't think this doesn't go unnoticed by the courts.

I'm glad to hear that you still have your "documentation" available. I became so obsessed with my documentation process that I ended up with so much stuff, it has required a rental storage unit to store the many Rubbermaid containers I have holding it all. It's been over 10 years and I still haven't thrown it away. Just in case.

If at all possible, I would have your attorney deal with him while you remain NC. I know this is expensive and I have been criticized for giving this type of advice "Just throw money at it!" (not my words) HOWEVER, in order to maintain your sanity and refrain from his "bait" it is always best to let the professionals deal with these lunatics. He's not going to get an emotional reaction from an attorney or a judge and you will be sending him the message, "I'm so over you and I'm going to deal with you as I would any other common criminal, by letting my attorney deal with it." Plus, the less he actually "hears" from you, the more likely he is to go away.

So the money you spend on attorneys is actually money well spent. You can't put a price on peace of mind.

I'm sorry he's doing this again. But hopefully this is his last desperate ploy.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going with sadtoo's advice currently. Let A handle contact.
I have better peace of mind, which is priceless, and at times...mmm...most times, I don't consider the cost.
To be free of her.
NC works best for me.

Sometimes...mmm...most times,
I don't care what it costs.

I'm a pauper on paper,
to this world, but
not to my soul.
Free, even if it's just raggedy ass, well
Free is my goal.


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

J,
You have such a way with words.

It's true though.....Peace of mind is priceless. I love that.

I spend so much money getting rid of that jerk of mine...most I had to borrow. Nobody "gave" me the money to do it. (as my critics have stated) And I have spent the better part of the last ten years paying every last penny back.

And if I had to do it all over again, I would still spend the money....and it would still be money well spent.

The things I would do different would be NOT to hang around for as long as I did hoping and wishing that things would get "better." I also wish I wouldn't have allowed him to intimidate me like I did.

You can only change yourself. You can't change them. And once you begin to react and treat your NPD as you would any other dangerous criminal, your circumstances will dramatically begin to improve.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thread is entitled ‘NPD thread’ - my NPD SO is a very significant other, but not my spouse, unlike all others here.

Edie, I haven't been on the NPD thread in several days (couple of weeks???) but your statement struck me. If you live with a NPD intimate partner, you are certainly one of the tribe. I didn't marry the NPD in my life (thank God!), but he lived with me and used me for 5 years. We can totally relate, and we are survivors. I was lucky enough to get out, even though it cost me several years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars before I finally saw through him for who he really was.

Hence my tagline.

I hope that all of you here that are still living with NPD can get through it to the other side. The view is glorious, but it's one hell of a hike to get there.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

irrelevancy, I'll echo the advise to let the attorney handle it. NPD's are attention whores, and it doesn't matter to them if it's good, or bad attention. Any attention at all is better than being ignored.

Plus, the others are right, your peace of mind is priceless. Keep your documentation in crystal clear order, and then sic your lawyer on him. Don't engage him in any way that isn't absolutely necessary.

I was lucky, the NPDXWSO has the attention span of a gnat and after a few months of hell after I kicked him out, he focused on newer (and younger) victims. However, H#2 (previous to the XWSO) was - I truly believe - a complete sociopath and he stalked me for over 5 years. I still wonder if he's still just waiting for a chance to pounce again, and we've been divorced for 10 years now. I won't really rest easy in regards to that one until I hear that he's not breathing any longer.

I think a lot of these disorders kind of happen on a sliding continuum scale. Where, exactly, a person that is just selfish and a jerk actually tips over into disordered is anyone's guess. I think it should be the call of the person who is having to live on planet crazy with them, at least when it comes time to decide when enough is enough, and there is no hope for improvement.

My problem was that I am a very stubborn person. I didn't want to admit that there wasn't any hope. I thought that my strength and love would be enough to overcome crazy. I was very, very wrong. My stubborness ended up costing me dearly, both financially, and in years.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I talked to the joint C and that helped calm me down a LOT. He's the one who brought up NPD and though NPDX probably still thinks that he is going to put me in my place, he's seen through NPDX and had done so before even meeting with me (which is important to me because NPDX claims that I've turned other C's against NPDX and have caused the C's to give incorrect diagnoses in the past).

I'm dealing with too many "he" type people to type easily!

I'm feeling calmer though still stressed some. Basically, everyone agrees that this was a gross overreaction and that this is most likely to backfire because it is so obviously an overreaction and a false allegation.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping that this will shut him down for good, or at least so he can't do this to you again.

Hope you have a peaceful day.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning to you all,
Well wh came back with his mom, she is pretty sick and wont really eat anything but wants everything so wh will go buy it and she will eat a bit and then not want it. He cleans up after her, she has stuff everywhere, he makes her food and makes sure she is taking all her meds because she wont if no one is there to watch her.
I find myself wondering if I belong in this life, I commdate my life, she is sleepin in sons room and then also has stuff in the spare room where my clothes and stuff are, I stopped my laundry so he could do her's, I came home yesterday to them eating dinner, I thought okay, I am not jealous but I am feeling like I don't belong or ran out of my home. Does that make sense? If she wants to watch TV it is in my space and so I go else where if I want to watch something else, But, at least he is taking care of his mom,
then he told me that maybe I should move out because she will need a place to stay if she stays, So I said okay, I just am tried of feeling pused aside and knowing he would never be acommadating to my family like this.
Also, let me know again he loves me as a person but not in love with me, and that he will find someone else one day and be a way better person and man to them because he is older and wiser now.
I said okay. I did not engage in it. Even though it hurt like hell to hear that when I have been a great wife to him. But, he wants us to still do things together and get along. He is civil to me and still does things with me but the vibe is like I weigh him down. I don't understand how wh says that I hurt him, I did this and that when I didn't but is that what he really believes? I mean listening to what he says and I think wait a min I never did that you did that to me and how can one make that up?
He also has been acting like a ass when it comes to son. meaning he is always switching up things, one day he can stay out til a certin time the next gets on me because I allowed it, or one day he can eat when he comes in from playing and the next he wants me to call him home for dinner way ealier, I called him on this yesterday because I think it is cause his mom is here, even son is like WTheck?
I never do right with the kids, I will tell you that, he feels I am to soft, but I feel that he gets upset about some of the strangest things. Idk. Right now today, I feel like I have to give up my space, accomadate, and watch wh be this wonderful son which he should but he doesn't do that for me and the kids, but then again we are not sick I guess, but also babying her isn't helping her either. I think she loves the attention he is her baby and pretty much the only man in her life, the other kids aren't as close to her I don't think and this has always been.
Just help me get through this rough time. Thanks for listening.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang on 1 minute, he moves his jacked up mother in and he wants you and the kids out. That is not love. What he is telling you in his actions is I don't love you, I love my mommy and I am trying to do everything to make her love me.

Tell him and his mother to find their own place to live. Don't be a doormat any longer. Put her crap in her area, don't be accommodating to people who don't give you the same respect.

I am angry for you.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She hasn't moved in yet but that has always been the deal when she is ready. I was all for it because I know how much he loves his mom. She is really sick with not much time I don't think. So I could never say "no" to that. It is just that I wish he would see that I shift my life around and don't want to be selfish about any of it. I know he wants the house anyways. He always states that it is his, but its in both of our names and now with his mom he feels that I should be the one to leave. I am starting to think it may be best. I would struggle really bad financially with it but so will he but I will not have it hanging over my head and also he is putting restrictions down on me if or when he moves regarding other men and that he will be over all the time doing things on the house.
He is confusing me so bad. If he does not or is not in love with me why does it matter if I date because he does not want me for a wife or anything else right?
This way if I move out I have total freedom and not having to worry about wh coming up into the house unexpectedly.
I am not sure what the hell he is thinking? Is this normal for NPD?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, Faithful! He is manipulating you, stop, don't let him! Tell him to leave with mommy since he's the unhappy one

Sheesh, what a NPD asshole!


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, tribe, my XNPDH is at it again! I have been so good about not engaging wih him but last night, I had to break NC

XNPDH is giving his car to DS, mind you, NPD will still "own" it, but DS can drive as if its his and will pay the insurance and maintenance on it. I am extremely upset and PISSED about this because when we were married, we BOTH agreed that we would not give our kids a car. They would have to buy it on their own. Now, XNPDH has gone back on another parenting agreement

When I confronted him about it in a text, he told me to get my story straight, he was only "letting" DS use the car (excuse me, so what's the F'ing difference??)

I reminded NPD that we had agreed not to give the kids cars, that I guess I wasn't surprised by him breaking his agreement because he was NPD and that's their MO, etc, etc, etc...

His response: You need to get some help with your anger issues.

On top of this, DS has become more distant and secretive and I'm fed up with it. This happens about every 3 or 4 months and I have to remind him that he lives in my house and under my house rules like helping with chores, laundry, etc..
I have had to lay down the law and tell him that if he cannot abide by my rules, he may move in with his father who lives in another state and finish out the school year. He chooses to stay, things get better for a while, and then it starts up again.

I am getting so tired of this BS, XNPDH's lies and blameshifting!!!


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not words of wisdom cause i am in the same boat with being fed up.
BIG HUGS to you...


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, March 20th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWL,
There is a difference between not engaging and allowing yourself to be a doormat. Don't let him bully you!! He IS manipulating you.

She is really sick with not much time I don't think

Right. And her "sickness" could go on FOREVER! Tell him if his mother is in such poor health, she needs to go to a care facility. Or he needs to find an apartment that has partial care available and then HE can go with her. Because YOUR HOME is not equipped for that type of thing. Your home is set up for raising a family.

ARG!! What an ASS!!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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